Clothes

11:59:00 PM

I thought about what to write for a long time and one of my friends suggested some topics. She said I could write about fashion fears or wants. And I thought that was a pretty good suggestion. I also had another idea - brain or cerebral atrophy - but this topic needs to have some reading and exploring done. Anyway, if you would be interested, I could write another post about it.

But about clothes... oeh. One aspect why the recovery is hard, is definitely because your body is changing. And my body needs to change a lot. And letting go of your size is very difficult. I have several pieces of clothing that I really love and that fit me RIGHT NOW. So I kind of cling on to them, and think that I want to wear them more and for that I cannot gain weight. But this is so stupid. Clothes are temporary, they don't give any value to your life. I should think that oh yeah, I can go shopping instead. :D Actually I have gotten some things that are too big at the moment, I need to "grow into them". Because they are pretty and I would like to wear them already.

Also, I don't feel like I am too thin, but I do notice it on the photos or when I am looking into the mirror. For example when I wear a T-shirt, I can see how abnormally thin my arms are. But at the same time I am kind of scared of them turning chubby. :D This is so silly, I never look at other people's arms and think that, oh, they are too big. They are normal. And I want to be normal as well.

I want to wear sleeveless things, but the connection between my arm and shoulder is so ugly. I have also thought about wearing tight dresses, which I have never done, because I was concerned about my stomach and so on, but nowdays trying them on makes me go like "okay, I am way too skinny for it". I have always thought that this or that sticks out, but now... bones stick out. And it is not pretty.
There is a weird story with one of my pair of jeans. When I got them, they fit me really well. They were skinny jeans and looked pretty on me. Now they are loose and there is a lot of room left. But at the same time when I gained some weight at the hospital and wore them, they were tight again and it was... very difficult to deal with. I was so USED to them being too big. And in my head it translated to I am too big now. Even though in reality they looked much better on me.

The fact that I haven't bought many clothes for my current self is good - I have saved quite a bit of money. :D And a lot of the stuff that fit me currently, I have donated. Even when I was thinking that but they fit me well... it is not worth it. I want to pick clothes that fit me, not make myself to fit the clothes. I don't want to get something too tight and think that I need to lose weight to fit into it. I need to do the opposite - grow into them.

In Japan we did quite a bit of shopping, but these things would also fit a bit bigger me, so I wouldn't feel bad... but yeah. At the moment I am weathing loose fitting stuff that hide my body a lot. At some points I have tried some other clothes, for example a short sleeved shirt at work, but my arms are too boney. And this bothers me a lot.



Regarding clothes, I am really bothered by all kinds of diet articles, where they suggest you get a size smaller dress or something and this should motivate you to lose weight. I think that this shouldn't be used as a motivation. Like... ugh. These things make me really upset. I want to shake people (inclusing myself) and tell them not to read shit like this. There is nothing else in the magazines than losing weight. This is like the highest goal or something!

There was an article about my story in one magazine and I am really glad I decided to talk to them about myself. There is too little discussion about eating disorders in Estonian media.

How did I end up here when talking about clothes, I don't even know... :D

I also thought that I will take more pictures of myself. Just to have this reality check, to see from the far how I really look. To make myself realise I would be much better if I wasn't just skin and bones.

Anyway, yeah. This week's goal/challenge is difficult, but I have stuck to it. On Friday there will be a longer post about it. Today's already fourth day as I started on Friday and I already know it is going to be tough. All days are tough. But as long as I manage, everything is okay.

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