I Won't Quote

I thought about not posting today, because my vacation started and I don't have anything written down. But then I decided I will still write a bit and make a short post, because it is kind of weird to not post on my assigned day without a warning. So this is published later than usually, but still, better late than never.

About my last post, I did a poll on instagram and it appears that sleeping naked is more popular than I thought. :D It was quite a surprise. Several people also wrote to me and asked like what the heck, did you sleep with clothes on until now, haha. :D I don't really understand it either, because it is much better to sleep without clothes. Especially if you have shaved and put on fresh bedsheets. :D Anyway yes, I think that I will continue like this, though I am not getting naked when I visit someone.

I have several thoughts in my head...

Lately I have thought that maybe I still avoid some fooda. But at the same time things that I eat, I really enjoy. So then I am just torn all the time, do I really avoid foods or is it okay to constantly have same stugg? I don't know, I am not good enough at analyzing this stuff.

My menu is quite varied, I mean, I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, I add some healthy protein and also carbs, of course. But yeah, the things I cook are always very similar. Like lately for the past few months I have had porridge for breakfast all the time and already when I go to sleep, I think that I can't wait for the morning to come, because I want my oatmeal. This is really my favourite food and the day isn't right if I don't start it with it. Yes, I can eat other stuff as well, but I always CRAVE for oats.

I also keep thinking that I should have something different for lunch, but there are certain things I just always like to have, it is difficult to come up with something else. Besides the stores near my home don't really stand out with their ready meal selections, so it is just easier to always pick similar items.

Also lately I have made a little change - I have made my lunches much bigger. This has always been the time I eat the least, but now when I have a vacation and I am at home, I always make proper filling lunches. And this causes a lot of anxiety. I just keep thinkin that now I shouldn't have too much food in the evenings, as my lunch was bigger. But in the evenings I am still super hungry and eat a lot, which means I consume a lot more calories than I used to. No wonder my weight keeps going up.

What are my regular meals then in the menu? For example Caesar salad with salmon, sweet potato with beans, cottage cheese salad with omelette, boiled potatoes with herring and cottage cheese, all kinds of rice bowls etc. And like, I don't know, I feel a bit sad that I don't try out new things more, but at the same time I really do like what I eat. And I still feel like not having the same kind of things several days in a row.

Lately I have also had dnner way later than seven. Usually at this time I am still at the gym and then I eat around 8-9. And I ALWAYS have snacks or dessert as well. Can't go without them. I could be really full after dinner, but I still need to snack on something, or my day is not finished properly. It is so nice to chew on something while watching YouTube videos or TV.

Now that my vacation has sterted, my own rhytm is totally different. I can make proper food for lunch. My dinners are different, for example today my best friend is coming over and I promised to make some Chinese food and naan bread for her. Then tomorrow I am going to Viljandi and will eat with the family. Again, I am so used to my own things and it is kind of difficult to act out of the ordinary. But it is not the end of the world, I want to get into this normality, where I wouldn't stress about things like this.

I have also thought about gettinf a meal plan, maybe it would give me more inspiration on what to do. But at the same time I know that considering my obsessiveness, if there would be something out of the plan, it would cause a lot of stress. So I don't know, I don't think it is the best idea. :D

Lately I have also been going to the gym a lot. My muscles are a bit sore today, but not too bad. I divided my days a little, so on one day I work on my upper body, on another day I work on the lower body etc. And on some days I run or do more cardio. I don't know, I really quite like this. I am still waiting for the motivation to go and run outside, haven't really felt like it so far. At the gym it is no problem to run on the treadmil though, I did quite a long distance yesterday.

Anyway yes, my vacation's first week is fully booked, on the second week I only have one plan as of right now. But again, there are quite a lot to do in August in general. I like planning a lot, but when something actually comes up, I start to think that I can't be bothered and don't want to do it. I need to force myself, I know I have to.

Motu just came to sleep on my lap and it is very difficult to write like this, haha. :D But he is so sweet, I don't have the heart to make him go away. Animals are amazing. Like, when I am feeling really shitty and my mood is in the gutter, I think that I need to deal with things, because who is going to feed him, if I don't. :D And I always think that okay, I have spent quite a lot of money, I should save some... and then I go to the store and get him the most expensive wet food, because I like to spoil him. :D

Also with eating, there is this problem that I sometimes have my daily meals set out. Like what is for lunch and what's for dinner. And then on one day I had this huge crisis, because I didn't go to the gym, but I had planned to have a bigger dinner. But my health was kind of weird and I didn't go, which caused me to feel that I need to make something else for dinner. I know it makes no sense, but that is what happens in my head. It kind of threw me off.

I talked to my friend about it and she made me have the food I had planned and it was good to beat this silly voice in my head.

But yeah, saving all the calories for the evening really makes me upset. A lot of influencers and gym people also keep talking that they save everything for the evening and it is stuck in my head.

Also, I read this book called "My shitty therapist" and there were quite a lot of other people's stories. And I thought it would me nice to share your's. So if you would like me to post about your story, please write to me via signe.kerge@gmail.com, write a comment or contact me aon Instagram. I can share it all anonymously, no problem. And your story can be about everything, you can tell me how you got a dog or something. :D Just... I have so many nice readers here and I would like to share things about you as well.

The book itself was quite okay, written with some good humor. Though it was very UK based, so it wasn't really that relatable for me. But it was a good read nevertheless. It was a nice fast read, you can just go through few pages every day or something.

Also I wanted to ask if you have ever tried a meal plan? What kind of foods do you make often? Do you feel like you are... missing out, because you have too many same things? These are the emotions I get a lot recently.

But yes. Today it is that kind of short post. I hope to write something on Friday as well, but if I don't then you should know that I am fine and I am just trying to rest. :)

For a long time, I have been wanting to start a post by saying I have some news! And finally I can do this. I got into the university. Master's of law. I really didn't expect this, because I thought I failed the test and the interview was also super short, it was difficult to imagine a good outcome. But ha, I go in! The results weren't supposed to come out for a few days, but I checked and they were there. It was such a nice surprise. :D So starting from the fall, I will be a student again and I can use student discounts and all this, so much fun. Also it is the time where I really need to buy a new computer, but this will be super difficult, I know nothing about technology. (I have a computer by now, this post is just very late, sorry guys~!)

On Tuesday I got my second dose of vaccine and after this I went to the Pikakari beach with a friend, we swam a little and then went to eat in a Mexican place called Ancho . It was nice and all, but I got too full. And I took enchiladas with beans, at first they brought me a version with meat. It was not very nice. And I only discovered it after I took a few bites already. Of course they apologized a lot and they gave me a drink for free, but still... it was quite awful. :D I don't think I ate meat, though, because I tried other things on the plate first and my friend asked what was inside the enchiladas and then we discovered it. Food in general was kind of average, nothing too special. We also got jalapenos with cheese, but they were probably from a can and had this marinated tasted. Anyway - I wouldn't go again, but it was still nice to try it. Also, if I hadn't tested it, I wouldn't know if I would like that. I didn't let these wasting calories thoughts to come.

At the beach we also had ice cream, it was so nice. We just sat on a towel and enjoyed some breeze and the sun, ate this and talked. Anyway, it was a really pleasant Tuesday. :D

On Wednesday morning when I woke up, I felt like I had been run over by a train. Probably by the vaccine. Or like I had a really bad hangover. Firstly, I was so tired that my alarm had been going for 20 minutes before I opened my eyes. I had a dream my coworker called me and I didn't want to answer, so I didn't understand this was actually my alarm. :D Even though my alarm and ringtone aren't even the same.

And my whole body hurt in general. I felt really weak. I actually wanted to go to them gym as well, but I just knew I had to give myself some rest and this is what I did, even though I did feel a bit guilty. Free evening and I am doing nothing? I haven't been to the gym in a while? All this regular self-talk. As my weight has yet again gone up by 2 kgs, it is especially difficult to deal with it. This also didn't help me when someone I knew started randomly telling me a story about their weight loss. I have also told them several times that this irritates me and I don't want to talk about these topics etc. I know this my my own error and I should be over it already, but it still makes me feel awful and I feel like you don't care abou me if you don't respect this? I have not commented on it much, but I just... don't want to deal with these kind of people. :)

But for the challenge, I wanted to eat packaged foods only. I know food that you have cooked is much better for you, but I thought I would try this, because it can't be that bad.

I set out the menu a while ago already, because I have been planning this for a long time already. But there has been so many events and stuff where I have eaten out. It would be weird to take a prepackaged salad out in a restaurant or at someone's place, instead of having what a friend has made or ordering something from a menu.

But anyway, I finally tackled this challenge.

Breakfast

I know, I know, it is nothing special. At first I wanted to take rice porridge, but I ended up with semolina one and I just was so pleased. I make semolina porridge very rarely, so this was a good change. :D

I served it with 150 grams of frozen blueberries and some Biscoff, because this combo is heavenly. I was a bit doubtful of the Biscoff at first, but it was super good together. :D It was sweet enough and just nice. I heated it up in the microwave, because no one eats cold porridghe (though I probably would, I just love porridge, to be honest). :D Anyway, it was beautiful and a little bit different start to the morning. Even when I was in bed, I thought that oh man, I am too lazy to make my oatmeal, but then I remembered today was the challenge day and it was fine.

I of course also had a coffee, but I didn't buy a premade one. :D Actually I wasn't even hungry in the morning, because I had some potato salad last night where I added literally half a kilo of potatoes, and then I also downed some watermelon. I felt like I was going to explode, but it was all so tasty I couldn't hold myself back. In the evenings I have a bottomless pit instead of a stomach, I don't understand. In the morning and during lunch I am fine with less food, but in the evenings I could just eat and eat. It really annoys me that I don't even know what a normal portion of food is, and also the fact that I am never full. I have thought about making more calorie tense less volume foods, but I just want to eat for a long period of time.

Anyway yes, I already have an idea for my lunch, I hope it is available in the store. Yesterday I saw it, but I didn't buy it in advance. If there aren't any left, I just need to figure out something else, so I am hoping for the best. :D

And also I wanted to get several desserts as the evening snacks and enjoy them throughout the day, but I think I will be having all of them in the evening. Because of me and my appetite. I still need to get a few things from the store, I hope they haven't run out of the items. I didn't want to go to the store yesterday as I felt really weird from the vaccine. But today after work and before gym I can go and get some stuff.

Lunch

For lunch I had this prepackaged tofu-glass noodle dish, which was pretty good. It could have done with more sauce and salt, but it was fine. Also it was completely vegan! In addition to this, it was maybe a little small, but worked out fine. This is really different from my regular routine, so it caused some stress, but oh well, I managed and I am still alive.

The price was quite high, almost three euros. So I wouldn't get it again, but it was worth to try. I think I should make something similar to take to work with me, I would save some money and also I have nothing against eating same food for lunches. Still at bit weird with dinners.

Today after work I would like to go to the gym as well, I let myself rest yesterday. But we shall see how this goes. I don't want to make it into an obligation, if I don't feel like it or if I don't have the time, that is fine. :D But I can't go tomorrow, because we are going to Maritime Days with my sister and her friend. I think it will be fun though, last time it was. I probably will only go on Friday, though it lasts throughout the weekend. :D

Dinner

For dinner, I don't know, why, but I felt like shrimps. And then I took some prepackaged bowl with them. Again, the price was really high and not worth it, but at least it did taste good. I added some salt and the dressing it came with, and it went down a treat. But I ate really fast, because I was super hungry by that time, so I can't really talk about enjoying it much. Also it had too much corn, which was super sweet. I generally like corn, but not that amount. But all in all it was pretty good. :D

In general, prepackaged food is not bad. I think in Estonian stores, you can make some really healthy picks, can't say anything bad about it. Of course there are unhealthy things, but mostly these are with meat, which I don't eat. I am still traumatized from going to this Mexican place, haha. :D But it happens, no worries.

Dessert

For dessert I actually had two things. I finally tried this farmer's vanilla pudding, which was fine. Not my favourite and I would probably not get it again, but it was quite nice still. I had it with strawberries, my friend mentioned that she had that kind of combo and it was good. Yes, it was indeed.

Then for the second thing I finally got my hands on this chocolate-coconut curd cream. It was quite nice, but could have been more chocolate-y and coconut-ey, but oh well. :D I think I prefer my style of curd cream dessert bowls with frozen fruit and berries and some granola or cereal. But I am glad I finally found this in the store and got to try it.

This day didn't leave me hungry at all, quite the opposite. I would gladly have all of these things again, but it is quite a waste of money, because you can make the same things so much cheaper. At least the salads and bowls and porridge. The dessert was most worth it, I would say.

It was good, because I didn't really have to make anything myself or think about what to make. It always takes me a long time to make up my mind in the store, I could walk around for an hour, I am not kidding. Also, I did go to the gym yesterday and it was good I didn't have to spend time on making food after that.

So now it is Friday and I am going to the Maritime Days with my sister and her friend. I didn't really find any info on who offers what food there, but I hope I will find something.

Lately I am so freaking sleepy all the time. It is normal for me to nod off when I am on the bus to work. Luckily I haven't missed my stop, yet. Anyway, I can't wait to go to sleep. Today I feel like my coffee needs coffee. :D

Which was surprising though, is that the small store near my work has quite a good selection of food, if you need something premade. I usually make a salad from the buffee or I pick a vegan wrap though, so it was nice to try something different for a change. My weight, well, is higher, but this is not the result of this one day of eating packaged foods. Also on Friday morning I had my normal porridge, for lunch I am going to have another wrap again and for dinner I will eat at the Maritime Days. It is nice maybe, that my weight is higher, so I can challenge not going back to my old routine and don't want to leave early to get home and have something I make. I can manage this.

My head is completely empty from challenges now, I have NO IDEA what I will write about on Monday. Also, today and next week to go and then I have a VACATION. It will only be two weeks, but hey, it is still something.

We plan to go to Taevaskoda and also to the Peipsi lake - with this, I also wanted to ask, are there any vegan/vegetarian places? I didn't really find any myself, but oh well. Worst case scenario is that I need to pop by a normal supermarket.

But now I have to start working in order for the weekend to arrive and then I can finally enjoy life!

You know the feeling when you want to go and have lunch outside, you go to a cafe and just take the lunch offer? Well, I don't.

Until yesterday.

I got an opportunity to go out to eat and take my friend with me, so we went to vegan cafe called SIIN (siin means "here" in english). And it was so good to just go there and not worry if the food is okay for me. Because all the daily meals are 100% vegan and they are normal, homemade food.

There are some places near my work, that offer vegetarian food. And for some odd reason it is always fried cheese, pureed soup with cheese and other kinds of stuff with cheese. It really seems that they can't come up with anything else. :D They think that ok, at least it is not meat, so it's fine. So I gave up going for a lunch out while I am working.

Yesterday I also had university entrance exam (which didn't go too well, because what the hell were these questions?), but I took a day off from work to relieve some of the stress at least. And I had exactly enough time for lunch between the exam and interview.

I have lunch - always. But in general it is quite small, so this caused me a lot of guilt. What were we offered? Oh yes - soya mince sauce with potatoes or buckwheat, fresh salad and some bread. It was EXACTLY the kind of normal lunch I aim for! I had to tell myself over and over again that normal people eat this food all the time. :D

Anyway, the food was amazing. Simple and tasty. It didn't have too much salt or too many other seasoning, it was just, well, good. Again I wondered why I don't make something similar at home more often. :D But yeah, it was nice to have a homemade meal without having to put any effort in. Just walk in and you are being served. :D

We went at around 12, the food had just gotten ready. The place itself as well was really sweet and cosy, I really liked that you could sit by the window and look out on the street. We talked to my friend about this always being our favourite spot.

It started raining so much exactly when I headed to the cafe. I dropped by a store to get myself a raincoat, as I didn't have an umbrella on me. :D Anyway, it was really nice to sit inside, look at the storm and dark skies and enjoy good food and nice compay. Ah, they also sold a lot of the products in the store from this website: paradisefoods . My bag was full of stuff at that point and I couldn't get anything unfortunately. :D But yeah, they had some stuff I have never tried before. 

They are open every day now as well, even during the weekend. And you can also order food from there via Bolt food or Wolt. I think I am going to order lunch sometimes from there, because honestly, it is such a soul food.

Then at first I thought that I was not going to have the bread, but it was so nice and fresh and soft that I had to eat it, haha. :D Perfect with this simple meal, even though I don't usually have bread with my lunches or dinners, I have bad memories from the hospital. :D But doing this now is the only thing that helps me get better.

Also every time after your meal you get a vegan chocolate candy as well, it is perfect to finish the meal, as I have always said I need at least ONE bite of something sweet. :D And this also gave my brain some energy, because I had to go back to the uni to take the interview. Also, we had cappuccino and it was amazing, I had only had one coffee that day and usually I would have had three by this time already.

Anyway I really recommend this place! And again, I really loved that I could take the lunch offer, without having to think if it is okay for me. Just went in and got food. :D Also the portion size was quite good, I liked that they also offer a small plate as well. In some places they only have one size, even though I think this has started to change slowly. But anyway, I was happy with this. :)

I think my interview at the university was a bit better than the test, but I can't say for sure. I knew that I was prepared, but the questions they asked were just awful. For example "what did this philosopher say to that lawyer" etc.... I thought they were going to ask questions I really needed to know in working at law. :D Some questions were easier as well, but I am quite unsure. But well, if I can't get in, then the world is not going to end, I can try again next year, as at least I know what to expect (if they don't change it, that is). So at the moment I am just hoping it goes well, but I am prepared for the negative answer as well. I should get the results soon (ALSO I AM BEHIND IN TRANSLATING MY POSTS, I DID GET IN!)

It was really funny to sit at the university, in the class. I graduated from Bachelor's in 2016, so it has been a long time since I was at school. I kind of do miss it, doing something. This is why I am thinking it would be nice to get into studying again - it would be something to aim for and I finally feel that I have enough energy for this.

Yesterday, when I got home, I thought about going to the gym, because today I am going to my parents' place, but I left it there and just rested at home. I did drop by a shopping center and got a new pair of jeans though. I have a lot of pants, but they all are a bit too tight and bring me negative emotions, so finally I can throw them out and wear new ones. The pants I got are really quite nice, light blue, perfect for summer.

There has been a lot of eating out recently. For example on Tuesday I went to Vabrik and also at Jahu restaurant. This does kind of make me stressed, but it is good as well, to get out of my comfort zone. For example today I don't really feel bad at all, I just remember good things from Tuesday. As I tell myself quite often: feel shit, but do it anyway, because there is not progress if you don't.

Yesterday evening I also really wanted to skip dinner, but I didn't do it. I had curd cream with strawberries, raspberries, mango and Lizi's granola my friend got me to relieve my exam stress. And it is really good, I just snack on it randomly. :D Tasty as hell! I have kind of gotten over my cereal addiction and moved on to muesli/granola.

And this bowl I made was really good. Last time I had something similar, I whinged on the blog, saying I wasted calories, haha. :D So it was nice to repeat the challenge and show myself that this was good this time. :D

And now today after work I am going to Viljandi. My grandma turned 80 in the spring, but due to corona she didn't have a party, now she is finally doing it outside. My task is to bake two really big kringels - one sweet and one savoury. I think I can do it. :D I really love cookings, especialyl for others. xD When I went to SIIN cafe I thought that oh man, I want to own a cafe as well, it would be so cool to make a menu and cook and so on. So if my lay career fails at one point, I know what I want to do. :D

Lately I have had so many "accidentally vegan" days and honestly I feel really good. :) I have a habit tracker on my bullet journal and I always mark down when I have a vegan day and in July there was a lot. Even though it is the beginning of the month only! But I haven't tried too many vegan products this month, I hope to get better at it. I just need to put my mind to this.

Where else should I go and eat in Tallinn?

What is your favourite food you would like to make in vegan version?

If you had to cook me ONE meal, what would you make? :D

This month I have tried so few vegan things. It is sad, but oh well.

I thought that I am not writing just random things here, but I want to tell something. Like, with eating, things are still difficult. When somethin is not perfect, I feel sooooo much like I am "wasting calories" and I can't handle it. Like for example last night I made something fast to eat, because I got home super late. And it was my curd cream-berries-cereal bowl. Because I have like half a kilo at once, right. Well, anywayyyy, in this berry mix there were blackcurrants and they were too sour and I was thinking that I don't like it at all and ate it super fast for that reason. And also after this I had some grapes and ice cream. And like, last night it was fine, I did feel a bit guilty about eating so fast and so late, but it was bearable.

And then today morning it started - thoughts of "I shouldn't have eaten it", I could have made something else, I could have only had snacks, I should have restricted a bit, you didn't like it anyway, you just scoffed it down, it was pointless, you didn't enjoy the process of eathing etc etc. And I am mad at myself. I thought that okay, I'll use this technic where I let myself feel bad for a bit, but whatever I do, this emotion doesn't leave me. And writing this down here is somehow reassuring. Like... at least someone else knows now. I feel like I need to justify myself. I thought I was over these kind of things, but apparently not.

Also my weight plays a role here, because it is higher than never before, but yes. I just would like to cry a bit at that, honestly. :D But I don't feel like crying, I can't push the tears out, I am just upset. Maybe this is something I need to talk to my psychologist about - how to get over this emotion.

Everything is okay. I was hungry, that is why I ate fast. Food doesn't need to be perfect. But I STILL feel like I wasted it. I guess I will feel this way today, hopefully it will pass by tomorrow. I just want to get over it, I don't know, it is so difficult to sit with these thoughts. I can't focus on anything really.

Anyway, now that this is off my chest, I can turn to the vegan products I tried last month. As I said, there are only a few, but I hope it is still interesting.

Hakitud soja tomatikastmes (Soy mince in tomato sauce)

I have never used this before, but now my parents and grandma came to visit us and it was my task to make dinner. I made some boiled potatoes and minced soy dish, I added some more tomato paste, mushrooms, onion, garlic, salt, pepper, and paprica. Everyone really enjoyed it and didn't believe it was vegan etc. :D Anyway, this was really positive surprise and I keep thinking I should make more foods like this! 10/10

Tooršokolaad guaranaga (Raw chocolate with guarana)

This I got a while ago from vegan subscription box, but honestly... I didn't like it. And usually I am a huge fan of dark chocolate. I shared it with people, with friends etc and they had it, but no one said it was good. Maybe other Stay Young chocolates are better, but this was a big disappointment. 3/10.

Naturli jäätis vaarikaga (Naturli ice cream with raspberries)

I loved that it was soft enough - it didn't need to thaw out of the freezer, I could just have it right away. But at the same time... it was nothing special. But well, I know that I don't like fruity ice creams that much. I should try their chocolate one. But this, I wouldn't get it again. 5/10.

Beyond meat burger (Beyond Meat burger)

I finally tried it at the restaurant in a burger and it was just AMAZING. It was exactly like meat, I showed it to my relative like ten times, asking if this looked vegan to her. :D It really probablt helped that it was in a burger with other things like onion jam and stuff, but I highly recommend it. Probably my favourite vegan meat alternative! 10/10.

Vegan Gourmet klassikalises marinaadis sojašašlõkk (Vegan Gourmet shaslik in classic marinade)

Eeerm about this I am really thinking about buying several kilos and freeze it. And then have it all year around, because it is just SO GOOD. It was really nicely marinated with vinegar, it had enough salt and it didn't dry out while being barbequed. It was awesome, another favourite product! 10/10. Next time I will try the spicy BBQ marinade one. I also had one other company's vegan shashlik, but there were too little people and we didn't prepare it.

Nemoloko kaerajook matcha teega (Nemoloko oat milk with matcha tea)

I have tried it once a long time ago, when I made this popular dalgona coffee, and it worked well. But just this, I didn't really like. Even though I have a weird relationship with matcha anyway, in some things I loved it, but on other occasions I don't. Anyway, I will bot be buying this again. 2/10.

Kalevi tume šokolaadi kirsi-tšilliga (Dark chocolate with cherries and chilli)

I think it is fully vegan, don't hit me when I am wrong. Anyway this I liked, though it had too little chilli, it could use some more. But I have bought it several times, because it is really good! And even though I am not a fruity chocolate fan mostly, this hits the spot. 7/10.

First challenge appeared already before Midsummer Day. I had just had lunch when my sister said that there are many kringel pastries, salad and other kinds of food left from her small gathering with coworkers and that me and mum can come there and eat. My mum came to Tallinn to take us back home by car, because Midsummer has always been the time you spend with your family. We are going to my Grandma's, have a BBQ, just chill and talk.

Anyway, I was full, but I KNEW I WANTED those things I prepared for my sister. I made cheese pastry and nutella pastry and some filled eggs. I knew I couldn't stop myself when these things were in front of me, it didn't matter how hard I tried. And is it wrong to have food because I want to?!

These were just super good.

Everything always goes back to weight and the fact that as of right now I don't need to gain any. These eating moments, overeating etc is much easier to justify when I was underweight. Then it didn't matter if I gained a few kilos or not, because I needed that. But today it isn't like so anymore. Also I know that tomorrow, on Midsummer's Eve, I will eat soooo much. I know that I can't stop myself yet again.

I have been thinking about restricting in advance, skipping a few meals or not having dinner, but I haven't done that. I really wish I did, because then my eating would be okay. But I have been doing good, trying to be normal.

Today I also haven't been able to walk around, walking is still an obsession for me. But knowing I CAN'T walk today is also kind of freeing, because finally I don't have to count the steps. But it would at least calm my nerves... at the moment I am just really anxious.

Actually I have also been working from home today, but if I didn't have to do it, I would have taken a long walk already. Even though lately I just can't be bothered. I have done other things with my time and I have learned I also like doing other stuff. Reading books, writing letters, watching series and movies, listening to music, journaling and scrapbooking, being with friends and relatives and so on. I can't even really believe I used to spend 4-5 hours a day just walking around.

At the moment yes, I am still doing it, but not voluntarily. It is an obsession and need. It also doesn't help that people post on Instagram about how much they have walked... I feel like it automatically becomes and competition and I can't be "worse" than them. Argh, it is just so frustrating!

At least I have better relationship with the gym, I don't have to go there every damn day. I just go a few times per week. And I don't use the equipment that shows how many calories you have burned. I do weigh training with different machines, I try out dumbbell exercises and yesterday I also did some abs. And I have gotten over this "must burn calories" thinking, I do stuff that I like and what make me feel good. I have also been thinking about getting back into running, but the weather is just TOO hot at the moment. Honestly, this is too much even for me. :D I have also been thinking about taking my sleeping bag to 24/7 opened store and go sleep there. xD I wonder how the workers would react to this...

Anyway yes, at my sister's, I still tried everything I had made and then we drove to Viljandi. Me and my mum also picked up some Vegan Gourmet vegan shaslik and it literally took us an hour to drive from my place to the pick up location, there was so much traffic. But it was worth it. :D

I felt really super upset when we went to Viljandi and mostly I felt again that I don't want to exist, I just would like to fall asleep and not wake up. I couldn't calm down somehow and whatever I did, my mood didn't improve. In the end I took my meds and headed to bed, because I just didn't know what else to do.

The next day was hundred times better. In the morning we all had some breakfast, then we just chilled outside before it got too hot. We had some watermelon, strawberries, blueberries etc, we just snacked the whole day. Then I also went for a little walk, went to the place my other Grandma lived when she was alive and it was so nostalgic. I took a huge detour home and picked some field flowers for my Grandma, who'se place we went for a BBQ. :D

I got some rain, but it stopped quite soon and it was hot yet again, so I dried off fast. I vurned my shoulders and back a little, because I wore the upper part of my bikini and it was 12 pm. Today my shoulders really hurt, I came to work with backpack and I really didn't want to wear it. :D

Then around 5 we went to my Grandma's place and my dad started the BBQ. We had some meat shaslik, then fish one and this soya one I ordered. I also wanted to try the fish one really bad.

And…

It was amazing. :D I also have another vegan meat from a company, but there was only 6 of us so there was no point in barbequing it all. We left it for another time when I came to Viljandi. Anyway, the fish one was good as well and was eaten first.

Anyway, I tried this vegan shashlik and it was so real! It tasted like meat, the texture was like meat etc. It was perfectly marinated and it wasn't dry at all. Others also tried it and they liked it, but I pretty much had the whole 1 kg bag by myself. xD Me and dad kind of competed though, because he also really enjoyed it. Anyway yes, I will definitely order some more, because... I am really buzzing for it. :D

We sat outside for a long time and in the end I even got to wear a hoodie, soooooo nice. Because the weather has been really hot here. We also had cheese, grapes, watermelon, pastries, ice cream etc. But...

II ate a lot. But not so much that I would have felt overly bloated. Maybe it helped that I had vegan meat, it is kind of lighter? Anyway, I didn't really feel disgusting and I didn't even have guilt feelings the next morning. I had my normal breakfast. Okay, I had a few too many drinks, so I felt a bit hungover, but nothing too bad. :D

But when I woke up I was really anxious. Exactly like I was in Tartu. My heart was pounding, head was spinning, hands were shaking and I just felt suuuuper panicky. I didn't know what to do. I went to my dad and asked him to sit with me, but it ended up to be a lecture. It wasn't very nice. At least soon my mum woke up and I cried a little, then I was better. xD I don't know, these panic attacks are really bad. I feel weird the whole day.

To my surprise, I didn't take the earliest bus or train back to Tallinn, I stayed in Viljandi a bit longer. We were just chilling, I didn't even go for a walk, even though I really felt like I should have gone. It is bothering me a lot.

When I got back to Tallinn, I went to the nearest store! I thought that well, I have time, maybe I should walk a little more, but I was just so tired and then I only got in about 2000 steps. And I really didn't care. What a weird feeling...

And today morning my weight was up by two kilos from before going to Viljandi. But... I didn't care. Like, I wasn't bothered AT ALL. It is I think the first time where I just don't care, usually I still get some pangs of emotion related to it. But not this morning. And I really didn't worry about food and eating in Viljandi. I felt that things can be, well, normal.