I Won't Quote

Actually I didn't even plan on doing this challenge, but then I thought that yesterday (on Sunday) I drank so much water that it was definitely at least 2 l. And then on Monday at work I also started strong, so it seemed that the five day challenge (at least) was go.

Sunday

I was in Tartu visiting my relative and it was so hot all the time and we drank a lot of... water. And also she didn't have any sodas at home that I would have liked to have. And honestly after a long period of time I felt thirsty. And for water.

When I got up in the morning I had several glasses of water, I also took a drinking bottle to the bus with me and at home I also sipped on carbonated water. And like... at one point I craved for a soda, but it... passed? Like, last time I had some Coke, it was on Thursday (I also did have a small Pepsi Max on Saturday), it kind of made me feel awful. It suddenly tasted disgusting.

When I went to a store and saw Monster energy drinks was on sale, I had already put one in the basket for myself, but at the last moment I took it back. For a period of time, about two weeks, I had an energy drink every day and I got really bad stomach cramps. Then from Thursday onwards I haven't bought them anymore. I still have had like 1,5 liters of coke on Thursday, but then I had a little break. On Friday I had some Fanta and then on Saturday this small Pepsi, but that was it.

And I felt a lot better yesterday. I didn't have this heavy feeling in my stomach. Also I had a ton of vegetables with dip and like 2 kilos of watermelon so I was full of water anyway, yet I knew that if I had some soda, I would still drink it and then feel extra awful later.

Monday

I just went to the store to get some lunch and I automatically stopped at the soft drinks. I wanted Fanta or Sprite really badly. But it didn't seem so good suddenly. Or well, it did, but I didn't feel like I absolutely needed it.

In the morning I had a glass of water with some syrup, I always do it when I take my meds, but at work I have already had 750 ml bottle of carbonated water. It is good to do that, we have a carbonated water dispenser at the office. And I have a really nice glass waterbottle at work. I got a new one from my relative and took this one to the office with me. 

I haven't really felt thirsdy today, but I have been sipping on water. And it is good. I don't know, I think I am finally over soda. And this sugar free thing. I am not saying that I will never drink sodas again, of course I will, but I will try not to have 1,5 l obttle every single day.

And even though carbonated soft drinks are sweet and kind of more filling, they actually make me more hungry. It is probably due to the fact they have a lot of sweeteners in and your organism thinks that it will get some calories. And when it doesn't, it gets confused, because it has already prepared. I think I read it from somewhere, but I am too lazy to look it up right now. You can just Google it.

Anyway yes, even though it is only my second soda free water drinking day, I am quite excited. :D I really needed this new beginning and Tartu was really good to me.

Today I have already had three coffees and I think I will make a cup of tea soon, but I don't count them into my water intake. I will set 2 l as a goal for pure water. It may be carbonated though. :D Becase like, water is water, but in black tea (that I usually have) there is coffeine and it takes water out of your body, so yeah, this is where the logic comes from. :D

I hope I will be able to have two liters today, but considering it is only one pm and I am already halfway, it doesn't seem that difficult. And if I want to have more water, I will have more water. And if I don't manage to have 2 l, I won't. I will just follow how I feel.

Last half a cup was a bit difficult to be honest, but I still managed. Later I also had another cup of tea - we had apartment complex meeting and it took a long time and I got cold sitting outside, so this was perfect to finish the day.

Tuesday

I wanted to start the morning with a glass of water, but I just don't feel thirsty when I wake up. So before I got to the water, I had already had three cups of coffee. :D But at least I am here now. At the moment it is 9:30 and I just started with my first 750 ml bottle of water. But I think I will easily manage two today, it is getting easier by the day.

Yesterday I actually really wanted to have soda. At home when I was sitting and watching TV, I thought I would kill for Fanta or something. Also I am convinced that the Coke I have been drinking also gave me energy, because I have just been really sleepy recently. I would really like an energy drink or something. But no. Maybe after this challenge I will let myself have a soda or energy drink once per week, but I don't really want this addiction to continue.

When I am drinking water, I constantly feel really bloated and full and have to go to the bathroom a lot, it is pretty annoying. xD But well, I am getting used to it, I am sure, and it will be fine. I know a lot of people who have done this kind of challenge and they have kept drinking just as much water for a year or more and they say that they will never go back to not drinking water. :D Maybe I will be the same, we shall see.

Today drinking water isn't going that well, it is already 12:30 and I have only had half of the first bottle. :D

And it was really difficult in the end. For dinner I made a huge bowl of pasta with carrots and eggplant and I had hald of liter of yoghurt with berries and cereal and I really couldn't get the water down. :D But I did have it in the end, even though I had to use the bathroom many times at night.

Wednesday

I don't really crave for a soda, but at the same time I DO want some. I miss sweet taste. Every time I sip some water, I feel like something is missing. Also I need to start drinking regular water instead of carbonated soon, because I went to see the dentist today and I will get the invisalign things tomorrow (kind of like see through moulds that I need to wear) and during this I can only have regular water. :(

And I have to wear them 24/7, except for eating and brushing my teeth for the first three months! So it will be difficult, at least it has been a good preparation. :D It really sucks that I have a lot of coffee and tea usually and I need to take them out each time I make a cup.

Honestly, I don't really want to complain, because I am really happy with my teeth journey. The result is so worth it. And I want to keep my teeth straight. Also it was so weird at the dentist, for the moulds, they scanned my teeth with 3D pencil. It used to be that they manually take moulds, but now they just used a pen that they moved around in my mouth. It was kind of like in a futuristic mobie or something. :D But it was much more comfortable than taking the moulds. Then they also took some photos of me and had me smile etc, I felt like a true model!

It is almost 11 right now and I have had 3 sips of water. But also one glass of juice and I am on my third cup of coffee. So at least I have had some liquids.

My weight had gone up a lot today morning, and I really upset me. Even though I know I overate last night etc. Oh well. I guess I need to get used to it.

But honestly thinking back to my Tartu trip I feel really positive. Or like, yeah, yesterday was a difficult day for example, but it was nice to remember Tartu and I made myself go back there in my mind, thinking that see, normailty is possible. It did help a little. Tomorrow I also have my psychologist appointment and I feel like this will be the first meeting I won't be bawling my eyes out, haha. :D

Also it is my sixth day of not working out. Yesterday I felt SUPER guilty because of it, but I didn't go to the gym, I just didn't have the time. In the evening I did think that damn, I should have, but nah. It is not mandatory and I have this compensation from work for my gym membership so it doesn't matter if I don't go to the gym for a week or something. Actually I would like to go today, but I know I won't have the time for it. But tomorrow I think I finally will be able to go. :D It is kind of good that I literally can't go. Because at one point it did start to become obsessive once more. Exactly like yesterday for the whole day I tried to talk myself out of making pasta - it seemed so scary, because I hadn't had it for a long time. And the portion was huge, I could have just made carrot-eggplant stew with cheese, but then I thought that NO,I WANT pasta. Weird how this is so low on my fear foods table, it used to be one of the scaries things. :D At the moment the first place is shared by rice and quinoa and such things, then it is vegan meat alternatives, then breads, then pasta and noodles and on fifth place there are potatoes. But honestly, I think I am really scared of only rice and quinoa and vegan meat. :D I don't even know why (or okay, I do, I just checked some vegan meat nutritional information).

Anyway yes. I wanted to talk about drinking water, but it is just so me - I start to write about everything else, hehe. :D

Again the last half a liter was difficult. But at the same time I also had a lot of food again in the evening and I was really bloated. I surprisingly still felt thirsty so I finished the day with a glass of water. It was really weird without soda, I am always used to having a bottle after dinner and snacks. :D It is weird to sit without it, hahaha. :D

Thursday

It is last day of this challenge and let's see how it goes then. At the moment it is 10:30 am and I have taken two sips of water. I also need to leave work earlier today in order to see my psychologist, so I need to try and drink more. :D I know I won't do so well at home.

But also I would really like to go to the gym today after 7 days and I would be having water there for sure.

Recently I have this stupid habit of only drinking coffee with chocolate milk. I will try to go for normal milk again now. But it is difficult. :D Like last night at around 8 pm I made some decaf coffee with chocolate milk and caramel syrup for myself, hahaha. :D

Also my weight had really gone up today morning. I am going for the middle of my normal weight range and it is scary. On Friday after work I will meet my friend and we said we would go and have some awesome flavoured coffees and my first thought was okay, I will go and see my doctor in the middle of the day so I "don't have time to have lunch". But no, I can't do that. Especially if I want to go to the gym today as well. I think this is how normal behaviour should be.

I am kind of afraid of Midsummer day next week... but oh well, what can I do. I will try and be more reasonable for the rest of the summer then. Overeating once or twice in a week seems to be my norm. I just wish my weight stopped going up already, but if I want this, I need to start restricting, but I don't want to do this and it is all so complicated. I just...

Today I also made a mistake of reading about people with EDs online and there were a lot of pictures and it made me so emotional. I mean, I look well now, but I kind of want to go back to where I was with my body. I feel like if I was really underweight, my eating would be more justified etc. :S

Okay, today drinking water has not gone very well and I need to leave work in a bit. I will try to drink some though, because I refuse to give up. Ah, what I have also discovered after I started having a lot of water - I feel constipated. :D :D :D I don't know, why, but I feel disgusting. In reality it should be the other way around...

Friday

I managed to have enough water yesterday, because I had a lot at the gym. :D And in the evening I also downed a glass before going to bed, because I just felt thirsty. Even though I had just finished off a lot of watermelon, but well, it is me with my black hole of a stomach.

Today I am already thinking that oh, I completed the challenge, I should have a soda. :D Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I feel like I could have something to celebrate Friday.

I didn't see much of a change in my five days of doing this challenge. My skin didn't get better, my stomach is still bloated a lot and my apetite seemed even higher than it was when I had sodas.

I cried a lot at my psychologist's. :D I don't know, how this is possible. She just asks the "right" things, like when she sees that something is bothering me and is stuck in my head and I try to lie/not say something/come up with something, she doesn't stop before she gets the bottom of it. And usually it comes with crying.

Yesterday she told me that in people, there are different characters - for example a critic, angry child, vulnerable child, happy child etc. And then my vulerable child came out of me and I just cried and cried. But it felt so good later.

After this I went to see my dentist and I got the moulds. Oh my god they are so uncomfy and I thought I will never be able to sleep with them, but I managed. At the moment I got to work a bit earlier and I just made coffee, I am looking at the moulds now and I think that they are like 1. fake teeth or 2. lenses for your teeth. Anyway they are really annoying. I just rediscovered gum and now later when I meet my friend I need to take the moulds out if I want to have coffee and then later put them back and argh. But well, doing this for my teeth!

My weight isn't going down at all. I don't really want it to go. But every morning when I step on the scale I still hope that it does. Yeah, still can't let it go.

But I have walked a lot less, this is new progress.

Also, a funny story. I went to the gym yesterday, right, and did something with dumbbells (because like, there were too many people and I felt too awkward to use the machines) and then two guys were talking about training different mucles. And then one of them said that they should run up the mountain (mäkkejooksu tegema) and I don't know what came over me, I just couldn't not say anything. So I said that when he said run up a mountain (mäkkejooksu), I thought you said run into McDonalds (mäkki jooksu). Then we all laughed and thought that it would be a great motivator and maybe we should aim for a McDonalds that is far away. They seemed like my kind of people, but it was pretty #awkward, now that I think about it.

Yep. This is the challenge. And I was not excited for it at all, because I don't like water. I usually have my liquids as coffee or tea, lately with sirup and carbonated water. But just drinking plain water is not for me. I don't know how I will handle this. I am starthing this challenge tomorrow and we can see how I feel about it.

But before you get all panicky, I would like to announce that of course I ate as well. It wasn't a fasting day, obviously. I just changed all the drinksi into water. :D Haa, clever, aren't I? :D

Anyway usually in the mornings I have three cups of coffee and then a fourth one a bit later. On the days I am at home, I make two caffeine free ones and two real ones, but there is no caffeine free coffee at work so four normal ones it is. :D

At home I rarely drink tea thesedays, but I have quite a bit of it at work. My current favourite is Lipron with citrus. Something good in this combination. But now I picked up my tea book I got for Christmas and I am trying different ones again. I am keeping all the packages and sticking them into my tea notebook. :)

And in addition to this, I usually have A LOT of Pepsi Max or Coca Cola Zero. Lately I have tried to switch it up and have sirup with carbonated water, hoping this is a bit healtheir (though probably not...). But it is so good - orange squash with carbonated water tastes like Fanta!

Anyways yes, I am not a drinker of water AT ALL. I would rather have nothing than this. Weird thing, I know. So this is why I thought I would try this challenge. Do see how I manage. Even when I have my vitamins at the morning, I make some flavoured water or something. :D

How to substitute for coffee and tea is simple. I can just have hot water. This habit I got into when I was at the hospital in Tallinn already - I got sick of having so much tea, but I wanted to drink something warm and then hot water worked just fine. It is actually genius.

Morning

My breakfast with hot water was okay. I made my usual yoghurt bowl and I didn't really miss coffee. But then I got on the bus. And for real, I couldn't keep my eyes open at all. I don't know if I had slept badly or it was really because I didn't have coffee. Maybe both things.

Then I got to work and usually I have two cups of coffee straight away to start my morning. So now I am drinking another mug of hot water and fight with myself. I have two thoughts:

a) I will make coffee, but don't blog about it and pretend I completed my challenge

b) I will make coffee and admit that I failed the challenge.

The option of not having coffee is not there, because firstly I miss the taste and it is true that it wakes you up. Also I left some coke in the fridge yesterday evening so I am sure that being at home with it is going to be super difficult.

Lunch

It is only actually past 10 am, but I will consider this as lunch. I am drinking another cup of hot water, because it is a bit chilly here. I am sleepy, I honestly feel hangover. I don't have a headache which I was the most worried about, so that is good.

When someone makes coffee at work, it is super triggering, haha. :D I would like to just SMELL some coffee right now, but I won't be making a cup just for this. At least I ran out of plant based milk yesterday, so this is a good excuse not to have any. I find normal milk gross at the moment.

I like coffee as it is kind of... thick? Also I feel hungry ALREADY, but when I have coffee, it doesn't come that fast. Water just doesn't seem to be enough. At least it is fine when I have it hot. :D I don't know, I can't explain it. I am just NEVER thirsty. Like, for real. I think I am feeling like drinking something maybe once in every couple of months or so. And this only when I haven't had a drop of liquid all day. I don't drink coke because I am thirsty, I usually just want something sweet. :D

I tried to imagine having a day of fasting but nope, too mad. :D I just want to go home at the moment and fall back to sleep. xD

Now lunch is about commence and I just poured myself a fourth cup of hot water. I still don't feel like drinking it cold, I would rather just sip on it slowly. I will imagine it is cheap and shitty tea with no flacour. :D We all know the kinds.

Honestly I don't feel any side effects, except for the fact I am feeling a bit drowsy (both mentally and physically) and I got hungry earlier. Currently it is fine. I rather miss the taste of coffee and the process of making it and drinking it. So rest assured, I will never make such a stupid challenge again! :D Drinking water is good, but I would prefer it when I could have a choice.

Actually I have been playing with the thought of making coffee and eating a cookie. And then I could write that yeah, I tried to do this challenge, but I didn't complete it. But another part of me is like "you have already come so far, half of the day is gone, just a little bit more" and then I don't want to give up. :D Why do I have to be such a perfectionist? I could have taken it easy and for example quit caffeine for a day or something. But noooo, I picked the harder version and am drinking only water. :D

My best friend also said that this is crazy and she would never do something like this. :D I told her I will moan about it to her, but I haven't done it so far. She was the one who taught me to drink coffee when we both worked at the restaurant. I used to have it quite rarely, only when I went out for a cake or something, but not every day. :D And then at the restaurant we had proper coffee machine and more time on some days - of course I had like 5-6 lattes or cappuccinos on those days. :D

At least she hasn't written to me today to say that she would like some coffee or that she made some coffee, because it would be like putting salt on the wound!

I don't know what to expect from tonight's Expensive calories episode. I think it will be pretty stupid, but oh well. :D At least I have watched all the episodes so far and kept up to date. Also, my Facebook is constantly telling me to add the show host as a friend :'D Why. I know I write about him and the algorithm probably thinks we want to become buddies. :D

Aa, what else. There is this one bookstore that shares recommendations and I found this: "Good Reasons for Bad Feelings". This sounds really interesting.

Even though I am STILL reading the second book of "The Painted Man". I am halfway through soon and I have tried reading a little every day. Not as much as I would like, but still a little.

Working out at home is going well though! Yesterday it came up to a week when I have done my workout every day. :D My muscles aren't sore anymore, except for when I do the exercises. So I have started adding a few reps each day. But I have this stupid habit that if I make more on one day, I have to do even more on the next and so on. So soon I will be working out like two hours in a row or something. :D

Evening

It is actually just past lunch, but I will mark it down as evening. I am really interested how I am feeling tomorrow and how the first coffee after 24 hours is going to taste like. :D I feel like I will overdo it and easily have 6-8 cups, haha. :D

Anyway I think I am startind to develop a headache now. Got a slight feeling. I think it is definitely because I haven't had caffeine. I still am really craving for it and I have already walked into kitchen once to make a cup. But on the last moment I changed my mind and picked hot water instead.

Just went and got some carbonated water, because I suddenly did feel a bit thirsty? Which is really strange. Actually I even have a really nice water bottle at work, I don't know why I am not using it more. :D

Anyway when I got home and took a shower and the time hit six, I was ready to go to sleep. Honestly. I felt so tired. I also didn't do my workout. Or well, I started, but stopped halfway through, because I felt soooo tired.

I don't know if it is honestly because I didn't have any coffee or caffeine, but yeah, it was like this. I still stayed awake long enough to watch the last episode of Expensive calories.

Which was boring this time. The host bothered me a lot, especially when he said he was really disappointed in them after last night's party. And then they weighed themselves and one of them had lost 4,5 kgs in a week, very healthy, right.

NOT.

And then they showed us what had happened to them in four months. I am glad they were all doing fine and felt good. Nothing bad to say about it.

But at the same time I don't understand how one of them has the time to "walk tens of km in a day". Like, I understand that I walk around a lot, but not that much. Even I don't have that much time.

I am glad that this one girl got over her depression, but at the same time... to put = between getting rid of depression and losing weight, is a bit of an overkill. I was on the EXACT same point in my life and I thought this would solve my problems. But here I am instead. Blogging about my eating disorder recovery journey.

Actually I started to wonder if I still have an eating disorder. Maybe I should finally leave it behind me and think of myself as someone who USED to have an ED? Because well, my weight is almost at the normal range and I don't restrict myself anymore, I haven't binged in a while and I don't really feel guilty much thesedays. I can handle things pretty well, my thoughts are working and I am not constantly dreaming about food. I guess it is too early to say I am healed, but I feel like I am over it. I am tired of always speaking about my ED (except for when I am discussing it with someone who has been on the same path). I don't get these moments that flip me off completely. Like yes, I watched those old pictures when I had them printed out and I got the feeling of wanting to be back there, but then I decided against it, had proper meals and all that. I don't let things affect me as much anymore.

Recently I have changed my eating up a bit again. I used to not snack during the day and then binge at night, but now I have devided the snacks throughout again. It felt wrong.

Of course there are tough times. When I step on the scale in the morning, I still want to see the number to go down. But like... at the hospital they told me that I am probably a chronic sufferer and will never be completely fine. But I think I am breaking out of this cycle.

There are challenges for me. I don't like eating out, it is difficult to have a meal with other people and I often don't pick what I like and opt for lower calorie things. So okay, I am not well yer, but I feel that I will never go back to where I was. And it feels good. It is nice to know that people don't worry about me anymore and they don't look at me weird in a bus, thinking what is wrong with me. My mum's neighbour doesn't think I have cancer any longer. I have energy to do things and I feel like there is so much space in my head.

And the way to get hear has been FUCKING difficult. I was sure that I would never make it. I didn't even want to. I remember my anger at the hospital, and the feeling of not wanting to let go of anorexia. I remember missing my hunger pangs. Oh yes, it is still in my mind quite often, but I just don't let it overtake me again.

The change is that now I KNOW what I need to do. And... it is difficult to help others. I have been on this read myself, but my words won't ever be enough. I can tell you to do this or that, see what happens etc, but it is not useful if a person doesn't want to get better. One needs to find their own motivation, goal and path. No one can do it for them. I can give ideas for challenges and tell you what has helped me, I can tell you about theory and practice, but I can't change your thoughts, I don't have a solution or medication to make you get better. It IS constantly hard, you do cry your eyes out, you feel like there is no purpose in your life, you know what you SHOULD do, but it is so DAMN difficult. Believe me, I know. But... I hope that you will one day get there. Start with your "why".

And like... say it when you have a hard time. Talk to me. Write to me on Facebook or Instagram or somewhere else. Maybe I always don't know what to say, but you at least know I understand. Oh yes, I understand EXACTLY. And talking is really helpful. I mean, I still sometimes tell my sister that "today is difficult to eat day" and it is kind of freeing to let it out. Find someone you trust and who you can talk to. Find someone who understands. I am sure you all have someone like this in your life. And if there isn't, I am open for chats.

What I want to say in this post is that I cannot help you. But I can listen to you and be a quiet support. And if you think this is enough, let it out. :)

Conclusion

I will never do such a stupid challenge again. Honestly, I am silly thinking about this one. :D And if there is one addiction I have, coffee one is fine. It is too good to give it up. :D And I think that if there is a case I can't have coffee for a day, I will handle it, just like I did this time.

At home I didn't have any water, because I didn't want to. I knew that if I poured myself a glass, the next moment I would take my bottle of coke and finish it, haha. :D This is the kind of person I am. All or nothing.

But my plan for today (now it is the next day) is to get a biiig bottle of Pepsi Max or Pepsi Max lime. One day not having it will make today's one even better. :D

The next morning

Having coffee this morning it wasn't anything special at all. It was normal. It did do. Now I just made a second cup at work and I am enjoying it. I will write some things down here and then continue with my work. Though I don't really feel like it, because I have so many awful cases. :S I would instead like to be at home, curl up on a sofa, read a book and pet Motu. But oh well, I can do it on the weekend.

I also thought about watching a movie yesterday, but I was too sleepy. :D Aa, I take meds before bed that also make me sleepy, but usually I still manage to stay up for at least half an hour. Yesterday I had them, got into bed and literally five minutes later woke up, startled, thanking some higher power because I forgot to set an alarm. Lucky!

Also I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms. Didn't get much of a headache in the end, the weird feeling only lasted for about 20 minutes. I didn't even have to take meds. And also I don't really get side effects from drinking coffee, like I don't get anxious or shaky, my heart doesn't start to beat fast etc. Maybe I used to when I was really underweight.

I wanted to complete a week long challenge by Monday but I kind of didn't start at the right time. Oh well, I will figure something else out. Maybe another 24 hour one? But definitely something easier than this time... I think this is the most difficult challenge I have ever done. xD