Me and some of my friends went to a Japanese restaurant I have been wanting to visit for forever. I had tantan vegan ramen and it was amazing. Highly recommend!

Overeating or binge I don't really have that often. But at the same time I can't say there haven't been some moments like this. It is Christmas time and there are a lot of Christmas parties, some have already been and some are to come. So I thought that this is a relevant thing to talk about, especially because I am feeling stressed over family Christmas party.

Firstly I am scared of my relatives' comments, such as "you look better" etc. Because in my head, I automatically translate it into "you have become fat". I don't know why it is like this, but it is. I understand that people mean well. But I cannot take it like this.

Secondly the eating part. I am scared o f overeating. For example I just attended a Christmas party, where I legit had a binge. I kept eating and couldn't stop. At first it was like "ah, it doesn't matter", but it grew into I need to eat as much as possible. And then later I regretted it. For several days in a row. I don't know why I can't take it as it is and think that yeah, I had more food than normally, but when I get back into my rhytm, it doesn't even matter.

I told about this to my doctor and nurses at the hospital when they asked about binging. This is not a rare thing and they even doubted it was a real binge, as I was probably unable to eat as much as I thought. But well.

Every time before going out to eat, I think that I will eat the normal amount. I'll eat as much as I need to get full and feel comfortable. I don't know why this changes when the situation arises. I feel like ah fuck it, even though I know how disgusting and hard it is later and it takes time to get better. At the same time this time I was good and ate normally the next day after the party.

It is Christmas soon. Actually this is nice time, I love Christmas decorations and fairy lights and so on. And it is nice to spend time with my family and friends as well. I will try to enjoy my Christmas this year and not overeat. I will try to enjoy my freedom and I will try not  to think about food all the time. I want to take it easy. Luckily I have some time to prepare myself mentally.

All kinds of birthdays, midsummer celebrations and meetings are so difficult because I can't handle myself. Maybe one day I van; when my life doesn't revolve around food as much as it does now. I don't know... I will just try to be more ready regarding the Christmas parties and think that I will eat as much as I want, but I will stop when I am still comfortable. I know that there will be more eating than I am used to, but I hope I don't trigger the guilt as much as I usually do. Moderation is the key. I hope I can handle it...

I will try to mark down my menu from today again. I have started several times and then stopped, because there has been some event or I have eaten out. Maybe now I will do better, because I don't really have any plans for the week. Or if there will be plans, I will just incorporate them to my menu as well.

About new year... I just don't know. In theory I have to go back to the hospital on the second of January, but I have been doing well at home and I feel like I will manage. I don't know what to do - call and say I won't come? Maybe they just want me to go there for an appointment then? I don't know. Just... going to the hospital for a month again is not something I am ready for. I can do it on my own!

I talked to my psychologist during my last appointment and we came up with 4 things I want to get better at. These were loneliness, free time, comparing to others and routine. These are all difficult things for me, but I tried to make a list of them and get on with the easiest - free time.

So this means that during my free time I will do things which I like. For example setting up a bullet journal, handcraft, reading, maybe writinf. If I have managed to make use of my free time, I will try to move on to the next thing. For example comparing myself to others. I do it a lot at home with my sister (for example when she eats less than I do etc). And with other people - for example the same Christmas party. Some people left some cake and I automatifally felt bad for finishing mine. It was too big of a piece but I still forced it down, even though I was already uncomfortably full.

Routine would be on the third place, because it is really hard to deal with. I constantly feel that I want things to be as I plan in my head. That the dinner would always be at seven, snack would always be at eight and lunch at one and so on. And when something is different, I start panicking. To fight this, it would be better to go eat outside (but moneyyyy) or instead of having a set time, I should have a time window (for example the dinner would be between six and eight, not at seven on the dot). I need to make some plans to get over this.

And lastly, loneliness. Recently I have been feeling really low and lost and stuck. I don't really have anything to do, I don't have a goal which I have usually always had.  And I feel like everyone else have something to live for or something to do. And then there is me who feels just trapped. At  the hospital it was different, I didn't think of that as much. At the same time there I did have a goal - to get home. At the moment I don't have anything. Though I have started to look at some flats... it is both exciting but depressing, considering the flat prices...

This post came quite far from eating part, but there is that. These thoughts are in my head today. In the morning I have my personal weigh in and I don't know what I am scared of - not gaining any weight or gaining too much? Anyway I am scared. We have a deal with my family that every Monday and Thursday I am letting them know my weight so they could keep me accointable. I do feel as if I have gained a lot thanks to that Christmas party... even though it is probably impossible. We shall see.



Before the first Christmas party of the year.