I Won't Quote

I thought about not posting today, because my vacation started and I don't have anything written down. But then I decided I will still write a bit and make a short post, because it is kind of weird to not post on my assigned day without a warning. So this is published later than usually, but still, better late than never.

About my last post, I did a poll on instagram and it appears that sleeping naked is more popular than I thought. :D It was quite a surprise. Several people also wrote to me and asked like what the heck, did you sleep with clothes on until now, haha. :D I don't really understand it either, because it is much better to sleep without clothes. Especially if you have shaved and put on fresh bedsheets. :D Anyway yes, I think that I will continue like this, though I am not getting naked when I visit someone.

I have several thoughts in my head...

Lately I have thought that maybe I still avoid some fooda. But at the same time things that I eat, I really enjoy. So then I am just torn all the time, do I really avoid foods or is it okay to constantly have same stugg? I don't know, I am not good enough at analyzing this stuff.

My menu is quite varied, I mean, I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, I add some healthy protein and also carbs, of course. But yeah, the things I cook are always very similar. Like lately for the past few months I have had porridge for breakfast all the time and already when I go to sleep, I think that I can't wait for the morning to come, because I want my oatmeal. This is really my favourite food and the day isn't right if I don't start it with it. Yes, I can eat other stuff as well, but I always CRAVE for oats.

I also keep thinking that I should have something different for lunch, but there are certain things I just always like to have, it is difficult to come up with something else. Besides the stores near my home don't really stand out with their ready meal selections, so it is just easier to always pick similar items.

Also lately I have made a little change - I have made my lunches much bigger. This has always been the time I eat the least, but now when I have a vacation and I am at home, I always make proper filling lunches. And this causes a lot of anxiety. I just keep thinkin that now I shouldn't have too much food in the evenings, as my lunch was bigger. But in the evenings I am still super hungry and eat a lot, which means I consume a lot more calories than I used to. No wonder my weight keeps going up.

What are my regular meals then in the menu? For example Caesar salad with salmon, sweet potato with beans, cottage cheese salad with omelette, boiled potatoes with herring and cottage cheese, all kinds of rice bowls etc. And like, I don't know, I feel a bit sad that I don't try out new things more, but at the same time I really do like what I eat. And I still feel like not having the same kind of things several days in a row.

Lately I have also had dnner way later than seven. Usually at this time I am still at the gym and then I eat around 8-9. And I ALWAYS have snacks or dessert as well. Can't go without them. I could be really full after dinner, but I still need to snack on something, or my day is not finished properly. It is so nice to chew on something while watching YouTube videos or TV.

Now that my vacation has sterted, my own rhytm is totally different. I can make proper food for lunch. My dinners are different, for example today my best friend is coming over and I promised to make some Chinese food and naan bread for her. Then tomorrow I am going to Viljandi and will eat with the family. Again, I am so used to my own things and it is kind of difficult to act out of the ordinary. But it is not the end of the world, I want to get into this normality, where I wouldn't stress about things like this.

I have also thought about gettinf a meal plan, maybe it would give me more inspiration on what to do. But at the same time I know that considering my obsessiveness, if there would be something out of the plan, it would cause a lot of stress. So I don't know, I don't think it is the best idea. :D

Lately I have also been going to the gym a lot. My muscles are a bit sore today, but not too bad. I divided my days a little, so on one day I work on my upper body, on another day I work on the lower body etc. And on some days I run or do more cardio. I don't know, I really quite like this. I am still waiting for the motivation to go and run outside, haven't really felt like it so far. At the gym it is no problem to run on the treadmil though, I did quite a long distance yesterday.

Anyway yes, my vacation's first week is fully booked, on the second week I only have one plan as of right now. But again, there are quite a lot to do in August in general. I like planning a lot, but when something actually comes up, I start to think that I can't be bothered and don't want to do it. I need to force myself, I know I have to.

Motu just came to sleep on my lap and it is very difficult to write like this, haha. :D But he is so sweet, I don't have the heart to make him go away. Animals are amazing. Like, when I am feeling really shitty and my mood is in the gutter, I think that I need to deal with things, because who is going to feed him, if I don't. :D And I always think that okay, I have spent quite a lot of money, I should save some... and then I go to the store and get him the most expensive wet food, because I like to spoil him. :D

Also with eating, there is this problem that I sometimes have my daily meals set out. Like what is for lunch and what's for dinner. And then on one day I had this huge crisis, because I didn't go to the gym, but I had planned to have a bigger dinner. But my health was kind of weird and I didn't go, which caused me to feel that I need to make something else for dinner. I know it makes no sense, but that is what happens in my head. It kind of threw me off.

I talked to my friend about it and she made me have the food I had planned and it was good to beat this silly voice in my head.

But yeah, saving all the calories for the evening really makes me upset. A lot of influencers and gym people also keep talking that they save everything for the evening and it is stuck in my head.

Also, I read this book called "My shitty therapist" and there were quite a lot of other people's stories. And I thought it would me nice to share your's. So if you would like me to post about your story, please write to me via signe.kerge@gmail.com, write a comment or contact me aon Instagram. I can share it all anonymously, no problem. And your story can be about everything, you can tell me how you got a dog or something. :D Just... I have so many nice readers here and I would like to share things about you as well.

The book itself was quite okay, written with some good humor. Though it was very UK based, so it wasn't really that relatable for me. But it was a good read nevertheless. It was a nice fast read, you can just go through few pages every day or something.

Also I wanted to ask if you have ever tried a meal plan? What kind of foods do you make often? Do you feel like you are... missing out, because you have too many same things? These are the emotions I get a lot recently.

But yes. Today it is that kind of short post. I hope to write something on Friday as well, but if I don't then you should know that I am fine and I am just trying to rest. :)

 Or like, almost. :D 

This is a weird challenge and I don't know how to start writing about this. Because I really didn't plan on writing about it or sharing it, because it was just a random idea.

At the same time I thought that oh well, it doesn't matter, it is not that weird. I am not going to post naked pictures of myself or something, this I would never do (although lets be honest, who of us hasn't thought about making an OnlyFans account...).

Anyway, I saw this experiment on Youtube and even thought I didn't watch the video (I am adding this now, but I watched a little different video now, this one. :D). But anyway, the weather has just been sooooo hot and I thought I could try this. I think I started it like a month ago now, but I am not too sure. I think it is about that.

At first it was really weird and it didn't help with the heat - I was still too hot. Of course I also didn't give up my blanket, I just held it scrunched up in my sleep, because otherways I will not fall asleep. Anyway yes, I did get some sleep and I have done so for a month now. And I have a feeling that I am not going to stop any time soon, because it is actually very comfortable.

Actually I was also inspired by my relative, who always sleeps naked. :D And I have to admit, she is right - it is comfy. I don't wake up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat or something. Also sleeping naked seems to be much more popular than people think. A lot of the people have asked me how have I slept with clothes on until now. :D

I don't know, I guess first 2 weeks were kind of weird. Or like, I had to remind myself to take off my clothes. :D At the moment it is already colder outside and I have to keep a blanket on myself, especially if my windows are open. But anyway, everything feels so much softer. :D Especially if you have just taken a shower. I always wash up in the evenings, I can't imagine taking a shower in the morning. I guess it would wake me up more, but I would constantly think that oh no, I am going to be late for work or something. I always have to check the time and I need to have enough time to get ready, because if I don't, I get annoyed, hurry a bit too much, forget things or make mistakes.

To be honest there isn't much to write on this topic, I just did it, haha. :D At the same time I have also been back home at my parents' place and slept there. And then I have felt like I should still keep my clothes on. Even though I didn't do it in the end - it was 33 degrees and I have my own room there. But when I am visiting someone, I will definitely not sleep naked. xD At home I even wondered like what does my cat think about it, but luckily there isn't anyone else to stare at me.

When I get up and make myself coffee and food, I of course put clothes back on. I feel a bit chilly when I get up and it is kind of annoying, because...

I don't like my body. Especially lately, it is so annoying and I am always bothered, my weight has gone up and my body parts are just thicker. I have a bloated belly etc. Like yesterday I also came to work with pretty tight clothes, it sounded like a good idea at home. But when I was at the office and passed a mirror, I just wanted to start crying, because I just felt awful about myself. Today I made a better decision and wore a loose hoodie and jeans, it is also kind of cold outside and we don't have any meetings today. Also, I am almost the only person at the office as well.

In general past few days have been kind of bad. I just feel disgusting and I literally want to throw up at the thought of myself. Everything seems so awful and pointless and I want to ignore everyone, I just want to be alone and not do anything. Well, I would like to go to the gym and take walks, but I just can't find motivation to talk to people. It is my last day before vacation today and even this does not bring any positivity into my life, because I have plans already and... just let me BE. Like with the last vacation, everything is planned ahead, what to do with who and when etc. But I just want a free day for myself. :D Sorry for being like this, I just can't help it. Also with the plans comes eating and I don't want that. I would like to tell people that yes let's do something together but I don't want it to involve food. I want to eat alone and be by myself. I know social eating is okay and nice, but I just can't handle it at the moment. It seems too much, everything seems too much at the moment and I can't deal with the information that is coming from everywhere. I just wan't to switch off for a second. I KNOW that when the time comes I will enjoy these moments and it is not going to be as bad as it seems, but just... it is difficult. It is so fucking difficult. Instead of only affecting my guilt, eating has control over every emotion I have. I don't understand why it isn't becoming easier. I am always annoyed when I am eating with someone, I am thinking about what I have had the wgole day and I just can't stand it. Even in my last post, where I wrote about my perfect day, during the Queen's concert I just kept thinking about the meal and fact that I can't have anything and home now. I would just like to knock myself out for a while.

Also on Monday after work we went to spa with my sister and her friend. It was quite nice, if I didn't get a terrible stomach ache. It kept getting worse and worse, even though I took some meds. After 1,5 hours I just went home, because I felt super sick.

I managed to take a shower and get dressed and then I really thought that I can't do it. I wanted to say the workers there to call me an ambulance, because I thought I was going to die. Instead I still walked home, trying not to puke and I was crouching over all the way, it was the only way I could move a little. I am glad I live so close to this spa, because I wouldn't have made it home otherways.

I got into bed and for 45 minutes I was in true agony and I really didn't know what to do. Honestly, I don't think I have ever been in so much pain and I have no idea why it happened. Next day I fel better, but still not 100%, so I skipped gym and everything, went home and rested. Even though I felt guilty, because it was a free evening and I didn't do anything. :S

But spa itself was nice! A lot of saunas, warm water etc. I would have liked to be there for longer, because I didn't even try out everything, but yeah, I felt so awful I couldn't do it. I really liked Japanese onsen, because in Japan we also went there. And it is so weird that the water is so warm you actually get super hot sitting in it. :D Which is nice, is that they had free drinking water available all the time, this is the first spa that has it, or at least where I have seen it.

Anyway, this was weird pain and I hope I won't get it again. I am thinking that it would have been nice if my period started, but yeah. Not looking forward to cramps either. :D

I have my next psychologist appointment on 12th of August, because I have a vacation and then she is resting as well. Yesterday I felt that I REALLY need to talk to her, but I couldn't. Just yeah, not feeling my best at the moment.

I would like to go out for more runs, but I also like working on the equipment at the gym. And I just don't have time for both things. I am always walking around a lot, I love going to the stores and just look around and I get home quite late due to this. Then around 6 I usually go to the gym and I usually do 45 minutes on the machine and 15 minutes on the stair master. And then it is already past 7 when I go home, but then I want to instantly eat dinner. But I need to go home, shower, cook etc and then I don't really have time for running. :( I should proabably do one day running, one day gym or something? I don't know, I still haven't found my running motivation to be honest, everything is so difficult constantly.

But anyway, I will try to complete some urgent things at work and then enjoy my vacation, as much as I can. Today at 9 they also show the opening ceremony for Olympic Games again, I am thinking that I will make some tea and watch this. Maybe I will go for a little run as well. I went to the gym yesterday and my muscles are really sore, so I can't work on the machines I think, so maybe I will focus on running today. :)

I have a feeling that all of the internet is full of videos and posts about "my morning routine", "my perfect day", "how to be THAT girl" etc. Usually they start with waking up at 5-6-7, then I worked out, then I had breakfast, meditated, did my make up, worked, took a bath, journaled, wrote down stuff I am grateful for, did my skin care routine and went back to bed.

I wondered what would my perfect day be like and I think my Saturday was quite like it.

Actually I also wanted to mention that the day is not bad, if something doesn't go well in the morning. Like Friday for me was awful. I was so tired and annoyed and work was also super tough. I thought that I really didn't want to do anything or go anywhere, but I had already promised to my sister and her friend that I will go to Maritime Days with them, so this is where I headed after work. I didn't know where exactly we were supposed to meet, so it took me quite a while to find them.

Then I thought that there is another catastrophe - the only thing I get to eat is fries with salad, if that. I quite like fries to be honest, but I also wanted something else and something more exciting. We looked around for food and found a place named Kausik, where I took salmon bowl with rice and other kind of good stuff. And it was really tasty! Even though I felt really guilty after having it. I ate dinner earlier than normally; I wanted my OWN food; there was A LOT of sauce (which was amazing, of course); I wanted to snack on something later, because I knew I would get hungry; I ate too fast etc etc. It kept going around around in my head, I just would have liked to blow my head off.

On some days, things are really simple. Like the last few times I have eaten out. At Chakra, Jahu and Ancho etc. I haven't felt like I shouldn't and I haven't had much guilt, but now this bowl of healthy food tjust upset me?! I just don't understand my brain.

Then we had mojitos, I took the one with kiwi! It was also very good. Then around 8, a band from Italy performed Queen's songs, which was awesome. 1,5 hours passed super fast and by the time we headed home, my mood had gone from 1 to 8. It was fun. You gotta live. Even though there were still some ED thoughts it my head, which is why I can't say my mood was 10.

Saturday for me started quite late, I got out of bed at 10. Then I made some breakfast and a huge mug of coffee with chocolate milk and sat in front of my computer/laptop to enjoy my evening. No waking up at 7, no meditating or journaling, but it was exactly what I needed.

Around 12 I went to the gym. I really wasn't in the mood to go. Even when I was at the dressing room, I thought that I didn't want to go and wanted to go back home. But then I found some motivation and started doing my normal stuff and I worked out for 1,5 hours? I think something like this. And I felt really good and motivated and had a lot of energy (probably because I had eaten properly the previous day and also snacked on something at home still!).

After this I went to my sister's place, because she literally lives 2 minutes away and she had some things to give to me. So I got checked out another thing for my perfect day - meeting a friend or a relative.

I went back home, took a shower and had some lunch. I wondered what to do with the rest of my day, and decided to go to some stores. Besides it was super hot in the flat and even in the news they suggested people to go to stores, haha. :D So that's what I did. When I walked to the shopping center, I literally talked to my mum for an hour. She was at the beach and said she was boted anyway, so we took this chance to catch up. I would have liked to be with her at the seaside, she even stayed the night in a tent. I don't remember the last time I did that. Anyway, we have this habit of calling each other on Saturdays and talk about everything. It is really nice ritual, but sometimes we don't really have anything to talk about too. :D So this is why we talked about what and how much Motu eats, for example. XD 

Anyway, I went to some stores, but didn't find anything too good. I got new pair of running shoes though, so that is at least something. Then I got some food bits and headed back home. Being motivated from my day, and kind of wanting to live on the trend of a perfect day, I read a book. Then I cooked, watched TV, ate a lot of snacks and enjoyed my evening. I went to bed quite rearly, because... I don't even know. I didn't really have anything to do, I was sleepy as well. Usually when I go to work by bus, I often fall asleep for a few seconds, so I guess I needed some rest. :D 

It was simple and nice day, perfect for me. It was unusual in a sense that I went to the gym in the morning. Or okay, during lunch. But usually I go after 5pm, this on the weekends as well. But it was really pleasant, there weren't many people present and I didn't have to wait to use the equipment. At home the shower was also much needed, because it was so frigging hot on that day. :D

Anyway, things that I have seen in perfect day videos or posts:

• waking up early
• workouts
• breakfast
• meditation
• journaling
• doing make up
• time with friends
• having lunch in a cafe
• watching a movie/reading/other hobbies
• dinner
• skin care routine
• bath
• watching a TV show
• going to sleep

And what belongs into my perfect day:

• sleeping in for a change
• breakfast
• workouts
• shower
• lunch
• time with friends (I really miss my best friend, I haven't seen her in a while)
• walking/shopping/reading/other hobbies
• dinner
• going to bed early

Nothing too exciting. Just a regular day. And thinking about this I think that... every day can be perfect. I don't have to follow all of the things written down here, but if I manage at least some, it will bring me closer to a nice day.

Oeh, I have a feeling that this post is really pointless. I don't know, when I thought about writing this, I was like oh, it is such a good idea, but now... I don't even know. Anyway, in general I want to say that no one's life is perfect and I don't think people do these things every day. Of course I picked a day off as well, otherways I would have put work in there as well. Only people who are full time influencers have time to do those things. :D I know that what people show in blogs/vlogs/instagram etc is just a small part of life, but sometimes it still makes me feel bad. Like why don't I work harder and why am I so pointless? :D But yeah, I don't think people's days are like this all the time, it doesn't matter what they try to show. :D 

Actually it would be cool to follow someone famous' morning routine or something, but all the videos I have watched... everyone start their morning at like 3 am and thank you, but no. :D I like getting up early, but this is not reasonable. Even these 5 am morning routines sound so fake. :D

What would you have in your perfect day?

Now when I am thinking about it, I would add some more things in. Like I have a dream of eating out 3 times a day. Sit in a cafe in the morning, have a coffee and cinnamon roll, then for lunch have a vegan daily offer and then in the evening going to a restaurant with someone. This would be perfect, but expensive. When I feel better money-wise, I shall do this challenge, though.

For a long time, I have been wanting to start a post by saying I have some news! And finally I can do this. I got into the university. Master's of law. I really didn't expect this, because I thought I failed the test and the interview was also super short, it was difficult to imagine a good outcome. But ha, I go in! The results weren't supposed to come out for a few days, but I checked and they were there. It was such a nice surprise. :D So starting from the fall, I will be a student again and I can use student discounts and all this, so much fun. Also it is the time where I really need to buy a new computer, but this will be super difficult, I know nothing about technology. (I have a computer by now, this post is just very late, sorry guys~!)

On Tuesday I got my second dose of vaccine and after this I went to the Pikakari beach with a friend, we swam a little and then went to eat in a Mexican place called Ancho . It was nice and all, but I got too full. And I took enchiladas with beans, at first they brought me a version with meat. It was not very nice. And I only discovered it after I took a few bites already. Of course they apologized a lot and they gave me a drink for free, but still... it was quite awful. :D I don't think I ate meat, though, because I tried other things on the plate first and my friend asked what was inside the enchiladas and then we discovered it. Food in general was kind of average, nothing too special. We also got jalapenos with cheese, but they were probably from a can and had this marinated tasted. Anyway - I wouldn't go again, but it was still nice to try it. Also, if I hadn't tested it, I wouldn't know if I would like that. I didn't let these wasting calories thoughts to come.

At the beach we also had ice cream, it was so nice. We just sat on a towel and enjoyed some breeze and the sun, ate this and talked. Anyway, it was a really pleasant Tuesday. :D

On Wednesday morning when I woke up, I felt like I had been run over by a train. Probably by the vaccine. Or like I had a really bad hangover. Firstly, I was so tired that my alarm had been going for 20 minutes before I opened my eyes. I had a dream my coworker called me and I didn't want to answer, so I didn't understand this was actually my alarm. :D Even though my alarm and ringtone aren't even the same.

And my whole body hurt in general. I felt really weak. I actually wanted to go to them gym as well, but I just knew I had to give myself some rest and this is what I did, even though I did feel a bit guilty. Free evening and I am doing nothing? I haven't been to the gym in a while? All this regular self-talk. As my weight has yet again gone up by 2 kgs, it is especially difficult to deal with it. This also didn't help me when someone I knew started randomly telling me a story about their weight loss. I have also told them several times that this irritates me and I don't want to talk about these topics etc. I know this my my own error and I should be over it already, but it still makes me feel awful and I feel like you don't care abou me if you don't respect this? I have not commented on it much, but I just... don't want to deal with these kind of people. :)

But for the challenge, I wanted to eat packaged foods only. I know food that you have cooked is much better for you, but I thought I would try this, because it can't be that bad.

I set out the menu a while ago already, because I have been planning this for a long time already. But there has been so many events and stuff where I have eaten out. It would be weird to take a prepackaged salad out in a restaurant or at someone's place, instead of having what a friend has made or ordering something from a menu.

But anyway, I finally tackled this challenge.

Breakfast

I know, I know, it is nothing special. At first I wanted to take rice porridge, but I ended up with semolina one and I just was so pleased. I make semolina porridge very rarely, so this was a good change. :D

I served it with 150 grams of frozen blueberries and some Biscoff, because this combo is heavenly. I was a bit doubtful of the Biscoff at first, but it was super good together. :D It was sweet enough and just nice. I heated it up in the microwave, because no one eats cold porridghe (though I probably would, I just love porridge, to be honest). :D Anyway, it was beautiful and a little bit different start to the morning. Even when I was in bed, I thought that oh man, I am too lazy to make my oatmeal, but then I remembered today was the challenge day and it was fine.

I of course also had a coffee, but I didn't buy a premade one. :D Actually I wasn't even hungry in the morning, because I had some potato salad last night where I added literally half a kilo of potatoes, and then I also downed some watermelon. I felt like I was going to explode, but it was all so tasty I couldn't hold myself back. In the evenings I have a bottomless pit instead of a stomach, I don't understand. In the morning and during lunch I am fine with less food, but in the evenings I could just eat and eat. It really annoys me that I don't even know what a normal portion of food is, and also the fact that I am never full. I have thought about making more calorie tense less volume foods, but I just want to eat for a long period of time.

Anyway yes, I already have an idea for my lunch, I hope it is available in the store. Yesterday I saw it, but I didn't buy it in advance. If there aren't any left, I just need to figure out something else, so I am hoping for the best. :D

And also I wanted to get several desserts as the evening snacks and enjoy them throughout the day, but I think I will be having all of them in the evening. Because of me and my appetite. I still need to get a few things from the store, I hope they haven't run out of the items. I didn't want to go to the store yesterday as I felt really weird from the vaccine. But today after work and before gym I can go and get some stuff.

Lunch

For lunch I had this prepackaged tofu-glass noodle dish, which was pretty good. It could have done with more sauce and salt, but it was fine. Also it was completely vegan! In addition to this, it was maybe a little small, but worked out fine. This is really different from my regular routine, so it caused some stress, but oh well, I managed and I am still alive.

The price was quite high, almost three euros. So I wouldn't get it again, but it was worth to try. I think I should make something similar to take to work with me, I would save some money and also I have nothing against eating same food for lunches. Still at bit weird with dinners.

Today after work I would like to go to the gym as well, I let myself rest yesterday. But we shall see how this goes. I don't want to make it into an obligation, if I don't feel like it or if I don't have the time, that is fine. :D But I can't go tomorrow, because we are going to Maritime Days with my sister and her friend. I think it will be fun though, last time it was. I probably will only go on Friday, though it lasts throughout the weekend. :D

Dinner

For dinner, I don't know, why, but I felt like shrimps. And then I took some prepackaged bowl with them. Again, the price was really high and not worth it, but at least it did taste good. I added some salt and the dressing it came with, and it went down a treat. But I ate really fast, because I was super hungry by that time, so I can't really talk about enjoying it much. Also it had too much corn, which was super sweet. I generally like corn, but not that amount. But all in all it was pretty good. :D

In general, prepackaged food is not bad. I think in Estonian stores, you can make some really healthy picks, can't say anything bad about it. Of course there are unhealthy things, but mostly these are with meat, which I don't eat. I am still traumatized from going to this Mexican place, haha. :D But it happens, no worries.

Dessert

For dessert I actually had two things. I finally tried this farmer's vanilla pudding, which was fine. Not my favourite and I would probably not get it again, but it was quite nice still. I had it with strawberries, my friend mentioned that she had that kind of combo and it was good. Yes, it was indeed.

Then for the second thing I finally got my hands on this chocolate-coconut curd cream. It was quite nice, but could have been more chocolate-y and coconut-ey, but oh well. :D I think I prefer my style of curd cream dessert bowls with frozen fruit and berries and some granola or cereal. But I am glad I finally found this in the store and got to try it.

This day didn't leave me hungry at all, quite the opposite. I would gladly have all of these things again, but it is quite a waste of money, because you can make the same things so much cheaper. At least the salads and bowls and porridge. The dessert was most worth it, I would say.

It was good, because I didn't really have to make anything myself or think about what to make. It always takes me a long time to make up my mind in the store, I could walk around for an hour, I am not kidding. Also, I did go to the gym yesterday and it was good I didn't have to spend time on making food after that.

So now it is Friday and I am going to the Maritime Days with my sister and her friend. I didn't really find any info on who offers what food there, but I hope I will find something.

Lately I am so freaking sleepy all the time. It is normal for me to nod off when I am on the bus to work. Luckily I haven't missed my stop, yet. Anyway, I can't wait to go to sleep. Today I feel like my coffee needs coffee. :D

Which was surprising though, is that the small store near my work has quite a good selection of food, if you need something premade. I usually make a salad from the buffee or I pick a vegan wrap though, so it was nice to try something different for a change. My weight, well, is higher, but this is not the result of this one day of eating packaged foods. Also on Friday morning I had my normal porridge, for lunch I am going to have another wrap again and for dinner I will eat at the Maritime Days. It is nice maybe, that my weight is higher, so I can challenge not going back to my old routine and don't want to leave early to get home and have something I make. I can manage this.

My head is completely empty from challenges now, I have NO IDEA what I will write about on Monday. Also, today and next week to go and then I have a VACATION. It will only be two weeks, but hey, it is still something.

We plan to go to Taevaskoda and also to the Peipsi lake - with this, I also wanted to ask, are there any vegan/vegetarian places? I didn't really find any myself, but oh well. Worst case scenario is that I need to pop by a normal supermarket.

But now I have to start working in order for the weekend to arrive and then I can finally enjoy life!

I don't know why, but recently I feel realli anxious. This panic in Tartu and now during Midsummer's day... I feel like I need to do something about it.

Like on one day I wanted to go to the gym. I got home, stopped by the store on the way and all, and then I figured I would go and spend like half an hour at the gym, doing something on the machines and firgure out some dumbbell stuff, because it was quite later and I would want to come home soon.

And then when I left home, it started. This weird feeling. I worried that there was going to be a fire at home. And like, I don't know, it was so random. Then on the way to the gym I even thought about turning around and going back home to check. Which I didn't do in the end. As soon as I got to the gym, this weeling becaome worse and I really thought something had happened at home. I even checked the news on my phone to see if there was a fire reported???? So weord. I tried to talk myself out of going home and even sent a message to my sister, but nothing helped. So in the end I went back home after 15 minutes spent at the gym. And OF COURSE everything was fine at home!

I felt really bad, because I really would have liked to work out some more, I just had so much good energy and all. I felt like I wanted to cry and my head was spinning, I just felt so disgustingly awful. And even when I got home, I didn't really calm down, I was just upset at myself then. Because I was in panic for no reason at all and I wasted so much time. -.-

I have had this weird panic since the fire safety lecture at work. I mentioned this in one of my earlier posts as well. But yeah, at one point I was over it, but now it is back. Even going to the store for a second stresses me out a lot.

I have a psychologist appointment soon, so I will probably talk about this. I will see if my psychiatrist is also around, I would like to talk to him about my meds and stuff. The dosage and everything is in question. I guess he will say I will never be free of them, but I want to know his thoughts on the topic. He usually just prescribes meds for half a year and that's that. :D Which is like, yeah, cool, but does it really help me?

I will try and calm down, at the moment I feel a bit worried about my flat still. Even thought I KNOW nithing bad can happen. I checked the stove for 10 times, I locked all the doors and windows, but there is still some anxiety. It is just so weird, because usually my anxiety is food or health based, but now it is about being away from home. :S I just don't know what to do with it.

Today there is also some added stress as I have yet again gained some weight. A lot, actually. More than it seems possible. And then I feel really uncomfortables, my thighs get on my nerves and I HATE when they rub agains each other. At the moment I am just thinking about wanting to DIE. But like, I am not going to do anything about my weight. I just love food too much.

At work on another day we had a two kinds of cake, it was hard. More difficult than usually, probably because of my weight in the morning. And I can't walk today, I have to go straight home, because my sister and her friend are coming over to see if they would like any of my clothes I don't wear anymore.

And tomorrow I am busy, we are going to a friend's place to chill with people. Then I also have something on Friday, plans for Saturday, not to mention Sunday. My social calendar is too full, I feel like I am going to explode. I need some time for myself. But at the same time I don't want to cancel anything, because who knows when I will have another opportunity to do those things? Probably not for a while, if not ever. Or I will be actually busy on another time. Like next weekend we are celebrating my Grandma's birthday, then I won't be in Tallinn at all. So yeah, I need to use all the opportunities I have been given. But it is just SO-SSOOOO difficult!

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My psychologist taught me some breathing exercises and some thinking frames to follow when I feel panic-y or anxious. I think that I won't remember whem when I need them, but at least I know there is something I can probably do. I think that it would be good to experience this panic now, then I could practice or something. :D Though I don't think it is wise to hope that, as I don't want to feel bad.

Anyway, yesterday at friend's place, it was super nice. I felt really down all day, but this gave me new energy.

There has been many things going on while I have written this post, like this was on Grandma's birtdhay. I also baked two big kringels, one cheesy one and one cranberry-marzipan one.

And of course I overate. And I drank too much. And in general, it is difficult to live. But at the same time I was sure I was going to have a lot of panic the next day. Because I usually do, I have this ovewhelming anxiety after a party, and I was prepared for it, which is why I probably didn't have it as much. On Sunday moring I felt a little anxious still, but not as much as has happened before. And this small anxiety also passed quite fast, it was so amazing. I didn't have to cry and whinge about feeling so bad, I managed it all on my own.

On the next day we also went back to my Grandma's place, we sat outside and had some leftovers. I tried Marta Pagar's vegan shaslik, but I will write about it on the review post.

We had so many cakes, thus I had four. And some more kringel. At night when we got home from Viljandi, I felt like I really couldn't eat anything, but I still did it. And today morning my weight had gone up a lot. Anyway, I had a proper breakfast and I wasn't really bothered. I think I will remember it at one point during the day and get all the nasty emotions with it, but at least today morning I just shrugged and thought it didn't matter?! It was really stange. :D Especially as I had just complained to a friend about feeling guilty and these feelings never leaving me.

I just think that after all kinds of events I shouldn't really weigh myself. Because I just make myself upset. But I am curious at the same time...

Aaa, also when I left my Grandma's, then my aunt and someone else told me I should still gain a couple of kilos. And then I said that I am having a pint of ice cream every night, to which they said that this is already unhealthy. Thanks.

Actually I am not angry, it doesn't affect me as much any more. At the time it is maybe difficult to hear, but I know people don't mean things in a bad way and sometimes they are trying to make jokes.

Also I have been really bothered before, when my Grandma has commented on my weight. She usually says something like "you have gotten so big" or something, but this time she just said that I look so much better and this comment was so sweet.

She also received the card I sent her and said I never fail to surprise her, hehe. It was so sweet and I love sending her things sometimes.

I took a really easy day yesterday, I think I walked about 2000 steps maxiumum, but I wasn't bothered by it. I was just tired and thought that I didn't really feel like going for a walk. And past two days I also haven't done almost any walking, so it is good I had just challenged this not walking for a day.

I would like to go to the gym today, but honestly I don't know if I have time. I have a thought, but I shall see when I a m getting home etc. I don't know what to make for dinner either. I don't know if I want anything sweet or savoury. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should have porridge three times a day again, because this would be so good. :D Also yesterday I wrote to my sister when I was going to a store, asking what the heck should I make. And then I told her, I would like a porridge, to be honest, haha. :D

But yeah, I don't know what to do with this panic and anxiety. Should I look into it more and maybe ask for extra meds? Because these few times when I was in Tartu and also after Midsummer's, I have been too anxious and it has been pretty awful. And when I get this panic attack at work, it is extra bad. Yes, breathing is nice and all, but it just doesn't cut it.

How do you deal with bad thoughts?

Are you a breather, or do you use any other helpful tips?

What the heck should I make for dinner?

Also on Friday I am finally planning to have food related challenge, but it may still change. :D I just have an idea, maybe I can actually do it at some point, too.