I Won't Quote

I don't know why, but recently I feel realli anxious. This panic in Tartu and now during Midsummer's day... I feel like I need to do something about it.

Like on one day I wanted to go to the gym. I got home, stopped by the store on the way and all, and then I figured I would go and spend like half an hour at the gym, doing something on the machines and firgure out some dumbbell stuff, because it was quite later and I would want to come home soon.

And then when I left home, it started. This weird feeling. I worried that there was going to be a fire at home. And like, I don't know, it was so random. Then on the way to the gym I even thought about turning around and going back home to check. Which I didn't do in the end. As soon as I got to the gym, this weeling becaome worse and I really thought something had happened at home. I even checked the news on my phone to see if there was a fire reported???? So weord. I tried to talk myself out of going home and even sent a message to my sister, but nothing helped. So in the end I went back home after 15 minutes spent at the gym. And OF COURSE everything was fine at home!

I felt really bad, because I really would have liked to work out some more, I just had so much good energy and all. I felt like I wanted to cry and my head was spinning, I just felt so disgustingly awful. And even when I got home, I didn't really calm down, I was just upset at myself then. Because I was in panic for no reason at all and I wasted so much time. -.-

I have had this weird panic since the fire safety lecture at work. I mentioned this in one of my earlier posts as well. But yeah, at one point I was over it, but now it is back. Even going to the store for a second stresses me out a lot.

I have a psychologist appointment soon, so I will probably talk about this. I will see if my psychiatrist is also around, I would like to talk to him about my meds and stuff. The dosage and everything is in question. I guess he will say I will never be free of them, but I want to know his thoughts on the topic. He usually just prescribes meds for half a year and that's that. :D Which is like, yeah, cool, but does it really help me?

I will try and calm down, at the moment I feel a bit worried about my flat still. Even thought I KNOW nithing bad can happen. I checked the stove for 10 times, I locked all the doors and windows, but there is still some anxiety. It is just so weird, because usually my anxiety is food or health based, but now it is about being away from home. :S I just don't know what to do with it.

Today there is also some added stress as I have yet again gained some weight. A lot, actually. More than it seems possible. And then I feel really uncomfortables, my thighs get on my nerves and I HATE when they rub agains each other. At the moment I am just thinking about wanting to DIE. But like, I am not going to do anything about my weight. I just love food too much.

At work on another day we had a two kinds of cake, it was hard. More difficult than usually, probably because of my weight in the morning. And I can't walk today, I have to go straight home, because my sister and her friend are coming over to see if they would like any of my clothes I don't wear anymore.

And tomorrow I am busy, we are going to a friend's place to chill with people. Then I also have something on Friday, plans for Saturday, not to mention Sunday. My social calendar is too full, I feel like I am going to explode. I need some time for myself. But at the same time I don't want to cancel anything, because who knows when I will have another opportunity to do those things? Probably not for a while, if not ever. Or I will be actually busy on another time. Like next weekend we are celebrating my Grandma's birthday, then I won't be in Tallinn at all. So yeah, I need to use all the opportunities I have been given. But it is just SO-SSOOOO difficult!

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My psychologist taught me some breathing exercises and some thinking frames to follow when I feel panic-y or anxious. I think that I won't remember whem when I need them, but at least I know there is something I can probably do. I think that it would be good to experience this panic now, then I could practice or something. :D Though I don't think it is wise to hope that, as I don't want to feel bad.

Anyway, yesterday at friend's place, it was super nice. I felt really down all day, but this gave me new energy.

There has been many things going on while I have written this post, like this was on Grandma's birtdhay. I also baked two big kringels, one cheesy one and one cranberry-marzipan one.

And of course I overate. And I drank too much. And in general, it is difficult to live. But at the same time I was sure I was going to have a lot of panic the next day. Because I usually do, I have this ovewhelming anxiety after a party, and I was prepared for it, which is why I probably didn't have it as much. On Sunday moring I felt a little anxious still, but not as much as has happened before. And this small anxiety also passed quite fast, it was so amazing. I didn't have to cry and whinge about feeling so bad, I managed it all on my own.

On the next day we also went back to my Grandma's place, we sat outside and had some leftovers. I tried Marta Pagar's vegan shaslik, but I will write about it on the review post.

We had so many cakes, thus I had four. And some more kringel. At night when we got home from Viljandi, I felt like I really couldn't eat anything, but I still did it. And today morning my weight had gone up a lot. Anyway, I had a proper breakfast and I wasn't really bothered. I think I will remember it at one point during the day and get all the nasty emotions with it, but at least today morning I just shrugged and thought it didn't matter?! It was really stange. :D Especially as I had just complained to a friend about feeling guilty and these feelings never leaving me.

I just think that after all kinds of events I shouldn't really weigh myself. Because I just make myself upset. But I am curious at the same time...

Aaa, also when I left my Grandma's, then my aunt and someone else told me I should still gain a couple of kilos. And then I said that I am having a pint of ice cream every night, to which they said that this is already unhealthy. Thanks.

Actually I am not angry, it doesn't affect me as much any more. At the time it is maybe difficult to hear, but I know people don't mean things in a bad way and sometimes they are trying to make jokes.

Also I have been really bothered before, when my Grandma has commented on my weight. She usually says something like "you have gotten so big" or something, but this time she just said that I look so much better and this comment was so sweet.

She also received the card I sent her and said I never fail to surprise her, hehe. It was so sweet and I love sending her things sometimes.

I took a really easy day yesterday, I think I walked about 2000 steps maxiumum, but I wasn't bothered by it. I was just tired and thought that I didn't really feel like going for a walk. And past two days I also haven't done almost any walking, so it is good I had just challenged this not walking for a day.

I would like to go to the gym today, but honestly I don't know if I have time. I have a thought, but I shall see when I a m getting home etc. I don't know what to make for dinner either. I don't know if I want anything sweet or savoury. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should have porridge three times a day again, because this would be so good. :D Also yesterday I wrote to my sister when I was going to a store, asking what the heck should I make. And then I told her, I would like a porridge, to be honest, haha. :D

But yeah, I don't know what to do with this panic and anxiety. Should I look into it more and maybe ask for extra meds? Because these few times when I was in Tartu and also after Midsummer's, I have been too anxious and it has been pretty awful. And when I get this panic attack at work, it is extra bad. Yes, breathing is nice and all, but it just doesn't cut it.

How do you deal with bad thoughts?

Are you a breather, or do you use any other helpful tips?

What the heck should I make for dinner?

Also on Friday I am finally planning to have food related challenge, but it may still change. :D I just have an idea, maybe I can actually do it at some point, too.

Hey there.

I hate you. I used to love you. Or I mixed them up. And I still don't know if hating you is real, maybe there is still some part of me that loves and misses you. Because sometimes I feel like there is. It is like on a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down. You were such a huge part of my life, my every day, my thoughts, my opinions etc. You changed my mood however you wanted and you made me do things I never thought I would.

You ruined my relationships with my friends, family and other people. You kept me in prison, you didn't let me enjoy things, you didn't want mi to live. And I was okay with it. Oh, I was. I liked being alone, do my own thing and have a competition with myself.

I didn't want to get better. For a long time. I kept thinking that I have to keep going, need to lose more weight, need to feel hunger for one more day, restrict for another day. It was an addiction. I am thinking that... people who are in a violent relationship often don't leave. I was the same with you. I held you close with my teeth and nails. You were such a big part of me and my identity. Well, you are me, but you are the awful, freaky part which I don't want.

I don't know how you came to be, what made you appear and why did you stay for so long. You were a goal to try and reach. You were a challenge before I started this blog and when I didn't know there are all kinds of challenges I could do instead. You were and obsession, my own dark cloud over my head.

I remember these times at the hospital when I cried at the doctor's office and repeated that I don't want to change, I don't want to get better, I want to run back to you. I knew that things will be "right" again, as soon as I got out the hospital. I read the days and hours and minutes until I could regain the control. And then I made it there, everything continued the exact same way as before hospital.

But in reality the control wasn't in my hands, was it? It was on you. I was on autopilot and I let you whisper into my ear about what to do, how to be, who to talk to, how to behave.

You made me lie to people. After the hospital, I told my mum my weight every Monday and Thursday. And I always lied it to be 100 grams more. Me weight went up. But when I visited my parents and they saw me, they understood that I had been lying. My best friend also saw it, but she never said anything, she only asked how I am doing sometimes. It was the best she could do. Because if she had forced me or told me face to face what is happening, I would have probably gotten even worse.

At the hospital you made me hide food. All the packs of butter I hid into the tissues. All the extra things I needed to have and made me super upset. When I went to "meet a friend", in reality I jast RAN to the store, looked at some food and wen't back. You made me do pushups on the toilet, run on the spot, do jumping jacks. You never let me just sit down. Like, I kept shaking my knees, because I thought it would burn a few more calories. So stupid. It is absurd.

You made me cry and feel shit about myself, die over guilt. You didn't let me have a candy - in fact, you made it into a drama and reminded me this for days and days.

You ruined my health. You broke my hair and nails, turned my skin blue and made me have osteopenia, not to mention all the other things.

You made me only think of one thing. Food. Cooking. Calories.

I want to let go. Of you. I want to let your go. But at the same time I don't want you to catch a new victim. I want to wave at you and know you are never coming back.

I am better now. A lot better. Both mentally and physically. But I am not completely healed. I am addicted to food, I still keep thinking about it most of the time. I make myself walk for thousands steps every day. Just to make what is left of you happy. I want to rest, sit, sleep, feel myself better and confident and now be afraid of weighing myself in the mornings, because maybe I have gained a few hundred grams. And I don't want this to make me feel bad.

You are still in my head, my mind, my thoughts. And I don't know if I will get rid of you completely one day. I have a feeling that probably not. On some days I feel fine, but then you trash my head again, poisoning my brain and forcing my body.

But what I wanted to tell you...

It is not about me. It is you.

Goodbye.

I would like to mention that my computer doesn't really work at the moment and I can't be sure I post on Friday. I don't know what is wrong with it, but it is very annoying. So I guess I am doing a challenge about not using the computer. :D

Actually I do have an idea for the next post, but it depends if I can write it or not.

With not having my laptop, I have gotten into watching Tiktoks. I didn't use tha app at all, but now I open in constantly throughout the day. And I laugh at the clips. LAUGH! I giggle at some of the videos and it is so surprising, because mainly I feel nothing and it is weird. But sometimes I do get other emotions through this haze. They are not always positice, but at least I feel SOMETHING.

On the weekend I had my birthday party with friends and it was really nice. Everyone who came were really important to me and I felt at ease and peaceful, because we just were and talked and enjoyed the evening.

I had a huge binge and now, even two days later, I still feel bad (also not only mentally, bysically as well). But as before, I am sure I will get over it. Last time I went to see my psychologist she asked what I do when I really feel baf. And I just said that I keep thinking that I have gotten over similar things previously and this gives me hope that it will pass this time as well. Yes, I will probably feel bad for a few more days, but it WILL pass. Sometimes when everything is shit, I keep repeating to myself that at SOME point it should start getting better?! And if it doesn't... well, we will deal with it then.

Avtually I wanted to write even longer letter, because I have so many thoughts in my head, but I also wanted to keep it short and sweet. I didn't feel like writing down my whole life story. I have done it enough here. :D But yeah, these are the last words to my eating disorder. Some part of it is still there and will probably stay with my always, but mostly I consider myself healed. If I don't develope a binge eating disorder, which is also concern to my psychologist... but well, we will deal with it when time comes as well.

I am trying to remember good moments from Saturday and Sunday and hope it helps. I don't know... thoughts to have some strength. I have told myself nice things as well, like I mentioned in my previous post. And it becomes easier and easier every day, I don't even have to remind myself to tell myself nice things, it is automatic. Even if I don't believe the things, I think it affects me on some level. At least I hope so, hehe. Worth a shot.

This week we have Eurovision, are you going to watch it as well? I will. I have a TV this year too, I don't have to watch it from YouTuvbe or something, I can properly enjoy it! And then for the final I will go to my sister's with a friend and we will have a small party... every weekend is becoming a cheat day, haha. :D But at the same time I still am doing well during the week as well, I eat properly, though it is difficult. Like before my birthday it was really tough - do I eat in the morning and during lunch? But I was good and did it.

I have gained a lot of weight and now I can say I am over the 50 kg mark. So yeah, in a little bit I will be at the normal weight! And even though my commentator said that I should reach around 61, my doctors are saying that maximum should be 55. Thich kind of sucks and it is difficult and annoying and makes me stressed and feel awful. I would write more about it, but I am just so confused.

In general I feel a bit lost at the moment. I don't have a goal, something to reach for. Yeah, I would like to go back to school, but I need something... I don't know, more personal? So I am working towards findings something. We shall see how this goes. I will try to spend more time with myself this week and try to figure stuff out. I just... would like to turn a corner and have myself pulled into a fantasy world, where I could be an awesome warrior or something. :D

This year my birthday was on Thursdau, which meant that on Wednesday evening I had to bake a lot. I am starting this post on Wednesday, by the way.

Anyway, I had a plan of going home and then preparing for the next day. I made this cheese stritzel. I always make it with melted cheese and grated cheese and everyone have always loved it.

I hope that it will go fine this time as well, because I haven't used the gas oven to make it previously... I think I just need to check it more often or something. Hopefully I can do it. I also thought about going to my sister's place to prepare them and I still need to make a cake as well and it would have taken so much time. I will stay at home and try and make the things. I would really like to do some STUDYING as well, as I have neglected it recently.

For the cake, I am making one with curd cream and cream cheese. I have made it many times previously and everyone have always loved this as well. :) I hope my oven is fine with it. I got some new coconut flavoured cookies as the base and instead of blueberries I will make it with strawberries.

Yesterday at the store... it was a struggle, I needed to get so many things. :D

Unbelievable, I am getting a year older. Honestly I don't feel like I have changed at all since I was like 16, everything seems the same. :D I don't know, I wouldn't say I have also accomplished anything, even though I have almost gotten rid of my eating disorder, so maybe...

I just randomly remembered I started listening to The Hilarious World of Depression and it is really good. At least the part I have gotten through at the moment. I can recognize myself and some friends there. :D

Aa, to come back to the ED. Next step would be getting rid of my depression, but I have no idea when and if it is ever going to happen. Because it just, really sucks, haha. :D

I got really upset with my psychologist the other day. We talked about eating, as always. And then she said that she doesn't really restict, but she makes healthy choices, eats ice cream once per half a year and she said junk food is bad, you need to be healthy and make right decisions with food. And that you shouldn't even buy junk food. Like, thank youuuuu :)))))))))))). It really affected me negatively.

Other than that she is really nice, she can calm me down and ask right questions, but this really made me upset. I have, for years, forbidden things to myself and now someone comes out and says it is right, you shouldn't eat these things, you need to be healthy and mindful and watch your portions. Not what I would have liked to hear. Oh well. She also suggested having a food journal, but I can already imagine her going into the shock and her saying I should be healthier. Even when I said I eat 80-90% of the time well, it is not good enough. :D

No, I don't think she meant anything bad and I just saw her for the second time ever, I suppose she doesn't really know what would cause me to relapse and what I can take from her words. I just... I wish she hadn't said some things. Especially when I was already upset and cried there, right?! :D 

Today I can think about it more clearly, but after my appointment I called to my sister and ranted a lot, because I was so done with it.

Today I also had a dentist appointment and it was confirmed that on the 8th of June I will get rid of the braces! And then on 14th they will make the invisalign thingies I have to keep in my mouth. So exciting, gonna be pretty for summer! And it is almost like a birthday present for myself. :)

Anyway, I will write later or tomorrow about how my baking came out. :D

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Okay, so, birthday morning started with chocolate oatmeal, strawberries and a cup of coffee. Yesterday I was in such a hurry with baking, at least I think I managed with the oven. Cake looks good and stritzels got baked, so I can be happy. We shall see how the taste is, but I hope others will like it.

I got to work earlier today, earlier than usually. Now my best friend has called me and sang to me, also sister has called and sang and there are other birthday wishes as well. So sweet. I don't really feel like it is my birthday, but it helped a little. :) And it is so nice that a lot of people have just sent me a message instead of posting on my FB feed. It is much more personal and cute.

Then I thought that before the workday finishes I will have stritzel and cake, I can skip lunch. But I decided not to do it. I already went by the store and got several things for lunch, so I am being good. :D It is really big for me.

Ah, and after work I decided to celebrate my birthday by going shopping with my best friend and sister. And then my best friend bought me SHOES. And they are exactly like the ones I have been eyeing up. I am so lucky! Can't believe it. :D

Aren't they cute? I think they are!

Then I have also made a little challenge. One of my friends sent me a message on Instagram saying that I should be kind to myself and say nice things to myself. I haven't really done it in front of a mirror, but it is still a start.

Anyway, I set up some kind of mantras for myself that I repeat while I am walking to the bus stop in the morning. One of them is "something good will happen to me today" and there are two more that I am not going to write down here. And I repeat them until I believe them. It kind of makes me feel more positive.

And another thing that I do is that I will tell nice things about myself to myself. I start with "I am" and then add a positive word, like "proper", "friendly" etc. There are a lot of choices. I have some things I always say, but I also try to come up with something new from time to time.

I don't know if it is really helping though, because I have done it for a small amount of time, but it does make me feel a bit more positive. I think I will try telling myself nice things in the mirror at one point as well, but at the moment it seems a bit too cringe. Even though I live alone and don't have to worry about anyone except for my cat listening, haha. :D Have you tried something similar? It seems really popular practice.

Tomorrow I will have a small birthday party (we are really careful and everyone who have a small doubt regarding corona in their head are staying home) and I can't wait. Yesterday this thought stressed me out, but now I am over it and I can think normally and I can't wait to see them all.

Oh, I got a good idea about going to a bookstore after work, because I want a card game to help people get to know each other. :D I think it would be interesting.

I also got bookstore giftcard from work and I think I will buy a cookbook. I have really started using the library a lot more recently and honestly having books is cool, but I want more space at my home. So I am not going to buy all the books I would like to read.

With reading, I have a really cool project going on that I will write more about in a future post. And I also thought I will get my air fryer finally, there are so many things I want to try and make, I am really excited!

Also I thought about making a new post about the social media accounts that I follow, because I have discovered a lot of new ones. And maybe I will combine it with my favourite YouTubers, because I am in the middle of making it for a while now.

Anyway, I will enjoy my Friday with chocolate Oatly oatmilk and coffee and thinking about being 28. So old?