I Won't Quote

When a girl wrote to me saying I should do this challenge, I was adamant to say no. No, I couldn't do it, I would automatically start to restrict more, I would on purpose eat less. Mkmm, not going to do it.

Then I thought that... why not. I need a challenge to do and there hasn't been a time in last 4 years (except for when I was at the hospital) where I have lived without weighing myself. I have missed a handful of days when I haven't been at home; when I have been at my parents' or have had a several-day event. Or when the batteries of the scale have been empty and I haven't bought new ones yet. So I was like... okay, let's try this.

I finished the "Good Reasons for Bad Feelings" and at first I wanted to make a separate post about it, but it honestly wasn't as good as I hoped. But I thought I'd still bring out a few things. That related to eating disorders. Basically the author couldn't figure out what was the evolutionary reason for eating disorders. It was interesting to read though, it was simply written. If you want to read something from popular science, then I highly recommend this book.

About eating disorders, he said that there are different ones. There are ones that are about overeating and then the complete opposite ones. Mechanisms that regulate your weight break down quite often. Current (fast)food, snacks, sweets etc is the culprit. Our organism is not fit to deal with these things, so there are a lot of overweight people. This book was quite interesting, because it told about natural choice and fitness and why this or that in the organism has been developed. But anorexia was a bit of a mystery, because going on the starvation mode is not a part of normal fitness.

Basically the book tells that evolutionary organisms' goal is to get descendants. But there is no connection between this and people starting to starve themselves. Maybe it would come into play if the whole village is starving and there aren't that many kids born, thus organisms want to give a chance to get pregnant to people who are more fit to have kids. Okay, I don't think I can translate it well into English, but maybe this interests you and you decide to pick up the book yourself. :D

He also says that diets are a slippery slope. 90% of the time people gain the weight back and even more. Diets that don't work ruin milions of peoples' mood and body image.

Why are there so many diet things? Pills, diet foods, dieticians, clinics, spas, doctors and workout programs, not to mention books, magazines, TV and internet. There are so many because, well, nothing really works. And there are soooo many reasons for it. There are illnesses, both mental and physical. There is no one reason for it all.

Basically he says that it needs a lot of work to figure out mental illnesses. They have only touched 1% of it all. Like he brought out that some things MAY occur due to genes, but it is only about 5% of all the cases. Like there was a research done on thousands of people suffering from scizophrenia, bipolar illness and autism and there is not one gene that is affected and causes it. Like... I had no clue. I thought (as many psychiatrists do) that depression and mental illnesses are just brain illnesses. But they are not so, often. And it is difficult to give a diagnosis, because it is done only focusing on symptoms. Like, if you have a heart condition, you can do some tests and figure it out. For most mental illnesses, there isn't that kind of test. Nothing tells you that well, you are clinically depressed or have mania. This was such an eye opening book, but I would give it 2/5, because I couldn't get answers to the questions that interested me. :D I am thinking of reading something similar again though. If I have some time, I will look up new books. Even though I should actually do some studying, because it has been kind of left behind by me recently.

What I also liked about this book is that it wasn't self-help guide, it didn't tell you that you have to do this and that to be healthy, eat well etc. It just explained things and didn't give advice. I am not a fan of self help books and I was scared that it will tell you more about diet or something. But it wasn't like this, which was refreshing.

Anyway, about my challenge - this time I am not doing it for measly 5 days, aka working week, and will do it properly for 7. I will keep eating normally as I have done so far, changing nothing. I have some more social days coming, and they bring more food and drinks, so I think this is a good place to start. And I can't make myself upset with the number.

I will try to write down how I manage every day and how I am feeling regarding the whole thing. And in the end I would like to see how much my weight changes. I won't mark down my starting weight or finishing weight, but I will say how much it has changed. I hope this doesn't trigger you, or if it does, feel free to skip this post. This is your warning.

There are a lot of different challenge posts in my blod you can read, so please go ahead!

At the moment I feel really motivated starting this challenge, but I think when tomorrow hits, I am going to struggle. I want to feel in control. But no, I know that if I have promised something to someone, I am more inclined to actually complete the challenge. If I only made the promise to myself, I would probably not do it whole way through. But now I have to! :D 

I think it can go two ways - I can feel free, but also I can feel so stressed and physically uncomfortable. We shall see what is going to happen.

Told about this to my best friend as well, so I can complain to her, when things get extra tough, haha. :D

Okay, so now it is a few days later and it is difficult. Or like, it is not difficult to not step on the scale, because I am able to control my body, but this not knowing fact annoys me. For the past days I have had those moments where I have gone like "oh, I should weigh myself", then I actually walk to the scale and then remember that no, not this week. Until now I have managed.

I think it is also kind of good, because my mum was visiting and we just ate all of the time. I would have just upset myself. I will weigh myself on Friday and see how big the change is. I think I have gained at least two kilos, but I dunno, maybe not.

I think maybe I am a little less stressed? Or like, this not knowing has two isdes. I am not that affected as I don't see the number and it doesn't set my mood. But I do feel like I should restrict just in case. But I haven't done it so far. I haven't even had a chance with mum visiting and all that.

I kind of really want it to be Friday already, because I want to assess the damage. By damage I mean my weight gain, because the number is already high enough to touch the lower healthy range of BMI. I managed well until now, but I feel like I am in a breaking point.

Then yesterday was a bit difficult, because my food didn't came out as well as I hoped and now I keep thinking about it and regret eating it. It wasn't perfect, I could have made something else, because I didn't enjoy it and it was a waste of calories. Yesterday I felt fine about it straight after eating, but today I am struggling a lot and I am just generally annoyed with myself. But at the same time... I am not wasting food so I would have had it regardless, but still. Argh, I was over these kind of things, but now it is back.

Half of the challlene is now over and honestly in the morning I was relieved that I didn't have to weigh myself. But I have a bad body image day. I just KNOW that this number would have affected me even more. So yeah, kind of good considering. Even coming to work, I started to wonder if I check my weight on Friday after all. Or like, will I do it every day again? I will still probably check on Friday, because I want to know how I did, but from then on? Maybe try and weigh myself once a week? I guess it depends on the results. :D 

Now writing this out made me stressed again. Also my coworker brought cake today, it looks amazing and it tasted even better. It is cheesecake with whipped cream, salted caramel, chocolate, strawberries, dark chocolate and Oreo cookies, mmm! I am thinking about how I would have skipped it some time ago, because I had proper breakfast and also planned my lunch already. But I did have a slice. And the world didn't come to an end. And I could make my coworker happy by telling her it was amazing, hehe.

Yes, to be honest, I did think about not having a piece. Because it seemed super heavy and sweet. But I just needed to get over the initial shock. My lovely commentator also JUST said that I should always take a slice of cake if someone makes it. So I did what she said. :D And it tasted soooo good, I would have missed out big time if I didn't have it. And I did have lunch. No restricting here!

Now it is Wednesday morning and I still haven't weighed myself. I was half way stepping on the scale this morning, but didn't do it in the end. I don't know what it would have given me anyway. Would have been pointless and I would have probably felt bad about myself. So I am being good.

In my eating habits, I haven't made a difference. Except really when I don't eat any snacks during the day, I have more at night/have a bigger dessert. And it seems to work fine. But at the same time I don't stop myself during the day, if I want something, I have it. Like I have had cookies every single day. :D I think I am having one right now, because I just feel like it.

Only tomorrow to go and then I can see how I have been doing. Ideally my weight hasn't changed, but I still need to gain some weight, so I should hope for that instead... Anyway, doing this experiment on myself is quite interesting. Maybe next time I can do it for two weeks? Or a month? Week is not really something special, if I want to know if my body can function normally without restiction. I should give it a chance. I will think about it and see what I decide on.

I really wanted to do a running challenge, but the weather has not been on my side at all. On one day it was raining, then it was snowing and wind was so strong I would have probably been running on one place. I was surprised I made it home! Today I will give it another go, but I will see how I feel and then decide. If I just don't feel like it or am too tired or something, then I won't go. This is not a goal, I just feel like running, that is all. At least I think so. I don't want this to become a rule. Like also yesterday I didn't work out at home at all either, because I was just so tired and irritated and sleepy. Instead I studied for 45 minutes, which is a good thing.

I really want to get this activity watch and I asked for recommendations on Instagram too, but nothing came up twice and I am still just as confused. The price should be between 100 - 200 eyros, but I don't know what to get. :S I have been reading a lot of reviews and literally all of them seem normal. I just want someone to make the choice instead of me. It was much easier to pick out a phone! I want the battery to last well, but other than that, I am not really picky... it would be nice if someone could tell me what to get. If you have one, let me know which one and if you are happy with it.

I feel like I have put so much pressure on myself. I don't know what to expect from tomorrow morning. I want to know the number, but at the same time I understand people who don't weigh themself, it is freeing indeed. So yeah... difficult. Today morning was the first time I didn't think about stepping on the scale at all. This was good. So yeah, there is some progress made and I feel like I have gotten over this obsession.

I read one girl's blog, who said she weighs herself every Friday morning only. I think that maybe I will do the same? I shall see what tomorrow brings and then decide if I can trust my body enough and do it. Or I need to see the number to plan life better. I have no idea what is going to happen. :D

Sooo... today morning I weighed myself. + 200 grams, which could be due to anything. So I can make some conclusions:

1. I can not restrict if I put my mind on it, eat properly and follow my routine. My excuse for not doing this challenge earlier means nothing now.

2. I can not weigh myself obsessively. And I am able to listen to my body after all.

3. I will start weighing myself more often again. At the moment I still need to gain weight and this helps me to see the progress.

4. My body image was better. Generally I feel "fat" when the number grows bigger, automatically. But during this week I was in blissful ignorance and I didn't have those uncomfy days, except from yesterday, when everything was uncomfortable and annoying. But I got over it.

5. This 200 grams didn't affect my mood. Number on the scale and it changing doesn't affect me nearly as much anymore. I can reason it to myself and I understand it needs to change. So yeah, I think it would be the best to weogh yourself every day for a week and then take the average from it.

6. I think I will do this challenge again in the future.

7. This calmed my nerves, because now when I have days when I can't weigh myself, I will feel much less anxious.

Anyway yes, this was this week's challenge. I am already doing a next one, which I hopefulyl complete, and can talk about on Monday. This was one of the hardest challenges mentally though. I still thought about this number a lot. But I did think about it less than I usually do, I think.

Anyway yeah. :D It was nice to have someone suggest me this challenge and I am glad I made it. And honestly, I swear that I didn't check my weight once during these seven days!

Oh boy, a lot has happened. USA presidential elections, corona is wild in Estonia, countries are going on a lockdown and so on. Can't really keep an eye on the stuff, so many happenings. Kind of scary not knowing what next days bring. But live and see I guess. At the moment it doesn't feel too unreal, like in spring, when I kept thinking I live in some kind of dystopian book.

How have you been keeping up? I know some people sat awake all night to see the election... I wouldn't do it myself, but I guess it would have been interesting with a group of friends. I kept my eye on Twitter, though Trump's sayings were really frustrating haha. :D

But anyway, what has happened to me? I am still waiting for my flat access, 19 days to go! I have seen some sofas, but I would like to see some more, as I haven't found "the one" yet. I just want to have all the things by when my parents are coming to help me move, because how am I supposed to get the sofa to fifth floor by myself (though some stores offer to help with that?). But yeah, a lot to do and get etc... and I need to change my address for my National Geographic order... which brings me to today's challenge:

I have never been big in reading magazines. My mum has one subscription and I have brushed through those when I have been at home, but I am not the one to read gossip magazines in general. I am not interested at all. The one my mum has though, has a lot of recipes and good stories, so this is different. Not about famous people.

But now for the last three months I have been subscribed to Estonian National Geographic. And I need to admit that I haven't really read them. So I thought it is about time to start doing this and maybe learn something new.

Monday

I was waiting for my bread to bake and I thought that okay, it is time to start reading. This month's articles were about coronavirus, and there are a lot of essays about environment, social life etc. Really interesting. I read mostly about what different countries have done to stop the spread.

I really like how NG is written. You can get a lot of knowledge without having to be a specialist. Articles are simple and interesting. Honestly, this hald an hour I had to wait for the bread went by really fast. It was a good change from reading a book too, you don't need to focus as much. You can just read one article at the time and that's that. So good.

In October's magazine there was a really interesting read about trafficking of children. It was really scary, but really opened my eyes. I think that if I finish with the November one, I will turn back to the previous ones and read them as well.

I remember that for the first time I read National Geographic in my high school English class. We had to pick an article and talk about it to other students. And already then I thought it was really interesting. So now when the publisher called me and asked if I wanted to get a subscription, I said yes. I also got a really interesting book for free, that is otherwise really expensive. :)

Every year I have come across the ad where they offer free magazines for two months if your birthday is in May. I have had one about science and another one of history, but National Geographic takes the cake, it is the most interesting.

Tuesday

Today I had so much to do that I didn't read anything at all. I finally went to the cinema to see Tenet and I really recommend it. :D Very confusing film, but it has a lot of scenes filmed in Tallinn and it is so unreal to see. And hearing Estonian! Anyway, all of Estonian people should go and see it at least once. :D I went to see it without knowing much, I just had heard that it was surreal and I had seen the trailer. Anyway yes, it was interesting.

I got home around 10 pm and I just wanted to go to bed right away (I ended up waiting for sleep until like 3 am, ugh), so I didn't have time to read. But I promised myself that I will read double on Wedensday. I am trying to think that this is not a failure, it is just a stumble. I don't want to quit this challenge simply because I fucked up one day. It is like this with everything. Even with an eating disorder - if you fuck up one day you just have to start again. It doesn't mean the challenge is pointless, not at all. You just start again or refocus and keep going.

Wednesday

Instead of pushing all the reading until later in the evening, I continued during my lunch break. At the moment I am reading an essay that talks about young people, around 18-25. About how their hopes and dreams an everything have kind of broken due to corona. A lot of people have just finished schools and it is difficult for them to find a job and start living their own life. Many countries are in a lockdown. Workfield is in crisis, there are a lot of debts and stuff going on.

I got really emotional reading this article and even almsot started to cry. :D But it was nice to read during my break, instead of trying to do work stuff which I usually do while eating.

Thursday

I again kept reading during my lunch break. This article was about economy and it's connection to coronavirus. How this has been really tough to environment and how there are some bad things coming money-wise. Crazy. It is so difficult for so many people, I felt really helpless reading it. But at the same time the article itself was really interesting. I wonder if these kind of essays help to deal with the situation that is about to come? I hope something can be done to ease the situation.

Friday

I again read during my lunch break. Article that I picked this time was really cool. There were mainly photographs by a Belgian artist. It showed the corona story, starting from old people's home to how they use even children's hospital rooms to treat this illness. The pictures were really raw and emotional.

I remember there was an exhibition in Tallinn about world's best press photos a few years ago where me and some of my friends went. It was powerful and interesting. I imagine in a few years these photos end up there as well.

I still ove reading NG, it goes so fast. Like, if I tried to read a book during my lunch break, it would take a lot more time to get into the mood. So yeah, a good challenge. It is kind of sad and tough, but interesting. You can understand better how situation is in different countries.

Today Estonia had a loooot of corona cases (241) and it kind of really threw me off. It is scary. I am not scared about getting sick, but rather making others sick if I happen to have it without symptoms. I really hope it won't happen.

At the moment we don't have to work from home, but they have said several times that it is not prohibited and if we want to, we can work gtom home. My sister has tough time too, there have been some cases at her school.

Saturday and Sunday

I kept reading. Last article that I completed was about how scientists are trying to find the cure and vaccination and how diffiult this whole thing is. Besides usually finding the cures or vaccines it has taken ages. Now they are trying to do it extremely fast.

And the instances where they have said there are possible positive outcomes have not reached far, because there is too little know about the virus. A lot of research has done on small group of people and it is not giving the scientists enough information.

I don't know if this post is about getting back into reading, or about corona. :D A bit of both. But yes, I got into the habit of reading again. I repeat - it is really nice to read something you don't have to focus on too much. And I am sure I am going to read the next numbers properly as well. Currently I haven't seen any boring articles at all. There are some that are "meh", but once I have gotten into them, they are interesting and well written.

For this week I have a food challenge, but I don't know how it will go. It may be a bit too difficult. :D We shall see.

I want  to do some other weekyl challenge, but I don't knowwww. At the moment I don't have any ideas. Or well, I have ideas, but I need to live alone for them. For example I really want to try completely vegan challenge at least for a week, but I can't do it with my sister. Because she doesn't agree with 100% vegan good and I really like cooking for us both. :D It is also easier, as there are usually no leftovers.

I should look up and start writing down some recipes I could do when I live alone. Like... one serving meals. At the same time my new place has a proper fridge and freezer, meaning I can freeze some of the leftovers, if I don't want to have the same thing the next day. Our current fridge is only big enough for one ice cream. :D

Anyway, let's see how it goes.

This week will be a challenge anyway, because it is my dad's birthday on Saturday and we are going to visit our parents with my sister. My dad said that he doesn't let us in if we bring a gift, but we are planning to make him a cookie cake. :D This is his favourite thing in the whole world. At one point it felt like he preferred Napoleon cake, but when we gave him a chance to pick what he likes the most, he voted for cookie cake.

What is the secret of our cookie cake? Cookies, curd cream, jam and it HAS to be topped with mandarines and chocolate. Mmmm, I want some already.

What I have already discovered is that I think I have become a biiiittt more flexible. Like on one evening I had more snacks than my sister. And then I don't follow the meal times so strictly any more. This is baby steps, but I see my progress.

So I guess this post had it all. A challenge and some food talk. I wonder what I am surprising you (and myself) on Friday.

So I thought I will take at least one picture every day and write a little about them. I have gotten used to posting pictures to my Instagram stories, but it has been a while since I just took random photos. I wanted to change that. At least I think I didn't post any of these to my stores (maybe with 1-2 exceptions).

Walked home from the store on one evening and it was so nice. The weather was great too, really autumn-like - dry and crispy... leaves have also changed colours and it is getting dark quite early now. It was idyllic and nice and I thought that yes, perfect photo oportunity. I really like walking around and it is quite sad when it is raining and I can't do that.

At the same time I think walking will become less when I move, because I will start living further away from the city center and I have to use more public transport. But oh well. At least near my new home there is some nature so I can just go outside and walk around there. Besides, who even walks around during autumn and winter, at least in Estonia? Anyway, all that is relating to the move and stuff feels so unreal and I am still waiting on some confirmations, but I hope to get them today. Good luck to me! Please hope for the best.

Regards the autumn evenings I have started burning cangles again - on this picture there is one with spices. And I drink a lot more tea now. Partly thanks to the fact that I am not having Coke anymore (today is already... 7th day) and partly due to the fact that weather has become colder and this just makes me have more hot drinks. And I got National Geographic subscription now. I have been reading it quite a bit. In this months' number there is a long article about sex industry and kids in it and it is really interesting. In general, I really like this magazine. In each number you find something to read about. And when you don't feel like reading a book, this is a good thing to check out.

Have been going to many yoga classes. I have come to realise I like both classes - yogaFUNC and vinyasa yoga. I have gotten used to the fact that they are different, but have similar elements. yogaFUNC is usually on Saturday mornings, which is perfect for me, and vinyasa yoga on Thursday evenings after work. I get to attend these classes only in every second week though, because we have meetings at work that sometimes take too long.

Anyway, my muscles don't get sore anymore and I think I am more flexible now. I can't comment on my balance though. :D What I also discovered is that usually when I went to sleep, my legs cramped up a lot and it was really awful. Now that I have done yoga, this never happens anymore! Such a good thing!! And even if I don't feel like doing yoga every time I always feel so much better after the class.

I finally put all of my different teas together that people have sent me and I usually let my sister or myself pick one with eyes closed. Some have been positive surprises, while some have been let downs. Anyway, here are the teas from UK, Germany, Finland and even Estonia. If you want to make my tea collection bigger, please contact me on Twitter - I accept everything and I can send you something as well!

This is probably one of my favourites I have ever had. I wish I found it in Estonia. I should look it up, I think I have seen Cupper teas in some stores. I will Google later and see if I can find a store that has them. Anyway, I would totally give it 9,5/10. I had it at work and it made my day a lot better.

Another picture of my feet because... I didn't have anything else to take a photo of and I needed to take one. :D Actually now that the weather is a bit colder, I can finally wear my new autumn boots. When it is raining, I am still wearing rubber boots, but these boots are really nice. I remember exactly that I bought them on 13th of March, a dey before the corona crisis was called out in Estonia. :D And the bag is also bought on the same day. Me and my mum went shopping because she was in Tallinn and we were supposed to go to see an opera, but it was cancelled due to corona. Soon it is again 13th and Friday (in November), I hope that Estonia won't have another lockdown this time. But who knows. I also wanted to ask what do you think about wearing a mask? It is not mandatory here and a lot of people are against it, which I don't really understand... but do you have anything to say about it? I have shared here that I do wear a mask and support it, but it would be nice to hear your opinions.

I went to my friend's place yesterday, as my bread starter died (it went mouldy, I don't know what happened) and I got a new one from her. Today I already started the pre-dough and I will bake in the evening! So thanks to my friend from saving me once again. My starter had a name Motivation (and Motivation died). Now this one has a new name: Nom. So we shall see how Nom goes.

Anyway, I was waiting for a bus and this old unique bus came! I was staring at it in disbelief and almost missed it, because I couldn't believe my eyes that in 2020 in Tallinn this antique thing is driving around! It didn't even have the validator things for my card. :D Anyway, I wasn't the only person taking pictures with my mouth open. The bus driver was also really cool, he was so happy and nice. :D I wish all public transport drivers were like this. But actually I think most of them are. Like for example I take a particular tram to work in the mornings and once there was another one in front of it. The tram driver was like "why don't you take the previous one" and I said that I don't want to get to work too early and he really laughed about it. :D It was adorable. Also bus drivers in other countries are always nice as well, for example I remember asking help from them in Norway when there were roadworks.

And to finish this post - a picture of me. I think my face has become a bit better, it doesn't look like a skull any more. And this is a huge plus in my eyes. I am finally taking selfies again too, I used to avoid it a lot.

How is it with eating? Well, good. But I have this extreeemeee hunger now, I don't know. Like, I could be full up and feel disgusting, but I am still hungry and want more and more food. I feel like I can never stop eating. I have been honouring this hunger and had some more, but it is so so super scary.

I have faced my fear foods as well - like yesterday me and my sister had frozen 3 cheese pizza with cheesy crust. And it was a lot scarier than takeaway pizza. Maybe because I knew the calories now... but it was so good. We also had some beer and finished the day off with Alpro vegan ice cream, which was amazing. And I didn't skip meals or snacks during the day. So I am good.

Today I have my psychologist appointment, I can finally tell her about the progress I have made. My weight has also gone up, so that is good. I always feel proud when she is happy for me. :D As if I succeeded in something. And at the moment this is enough.

Anyway, new week, new challenges, new things. I haven't really picked out a challenge to do, but I should think about something. I could do something. I have some ideas, but they take more planning than I have done right now.

I am so glad I am feeling like blogging again. I feel like the last few posts have been really nice and they haven't been as if I forced myself. So yeah, another positive thing. I still feel disappointed when I have not gained weight, but get annoyed with myself if I have. Annoying. :D

Okay, before finishing this post, I wanted to say thank you to people who have read and commented my posts. These comments make my days so much better. And believe me if I tell you that I read them over and over and over again. They make me sooooo happy. But yeah - talk to you soon!