I Won't Quote

Because who isn't stressed at the moment, am I right... Stressed due to the corona thing, vaccination thing or waiting for it, being in a lockdown, working from home and so on. This list is endless. Last time I saw my psychologist she also said that mental struggles are very high at the minute and it is not only me who feels like this. So this is normal.

Last spring I wrote about things to do when you are stuck at home, but I thought maybe another list would be useful. Just to remind them. As I have with my ED - I need to talk it out sometimes. And then listening to what you yourself are saying helps to put things into perspective. And sometimes talking to someone else also helps.

How did my weekend go? Well, my best friend came over and we had some food and drinks and watched a movie. And it was amazing. During the wole evening I didn't even think about food, talking was more important, also watching the movie. and yeah, we were talking about old times and watched some kpop videos... oh gosh I remember these times. :D We were HUGE fans. Like, really huge. God, I even went to London to attend a kpop concert and saw BEAST, 4minute and Gina. :D I have done many things in this life. Weird to think back. We watched some kpop videos and picked our favourite members and tried to guess each other's. It was fun. Oh yeah, I was talking about eating.

We had sweet potato fries, then veggies with dip... I also made brownies and we enjoyed it with mint-chocolate ice cream and strawberries. And I had some wine and my best friend had mojitos. And... yes, I ate more than I would have on a normal day. I had proper breakfast and dinner as well. And then the next morning came and I was ready to face the guilt. But like... they didn't come. Nada. A huge ass zero. Okay, I don't want to jinx it. I made some waffles as a brunch and we had them with nutella and fruit and berries. I looked forward to my guilt. And they still didn't came. Now my friend has gone home and I went to the store, had my third cup of coffee and THE GUILT IS STILL NOT HERE. I haven't done my exercise routine yet and I don't think I will do it today, because I am super tired. We turned the clocks and missed an hour.

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And I am not bothered.

I also walked way less today, maybe only have about 2000 steps and I just don't care. I don't even want to think about food or talk about it. I got some apple juice from the store. Because I just felt like it. I didn't even check the calories, because I didn't care. And this feeling is SO FUCKING FREEING. I kept repeating this to my best friend. I kept going like heyyyy something is wrong, where is my guilt?! Where?! Did they perhaps went into the wrong flat? My neighbour is drilling, maybe they are there? I don't know, this is a complete mystery to me.

(Okay, adding this on Monday morning I have to admit I have gotten some guilt. :S So things are not as well as I thought they are, but my weekend was still good. At the moment my weight has gone up a lot again and I have a thought that tells me my shirt is a bit too tight and I should restrict a bit. One candy less or how about we don't have these cookies today?)

And a few days ago I had a complete mental breakdown over three cookies. What is happening? Why are they not coming when I expect them? Why do they come up to me without a reason? Like, go back where you came from, that would be amazing.

I don't know, I don't think I am healed yet. I looked myself in the mirror and thought that hell, my thighs have gone so fat. And then I went and donated my pants, because they were too tight. I don't care. What is the point of holding on to them. I can enjoy new clothes, that's nice! A reason to shop. Even though at the moment you can't really do that. But luckily I have some extra pants I have bought to grow into, so I am not really bothered by it. Today feels EASY. I have this weird calm feeling in me. It was nice to rest, do nothing, just lay on the couch, pet the cat, watch some YouTube, talk a bit and just chill. It really helped with my stress levels and I know I can face the next week now. I don't want to jinx it, but I have felt like... a normal human?! this is absurd, but ohmygooood it shows that things DO get better. And they will. Once you let go of the control.

I have taken a massive leap, I could cry. Tears of joy. I am so tired of dealing with the ED subjects. Yes, I like food, cooking, recipes, new products and so on, but it is not an obsession any more. I don't open a store homepage every morning to check what new things they have in stock. :D I am not thinking about my next meal constantly. :D I do not care what others have eaten. Okay, sometimes I still feel awful when someone mentions in the evening that "oh, I haven't eaten anything today", because I feel like I shouldn't have eaten as well then, but it doesn't linger. PEOPLE, WE CAN DO THIS. It is possible to get well. I am that example!! I am finally #goals. I repeat myself, I am not 100% well yet. I still haven't reached the normal weight and yeah, maybe it seems super easy and I feel so motivated, but I STILL have hard time someteimes. But I kind of want to show you that it is possible. Like, a year or even half ago I was in the rock bottom. Now things are so much more normal. I am almost normal!

But what to do when stress is too much? What do I do when I need to distract myself from food guilt or just other stuff? I will make a list, maybe there are some good ideas...

If I had written this post last week, it would have been super depressing, because I had so many emotions and I just felt like I wanted the world to end. It just felt disgusting. Life itself. It felt awful both physically and mentally. But now I am feeling a lot better as you can understand probably.

1. I read. At the moment I am reading three books in Estonian, and I am reasing them all at once. I like to change it up a bit. Also, I am liiking forward to book recommendations. I do have a Goodreads account as well, you can add me as a friend there!

2. I study. I have tried doing something every single day, but I have skipped a few. But whenever I walk to the store or something, I repeat stuff I have read in my head. To make it stick better. At the moment I am doing the basic courses in law, and I think things will get more exciting later. But I need to start somewhere.

3. I watch YouTube. Maybe I should write down some of my favourite channels? I have been thinking making a whole separate post about them though, I have it in my drafts somewhere.

4. I study a language. If you know English (haha, if you are reading this, you probably do), I highly recommend Duolingo. I picked Japanese at the moment, because I feel like I want to get back into it. First lessons are way too easy for me, but it is good, because I feel like I progress so much :D I haven't been studying for long, because I am focusing more on university stuff.

5. I talk to people. For example usually on Saturday or Sunday I walk around for a bit and call my mum. It has become a little tradition for us. She even said she keeps her phone near her on those days. And then I have also CALLED my friends. Also to my foreign frends, because my English is so rusty and I need to practice. :D

6. I go for walks. The weather is so nice recently and I don't want to sit at home all day. I should find my earphones and listen to music or something. I do not listen to any podcasts at the moment, I am just over them somehow. I used to listen to a lot of ED podcasts, but I don't care as much about it any longer, so I lost my interest in them. I just don't care. There are so many other things to spend my time on.

7. I look at pretty pictures. In pinterest or Tumblr. Yep, I am not ecen shamed. I am making moodboards on Pinterest and I look at the pictures about home decor and travelling etc. And then I am thinking that one day it is like this etc. And tumblr also has some nice pictures. I mostly follow travelling and food tags.

8. I write a blog.This is sometimes really nice and calming thing to do, especially when your mind is going crazy and you just want to rant. I don't think it is right for everyone, but it is nice to write things down. You can also do it in a personal jpurnal. I also scrapbook, which I find really relaxing. I stick a lot of photos into it.

9. I cook. Lately I have been trying out new recipes and I have some things I need to use up. Also, I have baked those vegan brownies I mentioned earlier, once I made pizza, which I hadn't done for a while and now I am thinking that my friend got me those mini cake moulds, maybe I should make a personal cake for myself. :D

10. I watch movies. Yep, me! Like I saw the Fat Front a few days ago and with my best friend we watched two other movies from Netflix - Work It and Feel The Beat. Both of them were nice. I thought about writing about them a bit more, but I can't be bothered. Trailers are pretty accurate.

11. I visit my sister. I am super glad she lives so close to me! She doesn't really go out, because she is a teacher and gives classes from home. But yeah, I need some human connection and even if I just go over to have a cup of tea, it is soooo nice. Honestly, if I can't talk to people I feel like I am going mad. So much about me being an introvert...

12. I read additional information at work. I have a very specific work are and I have been discovering it a lot more lately. It is quite interesting.

13. I work out at home. I usually do them for about 20-25 minutes only, but I think it is enough for me. I like moving a little and this gives me so much nice energy. Ideally I would like to start running soon, but it is a bit too cold yet. And I need to get my shit together for this, hehe :D. Maybe I will try tomorrow if it is not raining and it feels nice outside?

I think this is it for now. A lot of reading and studying, but this is something I didn't really talk about last spring. So I brought them out here. To fill the time, there are a lot of other options as well still, like I used to write a story, filled my bullet journal, did some online shopping... I also clean at home a lot and it feels super nice. :D There are many things to do.

But yeah, I just wanted to talk my feelings out and explain what and how I have been doing. Now finishing this post on Monday morning I am not that positive or motivating any more, but well... it is understandable. It is Monday and all that. At least I am back at the office, because I just can't get anything done at home. Crazy. At home I kept thinking "I want to go home" xD. Wasn't the nicest. Also at work you can actually dress up properly and feel like a human, at home I just sat around in my PJs. Yes, I could have gotten ready at home as well, but who can be bothered.

But if you have any more ideas on what to do during this time, please let me know. I think that a burnout in the current situation is really relevant topic and I just wanted to shed some light on it. Like when I look at my sister and she is super stressed 24/7, I feel bad. She works all week, because in addition to her normal classes she has several big projects with Education Department of Estonia etc. It is cool, but it is also very tiring and time consuming. And other people don't have it easier either. Hospitals are overcrowded and everyone are working on somehow handling the situation and every day life.

If you want to vent, feel free to share it. I would love to share stories and tricks of others as well.

If you figure that out, let me know. It is sooo difficult to write this post, because I have no idea what I want to say. Just - I am soooo tired.

Of this corona thing. Sitting at home. Of work. Boredom. Lack of motivation. Pointlessness. Weight. Food. Thoughts. Life. Of everything.

I honestly thought that this thing would be over by now, but haahaaa yea right. I thought I am introvert enough to handle the situation, but right now I am begging you - please give me a real life person to talk to from face to face. At least it has been nice going to work, can see people occasionally. Though for the last few days I have been here alone as well...

But during the weekend I watched TWO! movies. Me! Yes, I didn't watch all of them in one go, but it was still a huge accomplishment. I will write more about them towards the end of this post.

Other than that, things have been... difficult. Weight is going up, this is scary. I have reached a new first number. Now only 4 more kilos to go and I am at the normal weight range. Sounds unreal.

Yesterday I went through some pictures, because I wanted to get some printed out in order to put them into my scrap book, and... I don't know, I felt two things at once. On one end, I felt sad, because I really looked horrible. It was weird to watch the pictures. But comparing myself then and now, I feel fat. Yep.

But like... who am I thin for anyway? What is the use of being underweight? I still don't get my period, which is a huge sign that my health is not okay, I would like to get them back, thank you. :D Yep, I WANT to! :D I have even dreamed about them starting again. xD Okay, this is probably too much information, but whatever. Considering what I have written here, this is definitely the worst thing, haha.

My best friend was offended over the fact that I don't mention her a lot, so here is a shoutout. She was actually the one who made me want to go to the office and pay more attention to how I look. Maybe tomorrow I even PUT MASCARA ON! :D I don't feel like doing other make up, because it is pointless when you are wearing a mask, but I think it would be a nice boost. To feel better. I now understand people who do make up simply for themselves. I have always thought it is something you do for others, but it is not like that at all.

On Saturday I went for a walk with a friend and her daughter and it was so nice. Could finally talk to another adult, it was amazing. What I also discovered was the fact that I didn't think about food at all. In general recently I have thought about it less. Well, sometimes I still get an odd thought about what to have for lunch or dinner and oh I should eat something, but I am not constantly thinking about food. Like I managed to pay attention to the movies I watched and didn't need to eat something at the same time. Also I have paid more attention to if I am actually hungry vs I just want something to snack on. Most of the time I just want something, but I am physically full. I just like the act of eating? Maybe it makes no sense, but yeah. Anyway, I like eating so much that I won't fall back into my ED. I could never give up food again. :D Anyway, I feel like I am close to becoming just Signe, instead of a Signe with an eating disorder. :)

Haven't seen my sister in a while, because she is super busy, but I would like to see her. I am still thinking about ordering takeaway, but I want to do it with someone. We shall see if I am successful. Like there is another pizza place near me I would like to try, and they have several vegan options. And I think it is important to support food places during this time when everything is closed.

Maybe tomorrow I will try and watch another movie. There is Fat Front in Huum TV, which people have recommended to me. Also, I will look forward to your suggestions.

I really wanted to do another 24 h challenge before posting today, but I didn't manage to. No good ideas. I should really look up some inspiration and do something by Friday, as this is the main thing with my blog. Challenges. I will try and come up with something today. Oh, I got a thought but... I need to think more about it. :D I need something that can be done during the day as well.

I did think about trying some Tiktok hacks, for example this feta pasta or something, but I don't knooow. I don't really have any idea about Tiktok. Also yesterday I wanted to make baked oatmeal, but my pan is too big for it. I shall see if I can come up with something and if not, there is the final episode of Expensive calories coming out on Wednesday. :D I can always review that.

Planted some things! This picture is about a week old, currently they are two times as big. So exciting. I need to come up with a way to put them onto balcony though. But the window sills there are too narrow, so post of the pots don't fit... Also at the moment it is still too cold to put them there anyway. I will come up with something for sure.

This is something similar to Romaine, seems exciting. I also planted some red leaf beetroot, which I thought will not start growing, but now it has! Now I just need to remember to water them occasionally.

I wish the snow melted already, it is so muddy outside and it is making me depressed. It was such a nice weather a few weeks ago, I want it back!

I have worked out at home properly, though my exercises last only about 20-25 minutes still. But currently I believe it is enough. My muscles aren't sore anymore, or maybe just a little. I have added some exercises as well. For example if I used to do 10 squars, then now I am doing 15 and so on. It feels nice. And it seems to be working.

Anyway, here are the two movies I watched:

First one was Holidate, original by Netflix. And it was really nice and chill to watch. I didn't even feel like starting a movie, I just saw what was out there and it seemed interesting. So I played it. It was nice to forget about life for a couple of hours and just mindlessly watch this. :D I also thought that myabe I would need a holidate as well, haha :D. Anyway, yes, I recommend it. 7,5/10.

I also finally watched To All The Boys Always and Forever meaning the third film in the series. And it was sooo cute. :D I don't like the part in movies where everything goes to shit, but this was easier than I expected. :D Even though I did write to my best friend saying that I can't continue watching without knowing what is going to happen. :D I really wanted to skip to the end. But I didn't do it. 8/10, really nice young people movie and it made me miss high school.

When my friend came over and we had the pizza night, we talked about not having anything to do and to waste time, we go out for walks. Like... I used to have hobbies. Where have they gone?

For example I used to watch a lot of films and even anime. At the moment I am not doing this at all, because I feel like I can't focus for that long. It is much easier to watch Youtube videos, becuse in general they are not that long and when I don't like something, I can pick another one. So yeah, I am not really a fan of watching TV. Yesterday I took a look around in Netflix and I thought that oh, maybe I should watch this or that, but then I checked how long it is and decided that I don't have enough energy for that. And I didn't want it to play on the background either, because it would be such a waste. Only thing I have sort of managed to watch is My Kitchen Rules, but this also annoys me, because they always repeat the episodes and I have seen them already. :D

Then... I used to attend a choir practice. But I don't think starting to sing at home randomly would be a nice thing to do (even though in the last place I lived, there was a girl who was an opera singer and I could hear her practicing all the time). But yeah, that is a no from me.

I have never been a dancer and honestly even thinking about it makes me embarrassed. I have turned on some music more loudly and done some steps, but as soon as I do it, I pause the music and sit back down. This is not for me!

What else? I used to read a lot. I read one a day or was awake half of the night in order to read. But at the moment I don't have enough patience, attention and I am just not feeling like it. It just seems so boring. And like... a waste of time, even though it isn't. Because is watching Youtube better?! Also I should contact the magazine I ordered as I have not received my January one. I just saw that they took money from my account but I still haven't gotten it. But yeah, considering me, I wouldn't even read it.

In addition to these things, a big role in my life has sport. I used to love (and still do) running and all kinds of group workouts, but this is not possible at the moment. It is slippery and cold outside and I don't have proper gear to run.

Also, I would like to, I don't know, learn languages or something. But all kinds of group things are paused due to corona. It is depressing. Today I came to the office simply to get out of the house, because I feel I will go mad at home.

Anyway, considering all this, I go for walks a lot. Like yesterday I walked to the one shopping center THREE times. Firstly in the morning to buy some decorations for home (which I think is really pretty, hahaa :D).

Then later I thought I will make kimchi-tofu-mushroom soup as I just came across a recipe and I decided to go and buy some kimchi. And all of the kimchi was gone. I was really upsed because I really wanted that soup. Oh well.

And then in the evening I was like... I should go to the store and get some soya yoghurt. Even though I still have half a tub of coconut yoghurt and I planned to have porridge for breakfast anyway. But I STILL went outside and walked to the store, I just couldn't keep still and I was sooooo bored.

When I get home it was still quite some time until dinner, there was nothing on the TV and I was bored of the computer. So I finally picked up my scrapbook and started one for 2021! It was kind of nice to work on it, but as I don't have printed out pictures, I couldn't really do much. I should look at the photos I have taken and send them to be printed out.

It was kind of calming. I had a weird feeling all day and a bit of anxiety, so it was nice to have some time for myself. I had some tea on the side and just wrote stuff down. It was really nice. But at the same time I still felt like "ugh I don't feel like doing it". I pushed it aside, but it still was on my mind. :S I don't know if scrapbooking is called a hobby, but it is a nice activity that I do on my free time so I guess? I don't know.

We will see what I do next. I guess I should take this list of things and try all the activities, maybe I like somethign again. Is this what depression is, just laying on bed or on a sofa and stare at the ceiling? Honestly, I would even pick an obsession right now, like Korean music used to be. Because I am just... so... bored.

But it was nice that on Saturday a couple of friends and a relative came over. They brought me so many things. ;_; A lot of vegan products, but also something interesting, for example NATO parcel CAN OF BREAD?! This was weird, haha. :D But well, I can say that I am ready for a zombie apocalypse.

Also, what else - blogging is a hobby as well. Yep, this is probably the only thing I have done constantly and feel like doing. :D

Bullet journaling is also kind of the same. You make some pretty decorations and can do habit tracking and mood tracking and so on. It is interesting to see. I try and do something every day, but on some days I still skip. 

Mmmmmm I am thinking what else I did at the hospital. I solved sudokus! And drew! And... solved puzzles, coloured... but in general I just wasted time. I don't know, this walking around makes me feel good. The act of moving. It soothes my nerves and lets me think, like usually I make plans about blogposts or something. Anyway, all in all I want to say that if you want to go for a walk, tell me and let's do it together. :D I always need to have a goal when I go for a walk, especially when I am alone. And usually it is a store. Because I just can't walk around aimlessly. With someone it is fine, but I almost always go for a walk alone.

Yes, I don't keep my walking at the minimum any more, because I have gained quite a bit of weight. And I can allow myself to use some energy. To feel good. And I eat so much, I never walk off all the calories I consume. So yeah, thins are progressing... somehow.

Today I have my psychologist appointment and I am scared of it. And not because I have lost weight, the opposite. I have gained TOO MUCH from the last visit. Like a lot. Several kilos. :S When will things be alright?

At the moment my main problems are: disinterest, boredom, need to move, short attention span, depression, eating too much.

Like I felt SO hungry on one night. I had had all my meals and snacks and then I still kept eating and eating and in the end I went to sleep crying. At 8 pm. Because I thought I will never stop. This really scared me. Later I understood that it was because I was restricting a bit during the week. This is a dead sycle.

I think I will make another week of not spending and will probably write about it. On the weekend I went to do some food shopping (and I even wore a mask) and bought everything I needed for a week. I got this really cool notebook from a friend, it is a bit like bullet journal, but you don't have to design it yourself. I have all of my designing things at work, so I started using this instead. Anyway, there are pages to plan out weekly meals so I started to work on it. I can say in advance that it was 35 euros to buy everything I need, which is pretty good. Also some of the stuff even lasts longer (like rice and porridge oats).



I thought for a long time what to write about today. Then someone recommended to write about 10 things to waste your time on during the isolation. I put it under my own spin and decided to write about what NOT to do in isolation. Besides, I wrote about what to do previously.

So...

1. Have a party - I don't think this needs an explanation. We need to be isolated. If you really need to have a party, have a face chat with friends and drink some wine. :D I have done it one time, without the wine though. You can see other people and talk for a bit, it really makes a difference.
2. Go shopping - currently most of the stores are not even open any more, so yeah. But out of boredom, you may find even food shopping interesting. I just want to say that this is currently not the best idea. I have had some arguments with myself abou going to the stores - I keep thinking I want this and that, literally only the things I don't have at home.
3. Reading news - don't get me wrong, it is important to keep up with what is happening in the world. But checking the news in every five minutes can bring a lot of anxiety and ruin your day. Take only one moment a day where you check the news.
4. Invite friends over - this goes with having a party. But even having a few friends or just one friend over, should be postponed. And you shouldn't visit others as well. That's the thing - a lot of people don't have symptoms but they may actually be sick.You may make other people sick. At first I took this Corona thing with ease, but recently the reality has hit me. And better safe than sorry!
5. Go to work - this is mostly for office people, because a lot of people don't even have a job anymore. Or they are just temporarily closed. I have a possibility to go to the office, but it is recommended that I don't. If you can, stay at home.
6. Take a walk in crowded places - walking and spending time outside are important. You could go mad indoors. But at the same time it is importanto to keep the distance while outside, it is not the best idea to go to nature if every other people has thought to do the same. Instead you could visit an old town - my friend just told me that there were basically no people when she went there. I have been walking around near my home - I only see people with baby carriages or dogs going around.
7. Go travelling - at the moment it is impossible, but I thought I'd bring this out still. I was really annoyed when learning that people who were coming back from a vacation, would go around, visit stores and friends insteag of staying in quarantine. When I came home from Japan, I sat at home for 2 weeks, even though a chance of being sick was really small.

Instead of this there are so many things to do. For example yesterday I called my Grandma and asked how she is doing. We talked for like half an hour. I also saw on Facebook that there was "call your grandparents" day, so that's how I got the idea. And even without a specific day it is nice to call them.

In addition to this I have done many more things I wrote down previously - writing, reading, solving sudokus, cooked, watched videos and series, watched and sorted pictures, walking around and so on and so on.

This week I want to bake bread again. I am thinking of using the same recipe as last time... or should I try something new? One of the places that has a lot of cool recipes is this: yummly. I have already bookmarked some rye bread recipes in there. :D

For my next post I am thinking about writing my eating disorder again... and also I will make the post about how many calories per day I eat. I am thinking of posting it though, it may be triggering to someone and I don't want that.

Anyway, hope you are all well and good luck!