I Won't Quote: christmas

Back on track

As always, after the holidays there are so many articles and posts about how to lose the weight you have gained over Christmas. But I read one article about indulging during Christmas and it made me

I admit that I am one to overeat. There is all this food in front of me and you don't have it every single day. And then I am like... even if you overeat, fow much weight do you gain? I am not talking about myself because I have gained several kilos over December, but if I overeat a few times in a month, is the weight gain really so big that I need to diet?

I have to say thath the period between my friend's birthday and Christmas (which was only three days), I ate less than I should have. It is difficult to admit, but it was so. At the same time I didn't miss any meals or snacks, so I am doing well. I just ate a little less calorie dense foods. My weight didn't go down, but I felt better in my body. But I can't keep doing this. I shouldn't start playing with my food again and get addicted to the feeling light when I am hungry or almost hungry.

So this back on track is a little different for me. I need to keep myself on track, because currently I am on one. I can't change the direction. I need to keep going. These Christmas kilos I have gained are just a bigger step towards getting better, right?

It has been a while since I felt hungry. It sounds normal, doesn't it? That you don't feel starving. But I still like this feeling and I feel a bit sad when I don't get it. Like I can't justify eating if I don't feel hungry. So things have been tough.

The second thing that bothers me is that I eat a lot. I don't mean I am eating a lot of unhealthy and calorie dense stuff. No. I mean I am a complete volume eater, meaning I need a lot of things to eat. So I never know how people get full on normal size portions. Whenever I make pasta or rice, there needs to be a lot of it, because I am used to having a great amount of vegetables or fruit. I tell you - eating a full 2 kilo pomelo is easy for me.

I know that the size of your stomach changes according to what you are used to eating, but I ALWAYS remain hungry after having a normal size meal. :S And I don't know what to doo.

What else there is about Christmas... what did I eat? Well, firstly I made mushroom Wellington, which was great. Also my dad had wanted me to make cheese pastries, which I did.

I also had some beetrood patties, what were also loved by others. And then I had separate fried sauerkraut and also oven roasted potatoes. And my Grandma now always makes potato salad without sausage, which is so sweet of her!

Being vegan - my family is not for it. So I haven't talked about my plans. There were many arguments regarding it at the dinner table, because I mentioned that my friend had been vegan for years.

Then we of course had dessert, which was deconstructed cookie cake. And we had a lot oh mandarins, gingerbreads, chocolate, apple pie etc. Too much. I am telling you, I ate so much that I couldn't even count the plates.

Now being back at home I have a real plan to eat less, skip meals and get the weight to go down. This is like some sort of an obsessive thought that I rely on when things are getting difficult. I always think that soon I will get back on track.

Then I came back to Tallinn and just couldn't do it. I just pushed all the restriction thoughts aside and ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. And had snacks. Didn't restrict at all.

For a few days I managed to try some new stuff, which was nice. I continued having Christmas by myself.

At the moment it is difficult. Or actually, it isn't. When I just am and don't think about it. On the moments where I weigh myself or look into the mirror, then it is difficult.

Yesterday I cried a little and felt really stressed, but at the same time... I can see my thoughts revolving around food more and more again and it is awful. I don't want to go back to where I was last summer. Where I couldn't focus on anything except for food and restriction and I always only thought about what I was going to eat for my next meal. I want to... live normally. Not think about food and not make plans for the next week. Currently I live like this. Whenever someone tells me that let's order food on Saturday, I start to think ahead about what to get. And I always pick the "healthy" option. And then I pick something with less calories, not something I acutally want to have. :S

But in general I wanted to say that it is tough. Sometimes every bite is a fight. Sometimes I feel so anxious that my head is spinning and I have these waves of hot and cold run over me. And then there is anger. Every time I step on the scale and the weight hasn't gone down by at least a little (or worse, when I have gained some grams), I feel the urge to hurt myself. I close my eyes and swallow the tears, hands shaking and desperation flowing over me. Then I sit and think and write on paper how much and what I have eaten, how many calories it is and how much I am still allowed to eat.

On some evenings I don't feel hungry at all and think that I should skip the meal. I could easily do this. But something in the ACT of eating is what I like. And then comes to play me eating a lot of vegetables, as it lasts longer. I want to elongate the process of eating, I feel as if I am not satisfied if I eat a small amount. This makes me really annoyed. Every day I think that I will do this and that and then something messes up my plans. D:

Anyway, things have not been nice and I am so stressed. I just want to get this "I don't care" mood back, because right now I care a little too much.

I am doing home office until the end of the year and my computer is set up in the kitchen. Not the best combo. But I don't have a desk elsewhere and if I laid on my couch, I wouldn't be able to do anything. So yeah, I am sitting in the kitchen, dreaming about food, looking at food and trying to write down some law stuff.

For a few days now I have walked a little more. Not as much as I used to, but still a little. This is good. I feel like I don't HAVE to walk, but it is nice to do it, smell fresh air and enjoy the snow. It is so nice outside! It is also a bit cold, but oh well. It is good that I can buy frozen things from the store and they don't melt on the way home hahaha :D. Small joys, am I right.

And soon it is the end of the year. I thnk that maybe I will still set some goals. But they will be really personal so I won't write them down here. But I want to set some goals that are doable as well. I am generally good with promises, but only when I tell someone in real life.

This post is like a trainwreck, I started with something important, but now it is just a mess writen on an emotion. But oh well, it happens...

Yesterday I FINALLY made pureed soup. I have been wanting to do this for ages, that's why I asked for a blender last Christmas. :D It was about time to use it. I had pumpkin, carrots, onion, garlic, coconut milk and some seasoning (salt, pepper, tumeric, ginger, cumin, coriander and some garam masala curry powder) and it came out amazing. Now I can have it for lunch for a few days.

In general I have been meal preping a lot recently. I now have a decent sized freezer and I have put some of the stuff there. Like I had this leftover vegan pizza from my housewarming party and on one day I was like - dunno what to make for lunch - and then picked this. Put it in the microwave for a few minutes and I had a proper meal. Real nice!

Food, food, food, food. Why are you like this?! Why do I think about you all the freaking time?! I am eating enough. My weight is going up. And stillllll.

And I also wanted to wish you all a happy new year. Be strong!

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, by Signe

Eating disorder during holidays

I wanted to say that my eating disorder story was published in two online magazines in Estonian. If you want the link, check my Estonian blog.

I got this new gray fleece blanket and it is just so soft, I really needed this. :D Anyway, these are how my mornings look like until I get a table.

Also I got a parcel from Globus Estonia! They sent me different canned goods, mostly beans. This is so nice! Now I have something to make fast when I don't have time. :D It was also packaged adorably, it was really awesome to get a parcel like this.

But in general I wanted to write about Christmas and an eating disorder. In the past it has been really difficult, because I always overeat. Christmas, then New Years... also work Christmas party. I KNOW I will overeat and get so many guilty feelings. It is difficult to deal with this. I always think before an event that I will take things calmly and have only as much as I feel comfortable having. But in reality it is not that simple. This is why I am kind of worried I might turn anorexia into bulimia. I feel like I need to everything and as much as possible, because what if I don't have it again. And then I eat and eat and eat until I am physically sick and get a stomach ache. Nothing helps. And in these situations I still keep thinking about food. Where is this logic? I don't know.

At the moment I am terrified of the work event - it will last 2 days. And after this it is almost Christmas. And next weekend I will have a couple of friends over for housewarming party. (While I am writing this post it is only Wednesday, work event is on Thursday and Friday, but I might mention it later.)

I can't say anything else except that I will try and eat normally. TRY. At the moment I am eating well, I am not skipping meals at least and I am trying not to compensate ahead. But this is difficult as well. I am trying to do the same thing I did in summer - tell myself that my ED is paused for now. Until the next year. Then we will reevaluate the situation. Like new year new me. Sometimes it works, but I still struggle a lot. I feel like I need to try all the foods, or I will regret it later etc.

In general things have kind of looked up recently, but also there are really bad occasions. Like... I generally feel a lot better. I have more energy, I am willing to do things and go places and stuff. But at the same time I am afraid that soon I don't need to gain weight anymore and I can't eat as much. Which makes no sense. My weight doesn't determine if I can eat or not. And even when my weight goes up to normal, I can still have chocolate, crisps, fruits, food - everything! And drinks.

Recently I have challenged liquid calories a lot. My friend brought me some Swedish Christmas drink, which is a bit like Coca Cola? But, well, with calories. But it tastes so good, I have had a little every night.

It is weird to be in my own flat. :D I often do the thing where I just sit comfortably in the livingroom, then get up and just walk through all the rooms and LOOK AROUND. :D Weird. I don't know when I will get over it. At the moment I still haven't gotten used to everything, but it is kind of awesome to discover my own home! I am looking forward to getting final pieces of furniture, it will be extra nice then. Hopefully during the weekend it will be done (it is done now, I am just late in translating this post).

Also I still haven't unpacked everything, I am too lazy. Actually I just need to sort out some bathroom stuff and put away some summer clothes, but I have this block at the moment. Instead I drag the suitcase with clothes from one corner of the room to the other corner of the room. :D

I occasionally watch TV. It usually doesn't have amazing shows, even though I have milion channels. It usually just plays in the background, but it is so nice to have a TV still.

I think I have told you when I had a long period of not wanting to go home after work. I just went to walk around in the stores and so on, I never went straight home. Now it is different. :D During the lunch already I start thinking about going home finally! And in general... I don't know, I just said I like doing stuff and meeting people, but at the same time I kind of want to have a few evenings at my own flat alone. Is it selfish? I don't know, I can't really put it into words. Maybe I should and tell someone that hey, I want my alone time, but I feel like I will get stuck at doing nothing?! Because usually I am either go-go-go or just exist without doing anything really.

I feel like I seriously struggle with self dicipline. I need to force myself to do things, and I am not always successful. And when I don't do anything and spend some time alone, I feel guilty. Even when people tell me that it is fine and they understand. Still!

I feel like I wrote avout Christmas presents just yesterday, but it was a year ago. And now it is Christmas again. This year I am making only few gifts for people, and surprisingly I have everything I need already. In the end it fel like the presents just came to me - I was walking around and saw things and thought that oh, this is for that person and that is for this person. Anyway, this is good. I am thinking about wrapping them up soon as well, then everything is done.

I am also wondering what I can have at the Christmas dinner at my Grandma's place. I bet the table is covered in meat and blood sausages... In Viljandi they don't have a store that would have vegan versions of blood sausages I think. I need to check. Last year I made them myself and they tasted really good, other people also tried them. But I don't know how this year will go. I want to take it easy and not deal with cooking to be honest. I guess I could do without as well, I'd have more salad (like my Grandma makes potato salad without the sausage now!), but I don't want others' comments. I am glad I haven't told my family and relatives about my full on vegan challenge yet... they would never stop ranting.

I think with this as well I will do what I can. Depending on the situation. If I face starving or insulting someone, I can make an exception. But in general I want to make more vegan-friendly choices and move towards showing everyone that veganism is possible and it is not restrictive. Anyway, yeah.

With the New Year's Eve I don't know what I will do. In the past I have been at home and maybe went out to see a friend or two for a couple of hours during midnight, but this year I haven't discussed it with anyone. But it will come and sooner than I think it is possible. Everything happens so fast recently. You will just blink and it is already 2021.

I wonder if I should write down some goals for 2021? I could try. Even though I know, how I will be able to fulfill them.

I just looked up that last year in December I made a list of 150 things I wanted to do. I think my next post will be about if I did them or not. :)