I wanted to say that my eating disorder story was published in two online magazines in Estonian. If you want the link, check my Estonian blog.

Also I got a parcel from Globus Estonia! They sent me different canned goods, mostly beans. This is so nice! Now I have something to make fast when I don't have time. :D It was also packaged adorably, it was really awesome to get a parcel like this.

But in general I wanted to write about Christmas and an eating disorder. In the past it has been really difficult, because I always overeat. Christmas, then New Years... also work Christmas party. I KNOW I will overeat and get so many guilty feelings. It is difficult to deal with this. I always think before an event that I will take things calmly and have only as much as I feel comfortable having. But in reality it is not that simple. This is why I am kind of worried I might turn anorexia into bulimia. I feel like I need to everything and as much as possible, because what if I don't have it again. And then I eat and eat and eat until I am physically sick and get a stomach ache. Nothing helps. And in these situations I still keep thinking about food. Where is this logic? I don't know.

At the moment I am terrified of the work event - it will last 2 days. And after this it is almost Christmas. And next weekend I will have a couple of friends over for housewarming party. (While I am writing this post it is only Wednesday, work event is on Thursday and Friday, but I might mention it later.)

I can't say anything else except that I will try and eat normally. TRY. At the moment I am eating well, I am not skipping meals at least and I am trying not to compensate ahead. But this is difficult as well. I am trying to do the same thing I did in summer - tell myself that my ED is paused for now. Until the next year. Then we will reevaluate the situation. Like new year new me. Sometimes it works, but I still struggle a lot. I feel like I need to try all the foods, or I will regret it later etc.

In general things have kind of looked up recently, but also there are really bad occasions. Like... I generally feel a lot better. I have more energy, I am willing to do things and go places and stuff. But at the same time I am afraid that soon I don't need to gain weight anymore and I can't eat as much. Which makes no sense. My weight doesn't determine if I can eat or not. And even when my weight goes up to normal, I can still have chocolate, crisps, fruits, food - everything! And drinks.

Recently I have challenged liquid calories a lot. My friend brought me some Swedish Christmas drink, which is a bit like Coca Cola? But, well, with calories. But it tastes so good, I have had a little every night.

It is weird to be in my own flat. :D I often do the thing where I just sit comfortably in the livingroom, then get up and just walk through all the rooms and LOOK AROUND. :D Weird. I don't know when I will get over it. At the moment I still haven't gotten used to everything, but it is kind of awesome to discover my own home! I am looking forward to getting final pieces of furniture, it will be extra nice then. Hopefully during the weekend it will be done (it is done now, I am just late in translating this post).

Also I still haven't unpacked everything, I am too lazy. Actually I just need to sort out some bathroom stuff and put away some summer clothes, but I have this block at the moment. Instead I drag the suitcase with clothes from one corner of the room to the other corner of the room. :D

I occasionally watch TV. It usually doesn't have amazing shows, even though I have milion channels. It usually just plays in the background, but it is so nice to have a TV still.

I think I have told you when I had a long period of not wanting to go home after work. I just went to walk around in the stores and so on, I never went straight home. Now it is different. :D During the lunch already I start thinking about going home finally! And in general... I don't know, I just said I like doing stuff and meeting people, but at the same time I kind of want to have a few evenings at my own flat alone. Is it selfish? I don't know, I can't really put it into words. Maybe I should and tell someone that hey, I want my alone time, but I feel like I will get stuck at doing nothing?! Because usually I am either go-go-go or just exist without doing anything really.

I feel like I seriously struggle with self dicipline. I need to force myself to do things, and I am not always successful. And when I don't do anything and spend some time alone, I feel guilty. Even when people tell me that it is fine and they understand. Still!

I feel like I wrote avout Christmas presents just yesterday, but it was a year ago. And now it is Christmas again. This year I am making only few gifts for people, and surprisingly I have everything I need already. In the end it fel like the presents just came to me - I was walking around and saw things and thought that oh, this is for that person and that is for this person. Anyway, this is good. I am thinking about wrapping them up soon as well, then everything is done.

I am also wondering what I can have at the Christmas dinner at my Grandma's place. I bet the table is covered in meat and blood sausages... In Viljandi they don't have a store that would have vegan versions of blood sausages I think. I need to check. Last year I made them myself and they tasted really good, other people also tried them. But I don't know how this year will go. I want to take it easy and not deal with cooking to be honest. I guess I could do without as well, I'd have more salad (like my Grandma makes potato salad without the sausage now!), but I don't want others' comments. I am glad I haven't told my family and relatives about my full on vegan challenge yet... they would never stop ranting.

I think with this as well I will do what I can. Depending on the situation. If I face starving or insulting someone, I can make an exception. But in general I want to make more vegan-friendly choices and move towards showing everyone that veganism is possible and it is not restrictive. Anyway, yeah.

With the New Year's Eve I don't know what I will do. In the past I have been at home and maybe went out to see a friend or two for a couple of hours during midnight, but this year I haven't discussed it with anyone. But it will come and sooner than I think it is possible. Everything happens so fast recently. You will just blink and it is already 2021.

I wonder if I should write down some goals for 2021? I could try. Even though I know, how I will be able to fulfill them.

I just looked up that last year in December I made a list of 150 things I wanted to do. I think my next post will be about if I did them or not. :)