I Won't Quote

Ideally I would really sketch someone for a few minutes every evening as Ingrid suggested in the comments, but I feel like before doing that I need some practice. So I took five days and drew something on every single day. I am really out of practice, haha. :D Also I don't really have proper drawing equipment at home (don't ask why, but they are at work), so I just had a pencil to use, I don't even have an eraser.

Today I thought I would get some proper pencils and such, but on the weekends only food stores are open and near me there aren't any stationary stuff. Maybe I will go to a bigger store later and check it out. The other option would be drawing with a pen, I have several black ones, but I am too scared to do that. :D Maybe if I get a proper pencil and eraser I will try to cover something with a pen and see what will come of it.

Anyway yes, maybe these drawings are super boring and no one is interested. These are basically doodles. At least I am holding a pencil again, haven't done it in a long time.

I had a dream at one point. That I would take some paper, coloured pencils and draw my parents for their birthdays. I still haven't burried that thought, but I need to practice a little bit.

Several of the people I know have posted their drawings on instagram and at the beginning, well, they weren't that great. But now, like half a year after posting the first ones, they have become so good! This is really awesome to see. But this means that learning to draw is possible on some level.

I am not gifted in drawing by no means. I have just attended art classes and art school all my life up to until I was 18. I haven't always enjoyed it either, but I think it has been useful. This is a nice hobby, it is calming and quite awesome. It is cool to see something you yourself have created, even if it is just a doodle. Or a bigger piece.

I am thinking that I really want to get watercolours and make something bigger. I should pop by some stores before Estonia goes to lockdown tomorrow. Or getting some acrylics would also be wuite nice I think. 

Anyway yes, I will show you a couple of my doodles. :D I don't know, I am kind of on abstract art kick and don't want to do anything realistic. I like to draw nothingness or places, I am not a fan out nature morts.

I think I will take this drawing as a bigger challenge and try and draw portraits at one point. Just to see how I will progress, because I am sure I will. And I will take pictures of every work to see how I evolve. Maybe I should make one bigger portrait every week and take a picture of it as well? But who will I draw? Myself? There are so many possibilities, haha. :D

I think that drawing from a picture is so much easier than drawing something in front of you in real life. Person moves a little, their expression changes etc. Drawing from a picture is so much easier. But yes, I shall try this thing.

I would really like to show you the picture from the last day first, because the first ones are reaaallly pointless. But no. I will show how I progressed. Even though these pictures really cannot be compared. :D First ones are absolute doodles, but towards the end of the challenge I tried to make something beautiful as well, hehe.

But now to the pictures (sorry abot the photo quality):

Day one

This is just a really random thingy because I felt like it. The words say "who am I". I don't really like drawing on the first page of the sketchbook so I just wanted to do something fast and get over with it. :D

I still don't know who I am. I am still lost. I don't know who I want to become or what is my purpose and every time I think I have found something, things just get all fucked up.

Recently it has been so difficult to be in my head and the corona thing is not helping at all. It is not advised to meet people so I am just sitting home alone, watching TV and doing nothing. It is disgustingly depressing.

I am writing this text here on Sunday evening and everything feels so heavy on my shoulders. Which brings me to my next picture.

Day two

I feel like I am carrying a mountain 24/7. And I wish these were things I could solve. If my room was messy, my desk was cluttered, something physical needed to be changed. Nothing like this. Everything is messy inside my brain and this weight is sooooo much, I don't know. I cannot even express it properly. I am not even in the mood to cry. Like, you are sad and have to keep existing and it is just so miserable.

I have asked people how they are normally feeling. Don't they have this... constant feel of sadness? Like, whatever I am doing and with whoever, I still have a part in my brain that yells "YOU ARE SAD, YOU ARE MISERABLE, EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS" in my head. And so I am dividing my attention between real life and these thoughts.

And these thoughts are so, so strong. I feel like it is especially so in the last few days and especially when I am home alone. It seems to be growing even stronger and it realllly upsets me. And like... I don't KNOW what to do. ARGH.

Day three

Everything felt so pointless on Saturday that I set my alarm for 7 pm and went to bed. And stared at the ceiling for two hours. I was so bored. Everything was so pointless. This picture shows my mood well. I really hoped to fall asleep to get rid of everything for a couple of hours, but I am not goot at napping. And I can't fall asleep without my medication. So yeah, that was pointless as well. I called to my sister to talk a little, but she was super busy and didn't have time for me. So now I am ranting in my blog, writing out everything that is bothering me.

Day four

I still didn't have proper drawing stuff, so I really didn't want to make something bigger.

Motu is so adorable and he is a good company. He seems to intuitively know, when I am having hard time. He keeps jumping onto my lap and sleeping here or he is just close by. Whenever I feel better, he spends his time in another room or something. But not right now.At first it was kind of irritating, he was just basically stuck to me, kept sleeping on my place on the coutch etc, but I understand now that he KNOWS I need the support and he is doing the best he can. Honestly, cats are really smart!

Day five

I am really proud of this pictures, hahaaa. I got some proper pencils, eraiser and sharpner and I thought I would try and make something more elaborate. I don't know it it looks like it though, because it took me quite a little time to make it. But I feel good about it. Like yay, see, I can do it if I set my mind to it.

I really do want to get to drawing people, but honestly, I tried to make something today and it was awful. Wasting of perfectly good paper if I am honest.

And I should try properly drawing Motu. Though I am scared. I don't want to be disappointet in myself, and I know I would, like today with the portrait. I promised to myself already that for a few days now I will only draw unknown plants and don't try to make anything more difficult. But I would kind of like to be good at everything right away. :D

Today I don't feel like drawing more, even though I don't have much to do. This cat picture took me about 45 minutes and time past SO FAST and I loved it, because I was BORED.

Have done some proper reading today as well, but the book I am currently reading is SOOO thick, haha. :D I am soon 1/3 through. But it is good at least.

I don't have any idea about what to do with my time, though I don't really want Monday to come, because I don't want to work. I am having such hard time recently and just thinking about work makes my head ache.

Talking about happier things - in the summer I will probably get rid of my braces, hurrah! I asked my dentist last time I saw her and she said that she is thinking summer. Next two times are deciding. I cannot wait. :D I will become such an amazing looking personthen! I hope we can then go out again as well, because I want to show off my new clothes and smile. :D

Braces have cost me about 3000 euros up until now, but when I look at myself, I am so pleased. Even with braces I can smile now (though no one sees my smile through the mask, haha :D), but I want them gone. And omg, I will be able to wear lipstick!

I finally got where I wanted to be. I wanted to become more positive with this post. I decided that I will write about anything until this awful feeling is gone. It is not over yet, but I feel much better.

I don't really want to talk about weight this time, but the pictures I posted at the beginning are messing with my head. It is hard. Yes, very hard. I have been out of the hospital for a year and a few months? And it is still so hard I want to cry. I don't know why my brain isn't changing already and why things are not getting easier. This annoys me so much. But yeah, I will write about this more in the future.

When my friend came over and we had the pizza night, we talked about not having anything to do and to waste time, we go out for walks. Like... I used to have hobbies. Where have they gone?

For example I used to watch a lot of films and even anime. At the moment I am not doing this at all, because I feel like I can't focus for that long. It is much easier to watch Youtube videos, becuse in general they are not that long and when I don't like something, I can pick another one. So yeah, I am not really a fan of watching TV. Yesterday I took a look around in Netflix and I thought that oh, maybe I should watch this or that, but then I checked how long it is and decided that I don't have enough energy for that. And I didn't want it to play on the background either, because it would be such a waste. Only thing I have sort of managed to watch is My Kitchen Rules, but this also annoys me, because they always repeat the episodes and I have seen them already. :D

Then... I used to attend a choir practice. But I don't think starting to sing at home randomly would be a nice thing to do (even though in the last place I lived, there was a girl who was an opera singer and I could hear her practicing all the time). But yeah, that is a no from me.

I have never been a dancer and honestly even thinking about it makes me embarrassed. I have turned on some music more loudly and done some steps, but as soon as I do it, I pause the music and sit back down. This is not for me!

What else? I used to read a lot. I read one a day or was awake half of the night in order to read. But at the moment I don't have enough patience, attention and I am just not feeling like it. It just seems so boring. And like... a waste of time, even though it isn't. Because is watching Youtube better?! Also I should contact the magazine I ordered as I have not received my January one. I just saw that they took money from my account but I still haven't gotten it. But yeah, considering me, I wouldn't even read it.

In addition to these things, a big role in my life has sport. I used to love (and still do) running and all kinds of group workouts, but this is not possible at the moment. It is slippery and cold outside and I don't have proper gear to run.

Also, I would like to, I don't know, learn languages or something. But all kinds of group things are paused due to corona. It is depressing. Today I came to the office simply to get out of the house, because I feel I will go mad at home.

Anyway, considering all this, I go for walks a lot. Like yesterday I walked to the one shopping center THREE times. Firstly in the morning to buy some decorations for home (which I think is really pretty, hahaa :D).

Then later I thought I will make kimchi-tofu-mushroom soup as I just came across a recipe and I decided to go and buy some kimchi. And all of the kimchi was gone. I was really upsed because I really wanted that soup. Oh well.

And then in the evening I was like... I should go to the store and get some soya yoghurt. Even though I still have half a tub of coconut yoghurt and I planned to have porridge for breakfast anyway. But I STILL went outside and walked to the store, I just couldn't keep still and I was sooooo bored.

When I get home it was still quite some time until dinner, there was nothing on the TV and I was bored of the computer. So I finally picked up my scrapbook and started one for 2021! It was kind of nice to work on it, but as I don't have printed out pictures, I couldn't really do much. I should look at the photos I have taken and send them to be printed out.

It was kind of calming. I had a weird feeling all day and a bit of anxiety, so it was nice to have some time for myself. I had some tea on the side and just wrote stuff down. It was really nice. But at the same time I still felt like "ugh I don't feel like doing it". I pushed it aside, but it still was on my mind. :S I don't know if scrapbooking is called a hobby, but it is a nice activity that I do on my free time so I guess? I don't know.

We will see what I do next. I guess I should take this list of things and try all the activities, maybe I like somethign again. Is this what depression is, just laying on bed or on a sofa and stare at the ceiling? Honestly, I would even pick an obsession right now, like Korean music used to be. Because I am just... so... bored.

But it was nice that on Saturday a couple of friends and a relative came over. They brought me so many things. ;_; A lot of vegan products, but also something interesting, for example NATO parcel CAN OF BREAD?! This was weird, haha. :D But well, I can say that I am ready for a zombie apocalypse.

Also, what else - blogging is a hobby as well. Yep, this is probably the only thing I have done constantly and feel like doing. :D

Bullet journaling is also kind of the same. You make some pretty decorations and can do habit tracking and mood tracking and so on. It is interesting to see. I try and do something every day, but on some days I still skip. 

Mmmmmm I am thinking what else I did at the hospital. I solved sudokus! And drew! And... solved puzzles, coloured... but in general I just wasted time. I don't know, this walking around makes me feel good. The act of moving. It soothes my nerves and lets me think, like usually I make plans about blogposts or something. Anyway, all in all I want to say that if you want to go for a walk, tell me and let's do it together. :D I always need to have a goal when I go for a walk, especially when I am alone. And usually it is a store. Because I just can't walk around aimlessly. With someone it is fine, but I almost always go for a walk alone.

Yes, I don't keep my walking at the minimum any more, because I have gained quite a bit of weight. And I can allow myself to use some energy. To feel good. And I eat so much, I never walk off all the calories I consume. So yeah, thins are progressing... somehow.

Today I have my psychologist appointment and I am scared of it. And not because I have lost weight, the opposite. I have gained TOO MUCH from the last visit. Like a lot. Several kilos. :S When will things be alright?

At the moment my main problems are: disinterest, boredom, need to move, short attention span, depression, eating too much.

Like I felt SO hungry on one night. I had had all my meals and snacks and then I still kept eating and eating and in the end I went to sleep crying. At 8 pm. Because I thought I will never stop. This really scared me. Later I understood that it was because I was restricting a bit during the week. This is a dead sycle.

I have taken my sweet time with writing this post, but finally today, when my mood is awful due to doctor visit and I feel like a failure of a patient, I am writing this. :D (Actually this is translation from my Estonian blog, I had my doctor's appointment on Thursday.)

At the hospital we had a chance to take part in art therapy classes, where we could make whatever we wanted (though sometimes there were topics or we did something together). I took pictures of all my work (not good quality, I am sorry) and decided to write about them a little.

The first one is called Wish and it shows how I want to get well. Because the things that I have... depression, eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, suicidal thoughts - is sickness. And I don't wish this upon anyone.  I like how this picture came out. I used gel pen and watercolours and my own fingers. :D



This was the one where we had a topic - your life's mandala. Moods, present and past. I don't know if it is understandable, but for me everything started on the left side - pretty, colourful. Then came the breaking point, but now I hope to become better, to grow and maybe even bloom. But this is a goal that is still very far away.



I had super detailed colouring book and this made me want to make something detailed as well. This is not finished, obviously, but I kind of like it.



I used different materials to make some flowers. I think it looks a bit like a handmade card.



I really loved that we could use all different kinds of materials, magazines, glues, washi tapes, stickers, watercolours and so on.



This should be my sad version of Gustav Klimt's Tree of Life. I guess it is something. :D It was, however, made within like 5 minutes or so.



Falling stars. I don't remember making this picture, but I think it was towards the end of the class and I still had some colours left, so I made this sketch. But hey, somethimes sketches are the most important. While making those you don't have to think about anything and if you end up with something, something that has an idea, it is maybe cool. If I had to have my own campaign for some reason, then my slogan would be MORE SKETCHES!



Well now then with this picture there is a funny story. I have NO IDEA why and when and where I made this. I was actually concerned that the therapist gave me someone else's work, until I noticed my own name. Nice job, ECT! There are still days where I find out that I have forgotten something. For example I didn't remember that I had shown Silja all of these pictures when we came home from the hospital.



This was made right before I made the Klimt's copy and probably does not need to be introduced. I just figured I'd try. Somewhy I was thinking about Doctor Who and Vincent is still, I think, the best episode and often makes me tear up.



Something simple, yet clear. I really loved watercolours. I don't really remember making this as well. Kind of seems amiliar, but I don't know if I actually remember it or I think that I remember it. Weird to explain.



Patterns. Patterns patterns patterns. I just wanted to make so many pieces with patterns. I didn't even have a point. Actually these kind of pictures are kind of nice because you don't think of anything, you just let your hands do what they want and your mind can be empty.



A year. I wanted to make something else the way I made the first "Wish" picture. I think it came out rather cool.



Bubbles. Thought bubbles. Soap bubbles. I don't even know. Maybe this expresses how thanks to ECT I started to get my emotions back, but they could just pop any time at any small thing. Like soap bubble that floats, until it lands on someone, on the floor or against the wall.



Another mandala thingy. We didn't have any rulers or stuff, so this is just made with my own hand and gel pen.



While making this I thought how I am trying to break free, but can't seem to succeed. How I am drowned by my depression, how I am barely visible. Barely, but that is something. I am afraid that actually I am back at the place where I was, but I think I understand my illness and myself a little more. Does it make any sense? Maybe not, but for me, it does. The main thing is that I am still really. really bad. I even hate writing positive sentences here.



Dark thoughts. Because there are. They come and go and next to them there are also good and positive and beautiful and colourful thoughts and ideas and emotions, but at the same time... a few days ago I wondered what I would say in my farewell letter. At the same time I understood that this is not okay. This is dark thought. And I need to get over it. It needs to be re-painted. I need to program myself to overwrite it. This time I managed.



Faceless. Because this is how I feel every single time when someone asks how I am doing, how I am managing, how I am feeling, what is bothering me. Complete emptiness. Even my face has disappeared, because I have no answers. It is like static on TV, when you pick a non-existen channel.



For some reason this means a lot to me. Life circles. I made it during my individual art therapy, which my doctor had me do after hearing that I like art. In this, there are all my years from my birth up to now. I drew what and when happened. It would be difficult to write it all down here, but while crying, I told it all to the therapist. I don't think any other piece I made helped me as much as this one.



Bottled emotions. Because I feel like most of my emotions are bottled up inside me. I can't access them, not to mention share them with others. I know that there is happiness and sadness in me, there is excitement in me. There is love and there are tears. There is euphoria, there is melancholy. But I don't feel them. They just are. Like in a bottle, separated from the world. You can see them, but not touch them.



This was the very first thing in my first art therapy class. I also had a nightmare of this piece; it was ready in my dream, but kept getting smaller and smaller and emptier. It was disturbing and I have no idea what it meant. I think I would call it... Path.



Again I wanted to make something detailed, at the same time thinking of someone. Is it abnormal of me? I feel that it is, but I don't feel bad relating this to a person. Confused.



This is another very very important picture. Me. What is happening in my head. What is happening in me, what I am. When am I in charge and when not? At least I know now what I am fighting against.



Helping hands. Because everyone are helping me. Everyone around me are understanding and good and I have no idea why I am taken such good care of. Did I save the world in my past life?



Helping hands in a sense that they keep me together from falling into pieces.



During this one I thought about guided meditation, which I also would like to write about at some point. Anyway, after regular breathing exercises we had this short "imagination hike" where in one we took a hot air balloon out for a ride and in another one we went swimming in the sea. This was my interpretation.



What now. What comes next? What is important, what do I want, what I like, what I love, what I aim for, what happens now?

Congrats if you made it to the end!

At one point art therapy was too little, so I started to make some sketches on my own. This portrays the thing where I am doing my tea challenge, and it is one of my favourite pictures. I also recognize myself on this picture, as I felt like drained and used teabag a lot of the time.


I wouldn't maybe say I cried all the time in my mind; I would rather say that my thoughts were cloudy and dark.


This is how I felt most of the time. Later it came to my attention that my blood had too little iron, which causes shortness of breath, which I had. So depression + lack of iron = panic. I think others may recognize themselves here as well, for example one of the caretakers who always seemed super positive, said she saw herself on the picture.


I feel like I now slept to make up for all these nights I only got a few hours. And I still felt tired a lot. But for depression, sleep is just as necessary as cup of sweet tea or some lighter sedative. I still find it difficult to draw faces, I wish I was better.... I know I used to be better at it, but at the moment I don't have enough patience for it as well.


Also another just a daily picture. I think that as much as I slept I also cried. Especially at nights. And it was not a rare occasion where my roommate tried to calm me down, because I was straight up hysterical. Rain-focused drawings were very "in", and I think the one on the right shows well how depression also brings worrying and paranoia etc. And then you feel that instead of protecting yourself, you are generating worries.


Head in clouds. I feel like this was somewhat a better day. Listen to your heart as you listen to music. Catching the stars and living with your head in clouds. I wish these days were more regular visitors. I don't know if I actually was in better mood, but maybe... Somewhy I love the clouds picture. Clouds are there, but it is not raining yet.


For this I dunno what to say. Maybe "I tried to use only lines and I cannot draw hands" or "I felt trapped and only pulling my hair helped, and it was weird. It felt like there was white nothingness around me and nothing helps me to feel things thank this - t least there is physical pain and you know you exist." Take it or leave it.


I wanna be cool and deap person and say that this picture shows eating disorder well. I didn't actually think that I am affected by media, but to think about it... TV and magazines are FULL of diets. After christmas - diet. New year - diet. Summer is comind - diet. Diet, DIEt, DIET. But okay, It is just a sketch.


This picture does not even have a story. I just were sketching some plants in order to figure out new look for my bullet journal and also wanted to draw something related to tea (because the first tea picture is my favourite), but I wasn't really into drawing people. So there is this weird... table there :'D.


Stripes and friends, sketch-me and sketch-friend. I dunno, it just felt like a cool style to try. My journal, where I just wrote rants down and drew in also got this picture, because I really liked it. You don't always have to have some big and important topic for drawings.

With music, I got this weird sense that I couldn't "just" enjoy it. I was really stuck in writing reviews and always started to analyse stuff. But you can listen to music just for listening. So you can draw just for the act of drawing, too.


If anyone would like to know how I felt at the hospital around 99% of the time. Here you go: portrait of Signe.


Sometimes I wish I could silence my mind. Sometimes I wish I could silence myself in order not to complain or rant at others. Sometimes I wish I could manage my emotions, I wish the outside world was quiet.


Cats were in and one of the caretakers was complaining at the lack of colourful pictures (the same who got the hospitalized cloud picture). I made something colourful, then. For Motu!


I made picture of Van Gogh in art therapy (next post about art will be art therapy one) and as my second huge favourite is Gustav Klimt, I wanted to make his Tree of Life, in some way. It is literally a silly sketch, I don't even know why I decided to add it here. Maybe to show how not always stuff works out? Maybe.


Example of me when the doctor or psychologist or nurse asked, how I am feeling. I did not know. I don't even know now. This is the most difficult thing you can ask from someone suffering from depression. I don't want to immediately complain, it would be polite to say "fine", but at the same time you are at the hospital, where you HAVE to say what is baf. So all of this is one huge confusing I don't know.


I still cannot draw any faces, but... Anyway, I guess this just shows an emotion I had, where it was a bit difficult to cope with stuff. Again.


Okay, so here is a face. But it is not regular. I had some thing with different coloured parts like this, so... For example the previous cat picture was similarly made. Now, to think about it, one could say that every colour is different feeling and the stripes are a way to try and fit them inside the boundaries, but it did not work out. It is what it is, it is something.


This is a real "work of art", with an actual thought but into it. Mulgi area of Estonia was looking for logo, so I took a wolf-like creature and bridge motives. After making this I read the terms and conditions and you were supposed to make the thing in photoshop and make example documents and all that. Impossible for me, as I have no computer art skill. But I liked having a topic.


Again this emptiness that is and does not leave and just goes through me and which you can't see but what you would like to show. It is difficult to show that I am ill, when I don't have anything to physically show. I wish... somehow... Maybe write it onto my forehead? Or make a shirt? I bet Awstuffi has a good idea for it.


And the first sketch I made at home!

So... until next time then, I guess?