Ideally I would really sketch someone for a few minutes every evening as Ingrid suggested in the comments, but I feel like before doing that I need some practice. So I took five days and drew something on every single day. I am really out of practice, haha. :D Also I don't really have proper drawing equipment at home (don't ask why, but they are at work), so I just had a pencil to use, I don't even have an eraser.

Today I thought I would get some proper pencils and such, but on the weekends only food stores are open and near me there aren't any stationary stuff. Maybe I will go to a bigger store later and check it out. The other option would be drawing with a pen, I have several black ones, but I am too scared to do that. :D Maybe if I get a proper pencil and eraser I will try to cover something with a pen and see what will come of it.

Anyway yes, maybe these drawings are super boring and no one is interested. These are basically doodles. At least I am holding a pencil again, haven't done it in a long time.

I had a dream at one point. That I would take some paper, coloured pencils and draw my parents for their birthdays. I still haven't burried that thought, but I need to practice a little bit.

Several of the people I know have posted their drawings on instagram and at the beginning, well, they weren't that great. But now, like half a year after posting the first ones, they have become so good! This is really awesome to see. But this means that learning to draw is possible on some level.

I am not gifted in drawing by no means. I have just attended art classes and art school all my life up to until I was 18. I haven't always enjoyed it either, but I think it has been useful. This is a nice hobby, it is calming and quite awesome. It is cool to see something you yourself have created, even if it is just a doodle. Or a bigger piece.

I am thinking that I really want to get watercolours and make something bigger. I should pop by some stores before Estonia goes to lockdown tomorrow. Or getting some acrylics would also be wuite nice I think. 

Anyway yes, I will show you a couple of my doodles. :D I don't know, I am kind of on abstract art kick and don't want to do anything realistic. I like to draw nothingness or places, I am not a fan out nature morts.

I think I will take this drawing as a bigger challenge and try and draw portraits at one point. Just to see how I will progress, because I am sure I will. And I will take pictures of every work to see how I evolve. Maybe I should make one bigger portrait every week and take a picture of it as well? But who will I draw? Myself? There are so many possibilities, haha. :D

I think that drawing from a picture is so much easier than drawing something in front of you in real life. Person moves a little, their expression changes etc. Drawing from a picture is so much easier. But yes, I shall try this thing.

I would really like to show you the picture from the last day first, because the first ones are reaaallly pointless. But no. I will show how I progressed. Even though these pictures really cannot be compared. :D First ones are absolute doodles, but towards the end of the challenge I tried to make something beautiful as well, hehe.

But now to the pictures (sorry abot the photo quality):

Day one

This is just a really random thingy because I felt like it. The words say "who am I". I don't really like drawing on the first page of the sketchbook so I just wanted to do something fast and get over with it. :D

I still don't know who I am. I am still lost. I don't know who I want to become or what is my purpose and every time I think I have found something, things just get all fucked up.

Recently it has been so difficult to be in my head and the corona thing is not helping at all. It is not advised to meet people so I am just sitting home alone, watching TV and doing nothing. It is disgustingly depressing.

I am writing this text here on Sunday evening and everything feels so heavy on my shoulders. Which brings me to my next picture.

Day two

I feel like I am carrying a mountain 24/7. And I wish these were things I could solve. If my room was messy, my desk was cluttered, something physical needed to be changed. Nothing like this. Everything is messy inside my brain and this weight is sooooo much, I don't know. I cannot even express it properly. I am not even in the mood to cry. Like, you are sad and have to keep existing and it is just so miserable.

I have asked people how they are normally feeling. Don't they have this... constant feel of sadness? Like, whatever I am doing and with whoever, I still have a part in my brain that yells "YOU ARE SAD, YOU ARE MISERABLE, EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS" in my head. And so I am dividing my attention between real life and these thoughts.

And these thoughts are so, so strong. I feel like it is especially so in the last few days and especially when I am home alone. It seems to be growing even stronger and it realllly upsets me. And like... I don't KNOW what to do. ARGH.

Day three

Everything felt so pointless on Saturday that I set my alarm for 7 pm and went to bed. And stared at the ceiling for two hours. I was so bored. Everything was so pointless. This picture shows my mood well. I really hoped to fall asleep to get rid of everything for a couple of hours, but I am not goot at napping. And I can't fall asleep without my medication. So yeah, that was pointless as well. I called to my sister to talk a little, but she was super busy and didn't have time for me. So now I am ranting in my blog, writing out everything that is bothering me.

Day four

I still didn't have proper drawing stuff, so I really didn't want to make something bigger.

Motu is so adorable and he is a good company. He seems to intuitively know, when I am having hard time. He keeps jumping onto my lap and sleeping here or he is just close by. Whenever I feel better, he spends his time in another room or something. But not right now.At first it was kind of irritating, he was just basically stuck to me, kept sleeping on my place on the coutch etc, but I understand now that he KNOWS I need the support and he is doing the best he can. Honestly, cats are really smart!

Day five

I am really proud of this pictures, hahaaa. I got some proper pencils, eraiser and sharpner and I thought I would try and make something more elaborate. I don't know it it looks like it though, because it took me quite a little time to make it. But I feel good about it. Like yay, see, I can do it if I set my mind to it.

I really do want to get to drawing people, but honestly, I tried to make something today and it was awful. Wasting of perfectly good paper if I am honest.

And I should try properly drawing Motu. Though I am scared. I don't want to be disappointet in myself, and I know I would, like today with the portrait. I promised to myself already that for a few days now I will only draw unknown plants and don't try to make anything more difficult. But I would kind of like to be good at everything right away. :D

Today I don't feel like drawing more, even though I don't have much to do. This cat picture took me about 45 minutes and time past SO FAST and I loved it, because I was BORED.

Have done some proper reading today as well, but the book I am currently reading is SOOO thick, haha. :D I am soon 1/3 through. But it is good at least.

I don't have any idea about what to do with my time, though I don't really want Monday to come, because I don't want to work. I am having such hard time recently and just thinking about work makes my head ache.

Talking about happier things - in the summer I will probably get rid of my braces, hurrah! I asked my dentist last time I saw her and she said that she is thinking summer. Next two times are deciding. I cannot wait. :D I will become such an amazing looking personthen! I hope we can then go out again as well, because I want to show off my new clothes and smile. :D

Braces have cost me about 3000 euros up until now, but when I look at myself, I am so pleased. Even with braces I can smile now (though no one sees my smile through the mask, haha :D), but I want them gone. And omg, I will be able to wear lipstick!

I finally got where I wanted to be. I wanted to become more positive with this post. I decided that I will write about anything until this awful feeling is gone. It is not over yet, but I feel much better.

I don't really want to talk about weight this time, but the pictures I posted at the beginning are messing with my head. It is hard. Yes, very hard. I have been out of the hospital for a year and a few months? And it is still so hard I want to cry. I don't know why my brain isn't changing already and why things are not getting easier. This annoys me so much. But yeah, I will write about this more in the future.