I Won't Quote: depression

Panic and anxiety

I don't know why, but recently I feel realli anxious. This panic in Tartu and now during Midsummer's day... I feel like I need to do something about it.

Like on one day I wanted to go to the gym. I got home, stopped by the store on the way and all, and then I figured I would go and spend like half an hour at the gym, doing something on the machines and firgure out some dumbbell stuff, because it was quite later and I would want to come home soon.

And then when I left home, it started. This weird feeling. I worried that there was going to be a fire at home. And like, I don't know, it was so random. Then on the way to the gym I even thought about turning around and going back home to check. Which I didn't do in the end. As soon as I got to the gym, this weeling becaome worse and I really thought something had happened at home. I even checked the news on my phone to see if there was a fire reported???? So weord. I tried to talk myself out of going home and even sent a message to my sister, but nothing helped. So in the end I went back home after 15 minutes spent at the gym. And OF COURSE everything was fine at home!

I felt really bad, because I really would have liked to work out some more, I just had so much good energy and all. I felt like I wanted to cry and my head was spinning, I just felt so disgustingly awful. And even when I got home, I didn't really calm down, I was just upset at myself then. Because I was in panic for no reason at all and I wasted so much time. -.-

I have had this weird panic since the fire safety lecture at work. I mentioned this in one of my earlier posts as well. But yeah, at one point I was over it, but now it is back. Even going to the store for a second stresses me out a lot.

I have a psychologist appointment soon, so I will probably talk about this. I will see if my psychiatrist is also around, I would like to talk to him about my meds and stuff. The dosage and everything is in question. I guess he will say I will never be free of them, but I want to know his thoughts on the topic. He usually just prescribes meds for half a year and that's that. :D Which is like, yeah, cool, but does it really help me?

I will try and calm down, at the moment I feel a bit worried about my flat still. Even thought I KNOW nithing bad can happen. I checked the stove for 10 times, I locked all the doors and windows, but there is still some anxiety. It is just so weird, because usually my anxiety is food or health based, but now it is about being away from home. :S I just don't know what to do with it.

Today there is also some added stress as I have yet again gained some weight. A lot, actually. More than it seems possible. And then I feel really uncomfortables, my thighs get on my nerves and I HATE when they rub agains each other. At the moment I am just thinking about wanting to DIE. But like, I am not going to do anything about my weight. I just love food too much.

At work on another day we had a two kinds of cake, it was hard. More difficult than usually, probably because of my weight in the morning. And I can't walk today, I have to go straight home, because my sister and her friend are coming over to see if they would like any of my clothes I don't wear anymore.

And tomorrow I am busy, we are going to a friend's place to chill with people. Then I also have something on Friday, plans for Saturday, not to mention Sunday. My social calendar is too full, I feel like I am going to explode. I need some time for myself. But at the same time I don't want to cancel anything, because who knows when I will have another opportunity to do those things? Probably not for a while, if not ever. Or I will be actually busy on another time. Like next weekend we are celebrating my Grandma's birthday, then I won't be in Tallinn at all. So yeah, I need to use all the opportunities I have been given. But it is just SO-SSOOOO difficult!

–

My psychologist taught me some breathing exercises and some thinking frames to follow when I feel panic-y or anxious. I think that I won't remember whem when I need them, but at least I know there is something I can probably do. I think that it would be good to experience this panic now, then I could practice or something. :D Though I don't think it is wise to hope that, as I don't want to feel bad.

Anyway, yesterday at friend's place, it was super nice. I felt really down all day, but this gave me new energy.

Finally this dress fits me. But seriously, who has a birthday party at 1 pm outside, when it is 33 degrees?! :D

There has been many things going on while I have written this post, like this was on Grandma's birtdhay. I also baked two big kringels, one cheesy one and one cranberry-marzipan one.

And of course I overate. And I drank too much. And in general, it is difficult to live. But at the same time I was sure I was going to have a lot of panic the next day. Because I usually do, I have this ovewhelming anxiety after a party, and I was prepared for it, which is why I probably didn't have it as much. On Sunday moring I felt a little anxious still, but not as much as has happened before. And this small anxiety also passed quite fast, it was so amazing. I didn't have to cry and whinge about feeling so bad, I managed it all on my own.

On the next day we also went back to my Grandma's place, we sat outside and had some leftovers. I tried Marta Pagar's vegan shaslik, but I will write about it on the review post.

We had so many cakes, thus I had four. And some more kringel. At night when we got home from Viljandi, I felt like I really couldn't eat anything, but I still did it. And today morning my weight had gone up a lot. Anyway, I had a proper breakfast and I wasn't really bothered. I think I will remember it at one point during the day and get all the nasty emotions with it, but at least today morning I just shrugged and thought it didn't matter?! It was really stange. :D Especially as I had just complained to a friend about feeling guilty and these feelings never leaving me.

I just think that after all kinds of events I shouldn't really weigh myself. Because I just make myself upset. But I am curious at the same time...

Aaa, also when I left my Grandma's, then my aunt and someone else told me I should still gain a couple of kilos. And then I said that I am having a pint of ice cream every night, to which they said that this is already unhealthy. Thanks.

Actually I am not angry, it doesn't affect me as much any more. At the time it is maybe difficult to hear, but I know people don't mean things in a bad way and sometimes they are trying to make jokes.

Also I have been really bothered before, when my Grandma has commented on my weight. She usually says something like "you have gotten so big" or something, but this time she just said that I look so much better and this comment was so sweet.

She also received the card I sent her and said I never fail to surprise her, hehe. It was so sweet and I love sending her things sometimes.

I took a really easy day yesterday, I think I walked about 2000 steps maxiumum, but I wasn't bothered by it. I was just tired and thought that I didn't really feel like going for a walk. And past two days I also haven't done almost any walking, so it is good I had just challenged this not walking for a day.

I would like to go to the gym today, but honestly I don't know if I have time. I have a thought, but I shall see when I a m getting home etc. I don't know what to make for dinner either. I don't know if I want anything sweet or savoury. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should have porridge three times a day again, because this would be so good. :D Also yesterday I wrote to my sister when I was going to a store, asking what the heck should I make. And then I told her, I would like a porridge, to be honest, haha. :D

But yeah, I don't know what to do with this panic and anxiety. Should I look into it more and maybe ask for extra meds? Because these few times when I was in Tartu and also after Midsummer's, I have been too anxious and it has been pretty awful. And when I get this panic attack at work, it is extra bad. Yes, breathing is nice and all, but it just doesn't cut it.

How do you deal with bad thoughts?

Are you a breather, or do you use any other helpful tips?

What the heck should I make for dinner?

Also on Friday I am finally planning to have food related challenge, but it may still change. :D I just have an idea, maybe I can actually do it at some point, too.

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, by Signe

Completely normal

So I went to Tartu in the end, on Friday. I thought that I will use this thing where I plan coming back earlier on a Saturday, as my psychologist suggested... well, I made it home at 5 on Sunday. So I stayed for two nights.

Because I felt so normal. This small trip showed me that normal life is possible. Honestly, it was weird. I am not used to this feeling. Especially because last couple of weeks have been really depressive for me and I already told to my psychologist that I want to start taking higher dose of my meds, because I just cannot handle life. I don't know, maybe thanks to having bad time previously, these few days felt so good? My mum said I need to try and hold on to this, especially now on the next day as work is starting again etc. I will try and do my best.

On Friday I took the bus at 9am and went to Tartu. As I got there, I took a cup of coffee in a cafe and then went to some stores plus I walked along the river. Then I went to my relative's workplace and waited until her shift ended. Then we went to her place. Zero pressure. Zero guilt. Zero worries.

Later we went to town to eat something. Went to a place called Uulits and picked burgers and fries. I also had a glass of wine. No problem. Burger was really good and it was so nice to eat it now, without braces. It was so nice, and so much fun. I also finally tried this Beyond Meat burger patty and it was really next level from regular vegan burgers. Even though I like those as well, but to get this real burger experience was exciting. :D It was difficult to pick a place for dinner, but my relative was really nice and we literally went to EVERY place in old town before I made a decision, haha. :D So I still have difficult time with deciding on things. :D

Then we just chilled, had some drinks (we were in a place called Vein ja vine, which was awesome), talked to some people and so on. Cheese board in a cafe? Done. Wrap in the middle of the night from a petrol station? Done. We went home and got to sleep at like 3 am. And in the morning we got up around 9:30.

Honestly, I opened my eyes and thought that I will not get up. Hangover was there. But I just rested a little more and it passed. We chatted for a while and tried to come up with a place to go and have breakfast at.

We went to Kolm Tilli, I got scrambled eggs with spinach, avocado mash, sourdough bread and a lot of fried mushrooms. And cafe latte. And I enjoyed every bite. But what was the most important - I didn't think of food all the time. We chatted, met up with another person and we just enjoyed life. I had some ice cream as well. Best vegan ice cream I have ever had. With coconut and salted caramel. Amazing. And despite everything I felt so GOOD.

Then we went back home for a moment and later walked to the river, tested out the water and just strolled. We also visited my other relatives who have yound children. I had a coffee. Had some homemade ice cream. Thought that I should plan going back to Tallinn and then suddenly I come out with: hey, I am going to stay another night. :D If I had gone back in the evening, I would have made it home at like 2 am or something, so it seemed more reasonable to go home the next day instead. I planned to go at around 10 in the morning, but that plan failed.

In the evening we went to eat out again (best Chinese EVER, I had crispy vegetables in chilli-honey sauce, like sweet spicy chicken, but veggie version and it was SO GOOD. My last Chinese experience was frozen veggies in soy sauce at Chopsticks, after that I have avoided Chinese places :D), then we went home, made some tea and sat on the rooftop, snacking on some radishes.

We just talked for a long time and I had this Reality Check game with me, we went through the cards and tried to devide them between us. :D It was kind of funny. We told each other stories contacted to the cards, like if there was "the most suspicious person", then one of us told a story about when we felt we were weird etc. :D We also showed each other pictures and videos we had in our phones and time just passed super fast. Suddenly it was almost 1 am and we finally decided to get some sleep. It had gotten a bit cooler outside as well, so we were enjoying it a lot. We had all the windows open and it was soooo nice. :D

The next morning we woke up around the same time and made some pancakes. While I was still laying down, I felt it - really bad anxiety. Like, it was wild. I was tense all over, my heart beat super fast and my mouth was dry. I couldn't think clearly, my thoughts were all over the place and I felt nauseous. Not the hangover feeling, it was just really really bad panic. I really thought I was going to die. I haven't felt like this in a really long time. And I didn't know what to do. But at the same time it was good that I wasn't at home alone, because then I would have lost myself inside my head and breaking free would have been much more difficult.

But then I remembered that I forgot to take my medication yesterday and as soon as I took it, in an hour I was completely fine. We had pancakes, both savoury and sweet. I have been wanting pancakes for suuuuucch a long time, so this was perfect. :D I also got to drink NATO emergency food back coffee, it was weird. Looked like a tea bag. :D But it was fine. We talked to my relative's mum and talked to her. We just chilled. Talked a lot about our trips, life and so on. We caught up on all the things we had missed out while we didn't talk for years. We remembered all the old times. And then finally at around 2 pm I took the bus home.

My psychologist told me that when I feel negative, there is an uncomfortable situation or I start to regret my decision, I should think about something good, focus on something else, do the exercise that helps me to stay in present.

But like... I didn't need that. I think there was something that came over me, something called FEELING GOOD. I felt so light, as if I was reborn and I was just like ?????? at myself all the time, because I really felt something other than negative emotions. I was at peace.

I talked to my mum a lot about it when I got home and she just said that normal people feel like this. Is this possible?! Is it really possible not to worry, not to want to kill yourself, not to thing dark thoughts, not to regret things you have done, not to want to CRY ALL THE TIME? Could I really be normal?

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, by Signe

In braces, dentist

My braces story

I think my braces story starts when I was about 14-15. Then I discovered that my teeth were crooked and bother me when I am eating, I always had to bite in a certain way and also my gums looked terrible. All the dentists I saw kept telling me that they weren't bad enough to get free braces.

When I was still 18 and had free dental care, they still kept saying the same.

When I turned 20 and free dental care ended, all the dentists were surprised that I hadn't gotten braces. Okay. This made me really upset. I guess they know better? I don't know, I used to think I was fine, but I always went to the dentist in my hometown and the quality there wasn't the best. At least I have heard many stories that say so. Okay, what's next?

When I was around 20-21, I got the moulds taken from my teeth, but my parents didn't have enough money to help me get braces. I saved up for a really long time, years and years.

Now later I have realised that my eating disorder also kind of sprung into action due to my teeth. I could change everything about myself - my haircut, my eyes, my clothing style and... my weight. I thought that as I was too poor to get braces, maybe I can make myself more likeable when I weighed less. Then I started getting compliments and comments about that and no one cared about my teeth anymore.

People have always told me that my teeth weren't that bad, that they never noticed them etc. But it just made me sooooo unsure of myself. I had a huge block in talking to new peoplr, I never wanted to talk when someone was taking pictures, I was always the one listening not talking. I just felt disgusting. I cried so much about that. :D Like honestly, it was so difficult and hard.

Then in 2018 I thought that okay, that is enough. I will look up a little about braces. I read a blog about braces and learned about a company called Maxilla. I read a lot of reviews and finally made a plan that yes, I will get my teeth sorted out there. I sent them a mail and asked for an appointment, which would have been... 2021 summer. Nice wait.

Then around 2019 summer the called me and told me that they have a free time in autumn, as someone cancelled their appintment. Would I want that? Of course!

I spent some time at the hospitals and almost forgot about my appointment. Also it appeared that I needed to fix a lof of teeth before gettinf braces, I needed to get rid of my wisdom teeth etc. But I was ready to do it and this is how my journey started. And in 2020 February I finally got braces.

And this time has been really difficult. I had to ware some rubber bands that always got on the way or I lost them. My teeth were aching each time after seeing the doctor, not to mention the money I had to spend. But as soon as I got braces, I already got much more confident. Because finally people saw I was working on fixing my teeth! Yes, I didn't like being on the pictures with braces, because they were big and annoying, but I still started to talk to new people more and get over this block I had with communicating.

It was shocking to see how fast my teeth changed. :D At one point I did wonder why did I have to wear the braces for so long, if I could already see the result. :D But yeah, this journey was long.

And now finally I am free from braces! Every time I pass a mirror I stop and look at my teeth and smile a lot. I would like to walk with my mouth hanging open all the time. I want people to see my smile. Finally sayings like "smile!" and "you have a nice smile" don't make me upset. This seems like something positive. Like... it has been a huge change. Both mentally and physically.

My journey is not over yet, as I have to wear the invisalign things that are really annoying. Also there are wires behind my teeth that stay there and help me not lose my nice smile. I am not used to them yet, but I hope it passes soon. Actually getting used to these things happen quite fast.

I wanted to write a lot longer post and explain things more, but... I just wanted to say that I am happy with the result and it was worth it!

When someone says my teeth wasn't crooked - I couldn't even eat normally.

On Thursday I had my psychologist appointment, where I just cried. Everything was just too much and I don't want to exist. It is difficult to live like this. We did some breathing exercises together and then she made me drink water, because it was really hot and I did cry a lot.

We came to a realisation that I have trouble with making decisions. I always want to make the "right" choice. But what is it? She said that with every choice, there is something I like and something I don't. This can't be helped. It is not possible to make a right choice and everything turn out to be perfect. It just isn't.

I wondered for a long time if I should go to my relative's place in Tartu or let myself be alone. Because I wanted both. And I know that if I go, I will definitely think at least once that I wish that I was home alone, but if I don't go, I will regret it.

Anyway, my doctor said that this would be a good exercise. Like even if I get negative thoughts, I can bring myself back to reality and be grateful for what is important. I will see someone close to me, I can talk, I see some of Estonia, I get outside etc. And I need to focus on these things.

I still don't feel any emotions. Or like, if I do, they are mostly negative. I am sad a lot. Mostly because everything seems to pointless and awful and I HATE this life. My psychologist is super positive and keeps telling me that we are trying to fix this and we are on our way. We shall see. :D I have some doubts, because I have been suffering with this depression for half of my life and it HAS NOT GOTTEN BETTER. Yes, I have had some better periods, but these are not IT, I still haven't really felt anything and argh, this just makes me annoyed and upset. I would like to know what does happy mood, happiness, excitement, positive nervousness etc feel like. Instead I get all of those negative things that are not helpful to anyone and make people worry about me. And I have also understood that no one else can make me happy. It needs to come from within. And if you are not at peace withy yourself, you can't make others happy as well.

What else... I ordered some vegan bbq meat from Vegan Gourmet for midsummer day and I will pick some up from the store as well. I am going to Viljandi for midsummer, I haven't done that in years. We shall see who else is going to be there. I just feel like I need to TRY and communicate a little more with my family. And like the psychologist said - if I can't do a lot, I can try a little. I can come back to Tallinn sooner, I don't have to stay for super long time etc. I can just go for a little bit and it is fine.

And my mum also said that there aren't right coices. But that there aren't wrong choices either. Which is true, I guess. I really like sharing everything here after my appointments, because I will remember stuff better this way. :D

But yeah, in general Thursday was very hard for me. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was just super tired. But I don't know how to rest.

I just really hope now that it will be nice in Tartu and I don't have to think too much and can just enjoy life. Also, for example on Wednesday my friend wrote to me and asked if I am up for a meeting. And my first reaction was of course "no, I have planned my day". But I wasn't really booked, it was just difficult to do something without knowing the plan in advance. So I thought that hey, I just wrote to my blog that I want to do something unexpected and agreed to meeting him. And it was interestinf. Like, nice. I think. It was nice to talk and sit and just be. Something normal. So thank you.

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, by Signe

In anorexia, anorexia recovery

I don't want to eat anymore

Like, I have never had any problems with my appetite. Even when I was very sick, I still ate quite big portions and finished every night off with a dessert. And I have never understood people who say thy are not hungry in the morning and have to wait a little bit (like my best friend :D). Because I am like... give me food and right now.

And then it was Saturday morning where I couldn't even stand the thought of food. Knowing I have to have breakfast literally made my stomach turn.

I tried this coconut-white chocolate curd dessert during the weekend and to me, as a coconut lover, it was perfect. Also it was a dessert in the middle of the day, which I haven't had in a while... Motu also got a little taste. :)

I still made myself porridge with strawberries and it was really good, considering I have been having yoghurt bowls as breakfast for most of the days recently. But I was just so tired of eating. I ate really fast and it was the same with lunch - I made scrambled eggs with mushrooms and sundried tomatoes, also had some cherry tomatoes and the side and poured everything over with ketchup and mayo. I wasn't hungry at all. Me. Not hungry. I really wondered what had happened.

I didn't understand it when my friend said that she is tired of eating, but on Saturday I felt it too. I just couldn't be bothered. But I did. I had some Marianne (choco mint) candies and thought that damn, I have to make something again in the evening.

On Sunday, however, I felt really hungry. So then I ate even more. I just felt like I was eating and eating and eating and eating all the time. And even when I am full, I still keep eating. Because, I don't know. I am used to this. I am Signe, I have to eat a lot. And I want to eat a lot. At the same time I do and don't? Like, I have an appetite, but I am not hungry but then I am and it is really confusing.

It is nice that people don't worry about me. I am actually happy when someone tells me I look good. At the same time I kind of still want to be the one who is told that "you need to eat more". This would be like... a legitimate reason for having another portion or something.

Yeah, all in all it has been a confusing weekend. I haven't done anything, I didn't even go for a walk on Saturday. It just... I am feeling really depressed? On Sunday I had so many dark thoughts and then I couldn't breathe normally and I wondered if I should call my doctor or what. And then I understood I just had panic. I haven't had this in a while, so I couldn't name it. But when I understood I had a small panic attack, it made me feel a little bit better. At least I could get behind it. This didn't really help though, because I had no idea what to do to feel better.

I haven't done any studying, which is a shame. Time goes by and I am still here, doing nothing.

On Tuesday I have my first appointment with a new psychologist, I dunno. It kind of makes me anxious, but I need to talk to someone and right away, especially considering my thoughts this weekend. For real, my mental pain is so big I seriously wanted to hurt myself. I considered taking all of my meds at once to get rid of this. Of course I didn't do it, because I don't want to hurt people around me, but this feeling is just so overwhelming, painful, scary, awful, uncomfortable, disgusting, confusing, complicated.

I could have called someone and talked, but I didn't want to do that. I just wanted it to stop.

Now some time has passed, it is Sunday afternoon and I think I feel a little bit better. But at the same time I don't know when it all may flip again.

I am just tired, so damn tired. From eating. Being. Thinking.

For quite some time things have been going well. Everything has been okay. Can't really complain. I have had enough motivation, so this is not the problem. But now this weekend was such a trainwrack, I can't even analyze it.

So I came here to tell a few things. I don't want to scare anyone, make people panic or say that see, you can't be happy. There just are some moments like this, can't help it. Even mentally stable people have more difficult times, especially right now.

I don't know what else to say, so I thought I will write about a book that I read. Wintergirls.

I haven't read in English for quite some time, it was nice. It went really fast. And I hate but like the book at the same time.

It is about a girl, who has anorexia and who'se best friend was a bulimic. Was. Because at the beginning of the book she dies. And then the story follows the anorexic girl and how she handles life.

And she doesn't handle it well, not at all.

I didn't really recognize myself in the book. Maybe a little, when she didn't want to get better, because I didn't for a long time either. I still think about it sometimes and regret it. I miss the hospital. I miss boney, small Signe that can hide easily. Yep, I still miss her. I have been on this path of recovery properly for about half a year. I don't know how long it will take until I didn't miss the illness anymore... will I ever be over it completely?

Anyway this book then. Tells a story about daily struggles. Difficulties. Confusion. Add best friend's death and you get a pretty depressing story. But I kind of liked it. It had beautiful descriptions, it was very detailed. It was eyeopening and difficult read. And for people who are still struggling a lot, it would probablt be really triggering. So yeah, if you want to read it, think about where you are mentally. If you are in a safer place already, then go ahead.

I don't want to tell the ending or anything, but... it was interesting. And it wasn't like in a fairy tale, it was hard.

It was eye opening in a sense that I am not that familiar with bulimia and it talked a lot about it. Educating, maybe. I don't know, this book caused a lot of confusion in me, but I couldn't put it down, so I read it within two days. :D I haven't read as much as I have been doing recently for ages. I wish I could study more as well, haven't done that.

I still feel quite bad. I thought that writing my emotions out hel, but nope. I am in a weird trap here, and can't decide what to do. I can't be bothered to exercise. I don't want to study. I am too lazy to watch something. I don't want to read any more. I just cannot be bothered with anything. I would like to take a nap, but I know I don't fall asleep during the day. Oeh, this life thing is difficult.

It is really nice outside, I could go for a run. But I don't want to. The thought of putting on workout clothes really makes me panicy. I also haven't turned on the TV today, because my thoughts are so loud and I don't want to add this to it.

A new week is coming. I should do a challenge. I actually really wanted to do a running one, and went for a run for two days, but then the rain and snow came and ruined everything. Now my streak is over and I feel like it is pointless to go. Missed two days already, why would I go again. Stupid. I don't have to think all or nothing. But I do. Argh, it really annoys me.

Communication with myself is really difficult. It was the same last night. I put on a yoga video - five minutes later I stopped. Tried to work out - did one exercise, and could no more. Then I looked for some more videos, but they all seemed so pointless. Started and stopped. Started and stopped.

I want some excitement, I want life, I want travelling, I want something new and interesting. Something that has nothing to do with food. There should be another reason for existing, but sometimes I just can't see it. I am stuck again, thinking what normal people do during their free time. It is so fucking difficult. :(

I am looking at my running challenge posts, maybe I will add something here, because it is sad to just let it go unpublished. Maybe I will try again next week? I will see how the weather is.

So I did my first run after this one trial time and... it wasn't as nice as the previous one. It was quite cold outside and it started snowing in the middle of my run! I did not expect this, especially considering it was the 7th of April. I thought SOMETHING was going to come down, because when I hurried home, the sky was filled with dark clouds, but I thought it would be rain. So yeah, that was surprising.

So in the middle of the run I got snow in my eyes, the wind was super strong and it was awful. I still did 2,93 km round! I really hoped I would manage three, but yeah, not this time. I guess it was partly because I wanted to cross the street during the green light and really ran fast. I couldn't get into my normal rhytm after it, and I became super tired. Then I finished. Okay, I did some more jogging, as I was quite far from home still and I would have gotten really cold. I have a path of three km, which has been quite fine. I haven't grown tired of it yet. :D When I lived in the previous place, I was really annoyed with my round and I had to really switch my run up every day. So yeah, this area is still interesting for me.

I felt really good after the run. Did some more exercises at home too and then jumped under a hot shower. On the next day my muscles weren't sore at all, so it was nice. I did only few exercises, but combined with running it was enough.

Actually I think I shouldn't even call it running, because it is more like jogging slowly. My average pace was 6:17 minutes per km, which is really long. Considering I used to run in 5 or less. I don't really remember, but it was something like this. But this run was a bit faster than a precious one. :D By two seconds, but oh well.

Anyway, now you see why I need to ectivity watch! I want to follow my progress. Because really, for a moment I thought that I did one run, I should go again... but when I didn't go, I didn't feel bad! This is such a win for me. So now I am moving because I WANT to. Also before my run I had some cookies and it was nice fuel, got my sugar kick. :D

Also I don't set a rule that I HAVE to run this distance. I just run as much as I want to, feel like and can be bothered. Of course I don't stop after a few minutes, because I need to push myself a little, but I don't want to overtrain.

The weather was much nicer during my second run, even though it was really windy. I wanted to stop real bad. Besides I didn't go for a run right after getting home from work, I just chilled a little bit and it was much more difficult to make myself go outside.

I ran 3 km this time, yay!

The run itself was more difficult than the day before, even though I did it for a little longer. At least I didn't tire myself out too much and when the streetlight changed, I actually stopped and waited for it. I took a little break, it worked and my energy was better than yesterday.

And well, then the weather turned shit and there was no third, fourth, fifth run. Yeah, at the moment I am thinking that on Monday I have a new chance, but I don't know what the reality will be. I guess we will see what I post about next Monday.

Actually today for a third day I am doing another challenge, which may be a bit stupid, but I WANT to do it. Some people try out those morning routines where they wake up at 5 am, I am doing the exact opposite, haha. :D

I don't know, I always feel better in the evenings. Mornings depend on many things, but then it is downhill and evenings are good again. Today has been the same. Even though I still feel a bit iffy. Not looking forward to work week at all. I just want to have a long weekend, but during the weekend I am like "I don't have anything to do, everything is so depressing". I just don't know.

I should check when I took my vacation. I think it was at the end of May, if I am not wrong. I just want to go to a forest or just hike all day. Or disappear for that time. Be a ghost and just stalk on people, because my own life just feels disgusting at the moment. Õõõõõh.

I apologize for complaining so much. I just thought I am honest and will write about what is going on in my head. So today is a bit weird one. Don't worry, everything is okay though. It will get better. If everything goes to shit, there has to be a time where stuff gets better again, right?

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, by Signe

In anorexia, anorexia recovery

Hoarding

I have a serious problem about hoarding things. Well, not the general stuff. No books, notebooks, just trash or clothes etc. I keep collecting food items.

I continued with having the snacks I have been really scared of. Like this croissant, I had been wanting for ages. Persimmon has a lot of calories and full tubs of yoghurt are still in my mind.

For example I get really stressed when I don't have food items for the next day in my fridge. Even though I will probably go to store on the particular day, I still feel like I need to be stocked up. And then I buy the struff for several nights, but still go to a store "just in case" on those days and think if I need something else. But at the same time, I can NOT go, still thinking that I should though.

It is the same with all the snacks; I have a drawer FULL of them and every time I go to store, I keep thinking that I want something new and then I just pile up things :S. It really upsets me - why can't I just have the things I already own? Why do I need to buy something ELSE? This is just... I feel like I need to do it and I cannot resist.

I have tried to empty out the drawer, but now I have another 100 things there again. And then I don't even feel like having them, I want something else entirely - like some pastry, muesly, cereal or something like this.

In reality, collecting things is really common with people who have an eating disorder. It is connected to your brain which is constantly thinking that there is not enough food and it needs to be stocked up. So a lot of people with anorexia like to walk around in food stores, to be near food at least.

At least I have moved on from just looking at the items in stores. I actually buy them now and sometimes even have them. :D It used to be that I went to the food store, picked up something, looked at it's ingredients and nutrition info and then put it back and walked away. So there is some progress at least. :D Ugh, writing this down I can see how fucked up it is. And I never related this to an eating disorder in the past.

Hoarding has a lot to do with people who also have an OCD, and it is really common with people suffering from and ED. So to think about it like this, it makes perfect sense. But it is not that EVERY person with an eating disorder collects things. It is just one symptom and may not be relevant to you.

This being prepared thing is also annoying, because I am not flexible at all. For example I cannot decided that oh, today I want to get a takeaway - I have things to make food with so I need to use them. So I cannot be spontaneous. There is a really good article about it here.

With other things I don't feel the need to hoard at least. Sorting out stuff for my future flat, I have been thinking that I am so done with having the things and I wish I could just throw everything away. :D To start fresh! At the moment I have managed to throw many things away, I have kept some REALLY nostalgic stuff though. Like postcards and letters I have gotten - I could never throw them away. People have taken some time in their day and written to me, boughed a postcard and this is sooo sweet and soo important to me.

My sister on the other hand is really opposite. She doesn't care about food items, but collects other kind of stuff. :D I think I used to be more like her. I bought a lot of things, my favourite were books from second hand stores, magazins, clothes, sometimes even make up (even though I do my makeup like maybe once a month :D) and so on. I never had only one thing I collected. I remember in elementary school though I used to collect stickers, but they didn't at least take up much room. :D Put them all into a book and then exchange the good stickers with others. God, this is so nostalgic to think about. :D

But yeah, this hoearding thing is a big topic for me. But I wanted to write this down, maybe it is a wake up for me and if I make the promise to eat all the stuff here, I am more likely to actually do it. I think I will post more on Instagram stories and maybe have some polls, because I can never decide what to have. :D

I also wanted to brush upon the fact that my medication subscription was over and for 5 days I didn't have my meds. I felt really good for the first 3 days, even though I was suddenly really emotional. For no reason I had tears in my eyes or I started giggling at random stuff.

Then came insomnia. I have had some insomnia episodes (I slept MAX 2-3 hours per night) and being in the same kind of situation again was awful. On the next few days I felt as if I was seriously hangover. My hands were shaking, I couldn't focus, my head was spinning, I felt nauseous and my heart was beating a lot... at one point I told my coworker that I feel so shitty I think I need to go home.

But then I got my meds, I picked them up during my lunch and believe it or not, but 1.5-2 hours after taking them I felt like human again. All the side efects just went away. And I finally felt like living again. Of course I am a bit sad to lose the emotions again, but yeah... I think maybe I will discuss with my doctor if the dose can be slowly lowered? At the moment I am taking a substential amount. And some of the emotions were really... nice.

Anyway, do you collect something? Preparing to the end of the world as I seem to do?

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, by Signe

In anorexia, anorexia recovery

Lack of interest

I don't know if this is some weird phase of the moon or what, but everyone seem to have pretty shitty things happening to them. Including me.

I don't even know, why. Thursday was one of the days where things bothering me came out extra strong and nothing helped. I just felt... so pointless. And then arguing in my head I thought that everything is so pointless and boring.

Nothing interests me. For real. I tried to find something to do yesterday, but my head was completely empty. I don't care about music, movies or series. I am too lazy to do anything by hand. Bullet journaling has become a chore. Colouring, drawing, writing - I just don't care.

The only thing that helps a little is yoga classes. I can get my head empty, this is good. I also attended vinyasa yoga class for the first time, which is a bit different from yogaFUNC and a lot of attention is on poses and stretches. I really liked it.

I hoped to go to another yoga class today, but there were too few people who had registered, so the class was cancelled. On Friday I am going to my parents' place in Viljandi, but before that there are no more classes to attend. I could probably go to one, but I have an appointment with my psychologist and it usually takes quite a long time and I don't want to risk it. I feel like if ever, I need her support right now the most.

I am going to Viljandi because it is my mum's birthday. I need to go and visit her. They came to Tallinn last weekend to bring us tomatoes, but me and my sister were a bit ill, so it was really distanced meeting - no hugs or anything. We even had coffee on the opposite sides of the room.

What else has happened? I went to see two apartments. One I really liked, and I would have loved to say yes, but as I am in between changing jobs, I can't do it right now. It annoys me. I have kept looking though and have found one I truly love!

In general I feel like I am in prison, locked away. I want my OWN home, my own room, my own space, my own kitchen, my own food, my own air, my own, my own, my own. I just feel like I am trapped until I change something in my life.

I don't know what to do with this lack of interest. Like honestly. I have been on my vacation for two weeks now, and I really haven't done ANYTHING. Gone to a yoga a few times, baked some bread... on one day I had lunch out, but other than that? Nothing. Been online, looked at other's life on YouTube (a lot of travel vlogs, hiking videos etc). Haven't lived at all myself. And then yesterday my friend asked if I wanted to meet up and have a glass of wine, and I just said no. Becuse I felt that I didn't want to do it. I don't know what to do, honestly?!

I have seen an advert looking for a mailman, few hours every now and then. And honestly I thought to myself that I could do it in addition to my current job. Getting up early is no problem for me. I just. Don't know. I want to do something, because otherwise I just sit here and think that damn it, everything just sucks.

At the same time I know I should be grateful. Grateful for a fact that I have home, that I have a sister and my family and friends and this blog. But at the same time I feel like I am so fake? Nothing interests me and brings out emotions. I laugh when I need to. I talk when someone asks something. I meet people if it has been agreed in advance. But other than that, everything scares me. It is easier to say no.

For a moment I thought that if I am going to lose my job, it would be maybe nice to travel and see the world. And then I remembered that damn it, there is this corona thing going on. So... so much for that.

This post does not make any sense. I am just writing down whatever comes to my mind. Like now I thought that I am not even interested in reading. I could start a book. I want those moments back where I stayed awake half of the night, because the book was so interesting. But I just... don't care.

I don't know. How do you waste time?

I should probably go over my challenges. See how I did.

My next goal will be attending mum's birthday and taking it easy. I know I am going to overeat.

Also about going to yoga classes - I have a bigger appetite now and this is also kind of scary.

Have rice several days in a row - did it. Me and my sister ordered some sushi on Saturday and on the next day I made Commune Cafe inspired rice bowl. I did have quinoa, but I wanted to use the rice. And a lot of veggies, also added some lemon-peanut butter-soy sauce thingy. It was good. Rice was easier to eat than I was afraid of.

Have a snack that is over 200 calories - my first thought was that I shall only have one snack then. But I took a bigger plum, some yoghurt and some granola and had it all together. It was a lot more, but you know what? It was really good.

Eat peanuts or chips - I guess I kind of did that. Me and my sister tried some fruit/veggie crisps, like dried banana, mango etc. It was good. But next time I want to try some savoury stuff. There are some cool products I have seen in the stores. Still haven't had any peanuts though.
Have lunch or cake outside - my friend was woeking, so I agreed to go by the cafe she works at. I did it! I had corn pureed soup with paprica salsa. It sounded so interesting that I had to try it. And of course I had some bread and butter with it. It was so good. I also had a proper cafe latte after lunch as well. This was nice day, I really enjoyed my time.

Have some days off gym - I also did this, mostly thanks to being a bit sick - I had a cough, sore throat and runny nose (it was not corona, don't worry). But even to throw this aside I still had some days on which I did not do any exercise. I went for some little walks though, because I was about to go mad from all the thoughts stuck in my head. This was helpful.
Go to sleep later - I don't know, did not really do this. Mostly because I have had time off and I have just spent a lot of it online, watching videos and using social media and watching series and movies. And then when the night arrives, I have already done everything I want to do and I am tired of just being online. And I don't have any interests, so I have just gone to bed.
Eat completely vegan for a day - I didn't do this, but instead I tried a lot of vegan things. My most amazing discovery was some 100% vegan sausages by this one company called Naturli. We tried those with my sister and she also really loved them. She even said that she would like to have them again. She also opposed to trying vegan schnitsel from them, but now she said she could get behind trying it. So yeah, some good vegan discoveries this week!