I Won't Quote

I thought about not posting today, because my vacation started and I don't have anything written down. But then I decided I will still write a bit and make a short post, because it is kind of weird to not post on my assigned day without a warning. So this is published later than usually, but still, better late than never.

About my last post, I did a poll on instagram and it appears that sleeping naked is more popular than I thought. :D It was quite a surprise. Several people also wrote to me and asked like what the heck, did you sleep with clothes on until now, haha. :D I don't really understand it either, because it is much better to sleep without clothes. Especially if you have shaved and put on fresh bedsheets. :D Anyway yes, I think that I will continue like this, though I am not getting naked when I visit someone.

I have several thoughts in my head...

Lately I have thought that maybe I still avoid some fooda. But at the same time things that I eat, I really enjoy. So then I am just torn all the time, do I really avoid foods or is it okay to constantly have same stugg? I don't know, I am not good enough at analyzing this stuff.

My menu is quite varied, I mean, I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, I add some healthy protein and also carbs, of course. But yeah, the things I cook are always very similar. Like lately for the past few months I have had porridge for breakfast all the time and already when I go to sleep, I think that I can't wait for the morning to come, because I want my oatmeal. This is really my favourite food and the day isn't right if I don't start it with it. Yes, I can eat other stuff as well, but I always CRAVE for oats.

I also keep thinking that I should have something different for lunch, but there are certain things I just always like to have, it is difficult to come up with something else. Besides the stores near my home don't really stand out with their ready meal selections, so it is just easier to always pick similar items.

Also lately I have made a little change - I have made my lunches much bigger. This has always been the time I eat the least, but now when I have a vacation and I am at home, I always make proper filling lunches. And this causes a lot of anxiety. I just keep thinkin that now I shouldn't have too much food in the evenings, as my lunch was bigger. But in the evenings I am still super hungry and eat a lot, which means I consume a lot more calories than I used to. No wonder my weight keeps going up.

What are my regular meals then in the menu? For example Caesar salad with salmon, sweet potato with beans, cottage cheese salad with omelette, boiled potatoes with herring and cottage cheese, all kinds of rice bowls etc. And like, I don't know, I feel a bit sad that I don't try out new things more, but at the same time I really do like what I eat. And I still feel like not having the same kind of things several days in a row.

Lately I have also had dnner way later than seven. Usually at this time I am still at the gym and then I eat around 8-9. And I ALWAYS have snacks or dessert as well. Can't go without them. I could be really full after dinner, but I still need to snack on something, or my day is not finished properly. It is so nice to chew on something while watching YouTube videos or TV.

Now that my vacation has sterted, my own rhytm is totally different. I can make proper food for lunch. My dinners are different, for example today my best friend is coming over and I promised to make some Chinese food and naan bread for her. Then tomorrow I am going to Viljandi and will eat with the family. Again, I am so used to my own things and it is kind of difficult to act out of the ordinary. But it is not the end of the world, I want to get into this normality, where I wouldn't stress about things like this.

I have also thought about gettinf a meal plan, maybe it would give me more inspiration on what to do. But at the same time I know that considering my obsessiveness, if there would be something out of the plan, it would cause a lot of stress. So I don't know, I don't think it is the best idea. :D

Lately I have also been going to the gym a lot. My muscles are a bit sore today, but not too bad. I divided my days a little, so on one day I work on my upper body, on another day I work on the lower body etc. And on some days I run or do more cardio. I don't know, I really quite like this. I am still waiting for the motivation to go and run outside, haven't really felt like it so far. At the gym it is no problem to run on the treadmil though, I did quite a long distance yesterday.

Anyway yes, my vacation's first week is fully booked, on the second week I only have one plan as of right now. But again, there are quite a lot to do in August in general. I like planning a lot, but when something actually comes up, I start to think that I can't be bothered and don't want to do it. I need to force myself, I know I have to.

Motu just came to sleep on my lap and it is very difficult to write like this, haha. :D But he is so sweet, I don't have the heart to make him go away. Animals are amazing. Like, when I am feeling really shitty and my mood is in the gutter, I think that I need to deal with things, because who is going to feed him, if I don't. :D And I always think that okay, I have spent quite a lot of money, I should save some... and then I go to the store and get him the most expensive wet food, because I like to spoil him. :D

Also with eating, there is this problem that I sometimes have my daily meals set out. Like what is for lunch and what's for dinner. And then on one day I had this huge crisis, because I didn't go to the gym, but I had planned to have a bigger dinner. But my health was kind of weird and I didn't go, which caused me to feel that I need to make something else for dinner. I know it makes no sense, but that is what happens in my head. It kind of threw me off.

I talked to my friend about it and she made me have the food I had planned and it was good to beat this silly voice in my head.

But yeah, saving all the calories for the evening really makes me upset. A lot of influencers and gym people also keep talking that they save everything for the evening and it is stuck in my head.

Also, I read this book called "My shitty therapist" and there were quite a lot of other people's stories. And I thought it would me nice to share your's. So if you would like me to post about your story, please write to me via signe.kerge@gmail.com, write a comment or contact me aon Instagram. I can share it all anonymously, no problem. And your story can be about everything, you can tell me how you got a dog or something. :D Just... I have so many nice readers here and I would like to share things about you as well.

The book itself was quite okay, written with some good humor. Though it was very UK based, so it wasn't really that relatable for me. But it was a good read nevertheless. It was a nice fast read, you can just go through few pages every day or something.

Also I wanted to ask if you have ever tried a meal plan? What kind of foods do you make often? Do you feel like you are... missing out, because you have too many same things? These are the emotions I get a lot recently.

But yes. Today it is that kind of short post. I hope to write something on Friday as well, but if I don't then you should know that I am fine and I am just trying to rest. :)

You know the feeling when you want to go and have lunch outside, you go to a cafe and just take the lunch offer? Well, I don't.

Until yesterday.

I got an opportunity to go out to eat and take my friend with me, so we went to vegan cafe called SIIN (siin means "here" in english). And it was so good to just go there and not worry if the food is okay for me. Because all the daily meals are 100% vegan and they are normal, homemade food.

There are some places near my work, that offer vegetarian food. And for some odd reason it is always fried cheese, pureed soup with cheese and other kinds of stuff with cheese. It really seems that they can't come up with anything else. :D They think that ok, at least it is not meat, so it's fine. So I gave up going for a lunch out while I am working.

Yesterday I also had university entrance exam (which didn't go too well, because what the hell were these questions?), but I took a day off from work to relieve some of the stress at least. And I had exactly enough time for lunch between the exam and interview.

I have lunch - always. But in general it is quite small, so this caused me a lot of guilt. What were we offered? Oh yes - soya mince sauce with potatoes or buckwheat, fresh salad and some bread. It was EXACTLY the kind of normal lunch I aim for! I had to tell myself over and over again that normal people eat this food all the time. :D

Anyway, the food was amazing. Simple and tasty. It didn't have too much salt or too many other seasoning, it was just, well, good. Again I wondered why I don't make something similar at home more often. :D But yeah, it was nice to have a homemade meal without having to put any effort in. Just walk in and you are being served. :D

We went at around 12, the food had just gotten ready. The place itself as well was really sweet and cosy, I really liked that you could sit by the window and look out on the street. We talked to my friend about this always being our favourite spot.

It started raining so much exactly when I headed to the cafe. I dropped by a store to get myself a raincoat, as I didn't have an umbrella on me. :D Anyway, it was really nice to sit inside, look at the storm and dark skies and enjoy good food and nice compay. Ah, they also sold a lot of the products in the store from this website: paradisefoods . My bag was full of stuff at that point and I couldn't get anything unfortunately. :D But yeah, they had some stuff I have never tried before. 

They are open every day now as well, even during the weekend. And you can also order food from there via Bolt food or Wolt. I think I am going to order lunch sometimes from there, because honestly, it is such a soul food.

Then at first I thought that I was not going to have the bread, but it was so nice and fresh and soft that I had to eat it, haha. :D Perfect with this simple meal, even though I don't usually have bread with my lunches or dinners, I have bad memories from the hospital. :D But doing this now is the only thing that helps me get better.

Also every time after your meal you get a vegan chocolate candy as well, it is perfect to finish the meal, as I have always said I need at least ONE bite of something sweet. :D And this also gave my brain some energy, because I had to go back to the uni to take the interview. Also, we had cappuccino and it was amazing, I had only had one coffee that day and usually I would have had three by this time already.

Anyway I really recommend this place! And again, I really loved that I could take the lunch offer, without having to think if it is okay for me. Just went in and got food. :D Also the portion size was quite good, I liked that they also offer a small plate as well. In some places they only have one size, even though I think this has started to change slowly. But anyway, I was happy with this. :)

I think my interview at the university was a bit better than the test, but I can't say for sure. I knew that I was prepared, but the questions they asked were just awful. For example "what did this philosopher say to that lawyer" etc.... I thought they were going to ask questions I really needed to know in working at law. :D Some questions were easier as well, but I am quite unsure. But well, if I can't get in, then the world is not going to end, I can try again next year, as at least I know what to expect (if they don't change it, that is). So at the moment I am just hoping it goes well, but I am prepared for the negative answer as well. I should get the results soon (ALSO I AM BEHIND IN TRANSLATING MY POSTS, I DID GET IN!)

It was really funny to sit at the university, in the class. I graduated from Bachelor's in 2016, so it has been a long time since I was at school. I kind of do miss it, doing something. This is why I am thinking it would be nice to get into studying again - it would be something to aim for and I finally feel that I have enough energy for this.

Yesterday, when I got home, I thought about going to the gym, because today I am going to my parents' place, but I left it there and just rested at home. I did drop by a shopping center and got a new pair of jeans though. I have a lot of pants, but they all are a bit too tight and bring me negative emotions, so finally I can throw them out and wear new ones. The pants I got are really quite nice, light blue, perfect for summer.

There has been a lot of eating out recently. For example on Tuesday I went to Vabrik and also at Jahu restaurant. This does kind of make me stressed, but it is good as well, to get out of my comfort zone. For example today I don't really feel bad at all, I just remember good things from Tuesday. As I tell myself quite often: feel shit, but do it anyway, because there is not progress if you don't.

Yesterday evening I also really wanted to skip dinner, but I didn't do it. I had curd cream with strawberries, raspberries, mango and Lizi's granola my friend got me to relieve my exam stress. And it is really good, I just snack on it randomly. :D Tasty as hell! I have kind of gotten over my cereal addiction and moved on to muesli/granola.

And this bowl I made was really good. Last time I had something similar, I whinged on the blog, saying I wasted calories, haha. :D So it was nice to repeat the challenge and show myself that this was good this time. :D

And now today after work I am going to Viljandi. My grandma turned 80 in the spring, but due to corona she didn't have a party, now she is finally doing it outside. My task is to bake two really big kringels - one sweet and one savoury. I think I can do it. :D I really love cookings, especialyl for others. xD When I went to SIIN cafe I thought that oh man, I want to own a cafe as well, it would be so cool to make a menu and cook and so on. So if my lay career fails at one point, I know what I want to do. :D

Lately I have had so many "accidentally vegan" days and honestly I feel really good. :) I have a habit tracker on my bullet journal and I always mark down when I have a vegan day and in July there was a lot. Even though it is the beginning of the month only! But I haven't tried too many vegan products this month, I hope to get better at it. I just need to put my mind to this.

Where else should I go and eat in Tallinn?

What is your favourite food you would like to make in vegan version?

If you had to cook me ONE meal, what would you make? :D

So I went to Tartu in the end, on Friday. I thought that I will use this thing where I plan coming back earlier on a Saturday, as my psychologist suggested... well, I made it home at 5 on Sunday. So I stayed for two nights.

Because I felt so normal. This small trip showed me that normal life is possible. Honestly, it was weird. I am not used to this feeling. Especially because last couple of weeks have been really depressive for me and I already told to my psychologist that I want to start taking higher dose of my meds, because I just cannot handle life. I don't know, maybe thanks to having bad time previously, these few days felt so good? My mum said I need to try and hold on to this, especially now on the next day as work is starting again etc. I will try and do my best.

On Friday I took the bus at 9am and went to Tartu. As I got there, I took a cup of coffee in a cafe and then went to some stores plus I walked along the river. Then I went to my relative's workplace and waited until her shift ended. Then we went to her place. Zero pressure. Zero guilt. Zero worries.

Later we went to town to eat something. Went to a place called Uulits and picked burgers and fries. I also had a glass of wine. No problem. Burger was really good and it was so nice to eat it now, without braces. It was so nice, and so much fun. I also finally tried this Beyond Meat burger patty and it was really next level from regular vegan burgers. Even though I like those as well, but to get this real burger experience was exciting. :D It was difficult to pick a place for dinner, but my relative was really nice and we literally went to EVERY place in old town before I made a decision, haha. :D So I still have difficult time with deciding on things. :D

Then we just chilled, had some drinks (we were in a place called Vein ja vine, which was awesome), talked to some people and so on. Cheese board in a cafe? Done. Wrap in the middle of the night from a petrol station? Done. We went home and got to sleep at like 3 am. And in the morning we got up around 9:30.

Honestly, I opened my eyes and thought that I will not get up. Hangover was there. But I just rested a little more and it passed. We chatted for a while and tried to come up with a place to go and have breakfast at.

We went to Kolm Tilli, I got scrambled eggs with spinach, avocado mash, sourdough bread and a lot of fried mushrooms. And cafe latte. And I enjoyed every bite. But what was the most important - I didn't think of food all the time. We chatted, met up with another person and we just enjoyed life. I had some ice cream as well. Best vegan ice cream I have ever had. With coconut and salted caramel. Amazing. And despite everything I felt so GOOD.

Then we went back home for a moment and later walked to the river, tested out the water and just strolled. We also visited my other relatives who have yound children. I had a coffee. Had some homemade ice cream. Thought that I should plan going back to Tallinn and then suddenly I come out with: hey, I am going to stay another night. :D If I had gone back in the evening, I would have made it home at like 2 am or something, so it seemed more reasonable to go home the next day instead. I planned to go at around 10 in the morning, but that plan failed.

In the evening we went to eat out again (best Chinese EVER, I had crispy vegetables in chilli-honey sauce, like sweet spicy chicken, but veggie version and it was SO GOOD. My last Chinese experience was frozen veggies in soy sauce at Chopsticks, after that I have avoided Chinese places :D), then we went home, made some tea and sat on the rooftop, snacking on some radishes.

We just talked for a long time and I had this Reality Check game with me, we went through the cards and tried to devide them between us. :D It was kind of funny. We told each other stories contacted to the cards, like if there was "the most suspicious person", then one of us told a story about when we felt we were weird etc. :D We also showed each other pictures and videos we had in our phones and time just passed super fast. Suddenly it was almost 1 am and we finally decided to get some sleep. It had gotten a bit cooler outside as well, so we were enjoying it a lot. We had all the windows open and it was soooo nice. :D

The next morning we woke up around the same time and made some pancakes. While I was still laying down, I felt it - really bad anxiety. Like, it was wild. I was tense all over, my heart beat super fast and my mouth was dry. I couldn't think clearly, my thoughts were all over the place and I felt nauseous. Not the hangover feeling, it was just really really bad panic. I really thought I was going to die. I haven't felt like this in a really long time. And I didn't know what to do. But at the same time it was good that I wasn't at home alone, because then I would have lost myself inside my head and breaking free would have been much more difficult.

But then I remembered that I forgot to take my medication yesterday and as soon as I took it, in an hour I was completely fine. We had pancakes, both savoury and sweet. I have been wanting pancakes for suuuuucch a long time, so this was perfect. :D I also got to drink NATO emergency food back coffee, it was weird. Looked like a tea bag. :D But it was fine. We talked to my relative's mum and talked to her. We just chilled. Talked a lot about our trips, life and so on. We caught up on all the things we had missed out while we didn't talk for years. We remembered all the old times. And then finally at around 2 pm I took the bus home.

My psychologist told me that when I feel negative, there is an uncomfortable situation or I start to regret my decision, I should think about something good, focus on something else, do the exercise that helps me to stay in present.

But like... I didn't need that. I think there was something that came over me, something called FEELING GOOD. I felt so light, as if I was reborn and I was just like ?????? at myself all the time, because I really felt something other than negative emotions. I was at peace.

I talked to my mum a lot about it when I got home and she just said that normal people feel like this. Is this possible?! Is it really possible not to worry, not to want to kill yourself, not to thing dark thoughts, not to regret things you have done, not to want to CRY ALL THE TIME? Could I really be normal?

So this will be a random chatty post.

The weekend went off the tracks. A lot of overeating and things. But finally during the next day I didn't feel hungry constantly. I was even bored of thinking about food, which also made it difficult to plan for dinner. And I knew that I can't skip a meal due to previous day. So yeah, I got a whole tub of ice cream for myself. And I am going to have the whole thing.

I am a sweets kind of person. I prefer sweet snacks to savoury ones and my favourite breakfasts are always sweet. So I thought I would try to have only sweet things for a whole day. :D

Breakfast

This was my usual porridge with strawberries and banana and gingerbread seasoning. I really like porridge when it is a little spicy. :D On the past days I ran out of this seasoning and just needed to add some ground up ginger, because I really wanted that kick.

Anyways my porridge was really nice. At one point my porridges started going really watery and I never thought about adding less milk, now I finally did that and it is much better. :D

I haven't been making porridge a lot recently, I mostly do it on the weekends and during the week I make my yoghurt bowl. But now I am obsessed again and for the past three days my day has started with it. Mmm. I will also make it tomorrow. And the day after that. And so on. :D

I don't know how many bags of Marianne candies I have had, I should put them on the porridge... nice hot porridge with peppermint chocolate sounds really good. But yeah, my breakfast was not out of the ordinary at all and it was sweet so it fits the theme.

Also it was funny when I saw my new psychologist for the first time. She asked what I usually have for breakfast and I was like, well, porridge, and then she asked how I make it, do I fry the onion and I was like????? Excusme me, what? :D then she was shocked and asked if I didn't mean buckwheat porridge... 

I am not a fan of buckwheat, I have never liked it. And SAVOURY porridge for BREAKFAST?! This is unacceptable! Breakfast has to be sweet and amazing and thick oatmeal, grain meal, rice porridge or millet porridge or semolina porridge, definitely not BUCKWHEAT. Yes, I am very passionate about it. :D

Lunch

I am not sure what I have for lunch yet. I am going to a store and see what they have. At the moment I am thinking about pastries, pancakes with sweet filling, cottage cheese with jam or just a yoghurt with something. I shall see what the small store near my workplace carries and decide when I am there. Yesterday I did think about getting something in advance and tahking it to work with me, but I decided against it in the end.

I picked salted caramel creme pancakes and strawberries. It was suuuch a good lunch. At first I thought od taking pancakes with strawberry or raspberry jam, but just because they had less calories than salted caramel ones. Then I was like, for Godness' sake, I have been wanting to try those for a long time - why don't I just pick this? It would still stay on my mind and bother me. And strawberries were on sale, so I took one carton. Also had a small bottle of Fanta Zero, it is just so good and usually I need something extra sweet towards the end of the day. Anyway yes, this was a really nice lunch.

Guilt... I have some. Because usually my lunches are really small, I mean REALLY SMALL. I cover it with snacking in the evenings, but this time not. It doesn't mean that I won't snack, nope, I am still planning to do that. :D

But I don't have as much guilt as I thought I would. Food was just so good that I couldn't really feel bad, which is a good thing. :D I am not worried or anxious at all, I feel really stable and my energy levels are okay, which is good. Usually I get SUPERfull, then I get SUPERhungry, now I feel normal constantly. Again I am thinking "is this how normal people feel?". Like, a lot of the times at work or at home office I feel like snacking, but at the moment I don't have this. Well, I am in a habit of snacking, but I am not hungry really.

Today it is such a nice weather I am thinking about walking a longer round. I don't know if I am motivated enough to go for a run, I guess I will see when I get home and decide then. I don't think I have enough strength at the moment. Until now I have been running every other day and it seems to work well. Anyway, I will see how I feel. I feel like I want to go, but... lazynesssssss, 

Dinner

I didn't go for a run, as my walk took longer than usually. I did a really long walk, went to the store, picked up a parcel from the post box and when I finally made it home, it was already 6:30 pm. I also listened to an audiobook and time passed really fast.

Then I took a shower and it was time for dinner. For dinner I had 500 grams of curd cream with mango, pineapples, raspberries, blueberries and blackberries. I also added some breakfast cereal with coconut shreds and raisins.

It was really good. Even though I make a lot of yoghurt bowls for breakfasts, it was exactly what I craved for. :D

Then I also had a huge bowl of grapes, because I wanted more of something fresh.

I got some guilty feelings, because I looked at my watch and how many calories I burned and it was 200-300 calories less than I ate. But I tried to be over it. Because as my friend said and what I constantly remind myself of: who do I want to be thin for?

I think it is a good idea. :D Besides I know I still need to gain some weight, so these extra calories did me good. I need to eat like this every day!

The next morning I made some porridge again and surprisingly I didn't feel like not having sweet stuff. Instead I thought that I could do some more of those pancakes... :D We shall see what I will have for lunch today, do I keep eating sweets ot not. Probably not.

In the evening my dad and sister are coming to have dinner, I am making vegan cabbage stew. I have no idea how it will come out, but I hope that they will like it. It is my dad's favourite food and when he called yesterday, I told him I was going to make it and he got really excited. Of course he thinks I will make it with regular minced meat, but I am not going to say anything and see what he says, hehehe. :D

This was the result and I can let you know that he and my sister loved it. They ate and complimented me and took some more, I was so glad. It is the best compliment to me, if someone praises the food I make. :D I thought that maybe I can have it on the next day as well, as I made quite a bit, but we ate it all. My dad keeps saying that he eats too much meat, but he doesn't do anything about it. He says that he should have it maybe once a week, but still has it almost every day. But yeah, he liked the stew and said that he couldn't tell the difference and he was surprised I cooked non-vegan food.

But on the next day when I got home from work, I found a package with sausages and cheese in the fridge (he came to set up some more furnitrue, but so much about having less meat then...).

It was really easy to make this stew, I just boiled the potatoes, then put onion, broken up soya cutlets and some seasoning into the pot. Then I added cabbage, water and bullion cube and let it simmer until the cabbage was soft. I served it with vegan yoghurt instead of sour cream and it was done. I can't really say how much of everything I used, but this gives you a rough idea. :D anyway, I got thinking about why don't I usually make these kind of simple home meals? There is something in this simplicity.

I probably woldn't be able to do a challenge where I eat only savoury things for a day. Sweet stuff is so good and I naturally gravitate towards it. :D This is why there are several bags of potato chipst just sitting on my counter - I always have something sweet as a snack. So yeah, I don't think eating sweets only for a week would be difficult for me, haha. :D Anyway, this was one of my favourite challenges definitely. And it was so easy as well, I really didn't need to think a lot. Besides all the foods were prepared quickly and they were simple. I will definitely have the same stuff in the future too.

What kind of people are you, would you rather have sweets or salty stuff? There are a lot of people who strongly prefer one or the other. I am definitely more of a sweets person. Some people are normal as well and like balance in their foods. I think I NEED to have something sweet every day, or I will overeat and binge and so on.

Also I have never felt guilty because of eating sweets. It is normal food, just like savoury things. Just when I was sick, I followed more closely how MUCH I ate, not what I ate. As I have mentioned before, I have always had the habit of having something sweet after a meal. I need at least one candy or something to finish a meal. This kind of concludes a meal. :D What is why I have a lot of cookies and candies and chocolate in my drawer at work. Yesterday I didn't have any though, because pancakes were sweet enough.

If I am completely honest, then I haven't been completely honest. On some days I have skipped my lunch in order to eat more in the evening. And I have eaten more. And... I have still gained weight. :D I just had this silly habit of having very little during the lunch, now I am trying to get back on track. Have done it for 3 days now and I feel so much better. I don't feel like binging in the evenings so yeah, all these OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittend fasting things are bullshit and bring on binge. I learned it the fard way.

I actually wanted to write a post just about that, but then I got... embarrased? For doing something like this. Because I know it is not the best thing to do for me. I ALWAYS discover having three of four meals a day works the best, I have enough energy and so on. Anyway yes, I wrote down in this months' goals to eat properly and I am finally making progress. I just wanted to write this down here as a reminder to not do these kind of experiments in the future. It is not working. Normal eating is a key to normal life.

Lately I have had more moments of social eating as well and I have gotten sort of over the thing where I always wanted to eat alone and watch a series or videos or something. I eat and talk to people without a problem. I think I would still like to be alone after work and have dinner at peace, but if it doesn't happen, it is fine as well.

Anyway yes, I need to think about what to take on as a next challenge. I got this idea really randomly and it was a good one, because I had a lot of fun. :D I will think of something interesting for the future though, I am sure of it.

Like, I have never had any problems with my appetite. Even when I was very sick, I still ate quite big portions and finished every night off with a dessert. And I have never understood people who say thy are not hungry in the morning and have to wait a little bit (like my best friend :D). Because I am like... give me food and right now.

And then it was Saturday morning where I couldn't even stand the thought of food. Knowing I have to have breakfast literally made my stomach turn.

I still made myself porridge with strawberries and it was really good, considering I have been having yoghurt bowls as breakfast for most of the days recently. But I was just so tired of eating. I ate really fast and it was the same with lunch - I made scrambled eggs with mushrooms and sundried tomatoes, also had some cherry tomatoes and the side and poured everything over with ketchup and mayo. I wasn't hungry at all. Me. Not hungry. I really wondered what had happened.

I didn't understand it when my friend said that she is tired of eating, but on Saturday I felt it too. I just couldn't be bothered. But I did. I had some Marianne (choco mint) candies and thought that damn, I have to make something again in the evening.

On Sunday, however, I felt really hungry. So then I ate even more. I just felt like I was eating and eating and eating and eating all the time. And even when I am full, I still keep eating. Because, I don't know. I am used to this. I am Signe, I have to eat a lot. And I want to eat a lot. At the same time I do and don't? Like, I have an appetite, but I am not hungry but then I am and it is really confusing.

It is nice that people don't worry about me. I am actually happy when someone tells me I look good. At the same time I kind of still want to be the one who is told that "you need to eat more". This would be like... a legitimate reason for having another portion or something.

Yeah, all in all it has been a confusing weekend. I haven't done anything, I didn't even go for a walk on Saturday. It just... I am feeling really depressed? On Sunday I had so many dark thoughts and then I couldn't breathe normally and I wondered if I should call my doctor or what. And then I understood I just had panic. I haven't had this in a while, so I couldn't name it. But when I understood I had a small panic attack, it made me feel a little bit better. At least I could get behind it. This didn't really help though, because I had no idea what to do to feel better.

I haven't done any studying, which is a shame. Time goes by and I am still here, doing nothing.

On Tuesday I have my first appointment with a new psychologist, I dunno. It kind of makes me anxious, but I need to talk to someone and right away, especially considering my thoughts this weekend. For real, my mental pain is so big I seriously wanted to hurt myself. I considered taking all of my meds at once to get rid of this. Of course I didn't do it, because I don't want to hurt people around me, but this feeling is just so overwhelming, painful, scary, awful, uncomfortable, disgusting, confusing, complicated.

I could have called someone and talked, but I didn't want to do that. I just wanted it to stop.

Now some time has passed, it is Sunday afternoon and I think I feel a little bit better. But at the same time I don't know when it all may flip again.

I am just tired, so damn tired. From eating. Being. Thinking.

For quite some time things have been going well. Everything has been okay. Can't really complain. I have had enough motivation, so this is not the problem. But now this weekend was such a trainwrack, I can't even analyze it.

So I came here to tell a few things. I don't want to scare anyone, make people panic or say that see, you can't be happy. There just are some moments like this, can't help it. Even mentally stable people have more difficult times, especially right now.

I don't know what else to say, so I thought I will write about a book that I read. Wintergirls.

I haven't read in English for quite some time, it was nice. It went really fast. And I hate but like the book at the same time.

It is about a girl, who has anorexia and who'se best friend was a bulimic. Was. Because at the beginning of the book she dies. And then the story follows the anorexic girl and how she handles life.

And she doesn't handle it well, not at all.

I didn't really recognize myself in the book. Maybe a little, when she didn't want to get better, because I didn't for a long time either. I still think about it sometimes and regret it. I miss the hospital. I miss boney, small Signe that can hide easily. Yep, I still miss her. I have been on this path of recovery properly for about half a year. I don't know how long it will take until I didn't miss the illness anymore... will I ever be over it completely?

Anyway this book then. Tells a story about daily struggles. Difficulties. Confusion. Add best friend's death and you get a pretty depressing story. But I kind of liked it. It had beautiful descriptions, it was very detailed. It was eyeopening and difficult read. And for people who are still struggling a lot, it would probablt be really triggering. So yeah, if you want to read it, think about where you are mentally. If you are in a safer place already, then go ahead.

I don't want to tell the ending or anything, but... it was interesting. And it wasn't like in a fairy tale, it was hard.

It was eye opening in a sense that I am not that familiar with bulimia and it talked a lot about it. Educating, maybe. I don't know, this book caused a lot of confusion in me, but I couldn't put it down, so I read it within two days. :D I haven't read as much as I have been doing recently for ages. I wish I could study more as well, haven't done that.

I still feel quite bad. I thought that writing my emotions out hel, but nope. I am in a weird trap here, and can't decide what to do. I can't be bothered to exercise. I don't want to study. I am too lazy to watch something. I don't want to read any more. I just cannot be bothered with anything. I would like to take a nap, but I know I don't fall asleep during the day. Oeh, this life thing is difficult.

It is really nice outside, I could go for a run. But I don't want to. The thought of putting on workout clothes really makes me panicy. I also haven't turned on the TV today, because my thoughts are so loud and I don't want to add this to it.

A new week is coming. I should do a challenge. I actually really wanted to do a running one, and went for a run for two days, but then the rain and snow came and ruined everything. Now my streak is over and I feel like it is pointless to go. Missed two days already, why would I go again. Stupid. I don't have to think all or nothing. But I do. Argh, it really annoys me.

Communication with myself is really difficult. It was the same last night. I put on a yoga video - five minutes later I stopped. Tried to work out - did one exercise, and could no more. Then I looked for some more videos, but they all seemed so pointless. Started and stopped. Started and stopped.

I want some excitement, I want life, I want travelling, I want something new and interesting. Something that has nothing to do with food. There should be another reason for existing, but sometimes I just can't see it. I am stuck again, thinking what normal people do during their free time. It is so fucking difficult. :(

I am looking at my running challenge posts, maybe I will add something here, because it is sad to just let it go unpublished. Maybe I will try again next week? I will see how the weather is.

So I did my first run after this one trial time and... it wasn't as nice as the previous one. It was quite cold outside and it started snowing in the middle of my run! I did not expect this, especially considering it was the 7th of April. I thought SOMETHING was going to come down, because when I hurried home, the sky was filled with dark clouds, but I thought it would be rain. So yeah, that was surprising.

So in the middle of the run I got snow in my eyes, the wind was super strong and it was awful. I still did 2,93 km round! I really hoped I would manage three, but yeah, not this time. I guess it was partly because I wanted to cross the street during the green light and really ran fast. I couldn't get into my normal rhytm after it, and I became super tired. Then I finished. Okay, I did some more jogging, as I was quite far from home still and I would have gotten really cold. I have a path of three km, which has been quite fine. I haven't grown tired of it yet. :D When I lived in the previous place, I was really annoyed with my round and I had to really switch my run up every day. So yeah, this area is still interesting for me.

I felt really good after the run. Did some more exercises at home too and then jumped under a hot shower. On the next day my muscles weren't sore at all, so it was nice. I did only few exercises, but combined with running it was enough.

Actually I think I shouldn't even call it running, because it is more like jogging slowly. My average pace was 6:17 minutes per km, which is really long. Considering I used to run in 5 or less. I don't really remember, but it was something like this. But this run was a bit faster than a precious one. :D By two seconds, but oh well.

Anyway, now you see why I need to ectivity watch! I want to follow my progress. Because really, for a moment I thought that I did one run, I should go again... but when I didn't go, I didn't feel bad! This is such a win for me. So now I am moving because I WANT to. Also before my run I had some cookies and it was nice fuel, got my sugar kick. :D

Also I don't set a rule that I HAVE to run this distance. I just run as much as I want to, feel like and can be bothered. Of course I don't stop after a few minutes, because I need to push myself a little, but I don't want to overtrain.

The weather was much nicer during my second run, even though it was really windy. I wanted to stop real bad. Besides I didn't go for a run right after getting home from work, I just chilled a little bit and it was much more difficult to make myself go outside.

I ran 3 km this time, yay!

The run itself was more difficult than the day before, even though I did it for a little longer. At least I didn't tire myself out too much and when the streetlight changed, I actually stopped and waited for it. I took a little break, it worked and my energy was better than yesterday.

And well, then the weather turned shit and there was no third, fourth, fifth run. Yeah, at the moment I am thinking that on Monday I have a new chance, but I don't know what the reality will be. I guess we will see what I post about next Monday.

Actually today for a third day I am doing another challenge, which may be a bit stupid, but I WANT to do it. Some people try out those morning routines where they wake up at 5 am, I am doing the exact opposite, haha. :D

I don't know, I always feel better in the evenings. Mornings depend on many things, but then it is downhill and evenings are good again. Today has been the same. Even though I still feel a bit iffy. Not looking forward to work week at all. I just want to have a long weekend, but during the weekend I am like "I don't have anything to do, everything is so depressing". I just don't know.

I should check when I took my vacation. I think it was at the end of May, if I am not wrong. I just want to go to a forest or just hike all day. Or disappear for that time. Be a ghost and just stalk on people, because my own life just feels disgusting at the moment. Õõõõõh. 

I apologize for complaining so much. I just thought I am honest and will write about what is going on in my head. So today is a bit weird one. Don't worry, everything is okay though. It will get better. If everything goes to shit, there has to be a time where stuff gets better again, right?