­

I have nothing to write about

1:54:00 AM

So this will be a random chatty post.

The weekend went off the tracks. A lot of overeating and things. But finally during the next day I didn't feel hungry constantly. I was even bored of thinking about food, which also made it difficult to plan for dinner. And I knew that I can't skip a meal due to previous day. So yeah, I got a whole tub of ice cream for myself. And I am going to have the whole thing.

It was really good, I tried a banoffee one as well, but this one I liked better. :D Thank you to a friend who recommended this to me.
It is really difficult with eating, when someone else makes the food. This means I was at home at my parents' place and mum cooked all the means. Okay, well, me and my sister made the cookie cake, but you can't really call that cooking. :D
I had like four plates of savoury food and then it was time for snacks and cake. We celebrated mothers' day and my birthday!
Mentally it was really difficult to be at home. I hurt my parents by saying "this is why I don't want to come home" at one point. I don't think it is something they wanted to hear, but I got really emotional and upset. And then I cried for another half an hour and then went out to walk around and listen to some music.
Listened to old Norwegian songs, they really made me feel better. I didn't know I needed to listen them, but there was one song that started playing and I got into a better pace walking and my mood improved tenfold. When I got back home, I apologized for what I said, as I know I didn't really mean it. And then my dad came out with "people are upset all the time, and whine all the time, because they want attention". And this kind of left me feeling that I pretend having a depression to get some acknowledgement and make people worry. As if I didn't think about this enough already. I am constantly wondering if I need the attenction or I am really sick. Came to accept it, but now I don't know anymore.
I don't know. He has these weird things coming over him sometimes, he watches some Russian philosophy videos on youtube and then tells us about it as if it is the essence of the world. He says that people don't exist, ego makes you bad and you need to make peace with yourself. And that emotions don't exist and people are just constantly looking for something, never finding it. And you need to wake up every morning and tell yourself over and over again that you don't really exist. :D I can't really explain it well, but this is something he tells us constantly. And I am really tired of it. He had a period where he sent tons of e-mails, discussing several things and I felt like he was a part of a weird cult, it was kind of scary, even. And the randomly starts talking about these things while we are discussing COMPLETELY different things. It is so random.
Aa, the song that made me feel better was Kaizers Orchestra - Begravelsespolka.
At one point in my life I took music very seriously, I constantly wrote reviews and went to events etc, it was fun times. I wondered if someone would like it, should I make a post about music? I listen to a lot of Norwegian music and I would like to recommend some of my favourites. :D
And then at one point I didn't listen to any music, because it felt too overwhelming. Now that I got new headphones, I have done more of it. Like today when I got home, I needed to go to the store and the whole time I listened to all the songs I have liked a long time ago on Spotify. It was so nice to remember all the good times I had with them.
Gosh, soon it is my birthday. I will be buying an air fryer, even though I already got a smart watch for myself, but well. :D I have been wanting one for so long, I even picked it out. Getting a Delimano one.
I am also going to hair dresser's today, for the first time in a year and a half. I will cut my hair short. Make a total makeover, I already have a plan about what I will wear for my birthday and how I will make myself look and it is making me excited. I am thinking that I have this early middle life crisis happening, I want to change myself. And I would, at the same time, sit at home alone and watch some soap operas or something. :D I mean, I even have a cat.
I thought about writing to hospital in Tartu to say thank you. And then write a letter to my illness here. To finally let go of it. Say the things out loud, all the things I have kept inside myself. Finally finish this whole part of my life. At the hospital, my psychologist also suggested writing a letter to anorexia. It would be more like writing to myself, but I do think it would be a great idea. A proper finish. I just need to sit down and write it.
Next weekend I will have a small birthday party as well. And then it is Eurovision, time flies. :D
Aah, I also had a Covid test done. First time I wanted to be negative, haha. :D And did get a negative result on Friday morning. I just had a contact with someone who had Covid and I wanted to make sure it was safe to go home, as my health was kind of weird. Anyway, I am really excited I get to go to the stores again, also office.
I should do some more studying, I haven't done it a lot recently. Sometimes I go through a couple of pages of material, but to get into master's, I need to work a lot more. I am constantly looking for motivation, but there is none. Every morning I think that I will do some studying today, but then it is the evening and I have done shit. Time flies.
I have another long challenge going on at the moment. It means I have a set goal, but there is no finishing date. At first I wanted to complete it within May, but it doesn't seem realistic. And I would like to do some 24h challenges again, but the ones I have in my mind are scary and I just don't know if I should do them. :D Even though it would be good to me! I will maybe do them soon, if I can't come up with anything else. :D
I can see that my alphabet challenge is one of the most read things in my blog. It was nice time. But at the moment I don't even have any fear foods. Well, there are a few, but I can handle them and they don't cause a lot of guilt or something, there are just a few things I generally seem to avoid more than others. Another challenge I would like to try is eating foods I have never tried before. There are some new and weird fruits in some stores and they seem really interesting. :D Should go to the store and walk around and see all the things I have not tried. Would be interesting. Also a friend suggested this idea to me once, I really need to do it.
Ooo, and I have a vacation soon! From the first of June, I can finally breathe for two weeks and just be. I don't have any plans, but I think it will be awesome, haha. :D Would like to go somewhere and do something, but everyone else are busy. Maybe I should book myself a spa trip or something, I could really use some alone pamper time. :D I am open to ideas. I would just like to do something during the week. I could walk around, go into the nature, visit the zoo, walk around in the open air museum, have some coffee and cake... a lot of options.
Anyway yes, a lot of chatty things in this post. I will try to have a more coherent post by Friday, but at the moment my head is empty.

Share This Story

Tags: , , , , , , ,

You Might Also Like

Desperation

Eating disorder during holidays

Avoiding foods

0 comments

Subscribe