I Won't Quote

Or okay, not really zero, because this is quite impossible. Then I would have had to stay in bed all day, not to mention I couldn't go to bathroom. But I walked... very little. How much? Well, I don't know, because I removed my watch, put it in the drawer and decided to spend the day doing nothing.

On Saturday I went to the beach with some friends and then later we all came to my place and on the next day I was just soooo tired. I got out of bed at like half past 12 and I was thinking about going to the gym. But then I wondered why. Why do I make myself go, if I really don't have to. Why do I keep making myself walk around for hours and hours? And I gave myself a permission to rest. I accepted the thought of doing nothing all day. Not go out at all. To rest.

And as soon as I gave this permission to myself, I felt so good. So free. So normal. I didn't check the time. Usually my weekend is like that: at least by 11 I am out of the house, taking a little walk. Then I go back home to have lunch and after lunch at one point I go to the gym. But I didn't want to force myself, I didn't want to think that I HAVE to move, have to do something, have to be active. And it was soo freeing.

Of course laying in bed I looked at other's Instagram stories and saw one for example that said "if you walk home from a party and night and have 17 000 steps by 7 am". It was, well, triggering. Instantly I got this competitive feeling and I felt like I should walk a bit as well, why am I so lazy, a vegetable doing nothing. :D And then my next thought was that why do I even compare myself to them. What does it give to me? Nothing but stress.

I had a lot of fun last night. I felt like a human, not like an eating disorder or depression or anxiety or suicidal. I felt just... normal. I was interested in people, talking, being, music etc. I didn't think about not doing anything. I had a very easy day activity vise yesterday, even though at first I did plan going to the gym. But I skipped it. Because it doesn't matter. If you don't go to the gym for a week. Two. Three. Just... don't go at all if you don't feel like it, it is fine. :D There are a lot of people who don't do any activity. There are so many more aspects to life.

At the moment I have already had breakfast, proper lunch, drank several cups of coffee with vanilla soya milk and honestly I still feel very normal. In the morning I had a loot of anxiety. Honestly I felt like I was going to die. I even did some breathing exercises my psychologist taught me and all that. I don't know if it helped. Maybe a little, I got out of my head, focused on this one thing and it releaved some panic. But it didn't go away completely and at the moment I feel a bit disgusting, but I am not giving up.

In the evening my sister is coming over, I will try to make some Chinese and I will make naan bread myself. I hope it comes out fine, I have hope. :D I need to go by the store and get some veggies for it. My first thought was that I should go to the one Maxima store that is further away so I could get some steps in. But then I was like no, Signe, we are having a rest day. And if I already walk a few thousand, I can't stop.

I am annoyed at the constant step measuring. From my home to shopping center: 7500-8000 steps. From work to home: 12 000 steps. From my place to my sister's place: 3000 steps. From work to the shopping center: 4000 steps. It is pointless. :D But somewhy I just remember these things.

I liked that when I told my best friend I am doing this challenge, she just said "FINALLY". :D Because yes, this is a problem. And this feeling that you CAN rest is so freeing. Yes, I did think that maybe I shouldn't eat that much today, because I am not moving a long etc. But like, food is good, you gotta eat and even just being uses up some energy. I wouldn't have had any strength to write this post if I didn't eat. :D I wouldn't have been happy to go downsairs when my friend brought me some honey (good Estonian honey, if anyone is interested). I would have been too tired to talk to her. But it was so fun. Just to see another person for a few minutes and chat a little. It really made me feel more positive.

Anyway yes, this is my Sunday. A proper rest day. I could get used to this. :D Yes, I like walking, running, hiking, working out, being active and all that, but it doesn't mean I want it to be my obsession. I want to do those things when I feel like it. For example yesterday I went for a walk and during the middle of it I wrote to my sister saying that I don't want to walk anymore. I just couldn't. It was a waste of time.

I should of course study for uni entrance exam, but... well,I have a REST day. Sundays are meant to be for resting. :D I am starting to understand this, I hope I can incorporate more days like this into my life.

But yeah, in general... when people share how much they walk and how many steps they have taken, it is really heavy and awful in my mind. I am trying to get rid of it so much, but it always still affects me negatively. This is why I almost never write down how much I walk etc, I just don't want people to compare themselves to me and feel bad or think that they need to beat me. This is a very bad road to walk on.

I will now go to the closest of stores and then continue laying in bed, because... RESTING.

–

And now I have been to the store, taken a shower and cleaned a little at home. I am feeling million times better. I sat outside in the sun a little and I just was, not thinking about the steps and not counting the steps in my mind, which is a thing I sometimes do. I just chilled and was present, was with myself. I have gotten rid of the anxiety, maybe a little is still left, but not much. Soon my sister is coming over and... I don't know, I feel human. :D I am not worried about not walking and these kind of moments are really important to me.

I thought that maybe I could record some of the book and I guess I will do it a little later. I will try to mark down later or tomorrow how I am doing in general. :D

–

So, okay, in the evening I also didn't give uo and I didn't go for a walk, even though I wanted to. Instead I started making food, when my sister came. I planned making tempura coated veggies with chilli-garlic-honey sauce and naan bread. My tempura coating was a bit of a failure, because I had some premade mix, and I made it too liquidy. But it tasted fine still.

I used carrots, cauliflower and broccoli, cut it all into small chuncks and put them into the tempura batter and then to the air fryer. Also added some salt. I made it in batches, to make them crispy, and then put everything in at once to make them hot. It came out really well. Then I had some sriracha-galric sauce which I added honey to, mixed everything up and it was done.

At the same time I also made some naan bread. I tried to find this recipe online, but I couldn't. Anyway, I used 150 g of flour, 150 g of yoghurt, teaspoon of baking powder, tablespoon of water, teaspoon of salt and a little sprinkling of sugar. I mixed it all up, kneaded it for a bit and rolled it out. It was SUPER sticky, but I managed!

Fried it a few minutes on the pan in oil from both sides and then topped it with herb-butter and garlix mix. It looks green due to the herbs in butter.

Anyway this dinner was AMAZING. Me and my sister watched three episodes on Brooklyn 99 and enjoyed the evening. Then I went to bed. It was a really nice rest day and this has been one of my favourite challenges, haha. :D

Actually I have started this challenge many times before and then stopped on the same day. But it seems that the weather decided for me and I need to face it.

The urge to move.

Anyway, today is tuesday. And I decided that in five days I try and walk as little as possible. I will only go to the store if I need to, and visit my sister. How did the weather help me? It made everything so slippery and when I went to the store during lunch, I fell down three times. Very ungracefully. So yeah, can't really go out for walks.

I want to see what my weight does in these five days. I have this rule in my head that I need to walk at least 10 000 steps each day. I want... normal life. I don't want to be anxious if I haven't moved enough. Moving kind of relaxes me? It is good and nice and my doctor is not against it anymore, but I just want to get rid of this obsession. And for me, it is all or nothing, so I can't just make it less by a thousand steps each day. I need to go all in.

I am afraid that I will gain a lot of weight. Yep. I am really afraid. Especially because today morning the number was already much higher. And it really upset me. And I couldn't go to the store after work due to the weather. But actually I don't even need anything.

I will probably go tomorrow though, because I want some fresh stuff. But yes, it won't be my usual walk about 2 hours. I will go to the nearest store. I have plenty of them near my house.

And I will continue eating normally. I usually have skipped a meal if I haven't moved enough. Not recently, though. But come on, me, it is not good. I don't want to keep going home from work by foot. I am always very tired and it is cold and slippery. Uncomfortoable. I want to be a normal person who takes public transport. It can't be that difficult. Though it probably is. And it will be very challenging for the days I don't have much to do. Then I will maybe let myself to go for a short walks still. But my goal is to avoid it. And I want to show myself that nothing bad happens if I don't walk around all the time. I am struggling with it and I know a lot of readers do as well. 

Now it is already the fourth day when I haven't moved as much. The most steps I have done this far was 8k on one day, but I am not bothered by it. I didn't set a maximum for myself - I just wanted to walk less. And it has been so nice to take a bus! I haven't had to walk for several hours...

Okay, I have been bored and have thought about going for a walk. But I have had lots of things to do as well, as my mum is in town and we went to some stores to get stuff for our homes. So that is why the steps piled up. But honestly this rest time has been really nice.

During the first days I really got anxious over not walking much, but after a few days it became a lot easier. It is difficult when someone posts on Instragam how much they have walked. Or when someone mentions that they have walked so much. I feel like I should, too. But what they do is in no way connected to me.

But yeah, all in all I have had good time. Real rest. No mandatory walking. Also weather has been awful and it has been nice sitting at home with a cup of coffee and reading a book. Maybe before I often thought that instead of reasing I could be walking and it stressed me a lot. Weird logic, but it is my logic.

Also I haven't done any other exercise at home either. Not push ups, no squats or abs or anything. I have just been resting. I have taken this time to rest both mentally and physically. One thing I need to practice is resting. It is not easy to be honest, when your head is telling you "you need to do something, don't waste time!!!!!".

Today I also won't be walking much, because I am at home office and then later I am going to my sister's as she has a friend over and we will have a small housewarming party. She lives really close to me. I think I will walk for around 3000-4000 steps today. And tomorrow we will make cinnamon rolls. Another challenge, but it sounds good.

Someone wrote to me and asked if I have thought about doing challenges that are not connected to food. And honestly - yes, I have. But most of the ideas I find in Google have something to do with food. Also, my blog gets a lot more views when I write about food. But yeah, ideally I would do something else as well. But at the same time... I need ideas! Maybe I should write something? Like just make up a story.

Even my bullet journal has a point of writing something. Also, I think I could do this nutrition course as a challenge. Maybe it would be interesting to get back into drawing as well, I even have a brand new scetchbook for it. I will DEFINITELY do this. As I am not walking around as much, I have a lot more time.

I still weigh myself every day and my weight has been steadily going up. I don't think it is because of not walking though. It is connected to my eating. There is still some time left until my birthday, but I have a deal with myself to reach the normal weight range by then. It doesn't mean I can't do it before, though. Sooner the better. I have gained most of the weight within a year, so it shows it takes a bit time in my case. :D

Anyway, if there is a challenge you would like to see, please let me know. Sometimes you guys surprise me. :D I would never come up with half of them.

At the moment I won't be doing any food related challenges, because there are several social occasions coming and I want to enjoy them. I take every day separate. But this doesn't mean I won't ever do food challenges anymore, I will definitely. I just need to come up with something good.

I am really looking forward to ice and snow completely melting. In an ideal world, I would add some running into my routine. And I really mean some, like 1 km and not every day, of course. But I think it would give me much positive emotions. Looking forward to something is really nice.

My average step count per day was 5971, which is pretty good, considering I never used to let it be under 10 000 and often it reached double that. So this is like half of it. I would have liked to keep it even lower, but I don't want to restrict walking for the sake of it and it IS nice and healthy to walk.

In the recent few days weather has actually been really nice. Like, you are outside and you can legit feel the warmth from the sun - amazing. I am not even bothered by the melting snow and mud.

It is so cool having my sister live so close to me. Like when we made those cinnamon rolls - she called me in the morning to say that they have run out of flour. I went to her place and popped by the store on my way. And then we did some baking with her and her friend and watched two episodes of Queen's Gambit. I have seen it before, but they hadn't. They continued watching later, haha. :D I recommend!

I have been reading a lot more. At the moment I am reading the second book of "The Painted Man". I don't think I like it as much though, but it is still good. Also, I have settled myself on to writing a novel in March. I think I have a great idea for it.

At the same time one of the publishing houses has said they will hold a criminal novel contest and I would kinf of like to write something for that... but I don't know, I am not that clever and nothing would come of it anyway. :D But my other idea is nice, I told my sister and her friend about it and they both said they would like to read a book about it, haha. :D We will see what comes of it.

In November, there is this huge monthly writing challenge. You are supposed to write 200 000 words or something. But I thought I will try the same thing in March. I am really excited to see what comes of it. :D

I would really like to try getting back into drawing as well. I don't think it will be something proper though, maybe it will be just doodles like I did in the Hospital in Tallinn. Everyone liked them, it was so sweet! Also one of my friends really loved them as well, so I guess it is a good idea.

In conclusion about the moving - I have gained some weight. But I did have a proper binge day and then a little later we ordered sushi and I had way too much. But honestly... I haven't really felt guilty. This is so weird. I am like... I can't be bothered to feel guilty, which is great. :D I am like "I'll deal with this later" and then forget about it. So yeah, whatever it is, works.

Now that I have gotten over my safe zone, I am looking forward to know what is next. Will my weight gain stop again? I am getting curious.

Now that I am writing this, it is Sunday and I am thinking about going for a walk. I think I will do it at one point, when I can decide where to go. I always need a goal when I am walking, or I will get too bored. :D But at the same time I have everything at home and I don't need to go out... We will see, I think I will come up with something. I would like to go to one supermarket though, that has an Asian store, but it is way too far for me.

Also I still need to come up with a dessert for the evening. Last night I had ice cream and apples. I tried new Magnum with waffle cone and it was really good. But I would like to try some other new things. But I don't know what to have. There are so many thingssss. But I never eat only half of something, I always finish the whole bag, it is awful. :D

But yes, walking a little less on one day helps to do it on the next as well. The first day, or first few, are uncomfortable and weird. But in general this challenge was a success and I am almost like a normal person already!

I am so freaking upset that my weight has gone up so much. And then I decided to restrict a bit and for a few days ate less and omg, I lost 100 grams and then I couldn't do it anymore and started to eat normally again and at the moment I don't care about my weight but in 5 minutes I do and feel shit again. And then yesterday at work someone randomly asked me if I have gained weight and I just... YES I HAVE but who asks things like this?! I would never think about going up to someone and asking if they have gained weight. Aaaargh. Phew, finally got it out at least.

As it is new year and everything is closed in Tallinn, I decided to work out a little at home. I made this really basic list of exercises and I started with doing 10 pushups, 10 ab exercises, 10 squats and 10 seconds of blank. And like, not only one type of ab exercises, several. I just can't really show them in the blog here, haha. :D And then every day I add one. Like on the second of January I did 11 of everything etc. I don't know how long until I stop adding them, but we will see.

On the second day when my muscles hurt (!!! I couldn't believe it, I have to be super weak) I got kind of scared as sore muscles is a symptom of corona. :D Then I quickly tried if I can smell something and taste food before I remembered that oh yeah, I exercised.

Currently I have done it for... three days. xD What a dicipline, right! I am not expecting any big changes, but I just think that moving my body a little is a good thing.

I have tried doing some yoga as well, but I just am too unmotivated to follow along a YouTube video. :S This sucks. I wish I was in a yoga class, where there aren't any distractions and where I don't have other option than to follow along. At home, there have been many times where I have started a video, but in 5 minutes I pause it and turn it off, because I don't feel like it. So yeah, I don't really have much motivation, haha.

In general the motivation aspect kind of sucks, I don't see it increasing. I thought that maybe it helps if I go back to the office, but currently it has been the same. But it is the first official workday this year (I am writing this on 4th of January) and I don't know how things will go. I don't really feel this "new year new me" thing.

I got some really nice comments on my post complaining about having nothing to do. Regards this I think that I really need to pick up some hobbies again. But I am too lazyyyyyy. How can a person be this lazy?! Or I don't know. It is always easier to say that ah I will do it later, ah I will do it tomorrow etc. And then tomorrow never comes. It was the same with my eating disorder at first, I always thought about tomorrow. Finally I am here though. :D We shall see, maybe at one point I do end up picking up some hobbies again. A person can dream.

Haha, I started this post as a fitness influencer, but now it has become just some whining on my part. :D I will try to be better. Anyway with fitness, I will try to follow these exercises at least for a month. Then this is kind of an accomplishment, as it was with the stretching routine I did.

Right now it is sixth day and some other muscles have become sore now. :D I added some exercises, so that's why. Also recently I haven't really been walking outside, but I want to move. It is also nice to make a list of exercises on yoru own, because then you can mix them up etc.

It is kind of funny that my cat is super confused when I get down on all fours and start doing the pushups. He always comes and stares at me and sometimes lays down UNDER me. I don't know, he must like a roof made out of a person, haha. :D

Yesterday I was like, I am too lazy to do it, but then I remembered it is only 5th day and I am not about to give up. :D But regarding this - maybe I have reached my limit. But at the same time I want to reach at least 30 (currently it is 15). Then this would be of some use.

Anyway yes, moving yourself a little seems to be a good thing. And what is also nice - I don't have to do everything at once. Like on one day I warmed up some food in the microwave and during this time I added some exercises, right there in the kitchen. You have to be clever! :D

Ideally I would keep this habit up all year. It doesn't take much time, it is healthy and nice. And then every month I could see my progress. Like do the exercises get easier or do I see or feel a difference. This very mild sore muscle pain is actually nice as well! But I don't want to get obsessed with these exercises. I don't want to think that it is a catastrophe when I don't do them on one day. But I will try to last at least for January.

What I also wanted to write about is that me and my friend had a pizza night. And it was sooooo difficult. Weight played a huge role in it, because the number was a lot bigger on that day. And then I thought about skipping lunch or not having breakfast etc. But I made this yoghurt bowl thingy for breakfast and had some proper food during lunch. And I also had snacks. And after the pizza I had some sweets as well. So yeah, I kind of got over it. But on the next morning the weight was up even more and it is really bothering me. For some time I was okay with it, but this comment my coworker made is still on my mind and I just feel very negative in general.

But! Of course we ordered from this Mega Good Pizza place. Mexican pizza and Thai pizza, on which we changed sundried tomatoes into vöner (vegan kebab). I have never ordered from a place as much than I have from there. Also the pizzas tasted amazing. Honestly. I will never stop hyping them up. And then me and my friend thought that we should have a pizza night every month or something. And get pizzas from new places.

In general the night was really cool. We got to talk about things that connect us, have some pizza and drink Pepsi Max lime of course. Perfect combination. After that we went to walk around for a bit, also stopped at the store. I wanted to get Biscoff, but it wasn't in stock. At least I got those gingerbread butter cookies I am yet to ry.

Anyway, regarding the pizzas, I have ordered them many times with my other friend. And even if he says that he hasn't eaten all day, he never finishes one. I don't understand. Because honestly, as soon as I finish, I feel like I could have another one and also top it off with a kilo of ice cream. I just crave everything all the time. Also on yesterday evening I felt full, but I still wanted to have something. I just like the act of eating. Then I watched some TV and ate. A lot.

Oeh, I don't know. When will things normalize for me?