I Won't Quote

I am starting to write this post right now, on Monday morning, so it won't be that long I think.

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Me, being pleased with my clothes.

Anyway, I thought I would write a little about how I deal with working out. And it is going well! I usually go to the gym like 2 times per week, mostly on the weekends, because on weekdays I get home quite late. I have gone a few times during the week as well, but then I have worked from home so going there takes no time at all. But in general it is good that I don't feel like I have to go every single day. I just take it easy, go when I want to and feel like it. I don't force myself to go at all.

Usually I jog a little and then use the equipment. Me! I have gotten used to using quite a few machines already, but there are still some I haven't checked out. I have my own certain routine of things I always do. I don't haby any muscles to show yet, but I don't work out that much. But at the same time after a workout I often get slightly sore muscles and I really like this feeling. :D And also it has never been too painful, just nice. And I think this is healthy.

In addition to using the equipment, I also do something with dumbbells and recently I have also started to pay attention to my abs. Even though I should probably do more for them, as I am so weak at my core. :D It will progress as time goes by, I am sure. Usually I stay at the gym for an hour or a little more.

On the weekend I used the running machine and jogged a little. Can't really call it proper running, as I am so slow, but it is at least something. Like last time I did FOUR AND A HALF km. I was super proud, as it has been a long time since I ran that much. I like running on the machine more, because it helps me to keep the pace. Outside I always start too fast and then get tired really soon. Also there aren't any crossroads and stuff at the gym. Or other people. There aren't many people who just run at the gym, mostly people walk. Most of the people still use the machines or dumbbells.

I am thinking that I should make a plan and write down how much weight I use on which machine etc, because it gets difficult to remember it all. And I would like to follow my progress more closely.

Something more general now as well... went to the beach on Friday and after that went to have food at Chakra, an Indian place. It was really nice, I highly recommend this place. On the beach there were quite a few people which was also a good change. :)

Then on Saturday I didn't really do anything, I was mainly at home... tried to study a bit, but wasn't successful. But I know I HAVE to do it as soon as possible, because I applied to uni on Friday and soon the exam takes place. I need to get at leasy 70 points, it is possible to get 50 from the test and 50 from the interview. I hope I am going to ace the interview, so I don't have to worry too much. I have hope. But even if I get 70 points, only first 30 will get a spot. :D And there are about 80 people registered...

Then in the evening I went to the gym and was there for a little less than an hour, because I simply was too tired. And it had a lot of people, considering it was Saturday, usually there aren't that many. Everyone are hungover from last night or out partying again usually, as weather is also super nice at the moment. Then I went home, ate a lot of course and then headed to bed. I had stayed up quite late on Friday so I was really sleepy.

On Sunday I had a proper rest, went to some stores. But I couldn't be bothered to try clothes on so I just went back home. Though one pair of pants is still in my mind, I think I have to go back at one point. I want mum jeans, because these are super popular at the moment and I love people wearing them. But I have tried them, and I don't like them on me. But I won't stop until I find a pair.

Then yesterday evening I also sorted through my clothes, even though I didn't manage to do it with everything. I was left with quite a bit I want to give away or sell. Also these are not only super small things, I have all the sizes. :D I feel kind of sad at the idea of throwing them away. I think in the end I will still bring them to the collection point and that will be done. I am just kind of sad that some of the things I haven't even worn.

I also thought about selling them at a second hand store, but I don't know how well it would go. Are there people actually buying stuff from there? Usually there are so few people in these kind of stores so I don't know. Also if any one my friends would like some new clothes - please drop by and see if you'd like something. :D I have pants, dresses, sweaters, jackets, blouses, a lot of things! Me and my friends used to do something like this: we went to someone's place with all the things we wanted to give away and then swich them. :D I would gladly do something like this again.

I am not really excited for the new week, because there is soooo much at work I need to do. One of my bosses has a holiday for a month and before this I really need to figure some things out. I try to take it easy and not stress too much. I also started to write a proper diary and I did write there that I worry way too much over stuff. Also I have another conflict - I always think and say I want to be more spontaneous, but I like knowing proper plans. It is kind of difficult to find the in-between...

But coming back to the gym, I think that yes, I need to plan out my workouts better. Like on what day I will do what etc. I really would need someone's help for that though, I am such a newbie. :D Of course I could learn stuff from YouTube, I am sure there is a lot of content (I even looked up how to use some of the equipment). But having someone with an experience would be beneficial.

With eating, things are going okay, but I feel like I still have some fearfoods, which I should take head on. :/ Because like... every day I keep thinking that I eat the same kind of stuff. I need to make something else. But I am so used to this. But then I keep thinking that there is so much other good food, I need to try it all... but I never get around to it.

Like at the moment it is difficult to eat rice, noodles (it used to be that pasta was no go and noodles were okay, now it is the opposite :D), beans and lentils (I don't even know, why, it used to be okay), some fruit (like mango, banana - even though I add banana to my porridge evert day), some vegetables (like avocado) etc. Yesterday I did make noodles with eggs and veggies for dinner and it was amazing. I don't know why I am scared. It just is like that. Also at the moment it is summer and I only want to eat fresh stuff. Ugh, this is just so irritating.

Anyway, here are some general plans for this week:

1. Finish some critical things at work.

2. Think and plan gym workouts.

3. Try and run more, both indoors and outdoors.

4. Study, study, study.

5. Try to be more spontaneous.

6. Eat different foods.

7. Spend more time in the sun.

8. Read more books.

9. Stress less.

10. Think of a GOOD challenge and execute it.

Here you go, ten things, I can be happy now. :D I will now try to get int work, as last week was a bit half-arsed. It is difficult to get back into rhytm.

I thought of putting a clickbite title on this post and title it as 10 000 calorie challenge, because that is what went down this weekend. My mum came to Tallinn and on the first night we spent in my flat, having pesto pasta and brownies with ice cream. Then we had tons of snacks and drinks. And then when my sister and mum left, I continued eating... feeling really sick later.

Next day was kind of a deja vu, because we ate at my sister's place. Again, so much that I was physically in pain.

But I have done my seven day secret challenge now. On Thursday evening it will be over, so on Friday I will post about that. :D Someone mentioned in the comments that it is probably a running challenge, but unfortunately not. But this brings me to the title of this post...

One and a half years since I tried running outside last time. At the gym I did go on a treadmill sometimes, but I don't even remember running outside. Maybe it has been even more than 1,5 years.

I planned a track for myself and at first I was like ahh, this is gonna be so easy, maybe I need to do it two times. :D Nope. Even before finishing the round for the first time, I was so tired I stopped before completing it. I still jogged for about 500 meters later though.

My goal was to jog a little really calmly and see how much I can handle. It was 2,91 km. And then this added half a km.

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I would really like the weather to get better so I could go and try it again today. At the moment it is very dark, rainy and wet so I am not too hopeful... but it would be nice. Because yesterday it felt soooo good. My feet seemed so light, even the wind was not bothering me. I felt so good and motivated and energetic. I was really happy, as if I had hilbernated all winter and finally got up now or something. :D

My clothes were fitting as well, I didn't get too hot nor too cold. So yeah, I am rediscovering my love for running. I still have this block in my mind that I don't want to get ready, but once I am dressed, I feel good. :D It is the same with doing my bodyweight exercises at home, I really don't want to start.

My muscles are tiny bit sore today I think, or rather my legs feel a bit stiff. Nothing too uncomfortable.

Then yesterday I wanted to make those oven baked oats, but I added too much milk and my gas oven was not working with me, so I just gave up after 45 minutes and dumped it all into a bowl and had it as porridge soup. :D This was a disappointment, but I really didn't want to throw it away. But I did lose some motivation to try it again, haha. :D But sometimes I just see pictures of baked oats and it looks soooo good.

I just would like to get a new oven, because this gas thing sucks. Yes, it is nice that it gets hot super fast, but I can't deal with the oven part. It doesn't have temperatures on it as well, only numbers from one to six and 3 says max so it literally makes no sense.

But I don't really have anything else to say. Weekend was difficult, but I hope this week will be nicer. I am just really tired as well and can't really properly write what I am thinking. I feel very... uneasy.

Today I also see my dentist and maybe will get a date when I get my braces removed, yay! We shall see. That would be great news.

Mum and sister went into nature, we walked at Pakri, Keila waterfall and Jägala waterfall. And also we saw some big rocks haha. We couldn't go to stores due to the lockdown so this was the next best thing.

There was so many people around, but we kept our distance. But yeah, it was really nice to get outside and drive around, as it has been a while since I was in a car last time. :D Weather was also super nice. In the mornings it was a bit gloomy and rainy, but when we made it to our destinations, sun came out and it was just perfect.

I added some pictures to my Instagram stories as well and I did just post some on my feed too.

So just... leaving the food thing aside, I had a pretty great weekend. But I feel like I haven't gotten proper rest at all, I want two more days off. I don't want to do anything. :D But I think this is just too much to ask.

One thing I really miss, is working out, especially running.




I got some protein bars from Paradise Foods and I highly recommend. Especially the ones with coconut and chocolate, these are really good!

I have been playing with the idea to just screw everything and start going to running again. But there is still a part of me that knows it is not a good idea. I still need to gain some weight so it would be safe for e.

But this need to move is so strong and it is so difficult to fight with it. I understand that my illness is the one thing that makes me want to run. But there is still some healthy Signe too, that knows that running would be motivating. I would at least like to go for a trial run, even if it is just to show that I am not strong enough to run at the moment - maybe it would help with this need and help to control tehse emotions...? I don't know.

I just read an article about working out during your eating disorder, if someone is interested. I learned several things and it was an interesting read. For example I learned that sport helps with you bone health only when you are well physically. Otherways it would be more damaging. Also I had no idea that working out with an anorexia slows down your metapolic rate.

The other thing which I would like to do, is yoga. It helps to improve your relationship with your body. But at the same time I just can't get behind following a video tutorial. I really need to be in a class with other people, to commit enough. It is really uncomfy trying to see the screen while following the moves. Also during a class, instructor can give you feedback.

I wonder if there are other things I would like to do (or do again). I guess there is bouldering. And also I would love to go to a work out class, I used to love bodycombat. And also why not try out something new.

At the same time there is this main question - is it me and my liking for these things, or is this caused by my anorexia? In deep down I need to understand what makes me want to exercise.

Recovering has many aspects. One is, yes, to gain enough weight to be healthy. And then there is the other, compensatory behaviours part. Would I still be able to eat normally if I didn't work out? To this question I am supposed to be able to answer with yes. Then that would be healthy. At the moment I know that anorexia plays a role in it.

There are 2 good articles written by one girl who made it through anorexia recovery. Read it here and here.

What I have been doing at home, is some stretching and flexibility routines. My favourite to follow is this video. The first time I did it, my muscles even felt sore (which was actually a nice feeling). But I haven't done like proper at home workouts or anything, because I know that I shouldn't. Anyway, I think that just stretching is fine.

But yeah, it is difficult. I want to do so many things. I am eating more and have more energy and I really want to use it. But at the same time I know I walk around too much and even stopping myself from doing that is rather difficult. And I know that I definitely shouldn't run for now... we shall see. Maybe I can do it soon enough. I have a goal, there is some light at the end of the tunel. And I will reach it, one way or another!

I am obsessed with weighing myself. For a long time, my mood has depended on it. Also my breakfast has depended on it (for example if I let myself add some peanut putter to my morning porridge, or is full banana okay - maybe only half is allowed). And it is still like this; so I don't know - should I step on the scale or not then?!

At the hospital they tried to weigh me so I wouldn't see (I usually still managed to peek) and it was more difficult but also easier. When I didn't see. I still wondered what the number was, but at the same time it did not make me happy or sad - I wasn't dependent on the number any longer.

I saw my doctor on Thursday. He was not at all happy with me and said he will check when eating disorder facility in another town, Tartu, has a free spot. Because he feels that I cannot handle it by myself. I also feel like this, to be completely honest. All food related stuff has gotten a lot worse since I got back from the hospital.

But at the same time I am going to change my job, so I cannot just give away a few weeks of my life. Again. This is literally once in a lifetime opportunity and I look forward to it. I told my doctor to please, please give me one more chance, one more week to change my weight 180 degrees and make it rise at least a bit. Until now it has not happened. I will see him again this week, so maybe I will figure some stuff out then. They cannot force me to go to hospital, but he says that is is already an "existential question", meaning  "come on, Signe, your life is on the line".

This brings me to scale. To weigh myself or not? For the first time for a couple of days I have been thinking that maybe I shouldn't. But the time is passing fast (seeing my doctor again soon), and this sort of makes it necessary. Because if I don't, I automatically assume I eat too much and then keep eating less and less....

My psychologist at the hospital advised 2 times per week, for example on Monday and Thursday. Which made sense. But at the same time I am still too nervous and cannot handle this.

I want to run already. So much. Tried to tell my sister to let me, because I said that then I will of course eat more, but she did not agree. I guess I understand it myself that... It can't really go like this. Because I need to eat MORE already now, if I spend even more energy, I need to eat even more and it would be difficult. But I would mentally feel better. If I could move. I know I would have more apetite. I would be ok with gaining weight then.

And now I don't understand if this is my own idea or this is my eating disorder that tries to talk. Argh. I wish I had a psychologist already, but at  the moment they are not setting this up for me, because as I weight so little, it makes no sense. My brain has no energy to heal me from depression.

If anyone can, would you read how many times I have used the words "scale" and "weight" in this post? They don't even seem normal words anymore.

Unknowing something kills me. And this post is pointless. I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts. For some reason I haven't found much information about eating disorders in Estonian. I did read one book at the hospital, but it was translated from Finnish.

Well, there is this one Estonian book where a girl writes about her experience at Tartu eating disorder treatment facility, which I also read already. But other than that there seems to be nothing.

I am annoyed.

Actually I am mos annoyed at myself.

Today I wanted to write about... running. And not in a sense of "you should do this when you want to be a runner" but rather "do you have any suggestions for me as a hobby runner?".


I started running for the first time a bit more than a year ago. I was right before my Batchelor's exam and I really didn't want to study. In fact, I was ready to... you guessed it - run away from my problems. At first I was so excited because I grew to like it and I thought I was alreay so good.

Sweet innocent me. I barely run 2,5 km during that time. But well, considering I used to be the worst in my class during high school (not even managing the longest run of the year, 1200 meters, it was a lot).

Tahtsin kirjutada jooksmisest. Ja mitte selles mõttes, et "jee kümme nippi, et saada heaks jooksjaks või tee seda ja toda", aga just selles mõttes, et "mida peaks tegema üks hobijooksja"? Sest see ma olen ja tahaks... tahaks nagu pisut paremaks saada.

Jooksma hakkasin ma veidi üle aasta tagasi. Või noh, siis tuli see hetk kus ma vabatahtlikult võtsin kätte ja tossud jalga panin (isegi mitte tossud vaid New Yorkerist ostetud 10 eurised ketsid sest... jooksmiseks on ju vaja lihtsalt midagi jalga ja selga visata, eks?) ja õue läksin. See oli just ka enne baka lõpueksamit, sest siis oli väga reaalne mõtteviis "probleemide eest ära jooksma". Ja mulle hakkas jooksmine meeldima. Ma arvasin, et ma olen selles nii hea.



Tegelikult... tegelikult ikka ei olnud küll. Alustasin mingi kahe ja poole kilomeetriga, ise mõtlesin et olen vähemalt viis jooksnud ja ei surnudki ära. Arvestades, et koolis me pidime iga jummmmala aasta seda Paala järve jooksu tegema, mis oli mingi 1,2 km ja milles ma praktiliselt alati viimane või eelviimane olin. Alati tahtsin, et emps vabastuse kirjutaks, mis siis et hiljem pidi koolipargis järgi jooskma. :D Igatahes jah, jooksmine sakkis.

I gradually managed to run more and more up to when my average run was 5k. Then from there I managed to get on 10k runs occasionally by December last year (2016). Then came the winder and gym memberships are too expensive. I did pick up bouldering (I also want to write about this in the future), but stopped running completely from Christmas to... the end of March/April I wanna say. And when I started I started with 5k runs immediately. I was surprised and happy to see that my breathing was still really good (it took me about 4 months to get rid of the pain on my sides while running, now I have not had this problem since then); but I was slow. Not as slow when I first started, where my pace for 1 km would be 7+ minutes, but still slower than what I finished the year with.

I am determined to run a marathon in September.

Igatahes mingi hetk hakkas paremini minema. Kahest ja poolest kilomeetrist sai viis, mida ma jooksin siis nädalas nii kolm korda umbes. Lõpuks isegi paar korda tegin kümme aga see oli jube. Ma mäletan et esimest korda kümne jaoks läks üle tunni ja 15 minuti, hetkel on 10 tehtav alla 55 minuti. :D. Viimane jooks eelmine aasta oliiii 23 detsember, lund sadas ja jube külm oli - varbaid ei tundnud, kui koju jõudsin. Selleks lõpetasingi ja hakkasin tegelema kaljuronimisega, millest ka peaks kunagi kirjutama. Spordiklubid on nii kallid, lihtsalt jooksulindi peal jooksmiseks ei tihanud nagu maksta.

Aga märtsis või aprillis kuskil alustasin tasapisi uuesti. Hingamine oli korras - selle kohta küsivad alati kõik, kui kuulevad, et jooksen. Kuidas sul pistma ei hakka? Noh, hakkas. Jubedalt hakkas. Ma arvan, et mul läks umbes neli kuud aega, et õppida lihtsalt HINGAMA. Aga siiani nüüd sellega probleemi ei ole, pigem väsivad jalad ja keha rohkem ära. Ja lisaks oli nagu uuesti jooksma hakates jaksu kah. Aeglasem olin küll, kui detsembris, aga mitte palju. Alustasin nii, et 1 kilomeeter tuli üle seitsme minuti. Hetkel tavaline on 5:30... Päris uhke. :D

Right now my longest run was 16 km with a decent time, a bit less than 1,5 hours. And here is where the questions come in:

1. How do you prepare for a long run if you just don't have time to spare? I mean, I get off work at 5, home by 6... 1,5 hour run and it is already almost 8, I also need to cook and sometimes have stuff to do at home or elsewhere.

2. Time vs lenght? I usually want to run longer but get stuck checking my time.

3. Nutrition. Should I eat more the DAY before a run, some hours before it or just right before it?

4. Recovery - exercise, resting, food etc?

Hetkel kõige pikem jooks oli 16 kilomeetrit. Suht hea ajaga kah, umbes poolteist tundi (ei viitsi oma trackingut üle vaadata). Aga igatahes sellega seoses on tekkinud nii palju küsimusi.

1. Kuidas valmistuda maratoniks (mida septembris tahaks joosta), kui aega ei ole? Pika ma jooksmine... on suhteliselt ajakulukas. Kui ma saan töölt kell viis ära, kell kuus jõuan koju, jooksen poolteist tundi. Saan uuesti koju ütleme enne kaheksat. Siis peaks süüa tegema, vahest koristama ja ikka tuleb midagi muud ka ette.

2. Üleüldse - kiirus vs pikkus? Ma tahaks joosta pigem pikalt, aga ALATI avastan, et vaatan aega ja keskendun pigem sellele.

3. Toitumine. Mis toimib kõige paremini? Süüa päev enne ja valmistuda, mõned tunnid enne või vahetult enne? Tundub, et see on suhteliselt individuaalne, aga ega kellelegi ei ole mingit salajast annet minu oma ennustada?

4. Taastumine - mis harjutusi teha, kui palju ja kuidas puhata, mida süüa jne?

I mean, there are so many running blogs, so many sites, magazines etc but... they tell you a lot of different things and it is so damn difficult to be a hobby runner. Gym membership - expensive as hell here and I really am not feeling it during winter in -20 degrees; marathons - they cost tons. Literally my few week's worth of money for food? Clothing - again: so expensive. Is it made of gold or what?

Thuuuuus I suggest... if you have any good tips, tricks or what works for yous - let me know!

Tegelikult on igasuguseid lehekülgi selle infoga küll ja veel, aga need on kohati nii... erinevad. Üks laidab, teine kiidab. Hobijooksja on nii raske olla. Riided on kallid, jalanõud on kallid, spordiklubid on kallid. Kuidas te sellega hakkama saate?

Igatahes, kui kellelgi on mingeid häid ideid, nippe, trikke, lehekülgi jms, siis on väga teretulnud!