I Won't Quote

Like, I have never had any problems with my appetite. Even when I was very sick, I still ate quite big portions and finished every night off with a dessert. And I have never understood people who say thy are not hungry in the morning and have to wait a little bit (like my best friend :D). Because I am like... give me food and right now.

And then it was Saturday morning where I couldn't even stand the thought of food. Knowing I have to have breakfast literally made my stomach turn.

I still made myself porridge with strawberries and it was really good, considering I have been having yoghurt bowls as breakfast for most of the days recently. But I was just so tired of eating. I ate really fast and it was the same with lunch - I made scrambled eggs with mushrooms and sundried tomatoes, also had some cherry tomatoes and the side and poured everything over with ketchup and mayo. I wasn't hungry at all. Me. Not hungry. I really wondered what had happened.

I didn't understand it when my friend said that she is tired of eating, but on Saturday I felt it too. I just couldn't be bothered. But I did. I had some Marianne (choco mint) candies and thought that damn, I have to make something again in the evening.

On Sunday, however, I felt really hungry. So then I ate even more. I just felt like I was eating and eating and eating and eating all the time. And even when I am full, I still keep eating. Because, I don't know. I am used to this. I am Signe, I have to eat a lot. And I want to eat a lot. At the same time I do and don't? Like, I have an appetite, but I am not hungry but then I am and it is really confusing.

It is nice that people don't worry about me. I am actually happy when someone tells me I look good. At the same time I kind of still want to be the one who is told that "you need to eat more". This would be like... a legitimate reason for having another portion or something.

Yeah, all in all it has been a confusing weekend. I haven't done anything, I didn't even go for a walk on Saturday. It just... I am feeling really depressed? On Sunday I had so many dark thoughts and then I couldn't breathe normally and I wondered if I should call my doctor or what. And then I understood I just had panic. I haven't had this in a while, so I couldn't name it. But when I understood I had a small panic attack, it made me feel a little bit better. At least I could get behind it. This didn't really help though, because I had no idea what to do to feel better.

I haven't done any studying, which is a shame. Time goes by and I am still here, doing nothing.

On Tuesday I have my first appointment with a new psychologist, I dunno. It kind of makes me anxious, but I need to talk to someone and right away, especially considering my thoughts this weekend. For real, my mental pain is so big I seriously wanted to hurt myself. I considered taking all of my meds at once to get rid of this. Of course I didn't do it, because I don't want to hurt people around me, but this feeling is just so overwhelming, painful, scary, awful, uncomfortable, disgusting, confusing, complicated.

I could have called someone and talked, but I didn't want to do that. I just wanted it to stop.

Now some time has passed, it is Sunday afternoon and I think I feel a little bit better. But at the same time I don't know when it all may flip again.

I am just tired, so damn tired. From eating. Being. Thinking.

For quite some time things have been going well. Everything has been okay. Can't really complain. I have had enough motivation, so this is not the problem. But now this weekend was such a trainwrack, I can't even analyze it.

So I came here to tell a few things. I don't want to scare anyone, make people panic or say that see, you can't be happy. There just are some moments like this, can't help it. Even mentally stable people have more difficult times, especially right now.

I don't know what else to say, so I thought I will write about a book that I read. Wintergirls.

I haven't read in English for quite some time, it was nice. It went really fast. And I hate but like the book at the same time.

It is about a girl, who has anorexia and who'se best friend was a bulimic. Was. Because at the beginning of the book she dies. And then the story follows the anorexic girl and how she handles life.

And she doesn't handle it well, not at all.

I didn't really recognize myself in the book. Maybe a little, when she didn't want to get better, because I didn't for a long time either. I still think about it sometimes and regret it. I miss the hospital. I miss boney, small Signe that can hide easily. Yep, I still miss her. I have been on this path of recovery properly for about half a year. I don't know how long it will take until I didn't miss the illness anymore... will I ever be over it completely?

Anyway this book then. Tells a story about daily struggles. Difficulties. Confusion. Add best friend's death and you get a pretty depressing story. But I kind of liked it. It had beautiful descriptions, it was very detailed. It was eyeopening and difficult read. And for people who are still struggling a lot, it would probablt be really triggering. So yeah, if you want to read it, think about where you are mentally. If you are in a safer place already, then go ahead.

I don't want to tell the ending or anything, but... it was interesting. And it wasn't like in a fairy tale, it was hard.

It was eye opening in a sense that I am not that familiar with bulimia and it talked a lot about it. Educating, maybe. I don't know, this book caused a lot of confusion in me, but I couldn't put it down, so I read it within two days. :D I haven't read as much as I have been doing recently for ages. I wish I could study more as well, haven't done that.

I still feel quite bad. I thought that writing my emotions out hel, but nope. I am in a weird trap here, and can't decide what to do. I can't be bothered to exercise. I don't want to study. I am too lazy to watch something. I don't want to read any more. I just cannot be bothered with anything. I would like to take a nap, but I know I don't fall asleep during the day. Oeh, this life thing is difficult.

It is really nice outside, I could go for a run. But I don't want to. The thought of putting on workout clothes really makes me panicy. I also haven't turned on the TV today, because my thoughts are so loud and I don't want to add this to it.

A new week is coming. I should do a challenge. I actually really wanted to do a running one, and went for a run for two days, but then the rain and snow came and ruined everything. Now my streak is over and I feel like it is pointless to go. Missed two days already, why would I go again. Stupid. I don't have to think all or nothing. But I do. Argh, it really annoys me.

Communication with myself is really difficult. It was the same last night. I put on a yoga video - five minutes later I stopped. Tried to work out - did one exercise, and could no more. Then I looked for some more videos, but they all seemed so pointless. Started and stopped. Started and stopped.

I want some excitement, I want life, I want travelling, I want something new and interesting. Something that has nothing to do with food. There should be another reason for existing, but sometimes I just can't see it. I am stuck again, thinking what normal people do during their free time. It is so fucking difficult. :(

I am looking at my running challenge posts, maybe I will add something here, because it is sad to just let it go unpublished. Maybe I will try again next week? I will see how the weather is.

So I did my first run after this one trial time and... it wasn't as nice as the previous one. It was quite cold outside and it started snowing in the middle of my run! I did not expect this, especially considering it was the 7th of April. I thought SOMETHING was going to come down, because when I hurried home, the sky was filled with dark clouds, but I thought it would be rain. So yeah, that was surprising.

So in the middle of the run I got snow in my eyes, the wind was super strong and it was awful. I still did 2,93 km round! I really hoped I would manage three, but yeah, not this time. I guess it was partly because I wanted to cross the street during the green light and really ran fast. I couldn't get into my normal rhytm after it, and I became super tired. Then I finished. Okay, I did some more jogging, as I was quite far from home still and I would have gotten really cold. I have a path of three km, which has been quite fine. I haven't grown tired of it yet. :D When I lived in the previous place, I was really annoyed with my round and I had to really switch my run up every day. So yeah, this area is still interesting for me.

I felt really good after the run. Did some more exercises at home too and then jumped under a hot shower. On the next day my muscles weren't sore at all, so it was nice. I did only few exercises, but combined with running it was enough.

Actually I think I shouldn't even call it running, because it is more like jogging slowly. My average pace was 6:17 minutes per km, which is really long. Considering I used to run in 5 or less. I don't really remember, but it was something like this. But this run was a bit faster than a precious one. :D By two seconds, but oh well.

Anyway, now you see why I need to ectivity watch! I want to follow my progress. Because really, for a moment I thought that I did one run, I should go again... but when I didn't go, I didn't feel bad! This is such a win for me. So now I am moving because I WANT to. Also before my run I had some cookies and it was nice fuel, got my sugar kick. :D

Also I don't set a rule that I HAVE to run this distance. I just run as much as I want to, feel like and can be bothered. Of course I don't stop after a few minutes, because I need to push myself a little, but I don't want to overtrain.

The weather was much nicer during my second run, even though it was really windy. I wanted to stop real bad. Besides I didn't go for a run right after getting home from work, I just chilled a little bit and it was much more difficult to make myself go outside.

I ran 3 km this time, yay!

The run itself was more difficult than the day before, even though I did it for a little longer. At least I didn't tire myself out too much and when the streetlight changed, I actually stopped and waited for it. I took a little break, it worked and my energy was better than yesterday.

And well, then the weather turned shit and there was no third, fourth, fifth run. Yeah, at the moment I am thinking that on Monday I have a new chance, but I don't know what the reality will be. I guess we will see what I post about next Monday.

Actually today for a third day I am doing another challenge, which may be a bit stupid, but I WANT to do it. Some people try out those morning routines where they wake up at 5 am, I am doing the exact opposite, haha. :D

I don't know, I always feel better in the evenings. Mornings depend on many things, but then it is downhill and evenings are good again. Today has been the same. Even though I still feel a bit iffy. Not looking forward to work week at all. I just want to have a long weekend, but during the weekend I am like "I don't have anything to do, everything is so depressing". I just don't know.

I should check when I took my vacation. I think it was at the end of May, if I am not wrong. I just want to go to a forest or just hike all day. Or disappear for that time. Be a ghost and just stalk on people, because my own life just feels disgusting at the moment. Õõõõõh. 

I apologize for complaining so much. I just thought I am honest and will write about what is going on in my head. So today is a bit weird one. Don't worry, everything is okay though. It will get better. If everything goes to shit, there has to be a time where stuff gets better again, right?

When a girl wrote to me saying I should do this challenge, I was adamant to say no. No, I couldn't do it, I would automatically start to restrict more, I would on purpose eat less. Mkmm, not going to do it.

Then I thought that... why not. I need a challenge to do and there hasn't been a time in last 4 years (except for when I was at the hospital) where I have lived without weighing myself. I have missed a handful of days when I haven't been at home; when I have been at my parents' or have had a several-day event. Or when the batteries of the scale have been empty and I haven't bought new ones yet. So I was like... okay, let's try this.

I finished the "Good Reasons for Bad Feelings" and at first I wanted to make a separate post about it, but it honestly wasn't as good as I hoped. But I thought I'd still bring out a few things. That related to eating disorders. Basically the author couldn't figure out what was the evolutionary reason for eating disorders. It was interesting to read though, it was simply written. If you want to read something from popular science, then I highly recommend this book.

About eating disorders, he said that there are different ones. There are ones that are about overeating and then the complete opposite ones. Mechanisms that regulate your weight break down quite often. Current (fast)food, snacks, sweets etc is the culprit. Our organism is not fit to deal with these things, so there are a lot of overweight people. This book was quite interesting, because it told about natural choice and fitness and why this or that in the organism has been developed. But anorexia was a bit of a mystery, because going on the starvation mode is not a part of normal fitness.

Basically the book tells that evolutionary organisms' goal is to get descendants. But there is no connection between this and people starting to starve themselves. Maybe it would come into play if the whole village is starving and there aren't that many kids born, thus organisms want to give a chance to get pregnant to people who are more fit to have kids. Okay, I don't think I can translate it well into English, but maybe this interests you and you decide to pick up the book yourself. :D

He also says that diets are a slippery slope. 90% of the time people gain the weight back and even more. Diets that don't work ruin milions of peoples' mood and body image.

Why are there so many diet things? Pills, diet foods, dieticians, clinics, spas, doctors and workout programs, not to mention books, magazines, TV and internet. There are so many because, well, nothing really works. And there are soooo many reasons for it. There are illnesses, both mental and physical. There is no one reason for it all.

Basically he says that it needs a lot of work to figure out mental illnesses. They have only touched 1% of it all. Like he brought out that some things MAY occur due to genes, but it is only about 5% of all the cases. Like there was a research done on thousands of people suffering from scizophrenia, bipolar illness and autism and there is not one gene that is affected and causes it. Like... I had no clue. I thought (as many psychiatrists do) that depression and mental illnesses are just brain illnesses. But they are not so, often. And it is difficult to give a diagnosis, because it is done only focusing on symptoms. Like, if you have a heart condition, you can do some tests and figure it out. For most mental illnesses, there isn't that kind of test. Nothing tells you that well, you are clinically depressed or have mania. This was such an eye opening book, but I would give it 2/5, because I couldn't get answers to the questions that interested me. :D I am thinking of reading something similar again though. If I have some time, I will look up new books. Even though I should actually do some studying, because it has been kind of left behind by me recently.

What I also liked about this book is that it wasn't self-help guide, it didn't tell you that you have to do this and that to be healthy, eat well etc. It just explained things and didn't give advice. I am not a fan of self help books and I was scared that it will tell you more about diet or something. But it wasn't like this, which was refreshing.

Anyway, about my challenge - this time I am not doing it for measly 5 days, aka working week, and will do it properly for 7. I will keep eating normally as I have done so far, changing nothing. I have some more social days coming, and they bring more food and drinks, so I think this is a good place to start. And I can't make myself upset with the number.

I will try to write down how I manage every day and how I am feeling regarding the whole thing. And in the end I would like to see how much my weight changes. I won't mark down my starting weight or finishing weight, but I will say how much it has changed. I hope this doesn't trigger you, or if it does, feel free to skip this post. This is your warning.

There are a lot of different challenge posts in my blod you can read, so please go ahead!

At the moment I feel really motivated starting this challenge, but I think when tomorrow hits, I am going to struggle. I want to feel in control. But no, I know that if I have promised something to someone, I am more inclined to actually complete the challenge. If I only made the promise to myself, I would probably not do it whole way through. But now I have to! :D 

I think it can go two ways - I can feel free, but also I can feel so stressed and physically uncomfortable. We shall see what is going to happen.

Told about this to my best friend as well, so I can complain to her, when things get extra tough, haha. :D

Okay, so now it is a few days later and it is difficult. Or like, it is not difficult to not step on the scale, because I am able to control my body, but this not knowing fact annoys me. For the past days I have had those moments where I have gone like "oh, I should weigh myself", then I actually walk to the scale and then remember that no, not this week. Until now I have managed.

I think it is also kind of good, because my mum was visiting and we just ate all of the time. I would have just upset myself. I will weigh myself on Friday and see how big the change is. I think I have gained at least two kilos, but I dunno, maybe not.

I think maybe I am a little less stressed? Or like, this not knowing has two isdes. I am not that affected as I don't see the number and it doesn't set my mood. But I do feel like I should restrict just in case. But I haven't done it so far. I haven't even had a chance with mum visiting and all that.

I kind of really want it to be Friday already, because I want to assess the damage. By damage I mean my weight gain, because the number is already high enough to touch the lower healthy range of BMI. I managed well until now, but I feel like I am in a breaking point.

Then yesterday was a bit difficult, because my food didn't came out as well as I hoped and now I keep thinking about it and regret eating it. It wasn't perfect, I could have made something else, because I didn't enjoy it and it was a waste of calories. Yesterday I felt fine about it straight after eating, but today I am struggling a lot and I am just generally annoyed with myself. But at the same time... I am not wasting food so I would have had it regardless, but still. Argh, I was over these kind of things, but now it is back.

Half of the challlene is now over and honestly in the morning I was relieved that I didn't have to weigh myself. But I have a bad body image day. I just KNOW that this number would have affected me even more. So yeah, kind of good considering. Even coming to work, I started to wonder if I check my weight on Friday after all. Or like, will I do it every day again? I will still probably check on Friday, because I want to know how I did, but from then on? Maybe try and weigh myself once a week? I guess it depends on the results. :D 

Now writing this out made me stressed again. Also my coworker brought cake today, it looks amazing and it tasted even better. It is cheesecake with whipped cream, salted caramel, chocolate, strawberries, dark chocolate and Oreo cookies, mmm! I am thinking about how I would have skipped it some time ago, because I had proper breakfast and also planned my lunch already. But I did have a slice. And the world didn't come to an end. And I could make my coworker happy by telling her it was amazing, hehe.

Yes, to be honest, I did think about not having a piece. Because it seemed super heavy and sweet. But I just needed to get over the initial shock. My lovely commentator also JUST said that I should always take a slice of cake if someone makes it. So I did what she said. :D And it tasted soooo good, I would have missed out big time if I didn't have it. And I did have lunch. No restricting here!

Now it is Wednesday morning and I still haven't weighed myself. I was half way stepping on the scale this morning, but didn't do it in the end. I don't know what it would have given me anyway. Would have been pointless and I would have probably felt bad about myself. So I am being good.

In my eating habits, I haven't made a difference. Except really when I don't eat any snacks during the day, I have more at night/have a bigger dessert. And it seems to work fine. But at the same time I don't stop myself during the day, if I want something, I have it. Like I have had cookies every single day. :D I think I am having one right now, because I just feel like it.

Only tomorrow to go and then I can see how I have been doing. Ideally my weight hasn't changed, but I still need to gain some weight, so I should hope for that instead... Anyway, doing this experiment on myself is quite interesting. Maybe next time I can do it for two weeks? Or a month? Week is not really something special, if I want to know if my body can function normally without restiction. I should give it a chance. I will think about it and see what I decide on.

I really wanted to do a running challenge, but the weather has not been on my side at all. On one day it was raining, then it was snowing and wind was so strong I would have probably been running on one place. I was surprised I made it home! Today I will give it another go, but I will see how I feel and then decide. If I just don't feel like it or am too tired or something, then I won't go. This is not a goal, I just feel like running, that is all. At least I think so. I don't want this to become a rule. Like also yesterday I didn't work out at home at all either, because I was just so tired and irritated and sleepy. Instead I studied for 45 minutes, which is a good thing.

I really want to get this activity watch and I asked for recommendations on Instagram too, but nothing came up twice and I am still just as confused. The price should be between 100 - 200 eyros, but I don't know what to get. :S I have been reading a lot of reviews and literally all of them seem normal. I just want someone to make the choice instead of me. It was much easier to pick out a phone! I want the battery to last well, but other than that, I am not really picky... it would be nice if someone could tell me what to get. If you have one, let me know which one and if you are happy with it.

I feel like I have put so much pressure on myself. I don't know what to expect from tomorrow morning. I want to know the number, but at the same time I understand people who don't weigh themself, it is freeing indeed. So yeah... difficult. Today morning was the first time I didn't think about stepping on the scale at all. This was good. So yeah, there is some progress made and I feel like I have gotten over this obsession.

I read one girl's blog, who said she weighs herself every Friday morning only. I think that maybe I will do the same? I shall see what tomorrow brings and then decide if I can trust my body enough and do it. Or I need to see the number to plan life better. I have no idea what is going to happen. :D

Sooo... today morning I weighed myself. + 200 grams, which could be due to anything. So I can make some conclusions:

1. I can not restrict if I put my mind on it, eat properly and follow my routine. My excuse for not doing this challenge earlier means nothing now.

2. I can not weigh myself obsessively. And I am able to listen to my body after all.

3. I will start weighing myself more often again. At the moment I still need to gain weight and this helps me to see the progress.

4. My body image was better. Generally I feel "fat" when the number grows bigger, automatically. But during this week I was in blissful ignorance and I didn't have those uncomfy days, except from yesterday, when everything was uncomfortable and annoying. But I got over it.

5. This 200 grams didn't affect my mood. Number on the scale and it changing doesn't affect me nearly as much anymore. I can reason it to myself and I understand it needs to change. So yeah, I think it would be the best to weogh yourself every day for a week and then take the average from it.

6. I think I will do this challenge again in the future.

7. This calmed my nerves, because now when I have days when I can't weigh myself, I will feel much less anxious.

Anyway yes, this was this week's challenge. I am already doing a next one, which I hopefulyl complete, and can talk about on Monday. This was one of the hardest challenges mentally though. I still thought about this number a lot. But I did think about it less than I usually do, I think.

Anyway yeah. :D It was nice to have someone suggest me this challenge and I am glad I made it. And honestly, I swear that I didn't check my weight once during these seven days!

I thought of putting a clickbite title on this post and title it as 10 000 calorie challenge, because that is what went down this weekend. My mum came to Tallinn and on the first night we spent in my flat, having pesto pasta and brownies with ice cream. Then we had tons of snacks and drinks. And then when my sister and mum left, I continued eating... feeling really sick later.

Next day was kind of a deja vu, because we ate at my sister's place. Again, so much that I was physically in pain.

But I have done my seven day secret challenge now. On Thursday evening it will be over, so on Friday I will post about that. :D Someone mentioned in the comments that it is probably a running challenge, but unfortunately not. But this brings me to the title of this post...

One and a half years since I tried running outside last time. At the gym I did go on a treadmill sometimes, but I don't even remember running outside. Maybe it has been even more than 1,5 years.

I planned a track for myself and at first I was like ahh, this is gonna be so easy, maybe I need to do it two times. :D Nope. Even before finishing the round for the first time, I was so tired I stopped before completing it. I still jogged for about 500 meters later though.

My goal was to jog a little really calmly and see how much I can handle. It was 2,91 km. And then this added half a km.

I would really like the weather to get better so I could go and try it again today. At the moment it is very dark, rainy and wet so I am not too hopeful... but it would be nice. Because yesterday it felt soooo good. My feet seemed so light, even the wind was not bothering me. I felt so good and motivated and energetic. I was really happy, as if I had hilbernated all winter and finally got up now or something. :D

My clothes were fitting as well, I didn't get too hot nor too cold. So yeah, I am rediscovering my love for running. I still have this block in my mind that I don't want to get ready, but once I am dressed, I feel good. :D It is the same with doing my bodyweight exercises at home, I really don't want to start.

My muscles are tiny bit sore today I think, or rather my legs feel a bit stiff. Nothing too uncomfortable.

Then yesterday I wanted to make those oven baked oats, but I added too much milk and my gas oven was not working with me, so I just gave up after 45 minutes and dumped it all into a bowl and had it as porridge soup. :D This was a disappointment, but I really didn't want to throw it away. But I did lose some motivation to try it again, haha. :D But sometimes I just see pictures of baked oats and it looks soooo good.

I just would like to get a new oven, because this gas thing sucks. Yes, it is nice that it gets hot super fast, but I can't deal with the oven part. It doesn't have temperatures on it as well, only numbers from one to six and 3 says max so it literally makes no sense.

But I don't really have anything else to say. Weekend was difficult, but I hope this week will be nicer. I am just really tired as well and can't really properly write what I am thinking. I feel very... uneasy.

Today I also see my dentist and maybe will get a date when I get my braces removed, yay! We shall see. That would be great news.

Mum and sister went into nature, we walked at Pakri, Keila waterfall and Jägala waterfall. And also we saw some big rocks haha. We couldn't go to stores due to the lockdown so this was the next best thing.

There was so many people around, but we kept our distance. But yeah, it was really nice to get outside and drive around, as it has been a while since I was in a car last time. :D Weather was also super nice. In the mornings it was a bit gloomy and rainy, but when we made it to our destinations, sun came out and it was just perfect.

I added some pictures to my Instagram stories as well and I did just post some on my feed too.

So just... leaving the food thing aside, I had a pretty great weekend. But I feel like I haven't gotten proper rest at all, I want two more days off. I don't want to do anything. :D But I think this is just too much to ask.

I have a feeling that finally this month I have tried more new things. At least in some part. Yoghurts and such is really common, but I have tried to pay attention to my choices and pick various ingredients. I am proud of myself. And I have already marked down some new things I want to try next month. This month has been very hummus-heavy, but there are new ones out in the market and I had to try them all. :D I have already discovered new favourites, so this is good.

On another day I got a parcel from Globus to celebrate Easter, and it was soooo sweet. I am planning to make chickpea-rice-coconut milk stew on one day now, it sounds like it could be amazing. :D It was really nice to get this parcel and it made my day a lot better. They always have a cute message with their parcels. :) I used Globus' products a lot every day, because they are just so quick and easy. When I don't have anything, I can still make veggie chilli with beans, a stew or something else. :D They even have canned beetroot and I have made several beetroot risottos thanks to this.

My weight is going up and this is scary. My last post was really positive and motivated, but now... it is a different story. I just feel physically so uncomfortable and it is annoying, I don't know what to do really. I know that I need to still gain some, but it is happening so fast? I haven't changed my eating habits recently, my weight was steady for some time, where is it running to now? It is really scary to be honest. I am really annoyed at myself. On some days I am fine with it, but on other days I really struggle.

At the same time I started a new challenge and this hopefully helps. It is a seven day one, so we shall see how I handle it. :D I hope to manage it well, but we shall see.

My mum is also coming to Tallinn now to celebrate Easter. We were thinking about going out in the nature and do a Signe Restaurant (they call my flat like this, because I always cook for them, haha :D). Of course it will be accompanied by a bottle (or two) of wine and a lot of snacks. Now when I am having especially difficult time, of course... but at the same time social events, damily time, chatting, eating, enjoying life > anxiety that it causes. Besides I KNOW it will be fun. I just can't really understand this so yeah... I am in a bit difficult position at the moment.

I have a birthday coming soon! A little more than a month to go. I hope the lockdown is eased by then and I can call some peoplr over. Would be nice. I have also wondered about what I want for my birthday and right now I have settled for an air frier. It seems like a good thing for someone living alone and I would probably use it every single day. There are so many good recipes online and I want to try them all out. Even though my kitchen is already pretty small and soon it won't have any room left :D But we will manage!

Then I also want to get a proper smartwatch. Not to see how many calories I burn or something, but I just want to analyze things like my rest, get better notifications and so one. Also, maybe a little for calories as well. I just would like to know what is my BMR. To show myself that I can eat plenty. At the moment I have a really old Xiaomi Mi Fit, which is fine, but it is sooooo unregular. My favourite functions is that it vibrates when there is a call, message or app notification. And the fact that I can set it as my alarm. It is much better to wake up to it than to a full blown alarm clock.

Recently I am really sleepy all the time. Even without taking my medication, my eyes fall shut around 9 and I can't do anything. Every evening I think of staying up late, wanting to study or read or something, but as 9 o'clock hits, I am completely offline. Also recently I have had these night sweats again, which is really annoying. I didn't have them for some time and I was already hopeful that they won't return. Oh well.

Okay, I will tell a little about the new vegan products I tried last month. I got this idea from a YouTuber, who does these kind of videos.

Täistera ampsukas sibula ja paprikaga (Wholewheat bread with onion an paprika)

I know writing about bread may be weird, but this was such a good discovery I just have to share it. It is heavenly! Can't really taste the paprika, but there is deffinitely some onion. They have another one as well, with thyme and garlic, which I would also like to try. But I hate thyme, so I don't know if I dare. :D But for this bread, I will give 7/10.

Alpro barista sojapiim (Alpro barista soy milk)

I hadn't tried this one before, but it was on sale and I decided to pick it up. I think just drinking it, it's very similar to regular milk. But I like when my milk adds something to the coffee as well. Generally it was alright, but not as good as their barista almond milk. 6/10.

Now a few days later I can add that I have gotten used to the taste and it is fine. At first I did think of pouring it down the sink, but my tastebuds adjusted.:D I will still go back to Estonian own brand oat milk though.

Alpro vanilje jogurt (Alpro vanilla yoghurt)

This was really good! I found it from Selver, as someone suggested. I really liked it. Not too sweet and perfect for my regular yoghurt bowl. But I will still stick to my soy yoghurt I think, it is cheaper and nice. But if this happens to be on a sale, I would definitely get it again. 9/10, really nice.

Oa ja paprika hummus (Bean and paprika hummus)

Oooo, finally one that tries to win over my current favourite. This was really good, salty enough and just perfect. I should make this kind of thing myself, it doesn't seem that difficult. I have a lot of beans at home and paprika is nice. This is, I think, also on first place now. I would even go as far as to give it 10/10.

Which is your favourite hummus? There are many I still haven't tried, like Rimi own store brand ones. I should do that. My favourite snack is two bell peppers, one cucumber, a box of cherry tomatoes and then I eat it all with hummus, sooo good!

Friendly Vikings vanilje kaerajogurt (Friendly Vikings vanilla oat yoghurt)

I was so excited to try this... and it was a let down. It was just too bland. Texture was nice though. I didn't like it as much as Alpro vanilla one, for sure. But well, it did the trick. The price is quite high, but I got it on sale. So I was like okay, I am going to try this. I also have a mango one and I hope it is better. :D For this, I will give it 6/10, it wasn't a complete fail.

Friendly Vikings mango kaerajogurt (Friendly Vikings mango oat yoghurt)

This... was also pretty pointless. It wasn't sweet, which is kind of a plus, but if you have it as a snack, it is missing something. I like Alpro mango yoghurt a lot more. It was okay in a yoghurt bowl, but I wouldn't get it again. Vanilla one was better and this gets 5/10.

Leiburi Rukkipala idandatud rukkiteradega (Rye bread with sprouted rye)

I have never liked this brand and unfortunately I didn't enjoy this as well. The only positive is that slices are really thin so you can taste the spread or whatever you are having on it, better. I think it is nice to get new products, and it was okay as toasted, but just plain it was... not very good. Too dry. 3/10.

Gourmet Club tomati ja basiilikuga hummus (Gourmet Club tomato and basil hummus)

Another brand one is better. But this was good as well! It tastes like this weird meat spread we used to have on bread when we were kids. Favourite of mine from Gourmet Club. It is also bigger than regular ones, having 200 g instead of 150 g. But I used it up too soon, it was the only minus. :D 8/10

Vegan Gourmet sametine kõrvitsa hummus (Vegan Gourmet smooth pumpkin hummus)

From the first moment I was IN LOVE. Honestly. I feel like all the hummus(es?) I try are just getting better and better and it is difficult to pick a favourite. This was really nice and silky and I really liked it, it also had some salt which was a plus. 9/10.

Vegan Gourmet pisut piprane punase oa määre (Vegan Gourmet a bit spicy red bean spread)

This honestly wasn't as good as the pumpkin hummus, but still pretty close. When the hummus fit well with vegetrables, this I would have on bread. Really recommend though! 8/10.

DOMINO küpsis virsiku-vaarikamaitselise kreemiga (Domino cookie with peach-raspberry cream)

This had been in my drawer for such a long time, as I was too scared to try it. I have never been a fan of these cream cookies like Oreos, but this was pretty good to be honest. Nice fresh and sweet. I think I like the regular one more, but this was alright. I will definitely eat rest of the pack. :D 7/10.

Vegan Gorumet siidine peedihummus (Vegan Gourmet silky beetroot hummus)

I think this is the first beetroot hummus where I can actually taste beetroot. I really liked it! Vegan Gourmet things are amazing, I will definitely keep buying them. It is also better size, 200 grams. :D PErfect for me. But yeah, for this I would give 8/10.

Breyersi vegan jäätis pekaanpähkli ja karamelliga (Breyers vegan ice cream with pecan and caramel)

I had gotten out of habit having those low calorie ice creams, but I really wanted to try the vegan one. Their chocolate hazelnut vegan one is AMAZING. But this was a disappointment. Quite bland, if I am honest. Definitely not worth the money. 4/10, wouldn't muy again.

Sojapallid (Bon Soya soy chuncks)

I used them on pizza and I was really wondering if they are okay or something. My best friend also tried them and said that she is not used to the texture. I wasn't bothered by it and I think it tasted fine. :D I think I need to add more soy products into my menu, at the moment I don't use much of them. Mostly just tofu... but this was really good! I imagine you could make a nice pasta sauce with it, also you could make it into a burger or why not meatball soup. 8/10.

Vegeplus chilli võileivakate (Vegeplus chilli vegan cheese)

I really liked it on a pizza. Even though it really got stuck into my braces, but this is my own problem. :D My sister and best friend also had it and they didn't complain, so it was fine. It was positive it had chilli in it, added a nice spice. I got it from the vegan subscription box and well, it was perfect. I liked it more than their regular "cheese" (which was also okay). 9/10, one of the best vegan cheeses I have tried!

Tere taimne karamellipuding (Tere caramel pudding)

It was fine, but I liked chocolate one more. But it was really good as a dessert, so I can't really complain. My friend said she had it with an apple and that it was a perfect combo, I can see that. Not my favourite as a plain pudding. 6/10.

Gluteenivaba braunisegu (Gluten free brownie mix)

This was another product I got from the subscription box. I really liked it, though I think I should have kept it in the oven for 5 minutes less. It was actually very difficult to make. I have a gas oven. And I had set the gas level too low, so it just sat in the oven for an hour. I finally realised that there was no flame and managed to make it in the end. I served it with mint-chocolate ice cream (not vegan) and strawberries. Anyway, it was amazing and I couldn't say it was gluten free. 6/10. It is perfect for when a guest unexpectedly comes. I just needed to add some vegan butter and oatmilk.

Vegan Gourmet tummine põldoa määre (Vegan Gourmet hearty bean spread)

This... is another favourite? At first I looked at the ingredients and it had cellery in it, which I hate, but I couldn't taste it and it was really good. I have been really happy with all of their products, can't even pick a favourite. :D 9/10.

Anyway yes, quite a lot of new things. :D I follow this vegan group on facebook and some accounts in instagram who post about vegan products and as soon as I see something, I really want to try it. Like it was with this Breyers new ice cream. Travelled for an hour to get it (and it wasn't worth it at all). But yes, sometimes vegan products are just SO GOOD, I can't lie. I should do another month long vegan challenge (or why not even a longer one), but yeah. Still need to eat all of the non vegan stuff I have at home. :D

Then I have also been thinking about getting a vegan protein powder. There are so many good recipes with it and I know a lot of people use them. I eat a lot of carbs and I should pay more attention to protein, so I will think about it a little. If you can recommend me something, go ahead. Leave me a comment, write to me on twitter or instagram or something. :D

I hope my weekend will be nice (or at least okay) and things will get easier again.

Because who isn't stressed at the moment, am I right... Stressed due to the corona thing, vaccination thing or waiting for it, being in a lockdown, working from home and so on. This list is endless. Last time I saw my psychologist she also said that mental struggles are very high at the minute and it is not only me who feels like this. So this is normal.

Last spring I wrote about things to do when you are stuck at home, but I thought maybe another list would be useful. Just to remind them. As I have with my ED - I need to talk it out sometimes. And then listening to what you yourself are saying helps to put things into perspective. And sometimes talking to someone else also helps.

How did my weekend go? Well, my best friend came over and we had some food and drinks and watched a movie. And it was amazing. During the wole evening I didn't even think about food, talking was more important, also watching the movie. and yeah, we were talking about old times and watched some kpop videos... oh gosh I remember these times. :D We were HUGE fans. Like, really huge. God, I even went to London to attend a kpop concert and saw BEAST, 4minute and Gina. :D I have done many things in this life. Weird to think back. We watched some kpop videos and picked our favourite members and tried to guess each other's. It was fun. Oh yeah, I was talking about eating.

We had sweet potato fries, then veggies with dip... I also made brownies and we enjoyed it with mint-chocolate ice cream and strawberries. And I had some wine and my best friend had mojitos. And... yes, I ate more than I would have on a normal day. I had proper breakfast and dinner as well. And then the next morning came and I was ready to face the guilt. But like... they didn't come. Nada. A huge ass zero. Okay, I don't want to jinx it. I made some waffles as a brunch and we had them with nutella and fruit and berries. I looked forward to my guilt. And they still didn't came. Now my friend has gone home and I went to the store, had my third cup of coffee and THE GUILT IS STILL NOT HERE. I haven't done my exercise routine yet and I don't think I will do it today, because I am super tired. We turned the clocks and missed an hour.

And I am not bothered.

I also walked way less today, maybe only have about 2000 steps and I just don't care. I don't even want to think about food or talk about it. I got some apple juice from the store. Because I just felt like it. I didn't even check the calories, because I didn't care. And this feeling is SO FUCKING FREEING. I kept repeating this to my best friend. I kept going like heyyyy something is wrong, where is my guilt?! Where?! Did they perhaps went into the wrong flat? My neighbour is drilling, maybe they are there? I don't know, this is a complete mystery to me.

(Okay, adding this on Monday morning I have to admit I have gotten some guilt. :S So things are not as well as I thought they are, but my weekend was still good. At the moment my weight has gone up a lot again and I have a thought that tells me my shirt is a bit too tight and I should restrict a bit. One candy less or how about we don't have these cookies today?)

And a few days ago I had a complete mental breakdown over three cookies. What is happening? Why are they not coming when I expect them? Why do they come up to me without a reason? Like, go back where you came from, that would be amazing.

I don't know, I don't think I am healed yet. I looked myself in the mirror and thought that hell, my thighs have gone so fat. And then I went and donated my pants, because they were too tight. I don't care. What is the point of holding on to them. I can enjoy new clothes, that's nice! A reason to shop. Even though at the moment you can't really do that. But luckily I have some extra pants I have bought to grow into, so I am not really bothered by it. Today feels EASY. I have this weird calm feeling in me. It was nice to rest, do nothing, just lay on the couch, pet the cat, watch some YouTube, talk a bit and just chill. It really helped with my stress levels and I know I can face the next week now. I don't want to jinx it, but I have felt like... a normal human?! this is absurd, but ohmygooood it shows that things DO get better. And they will. Once you let go of the control.

I have taken a massive leap, I could cry. Tears of joy. I am so tired of dealing with the ED subjects. Yes, I like food, cooking, recipes, new products and so on, but it is not an obsession any more. I don't open a store homepage every morning to check what new things they have in stock. :D I am not thinking about my next meal constantly. :D I do not care what others have eaten. Okay, sometimes I still feel awful when someone mentions in the evening that "oh, I haven't eaten anything today", because I feel like I shouldn't have eaten as well then, but it doesn't linger. PEOPLE, WE CAN DO THIS. It is possible to get well. I am that example!! I am finally #goals. I repeat myself, I am not 100% well yet. I still haven't reached the normal weight and yeah, maybe it seems super easy and I feel so motivated, but I STILL have hard time someteimes. But I kind of want to show you that it is possible. Like, a year or even half ago I was in the rock bottom. Now things are so much more normal. I am almost normal!

But what to do when stress is too much? What do I do when I need to distract myself from food guilt or just other stuff? I will make a list, maybe there are some good ideas...

If I had written this post last week, it would have been super depressing, because I had so many emotions and I just felt like I wanted the world to end. It just felt disgusting. Life itself. It felt awful both physically and mentally. But now I am feeling a lot better as you can understand probably.

1. I read. At the moment I am reading three books in Estonian, and I am reasing them all at once. I like to change it up a bit. Also, I am liiking forward to book recommendations. I do have a Goodreads account as well, you can add me as a friend there!

2. I study. I have tried doing something every single day, but I have skipped a few. But whenever I walk to the store or something, I repeat stuff I have read in my head. To make it stick better. At the moment I am doing the basic courses in law, and I think things will get more exciting later. But I need to start somewhere.

3. I watch YouTube. Maybe I should write down some of my favourite channels? I have been thinking making a whole separate post about them though, I have it in my drafts somewhere.

4. I study a language. If you know English (haha, if you are reading this, you probably do), I highly recommend Duolingo. I picked Japanese at the moment, because I feel like I want to get back into it. First lessons are way too easy for me, but it is good, because I feel like I progress so much :D I haven't been studying for long, because I am focusing more on university stuff.

5. I talk to people. For example usually on Saturday or Sunday I walk around for a bit and call my mum. It has become a little tradition for us. She even said she keeps her phone near her on those days. And then I have also CALLED my friends. Also to my foreign frends, because my English is so rusty and I need to practice. :D

6. I go for walks. The weather is so nice recently and I don't want to sit at home all day. I should find my earphones and listen to music or something. I do not listen to any podcasts at the moment, I am just over them somehow. I used to listen to a lot of ED podcasts, but I don't care as much about it any longer, so I lost my interest in them. I just don't care. There are so many other things to spend my time on.

7. I look at pretty pictures. In pinterest or Tumblr. Yep, I am not ecen shamed. I am making moodboards on Pinterest and I look at the pictures about home decor and travelling etc. And then I am thinking that one day it is like this etc. And tumblr also has some nice pictures. I mostly follow travelling and food tags.

8. I write a blog.This is sometimes really nice and calming thing to do, especially when your mind is going crazy and you just want to rant. I don't think it is right for everyone, but it is nice to write things down. You can also do it in a personal jpurnal. I also scrapbook, which I find really relaxing. I stick a lot of photos into it.

9. I cook. Lately I have been trying out new recipes and I have some things I need to use up. Also, I have baked those vegan brownies I mentioned earlier, once I made pizza, which I hadn't done for a while and now I am thinking that my friend got me those mini cake moulds, maybe I should make a personal cake for myself. :D

10. I watch movies. Yep, me! Like I saw the Fat Front a few days ago and with my best friend we watched two other movies from Netflix - Work It and Feel The Beat. Both of them were nice. I thought about writing about them a bit more, but I can't be bothered. Trailers are pretty accurate.

11. I visit my sister. I am super glad she lives so close to me! She doesn't really go out, because she is a teacher and gives classes from home. But yeah, I need some human connection and even if I just go over to have a cup of tea, it is soooo nice. Honestly, if I can't talk to people I feel like I am going mad. So much about me being an introvert...

12. I read additional information at work. I have a very specific work are and I have been discovering it a lot more lately. It is quite interesting.

13. I work out at home. I usually do them for about 20-25 minutes only, but I think it is enough for me. I like moving a little and this gives me so much nice energy. Ideally I would like to start running soon, but it is a bit too cold yet. And I need to get my shit together for this, hehe :D. Maybe I will try tomorrow if it is not raining and it feels nice outside?

I think this is it for now. A lot of reading and studying, but this is something I didn't really talk about last spring. So I brought them out here. To fill the time, there are a lot of other options as well still, like I used to write a story, filled my bullet journal, did some online shopping... I also clean at home a lot and it feels super nice. :D There are many things to do.

But yeah, I just wanted to talk my feelings out and explain what and how I have been doing. Now finishing this post on Monday morning I am not that positive or motivating any more, but well... it is understandable. It is Monday and all that. At least I am back at the office, because I just can't get anything done at home. Crazy. At home I kept thinking "I want to go home" xD. Wasn't the nicest. Also at work you can actually dress up properly and feel like a human, at home I just sat around in my PJs. Yes, I could have gotten ready at home as well, but who can be bothered.

But if you have any more ideas on what to do during this time, please let me know. I think that a burnout in the current situation is really relevant topic and I just wanted to shed some light on it. Like when I look at my sister and she is super stressed 24/7, I feel bad. She works all week, because in addition to her normal classes she has several big projects with Education Department of Estonia etc. It is cool, but it is also very tiring and time consuming. And other people don't have it easier either. Hospitals are overcrowded and everyone are working on somehow handling the situation and every day life.

If you want to vent, feel free to share it. I would love to share stories and tricks of others as well.