I wondered for a while (again) what to write about. And then I discovered that I don't need to have a topic every time or try to teach people or explain things. I can just write about how I am feeling, what I am thinking, what is bothering me. What are my small wins and if there have been any relapses. I can write about whatever!

It is my last day at work before my vacation. I baked some muffins - banana, blackcurrant and chocolate ones. I really hope others like it, but I am a bit scared, as I didn't add too much sugar, I focused on bananas and chocolate and that they are sweet enough. But I can say that I liked them and... it was a big challenge. A huge one. But finally, three months after thinking about it, I baked them! I combined my friend's recipe and one that I found online. But they came out really fluffy and nice. And the smell... was amazing. I could still smell it in the morning. :D

Okay, now about my short term goals. Going over them to see if I have stuck to them. For example I wanted to add something extra to my porridge every day... and I did it. Today morning I had a fight with myself, about if I want to add cinnamon (safer choice) or cocoa. And I still picked cocoa, regardless of the fact that my weight has gone up by 100 grams again. And really, I have added something to my porridge every day. This feels so nice! And the taste has been nice and it is a good change to regular porridge. :D I should add kama again, I love kama (kama is Estonian national food actually, you can read more about it here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kama_(food)). I made yoghurt with kama and blueberries the other day and it was so good.

This week's vegan product was recommended by someone on my Instagram. This is coconut-mango yoghurt. It was very sweet, maybe even a bit too much, but I liked it. It also had proper mango chuncks in it, which is always a plus. I would give it 7/10!

My third goal was to have a savoury snack, which I didn't do this week, because I am more of a sweets person. :D But actually, I sort of did it! My mum came to Tallinn on Wednesday and in the evening we went out for food. And after this we went to the store and got garlic rye bread snacks and dip. Due to this, my yesterday was really really difficult and it felt that I had had too much food and I felt guilty all day. Today I am feeling a bit better already, but yesterday it was really tough. I just didn't know what to do with myself and I felt so freaking uncomfortable. But I still had all my meals and snacks. I have a deal with my sister that I will take a picture of every single meal and send it to them. She is not back in Viljandi too, but I want to be held accountable.

Regarding Viljandi... I am scaref of my vacation. I don't like when things are out of routine and I can't do what I want.

I decided to go to Viljandi on Sunday to visit my parents. It is in general quite stressful, because our own relationships are really bad sometimes, but I haven't been at my parents' since May and my dad is asking when I come every single day. All the berries are ready in the garden and we are also already getting some tomatoes and cucumbers. My mum brought some raspberries and blackcurrants and my breakfasts have been extra nice thanks to those.

Anyway on Tuesday we are going to Muhu island, then to Saaremaa island and then on Wedensday to Hiiumaa island. We have this summer trip thingy with my mum and sister every year. At the moment we are planning to have ice creams in a special shop at Muhu, then go to ostrich farm and to adventure park. In Saaremaa I want to see the coastline, visit Kaali crater and see the castle. And just enjoy walking around. In Hiiumaa I want to see Estonia's desert and Eifel tower copy... and see the lighthouses of course. But we don't have a set plan yet.

I need to do some research and see places where we could eat in Saaremaa-Hiiumaa. I need to find a place that has vegetarian options for me, but fish and meat options for my sister and mum, as they refuse to go to all vegan place.

But with this... I am really scaref of vacation. This being out of my regular rhythm, eating out, not moving enough and all that... this is so much. And when I am worrying about food, I can't enjoy the moments. Like when my mum came to Tallinn - it was really hard for me to focus on spending time with her, because I kept thinking that we are going out for a meal and then I thought that we are going to snack a lot and... my focus was on food all the time. I want to get rid of it already. I don't know. It is difficult. I am scared. Of course I hope and tell myself that everything will be fine and it won't be that bad, but I am still scared it will be tough. Oeh...

How about some new goals?

1. I am still going to try a new vegan product each week!
2. I will try to enjoy my vacation and not focus on food. I want to really see, if I get the moments where I can focus on something else and not worry. I feel like they are within reach, but they are yet so far. Just... keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, maybe it will help. :D
3. I will break my routine and not follow three meals and four snacks plan during my vacation. I will try to eat when others are eating or when I feel hungry. I am not saying I will stick to it for forever, but I want to try and do this during my vacation.

But yeah, I have a lot of fear in me and I can't think logically.