I don't know if you have felt it, but there are different kinds of hunger. One is like physical and the other one is mental. And I don't mean mental hunger as in craving for information. :D Anyway, one of them is like a physical feeling of emptiness - sometimes you feel a bit nauseous, you may get a headache and you feel empty. And then the other hunger is when you are physically full, it seems like nothing even goes down anymore, but you still think about food and about what you would like to eat.

I got addicted to the feeling of physical hunger. If I didn't feel it, I felt weird. I didn't like the moments after eating, because my stomach was bloated and it was so uncomfrotable. Even though it is just a normal feeling you get after eating. The only time I was okay with it was after dinner. Then I was used to feeling full. It was most difficult to handle this during lunch. To say it shortly - I lived in starvation.

The mental hunger also causes eating binges I think. Really - you may be super full, but at the same time you feel like eating SO MUCH more. I am kind of scared that recently I have been feeling it more. Like I still feel mentally hungry after having dinner and 1.5 kgs of watermelon. It is like... I can somehow feel hunger in my throat? :D It is really weird to describe it, but it is exactly like this.

At the same time I have understood that you shouldn't ignore mental hunger. Because if you do it, at some point you break down and eat so much that only throwing up seems like an option. I have never done it myself, but I have fel like this.

But for real... if you think about food, you are probably hungry. If you think about if you are hungry, you probably are. If you think about your next meal, you are also probably hungry. Yeah, sometimes it is also cravings and you could ask yourself "would I have an apple instead of chocolate" but in general... you should listen to your hunger. And if you get these thoughts, you should eat. Especially when you are recovering from anorexia.

I have noticed about myself that when both of my hungers - mental and physical - are not present, I have so much more room for different thoughts. And it feels good. It is like you take your desktop and clear all the saved stuff. There is more room. Everything feels so much... cleaner.

I am fighting adn getting used to feeling full. At the hospital as well, every time after a meal we gathered together and you could say if you are too full, full enough or something like this. I know that I in this 2 months I spent there, always said that I am too full. Especially after lunches. So another goal for this week is getting used to feeling full.

Why this kind of blog post - I went for a walk with a friend and I analyzed and described this aspect of an eating disorder. That you get addicted to the feeling of hunger in addition to seeing the number drop. It is like a high, like you are drunk. You get a boost of adrenaline. :D Oh my god it sounds so stupid and ridiculous and weird. I cannot believe myself. But it is so. Exactly like so.

I am quite interested if someone agrees? Have you thought about it? Does this speak to you?

How is it going with my weight? Well, as of today I have gained 600 grams. First 400 was okay, because then it wasn't the change in Big First Number. But now today it is a bit more difficult to accept. But at the same time with the first 400 grams... when I gained it, for the first time I thought that WELL DONE! :D And today I also thought that maybe I should have something less for breakfast but I didn't do that!

Okay, I should go over my goals for this week and make some comments.

Firstly, I wanted to add something extra for each porridge I had. Every day. I have done it only three times, but I will keep doing it at least until next Friday. Anwyay, on Saturday I added some cocoa, then on Sunday I added peanut butter powder and today I added peanut butter powder with vanilla. I had my porridge and thought that wow, today it is extra good. :D Even though at first I was like do I really need it. I am glad I did.

Then my next goal was to try something vegan. And this time I had this "like meatpie" one store sells in Estonia. And it was... amazing! I had a big fear regarding it - I didn't know the calories and it felt so big and greasy. And then someone told me it has calories in myfirnesspal and of course I had to check and then I cried and everything went shit. Today I am over it, but I really felt awful yesterday. Yep. Just because one pastry.

And thirdly - have a savoury snack. This was also done thanks to this pastry I had. I don't know, but I feel like I enjoy sweet snacks more. :D But anyway, I recommend this pastry to be honest. I also put it into a microwave for half a minute, so it was nice and warm.

On Friday it is my last day of work before two week vacation and I am thinking of baking something. For example some banana muffins, which I still haven't done in like three months!

Do you have a good banana muffin or banana bread recipe? I have one that my friend used, so I might use this...

But all in all, I need to step up my weight gain game. Weight gain is a goal. My friend and I had 31st as the agreement date and also I am seeing my doctor on the 6th so by then I need to show some progress. I will also continue with the three goals I described in my previous post and here... let's see how it goes. :)