One of the most difficult things for me is making decisions regarding food. Starting from the snacks and ending with the main meals. Not to mention eating out. It is especially difficult if something changes that I have planned ahead. But at the same time when I have made a decision, I finally feel at ease and I can like breathe freely. And get rid of the anxciety. Sometimes it is like this however - I make a decision and I am not happy with it, meaning it is in my mind constantly and it makes me really annoyed. And then at one point I realise that... it doesn't matter and I can change my mind. This knowledge is freeing. But these thoughts are in general very irritating.

Wear your masks guys.

Here I can tell about the story of today. I got this curd cream dessert that I planned to have as a snack. And then it started really bothering me, because I wanted something else instead. And then I was just constantly worried about what will I go today. Finally I decided that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that I bought it, it can stay in the fridge for some time and I CAN pick something else, my hands are free, I am not married to this decision. And then I could finally calm down. But at the same time I still got an odd thought about "maybe I should have stuck to my plan". I don't think anyone else plans and regulates meals or snacks like me. Probably no one even thinks about snacking.

So I have been thinking if all kinds of food plans are useful at all or are they instead too restrictive? I think I can understand both sides here. At the beginning it is necessary to have a plan, structure to follow. But when is it the right time to let go of it? And be intuitive. I don't know, if I am intuitive enough. :D Also with intuitive eating it is like... if I can pick between salad and a burger, which should I go for? I mean, I am hungry, I need energy and nutrition and I should pick a salad, but what if I crave a burger? One thing is being intuitive and eating when you are hungry, but how is it with cravings? Do you understand what I am saying?

Here I also think that if I think about food so much, then something is probably wrong - I probably haven't eaten enough? But at the same time I don't feel hungry, my stomach is full. I just keep thinking about the snack time and I am really stressed. As if I don't have anything better to do. But I have been following my hunger a little more. Even if it is not snack time, I have had one. I have given this permission to myself and I have been following it. In general, it is really importand to "allow yourself". When you have made this DECISION, life gets a lot easier.

It is the same with having main meals. Like, I can't imagine not knowing what I have for dinner tomorrow. I need to have a plan, even though I know I am going to the shops and I can change my mind and if I want to, I can have a takeaway instead.

Maybe I should challenge myself with not planning. Going to store every day and deciding on the spot what I feel like? And try not to worry about it in advance?

I have a feeling that it is time to set myself three goals once again and try to follow them during the week. I guess I am not starting them right away, as on the weekend I am going to my parents' place and things are a bit hectic, but I can do these next week.

1. I will decide about the meal on the day when I go to the store. And maybe I do challenge myself even harder and eat our or order in.

2. Have a dessert after lunch. I am setting this goal here because lately, my weight has been the same and I need to push it. I guess the weekend will help too, but it would be good idea to have this rule set. Besides at the hospital we always had a dessert after lunch and I haven't done this at home. Also, who wouldn't want something sweet after a mail meal? I would.

3. I will TRY, emphasis on the word try, pick a snack without checking it's calories. Until now I have always done this in order to be between 200 and 300 calories, but I want to try not worrying about it. Actually I have another challenge I really want to do, which kind of connects to this goal. I will see and maybe complete this next week. I can start on Monday and then make a post about it next Monday. It would definitely be an interesting post to read and write. :D

I think that three goals are enough. Seems good to me! I also want to challenge having someone else cook for me. I mean homecooked meal. At the same time this is difficult to do, as my sister doesn't cook. But well, at my parents' place it will be done, as my mum makes food. It has come to this somehow, whenever we go home, we are like guests. :D I am not complaining about it. I am a bit stressed though, but I am trying to thing logically and face the situations as they come. Lately I have been feeling a little less guilty in general, which is nice. I never thought it would happen, to be honest.

What else... like yesterday I randomly got the urge to eat a slice of cheese and instead of thinking no, I can't have it, I ate a slice of cheese. :D And I was happy.

Actually, about moving away, I am a bit excited to take my first proper steps towards veganism for real. I want to... try vegan cheeses, to be honest. :D I rememeber going to my friend's place and having some as a snack, and it was realllly good. By a company called Sheese and it was with caramellised onion? But anyway, it was really good. Also the vegan cheese they use on pizza at Mega Hea Pizza was pretty decent. A bit strange at the beginning, but I got used to it quite fast. In general I am really excited to try a lot of different foods.

I will definitely make a post in the end of the month, telling about different vegan snacks I have been trying this month. At the moment there aren't too many of them yet, but for some I have plans already and I have bought a few items. Maybe I will also add "accidentally vegan" products, because there are a lot of those. Anyway, in connection with that, I am open to suggestions, please share the good stuff with me.

Actually I am looking forward to my three challenges this week. :D So yeah, exciting. Just need to handle the weekend. :)

Adding this on Friday morning here, because I need to get this out of my head: I had a slight binge episode last night. I am just feeling really guilty now, especially because I know I am going to my parents' and there we are eating a lot more than usual. I understand that this food I had yesterday sits in my stomach still, but it was a mindfuck to see 800 gram rise. Not a good combo...

I still had proper breakfast (oatmeal with strawberries, banana and gingerbread seasoning, yum!) and I am planning to have proper snacks and meals throughout the day, but just... ARGHHHH.