I have a serious problem about hoarding things. Well, not the general stuff. No books, notebooks, just trash or clothes etc. I keep collecting food items.

For example I get really stressed when I don't have food items for the next day in my fridge. Even though I will probably go to store on the particular day, I still feel like I need to be stocked up. And then I buy the struff for several nights, but still go to a store "just in case" on those days and think if I need something else. But at the same time, I can NOT go, still thinking that I should though.

It is the same with all the snacks; I have a drawer FULL of them and every time I go to store, I keep thinking that I want something new and then I just pile up things :S. It really upsets me - why can't I just have the things I already own? Why do I need to buy something ELSE? This is just... I feel like I need to do it and I cannot resist.

I have tried to empty out the drawer, but now I have another 100 things there again. And then I don't even feel like having them, I want something else entirely - like some pastry, muesly, cereal or something like this.

In reality, collecting things is really common with people who have an eating disorder. It is connected to your brain which is constantly thinking that there is not enough food and it needs to be stocked up. So a lot of people with anorexia like to walk around in food stores, to be near food at least.

At least I have moved on from just looking at the items in stores. I actually buy them now and sometimes even have them. :D It used to be that I went to the food store, picked up something, looked at it's ingredients and nutrition info and then put it back and walked away. So there is some progress at least. :D Ugh, writing this down I can see how fucked up it is. And I never related this to an eating disorder in the past.

Hoarding has a lot to do with people who also have an OCD, and it is really common with people suffering from and ED. So to think about it like this, it makes perfect sense. But it is not that EVERY person with an eating disorder collects things. It is just one symptom and may not be relevant to you.

This being prepared thing is also annoying, because I am not flexible at all. For example I cannot decided that oh, today I want to get a takeaway - I have things to make food with so I need to use them. So I cannot be spontaneous. There is a really good article about it here.

With other things I don't feel the need to hoard at least. Sorting out stuff for my future flat, I have been thinking that I am so done with having the things and I wish I could just throw everything away. :D To start fresh! At the moment I have managed to throw many things away, I have kept some REALLY nostalgic stuff though. Like postcards and letters I have gotten - I could never throw them away. People have taken some time in their day and written to me, boughed a postcard and this is sooo sweet and soo important to me.

My sister on the other hand is really opposite. She doesn't care about food items, but collects other kind of stuff. :D I think I used to be more like her. I bought a lot of things, my favourite were books from second hand stores, magazins, clothes, sometimes even make up (even though I do my makeup like maybe once a month :D) and so on. I never had only one thing I collected. I remember in elementary school though I used to collect stickers, but they didn't at least take up much room. :D Put them all into a book and then exchange the good stickers with others. God, this is so nostalgic to think about. :D

But yeah, this hoearding thing is a big topic for me. But I wanted to write this down, maybe it is a wake up for me and if I make the promise to eat all the stuff here, I am more likely to actually do it. I think I will post more on Instagram stories and maybe have some polls, because I can never decide what to have. :D

I also wanted to brush upon the fact that my medication subscription was over and for 5 days I didn't have my meds. I felt really good for the first 3 days, even though I was suddenly really emotional. For no reason I had tears in my eyes or I started giggling at random stuff.

Then came insomnia. I have had some insomnia episodes (I slept MAX 2-3 hours per night) and being in the same kind of situation again was awful. On the next few days I felt as if I was seriously hangover. My hands were shaking, I couldn't focus, my head was spinning, I felt nauseous and my heart was beating a lot... at one point I told my coworker that I feel so shitty I think I need to go home. 

But then I got my meds, I picked them up during my lunch and believe it or not, but 1.5-2 hours after taking them I felt like human again. All the side efects just went away. And I finally felt like living again. Of course I am a bit sad to lose the emotions again, but yeah... I think maybe I will discuss with my doctor if the dose can be slowly lowered? At the moment I am taking a substential amount. And some of the emotions were really... nice.

Anyway, do you collect something? Preparing to the end of the world as I seem to do?