My mini goals was to be more flexible with picking dinners, eat a dessert after lunch and not check calories on items when I am having a snack.

Monday

It was really difficult, as my weight had gone up and these moments hurt me a lot. I felt really bloated and uncomfortable.

I already thought that I won't be having dessert after all, because my snacks have become bigger anyway, but I still did it. We have a new coworker and he brought everyone cake pops. It was my first time trying one. I thought that this is a new thing and I really want to try it. I don't want to be the person who always opts out.

And for lunch snack I had creme brule flavourited cottage cheese. I KNOW it has more calories than my regular snacks, but I managed to get over myself and not look the calories up. To be exact. In the morning I also had Eat Natural bar, but on that I checked the calories as well - I just couldn't not to. But yeah, at least with one snack (and also with dessert) I managed.

Tomorrow is my coworker's birthday and he said that during the morning meeting he will bring us some food. Getting this information made me really anxious already, but I try and take it as it comes. I'll just have this as a dessert. Good thing. I am not going to skip it like past me would!

Tuesday

So today was my coworker's birthday and he brought us savoury carrot pie and apple-raisin pie. I had several pieces of them both! Savoury and sweet. In addition to this I had a proper lunch and then also ate a full tub of curd cream, flavoured with cinnamon and cranberries. And I didn't check the calories on it! It was difficult, but I had gotten used to this idea. I don't know about tomorrow, but I am trying to keep this dessert habit up.

Wednesday

Today was really difficult. I had my morning snack and then I already thought about what to have as a dessert. And then my coworker brought kringels, because it is going to be his last day tomorrow. And then I thought about having something smaller as a dessert and a piece of sweet pastry later, as a snack, but I did the opposite and had the pastry as a dessert. :D How many times can I say dessert in this post?! Anyway, I didn't know it's calories as well. It was with orange cream and it was really good!

Anyway yeah, this was a lot more difficult than on the previous day, because it was a huge surprise. Also I had bigger meal as a lunch than I usually do, so in my head, my eating disorder voice banged pots and pans together and yelled that I shouldn't do it. I don't know, I thought that when I have done something for 2 days already, it becomes easier (like with the bigger snacks. At first it felt it was "too much" but some days later it was normal already), but it hasn't happened so far. Today is the third day only though. I will try and keep it up tomorrow and on Friday, because well, I made a promise to myself.

Yesterday I also had my psychologist appointment and according to weigh in at the hospital I have only gained 100 grams in a month. So this is quite little and they want to see more progress. I don't know, my scale at home shows different things. :D Anyway, yeah. My psychologist wasn't too happy, but at the same time she didn't have much bad things to say, as I brought out a lot of positives and stuff I am really excited about and I also talked about how I can see myself being in the better place than I was at the beginning of the year. I think I mentioned I read over my old posts and I couldn't believe how negative and annoying I was? Anyway yes, with this Signe, the difference is real.

Oeh, I don't know what came over me, but I had some chocolate pudding and then I took a piece of cheese kringel, that my coworker also brought. My stomach was really full and I felt nauseous, but I don't know if I just imagined it? This disgusting feeling of it being a binge and a fear that maybe I will become a bulimic. Disgusting!

Thursday

By today morning I had calmed down a little, but I still had some extreme guilt. Especially considering that last night I didn't miss my fruits or dinner. And this morning I made fear food porridge, meaning I added chai spice with a lot of calories into my porridge. It was good, but really difficult, I keep thinking if it was a right decision. In general I have a lot of thoughts about was it the right thing. And that maybe I should have picked something else.

I hope I will do well with my dessert and lunch. There are some pastries left from yesterday, and I already decided having them again. So today I am at least ready for them... but I don't know, I just feel really weird since yesterday.

Anyhow, I managed to get over my fear and in addition to snacks I had some more of the sweet kringel. It was really good, I kind of want more. But at the same time I know I will have proper dinner and I am full. So here I have this dilemma of "am I hungry" or do I just crave it. Of course I would like to honor my cravings, but at the same time I also know I would feel physically really uncomfortable, if I did. I can't stop the thoughts. Annoying. So yeah, in general having a dessert today was easier, but I think it was thanks to being prepared. Not knowing what is to come, I wouldn't have been able to do it...

Friday

Today I am determined to eat the dessert after lunch, even though my weight had gone up by 900 grams. I just don't understannnnd. I should probably calculate the weekly average, but I don't want to do that so I am just stressed instead. But I am trying to get over it. Feel shit, but do it anyway. Today I have a plan and I feel quite okay - I have made the decision in my head.

What else... I have been doing quite well with not checking the calories. In many cases, it has been impossible to calculate them. And today I got some yoghurt dessert with toffee and caramel and... I don't remember how many calories it has! :D Like, for the first time I am forgetting this thing! :D Seems like fighting with myself for a week has proven to be useful. I just need to not check the calories when I am about to have it. But maybe I can do this!

And today is finally Friday. This week has been ESPECIALLY tiring. I haven't had a day where I have just gone home after work and done nothing. I kind of need a day like this. But at the same time I really like doing things and being social - I have seen so many friends. My November goal also was to do more things with people, in order to discover what I like and kind of get the focus to shift from food and depression. I have been doing well.

Also I FINALLY decided I will do the secret challenge thingy next week. I will start on Monday and write about it on Friday. :D At the moment I don't have any more short-term goals... I guess I will just keep it up with having desserts and not checking the calories. I won't set any more new goals at the moment.

I get to move to my own flat in 8 days... somehow it feels longer than a month. :D It is getting closer, but it still seems sooo far. I ordered a bunch of things that are starting to arrive soon. Can't wait. :D On the weekend I hope I can pop by some furniture store and check out some more sofas. I need to make a decision, because my parents are coming soon and this is the only chance to get the furniture. But I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I went to the stores with them. So weird - my OWN home and I can pick stuff that I like. Seems so unreal. :D That this is it now. It is not temporary. It is final. Or at least at the moment I am thinking that it will last for quite some time. Aah, how exciting!