I have tried out my air fryer a couple of times by now, but I haven't really made anything elaborate. Even though I would like to try something out. What holds me back is motivation and the fact that I am again kind of stuck with the same meals, meals that are safe. Like I haven't made pasta in a long time, rice is a big fear etc. I don't know, I have these fears again. It is always easier to have salad with salmon or eat a lot of vegetables.

For real, at one point I thought I need to do this alphabet challenge again, because... things are tough. My weight has gone up (yesterday at the psychologist's appointment it was really tough, as she said that I am at the normal weight and should stay there. I guess she meant that I can't let it go down again, but of course to me it sounded like you are normal enough, no more weight gain allowed) and I keep thinking about it. I have reached another goal... It is so sick that even though my goal was to gain weight, I feel like I failed and I need to start doing better. Does it ever end? When can I start living normally and not think about food and calories that much? Does it ever go away? At the moment I feel like it won't. There are some moments when I am eating and thinking that "well, this is food", but there are a few of them. I still can't eat out of the ordinary. Also I still can't eat more than others. So I like to spend time with people who eat as much as I do. xD 

What have I made with my air fryer? For example I got some frozen falafels and heated them up. (I checked their calories just now and I have become upset, because it says less on the package :S.) Anyway, these came out really well. When I have made them in the oven or on the pan, they get all mushy and weird. But in the air fryer they came out to be crispy on the outside and soft on the inside.

Then I also tried making some sweet potato. I took a faw one, cut it in the cubes and threw them in. And omg, they came out perfectly roasted. Just right! I really like it, it is so easy to make them.

I would also like to try and make bagels, I have found several really simple recipes for them, but I feel like there isn't an occasion where I should make them. Because I always have porridge for breakfast and I don't know, not in the mood for bread for lunches and for dinner it seems too small. But maybe I will try them out at some point.

Do you have an air fryer? What have you made with it?

As I just wrote a letter to my eating disorder, I thought I want to write to people that have helped me.

So thank you, if you are reading this blog, sometimes comment on it and think along. My heart wants to jump out of my chest, when I read these words. Every time I get butterflies, when someone leaves a comment. Or if you write to me on Instagram. Honestly, I love you. I don't really have many emotions due to the medication I am on, but on these moments I really do feel something and it is amazing. I never expect anyone to write, so when someone does, this emotion is so real.

Thank you to my best friend who has never pushed anything on me, who has just let me be. Even at the times things were the most difficult, she just asked how I am doing. It is the best thing, no one was able to "make" me better, I had to get here myself. Thank you for letting me do my stupid routines and rituals, thank you that you haven't made all of our get togethers about food and thank you for always listening to me and telling my I am doing good, thank you for saying nice things when I complain about having overeaten. Thank you for being so normal and not letting me disappear into my head. Thank you for asking if something or the other is okay, thank you for just keeping me company and making me think for myself. Thank you for sending me stupid tiktok videos, thank you for sending me pictures and letting me know that living normally is possible. Thank you for showing me I don't need to walk 20 000 steps every single weekend, thank you for helping me learn how to rest. Thank you for not talking only about me but also sharing your own struggles. Thank you for letting me help you as well. Thank you for always supporting my choices, even if you haven't agreed to them. :D Thank you for telling me later that I was sick and fucked up, thank you for always being honest. :D I am unable to express myself better, but I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to my other best friend, because even though you are far away, I can feel your support. Yes, maybe we don't talk that often, but some of my favourite memories include you. :D I remember well when you told me that it is okay to say no and you don't need to explain. Thank you for showing me I can do things just for myself. Thank you for always being there for me, even though you are far, thank you for listening, thinking and talking. Thank you for showing us Japan and making everything be perfect. :D Honestly, talking to you is like breathing fresh air, it is freeing and powerful and nice and amazing.

Thank you to my friend who I can talk about everything, share some pointless new products, talk about whatever. Thank you for writing to me from the hospital, that you supported me coming there and thank you for telling me things that help me keep going. Your classic - who am I being thin for, is worth more than words can describe. :D Thank you for always going for walks with me, listening to me when I have hard time and thank you for always having eating competition with me and thank you for making plans to walk 100 000 steps with me. :D Thank you for being so beautiful and inspiring. God, this is cheesy, but just... it is true. :D

Thank you to my friend who came to visit me in Tartu, even though you live in Tallinn and was there for just a moment. Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you to always agreeing going to cafes with me, thank you for listening and even though we don't talk every day, you are always ready to do this. :D Thank you for making a slide show of your life when we haven't seen for a long time, thank you for the road trip to Viljandi and going to the nature with me, taking pictures and so on. You are worth so much and I hope that when we are both in our 80s, we still go to a bog for a hike. :D

Thank you to my friend who sent me tons of books to the hospital and to who I can rant about my work, thank you for being so careful and brave. Thank you for hosting a PERFECT Harry Potter themed party and thank you for being a physical person with me (inside law joke). :D Thank you for asking if we all are gonna get four leaf clover tattoo in order to remind us about friends. :D

Thank you to my friends who have small kids, but who always find time for me as well, who compliment me, who share their small wins and losses. I would like to remind you that I am always ready to accept kids' pictures and gosh they are so cute! :D Thank you for being good mothers, good friends and good company.

Thank you to my sister who never gets tired of telling me "honey, it is okay", when I complain about eating something that wasn't as delicious and I feel like I wasted calories. Thank you for, even though you are super busy, still sometimes calling, asking me out for a coffee and sharing something nice with me. Thank you for watching stupid series with me, listening to me venting and never get tired of telling me what you had for lunch or dinner. :D

Thank you to my niece who visited me in Tartu a lot, thank you for sharing my excitement of books and who you are such a good company and who you do such fun thins. :D I will never get tired of listening to the stories about your hikes in the forrest, what you ordered from Aliexpress. Thank you for sharing your work stories and being so positive about it. :D You are really inspiring and you make me think and I am so glad we started to talk and see each other again. :D I missed you.

Thank you to my online friends, who I can talk to all the time, who you share your Instagram stories and who I can always write to. :D Lately I haven't talked to many of you, but I know you guys are there, when I need to rant, complain, or share something good. :D

And thank you to everyone else who know what is happening to me, but who you are my little cheerleaders all the time. Thank you for helping me with moving, thank you for wishing me happy birthday, thank you for spending time with me at the psychiatric hospital, thank you for asking me how I am doing and thank you for reading about it, learning about it and Googling about it. :D

Thank you to each and every one of you who I didn't bring out specifically, because every good word, every look, every message is teep in my heart and I think about it a lot. :D Even if we don't talk anymore, thank you. :D Thank you to old friends who have found me, who write to me unexpectedly, but whose messages mean a lot.

So all in all, I am someone who takes everything into heart. I can think days about someone's messages and then I share them with my friends, like omg, xxx wrote to me and said this and that. :D I never keep anything to myself, because sometimes I worry that people turn away from me.

Yesterday at the phychologist I talked about how some people have just gotten rid of me very suddenly and this is why I have a fear of abandonment and I never say no to people and events. This is a serious problem. There is so much fear in me about being left alone, even though life has shown there is ALWAYS someone. :D

Dear lord, this post is SO random. But honestly, challenges are going to return soon, I just really haven't had much time. :D For next one I have a proper plan so I hope I will manage to do this, but if not, you can read about me complaining about binge eating again, so I am saying sorry just in case.