I have thought a lot about this cheat day mentality lately and I have been thinking about eating properly for the six day and then binging out on the seventh. But then I thought that pretty much every day for me is a cheat day. :D Though lately it has been like cheat days and then one EXTREME chear day. So like, usually I eat a few hundred calories more than I burn and then on one day I eat about 1000-2000 calories more. Or even more! :D I don't know, I just can't keep up with normal eating, I always have an ice cream, a bag of chips (or two) and so one, because I am addicted to food. And I just really hate the phrase "cheat day". The same as I don't like someone calling low calorie food guilt free. Because all food is just food, it does not have morality.

I am really upset over one commercial on TV, for healthy ice cream. Like I honestly just cannot. -.- You can see it here (See reklaam siis). And I really like this ice cream. Especially the chocolate banana one, but simply because of this ad I refuse to buy it (it says things like guilt free, fat free = good for you).

I talked to someone on Tinder the other day and about how his is trying to get healthier. And I said that I don't really want to start restrixting anything, because I know where it leads to.

But well, yeah. In this post I mostly wanted to write about my huge cheat day and Eurovision, because...

Watching this has always been my guilty pleasure. And I remember how me and my sister recorded it on TV and then made up some dances to our favourite songs and sang along loudly and wrongly. :D But it has started to become popular again. Which is fun, it is cool to talk to people about it. I was so sad last year it was cancelled.

Me, my sister and her friend ordered some food from Ginger restaurant. And then we discussed like what should we get and they said that maybe we should have two naan breads and I was like... no, everyone needs to have a full one. :D So we got some cheese-garlic naan and it was super good. On some places they are not very cheesy, but it was soooo cheesy there. :D Jahlfrazie Vegan was the dish that I took, it was with tofu. Others decided on Peking chicken and some fish thingy, which I also tried. And everything was really good, I mean it was way better than something like Little India. :D And I haven't had tofu in a long time. On the picture you don't see rice on the third plate, but don't worry, I took some as well, I just wanted to take the picture fast and start eating. :D

Anyway yes, the day started well, I had porridge for breakfast and for lunch I made some omelette with cottage cheese salad and also had an apple. I really wanted to skip a meal(s), but I didn't, because I knew I would overeat if I did. Which I still did.

I mean, I was super full after the meal. It was difficult to finish the naan, but it was so good I just had to... and then my sister had a bag of tortilla chips and a bag of garlic rye bread crisps and I had them all by myself. The others were too full, but I just COULDN'T stop myself. On the moments like this I get this "all or nothing" thought and I keep eating and eating and eating. And then after the Eurovision I went home and thought that I would like to have something else, even though I was feeling sick and physically there was no room for food in my stomach.

On the next morning I wondered if I should have breakfast or not, but I did make porridge in the end. And honestly, I felt so sick and nauseous from food, but I still finished the whole bowl, because it is weird to leave food and I like the eating process. I don't know, what do I have to do to become normal?

Then I went for a walk and legit just strolled around for 4 hours. But I walked quite slow, so it wasn't too many steps. I felt guilty, but not as much as usual. Though I am already stressing about nect week and for the fact I am going to visit a friend and we are going to order food again. :D

My weight had gone up a lot after the Eurovision of course and it ruined my day, it was difficult to deal with myself. I didn't know WHAT to do... I just kept thinking about the last night. Ruminated. My psychologist is definitely proud of me for remembering this word. She said last time that ruminating means when cows are digesting food and it means that you think about what happened a lot, feel guilty and depressed and all kinds of emotions. Usually I am the one who worries about stuff in advance, we did a map where I said that 60% of the time I worry because of the future, then 30% of the time I ruminate and about 10% of the time I am able to be present. She gave me some practice on how to get better at it - but honestly, it didn't help much.

It works like this: you look around and notice 5 red (or any other colour) things and count them. Then you listen to the noises and notice 5 different sounds. There was one more thing which I can't remember at the moment. Anyway, it makes you focus on the present. But yeah, practice definitely helps. And logically it does help, because you come out of your head and see what is happening around you. It is a start to focus back on the future. It is also nice to take a few moments and just breathe calmly, try to empty your mind and walk around in your body, to see where you hold the tension and try and relax these parts of your body. I like that she teaches me stuff like this, because with my last psychologist, I just ranted for an hour and then went home just like that.

But I also wanted to write about the Eurovision songs that I liked and the first one is of course Italy (listen here: ITAALIA) who also won. :D And honestly, it was not my favourite at the beginning, but now I have listened it again and I think it is pretty good. And it is nice to have one of the original countries win.

Next Iceland (listen here:ISLAND), which was my top favourite and who I voted for. :D I wanted the proper Eurovision experience and let myself make a call. They seemed really shy and awkward, but this is what makes Eurovision into Eurovision, they had definitely gotten the memo! A show and everything, proper ESC.

Then I also really liked Lithuania (listen here: LEEDU) who had a proper corona song about how you dance alone at home and make it into a discoteque. :D It was again funny, but I still liked it. It was nice. I already remembered it from the first semi final. Also in general the first semi final was so much better than the second one. But there were a lot of good songs alltogether. Also the voting process was really cool, I liked how they added public's voices at the end, it really made it more exciting. :D

Then... at the moment I can't say I support Israel (listen here: IISRAELI) because of what is happening at the world. Also this song's title in this context sounds so bad. But at the same time I don't want to blame the singer, it is not her fauly. She is just a toy. In general I want to say that I liked this song. But I didn't vote for it and I hoped it didn't do well. But the SONG itself was pretty decent. I just needed to bring this out.

Also very different - I liked Azerbaijan's (listen here: AZERBAIJANI) sond Mata Hari. It had a good beat and it was interesting, very different. I just liked it. :D Can't really comment much on it, but I wanted to mention them.

And finally I would also like to mention Norway (listen here: NORRA), which I really enjoyed. :D And honestly, I could listen to this normally, not like Azerbaijan, Lithuania and Iceland that just fits into Eurovision. This was a good popsong.

From the semi final I remember some more songs that I liked. For example Czech Republic. Also I enjoyed Ukraine and Russia and... well, let's say 80% of the songs were nice. :D It has been a while since we had such a good Eurovision Song Contest. :D

Who were you rooting for? Did you watch and vote? Will you, next year? :D Have you, previously? For a few days now I am going to think about Eurovision a lot, before moving on with my life.

I promise there are new challenge posts coming soon as well, I have some ideas and some that I am doing right now. :D Today I wanted to make one as well, but I was just too tired, I am thinking that maybe next weekend... I will try. I need to plan it out a little more. :D But at the same time next weekend is the one I finally don't have any plans for and I can REST.

Also got a vaccination appointment as well. When they opened the registration for it, I waited for a whole day and they suggested me a time in August on the other side of Estonia. So when they added new time slots on 22nd of May, I set an alarm and woke up at 8:30 am... to finally log in at 11:30. :) Anyway, I will be getting my first jap on 1st of June! I am getting Pfizer, but I am not worried at all, I would be happy with anything, to be fair. I just want it to be done. Wanna feel a little safer and not worry about infecting others. This has been my biggest fear, I am not afraid for myself to be honest.

To conclude, I would say that this weekend flew by so fast and I would like to rest a bit more. I slept a little during the day on Sunday, because I was just super tired. And I also went to bed quite early, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. That's what happens when you get old...

I also wanted to mention that recording the audiobook is going fine, I have recorded at least one chapter every day. I also got feedback in which they said I read very well, this was nice! :) And it is exciting for me as well. :D The most difficult part is pronouncing the names and pleaces, but I think I have managed quite okay. I wonder if I could listen to what I have recorded later on? I tried, to check how the quality was, but it was terrible... :D I can't stand my voice at all.

On Saturday before going to watch Eurovision my sister's friend and I went to some stores and I actually bought CLOTHES. I got quite a few things, so I feel good. And it was nice change, while we were shopping, I didn't even think about food, clothes seemed interesting and I wasn't obsessing over going to food store. Usually this is what happens with me. I could spend hours in food stores, haha. :D 

Anyway, I will keep ruminating and see you next time.