I think my braces story starts when I was about 14-15. Then I discovered that my teeth were crooked and bother me when I am eating, I always had to bite in a certain way and also my gums looked terrible. All the dentists I saw kept telling me that they weren't bad enough to get free braces.

When I was still 18 and had free dental care, they still kept saying the same.

When I turned 20 and free dental care ended, all the dentists were surprised that I hadn't gotten braces. Okay. This made me really upset. I guess they know better? I don't know, I used to think I was fine, but I always went to the dentist in my hometown and the quality there wasn't the best. At least I have heard many stories that say so. Okay, what's next?

When I was around 20-21, I got the moulds taken from my teeth, but my parents didn't have enough money to help me get braces. I saved up for a really long time, years and years.

Now later I have realised that my eating disorder also kind of sprung into action due to my teeth. I could change everything about myself - my haircut, my eyes, my clothing style and... my weight. I thought that as I was too poor to get braces, maybe I can make myself more likeable when I weighed less. Then I started getting compliments and comments about that and no one cared about my teeth anymore.

People have always told me that my teeth weren't that bad, that they never noticed them etc. But it just made me sooooo unsure of myself. I had a huge block in talking to new peoplr, I never wanted to talk when someone was taking pictures, I was always the one listening not talking. I just felt disgusting. I cried so much about that. :D Like honestly, it was so difficult and hard.

Then in 2018 I thought that okay, that is enough. I will look up a little about braces. I read a blog about braces and learned about a company called Maxilla. I read a lot of reviews and finally made a plan that yes, I will get my teeth sorted out there. I sent them a mail and asked for an appointment, which would have been... 2021 summer. Nice wait.

Then around 2019 summer the called me and told me that they have a free time in autumn, as someone cancelled their appintment. Would I want that? Of course!

I spent some time at the hospitals and almost forgot about my appointment. Also it appeared that I needed to fix a lof of teeth before gettinf braces, I needed to get rid of my wisdom teeth etc. But I was ready to do it and this is how my journey started. And in 2020 February I finally got braces.

And this time has been really difficult. I had to ware some rubber bands that always got on the way or I lost them. My teeth were aching each time after seeing the doctor, not to mention the money I had to spend. But as soon as I got braces, I already got much more confident. Because finally people saw I was working on fixing my teeth! Yes, I didn't like being on the pictures with braces, because they were big and annoying, but I still started to talk to new people more and get over this block I had with communicating.

It was shocking to see how fast my teeth changed. :D At one point I did wonder why did I have to wear the braces for so long, if I could already see the result. :D But yeah, this journey was long.

And now finally I am free from braces! Every time I pass a mirror I stop and look at my teeth and smile a lot. I would like to walk with my mouth hanging open all the time. I want people to see my smile. Finally sayings like "smile!" and "you have a nice smile" don't make me upset. This seems like something positive. Like... it has been a huge change. Both mentally and physically.

My journey is not over yet, as I have to wear the invisalign things that are really annoying. Also there are wires behind my teeth that stay there and help me not lose my nice smile. I am not used to them yet, but I hope it passes soon. Actually getting used to these things happen quite fast.

I wanted to write a lot longer post and explain things more, but... I just wanted to say that I am happy with the result and it was worth it!

When someone says my teeth wasn't crooked - I couldn't even eat normally.

On Thursday I had my psychologist appointment, where I just cried. Everything was just too much and I don't want to exist. It is difficult to live like this. We did some breathing exercises together and then she made me drink water, because it was really hot and I did cry a lot.

We came to a realisation that I have trouble with making decisions. I always want to make the "right" choice. But what is it? She said that with every choice, there is something I like and something I don't. This can't be helped. It is not possible to make a right choice and everything turn out to be perfect. It just isn't.

I wondered for a long time if I should go to my relative's place in Tartu or let myself be alone. Because I wanted both. And I know that if I go, I will definitely think at least once that I wish that I was home alone, but if I don't go, I will regret it.

Anyway, my doctor said that this would be a good exercise. Like even if I get negative thoughts, I can bring myself back to reality and be grateful for what is important. I will see someone close to me, I can talk, I see some of Estonia, I get outside etc. And I need to focus on these things.

I still don't feel any emotions. Or like, if I do, they are mostly negative. I am sad a lot. Mostly because everything seems to pointless and awful and I HATE this life. My psychologist is super positive and keeps telling me that we are trying to fix this and we are on our way. We shall see. :D I have some doubts, because I have been suffering with this depression for half of my life and it HAS NOT GOTTEN BETTER. Yes, I have had some better periods, but these are not IT, I still haven't really felt anything and argh, this just makes me annoyed and upset. I would like to know what does happy mood, happiness, excitement, positive nervousness etc feel like. Instead I get all of those negative things that are not helpful to anyone and make people worry about me. And I have also understood that no one else can make me happy. It needs to come from within. And if you are not at peace withy yourself, you can't make others happy as well.

What else... I ordered some vegan bbq meat from Vegan Gourmet for midsummer day and I will pick some up from the store as well. I am going to Viljandi for midsummer, I haven't done that in years. We shall see who else is going to be there. I just feel like I need to TRY and communicate a little more with my family. And like the psychologist said - if I can't do a lot, I can try a little. I can come back to Tallinn sooner, I don't have to stay for super long time etc. I can just go for a little bit and it is fine.

And my mum also said that there aren't right coices. But that there aren't wrong choices either. Which is true, I guess. I really like sharing everything here after my appointments, because I will remember stuff better this way. :D

But yeah, in general Thursday was very hard for me. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was just super tired. But I don't know how to rest.

I just really hope now that it will be nice in Tartu and I don't have to think too much and can just enjoy life. Also, for example on Wednesday my friend wrote to me and asked if I am up for a meeting. And my first reaction was of course "no, I have planned my day". But I wasn't really booked, it was just difficult to do something without knowing the plan in advance. So I thought that hey, I just wrote to my blog that I want to do something unexpected and agreed to meeting him. And it was interestinf. Like, nice. I think. It was nice to talk and sit and just be. Something normal. So thank you.