I Won't Quote

I didn't really even think about doing this challenge, because I am more of a sweets person. But then I was wondering what I could do for one day and decided to try this challenge after all. Besides, if I am completely honest, I grew tired of my morning porridge for a change. :D I think starting from the next day I will be back at it, but I still gave it a shot. Besides, I love a good challenge.

Breakfast

I thought about it for a long time. I Googled so many recipes, but finally I was like... I can just make something simple. So I made some scrambled eggs with mushrooms and cheese. And I got SUPER full. I made the scramble with four eggs, because I didn't really have anything on the side and I wanted to be well fed. It was good. :D Also interesting that when I have my sweet porridge in the mornings, I am always like, okay, this is done, when is it lunch again. :D But at the moment I am just really full.

Had some pickles on the side. Because sometimes I get these cravings for pickles or sauerkraut or something like this and I had this in the fridge luckily this time.

Of course I had it with a lot of ketchup and mayo, because withput these things it is not possible to have eggs. :D Unless you use eggs to top your sandwiches, but even then I often add mayo.

Anyway, it was super strange. During eating I thought that I wish I had made porridge, but at the same time it was still nice as well. My vacation also just started and I slept in a little, it was nice to make something more interesting for breakfast. I thought about many things, like savoury pastries and bagels and everything, but I didn't want to spend THAT much time on making breakfast.

We shall see how long I stay full, but I have a feeling it will be quite a bit. :D

And then at one point I started getting ideas about missing lunch, because I was still full and I had a lot of snacks planned and my weight was higher this morning, but at the same time I wondered why. What was the point? I need to eat anyway and I need to gain some more weight and get my period back.

It was surprising that when I stepped on the scale and saw a bigger number, I thought that who even cares. It is just a number. So sometimes there are days like this and I feel like these are coming to me more and more and it is amazing.

Now I should do something useful, for example go for a walk, but at the moment I feel kind of... tired. I am full and I am wondering that maybe I will instead have another coffee and postpone going for a walk... but I would like to get some steps in, because later I am going to get my vaccine and I want to have my lunch at peace. And I can't be without walking at the same time.

Today would be a good day to start some step challenge, as I am writing this post on the first of June. But at the same time I can't be bothered. I don't want this walking to become an obsession again, I have been trying to get rid of this habit. Like, I guess I still walk more than a normal person, but at least I don't feel like I NEED to hit a step goal every frigging day. I am doing another challenge at the minute as well though that has something to do with steps, haha. :D But we shall see when I finish it, as it doesn't really have an end date.

It is weird to be at home while others are working. I just checked the time and thought that it is in the middle of our meeting and I am sitting at home, having coffee and just chilling. Me and my best friend usually send each other outfit pictures and when she sent me one this morning, I was like... why is she going to work on Saturday, hahaha. :D

On Wednesday she is coming to my place, we are ordering some food and something. Yesterday it was really tough day mentally, even though it went well at work etc. I managed to write a lot of analytical text and my boss was really pleased, it was nice.

I should actually do some more studying, because time is flying by and soon I need to apply to the uni... should look up when it is exactly.

Talking more about food, I think today will be perfect day of eating. Enough protein, fats and carbs. I haven't counted the calories, but it seems to be a day where I have enough of all macros, though the snack ruins it a little. :D

I have been thinking about posting more about what I eat in a day? Would it be helpful or would it make you compare yourself to me and make you feel guilty? I have both emotions when I see posts like this - sometimes it is good to see what others are having and you get some good ideas, but if someone eats very little, I immediately think that oh no, I am having too much of something. I will think about it more. Or I don't know, I should make similar challenge as today's again. But now I don't know what is next, spicy foods? :D Why not... though I am afraid my taste buds would be like Signe what the fuck are you doing, haha. :D

I finally managed to translate some posts to my English blog, even though I am still very much behind. But I have more readers in my Estonian blog. Though there are some people who read this as well and they say I write well, though I have my doubts... I don't really have any plans for my post, I just write down whatever I am thinking about. So this is why my style is really jumpy, from one topic to other. :D

There is another challenge I would like to do - 24 hours without social media. It sometimes makes me really stressed and anxious. Especially when I open my FB messenger and there are several new messages from several people. I don't want to be rude and not answer, but sometimes it is just too much and I don't want to deal with it. I just don't want to communicate. I feel like recently there have been so many social events and I am tired, I need some SPACE. Both in my life and in my head. So maybe today I will ignore people more. But well, maybe I should have warned them in advance, haha. :D But as my psychologist said, it is fine not to answer or read the message right away.

It really bothers me when I am listening to the music and walking and someone writes to me - I get annoyed at the notification. And then I feel like I need to answer etc. Annoying.

But okay, I managed to write down everything about breakfast, let's wait for lunch now. Even though I am still really full.

Lunch

For lunch I made tomato-basil soup and on the side I had rye bread with herbed butter. Of course my first thought was to skip the bread, but then I was like - soup alone is so sad. So I had it as well. I had a piece of seeded rye bread left, I toasted it and it was really good.

Actually by the time I had food, I wasn't even hungry yet, like, at all. But I still thought that it is the right time to eat.

I had an energy drink as well. My friend got me addicted and now a day doesn't pass when I don't have it. This sucks, especially because my Coke and Pepsi addiction is also very real still. But I only had one coffee on this day, so it was fine considering.

I would have liked posting this all to Instagram during the day, but I held myself back, because I didn't want to give clue what challenge I am doing. :D But yeah, when I added up all the calories I ate, it was a lot over what I spent.

Dinner

For dinner I made mayo salad with salmon and ginger. I really love pickled ginger, I could literally have it with any food. Pizza with ginger? Why not. Even to my breakfast porridge I usually add grounded ginger, because I just love it so much.

I remember that once a long time ago my aunt gave me ginger in sugar coating and I thought it was the most disgusting thing ever - oh how times have changed. :D

Anyway dinner was very good and each time I make this salad I feel like a rich person. :D Salmon is not cheap at all. I also had a lot of salad, I usually buy a bag with 120-150 grams of leaves, add a whole container of cherry tomatoes, whole bell pepper and whole cucumber. Then I mix it all with mayo, add some seasonings and top it with salmon and ginger. This is probably one of my favourite meals and it is super fast and easy to make. And I think it is delicious. I love all kinds of salads in general.

As a snack, or, well, dessert, I had a bag of Estrella cheese flavoured crisps. The proper ones. I am always reminded by my childhood when I have them, we ALWAYS ate them with the family while watching a movie or when I played school with my sister. But this time the whole bag was mine and you bet I finished everything. :D I can't open a thing and then not have it all. I thought about making a combination of different crisps, like a plate of three or something, but it was just a thought.

I also had a whole big bottle of Fanta Zero, because I really wanted it and it was on sale. So I had a very yellow snack. :D

At first, when I told my sister about this challenge idea, she recommended me to have savoury drinks as well - savoury mineral water etc. She even looked up savoury cocktails like Bloody Mary, which I, in fact, have never tried. :D I would kind of like to try it, even though I hate tomato juice. But I would like to try everything once. :D

I had a lot of guilty emotions, because I didn't have an appetite, I was just so full. And then on the next day when I stepped on the scale, I had gained a whole kilo. Only now when I am writing this I am thinking that it was probably because of salt - it makes you retain water.

In general this was quite a fard challenge for me, because I really wanted watermelon or grapes, but if I do a challenge, I won't back off. So I finished the challenge without cheating.

Now today is Wednesday and my best friend is coming over. I am really stressed over food. I have been eating well - two meals and some snacks, but I KNOW tonight is going to be bad. At first I had a plan of making falafels in the air fryer, and fries, but I wanted another challenge and we decided to have a pizza from a place called VIBEZ that is super close to my flat. And we will have a few drinks too.

I don't know yet what I am going to take, there are so many things I want. But at the same time I am not even hungry, so I don't want anything at all. I had lunch a bit too late, but I wanted to walk around a little to calm myself down from the higher weight I saw this morning.

Also yesterday I got my first vaccination, Pfizer. I booked the first time I could and I had to go to the other side of Tallinn for it. But it was nice. :D Doctors and nurses and everyone were super sweet and adorable.

So, here are our pizzas. I got herbivore pizza and my best friend had ch-ch-cheese pizza. Both were really good, and we were lucky, as we liked out own ones the best.

It is weird to be on a vacation and blog, I keep forgetting I need to post. But now it is done. :D

Tomorrow my parents and grandma are coming to Tallinn to have a housewarming party with us. I am going to make food and all this. I am a bit stressed over it. Lately I have very hard time mentally. And today is the first day when I don't have any plans. But it is so freeing. I don't have to do anything or meet anyone or go anywhere. I would like to have more days like this during my vacation, but oh well, tomorrow is already "ruined". I am gain at the spot that my psychologist calls worrying ahead, but what can I do. I really about 80% of the time worry about the future. And then 15% I think about the past and then there is only 5% left for the present...

I am a sweets kind of person. I prefer sweet snacks to savoury ones and my favourite breakfasts are always sweet. So I thought I would try to have only sweet things for a whole day. :D

Breakfast

This was my usual porridge with strawberries and banana and gingerbread seasoning. I really like porridge when it is a little spicy. :D On the past days I ran out of this seasoning and just needed to add some ground up ginger, because I really wanted that kick.

Anyways my porridge was really nice. At one point my porridges started going really watery and I never thought about adding less milk, now I finally did that and it is much better. :D

I haven't been making porridge a lot recently, I mostly do it on the weekends and during the week I make my yoghurt bowl. But now I am obsessed again and for the past three days my day has started with it. Mmm. I will also make it tomorrow. And the day after that. And so on. :D

I don't know how many bags of Marianne candies I have had, I should put them on the porridge... nice hot porridge with peppermint chocolate sounds really good. But yeah, my breakfast was not out of the ordinary at all and it was sweet so it fits the theme.

Also it was funny when I saw my new psychologist for the first time. She asked what I usually have for breakfast and I was like, well, porridge, and then she asked how I make it, do I fry the onion and I was like????? Excusme me, what? :D then she was shocked and asked if I didn't mean buckwheat porridge... 

I am not a fan of buckwheat, I have never liked it. And SAVOURY porridge for BREAKFAST?! This is unacceptable! Breakfast has to be sweet and amazing and thick oatmeal, grain meal, rice porridge or millet porridge or semolina porridge, definitely not BUCKWHEAT. Yes, I am very passionate about it. :D

Lunch

I am not sure what I have for lunch yet. I am going to a store and see what they have. At the moment I am thinking about pastries, pancakes with sweet filling, cottage cheese with jam or just a yoghurt with something. I shall see what the small store near my workplace carries and decide when I am there. Yesterday I did think about getting something in advance and tahking it to work with me, but I decided against it in the end.

I picked salted caramel creme pancakes and strawberries. It was suuuch a good lunch. At first I thought od taking pancakes with strawberry or raspberry jam, but just because they had less calories than salted caramel ones. Then I was like, for Godness' sake, I have been wanting to try those for a long time - why don't I just pick this? It would still stay on my mind and bother me. And strawberries were on sale, so I took one carton. Also had a small bottle of Fanta Zero, it is just so good and usually I need something extra sweet towards the end of the day. Anyway yes, this was a really nice lunch.

Guilt... I have some. Because usually my lunches are really small, I mean REALLY SMALL. I cover it with snacking in the evenings, but this time not. It doesn't mean that I won't snack, nope, I am still planning to do that. :D

But I don't have as much guilt as I thought I would. Food was just so good that I couldn't really feel bad, which is a good thing. :D I am not worried or anxious at all, I feel really stable and my energy levels are okay, which is good. Usually I get SUPERfull, then I get SUPERhungry, now I feel normal constantly. Again I am thinking "is this how normal people feel?". Like, a lot of the times at work or at home office I feel like snacking, but at the moment I don't have this. Well, I am in a habit of snacking, but I am not hungry really.

Today it is such a nice weather I am thinking about walking a longer round. I don't know if I am motivated enough to go for a run, I guess I will see when I get home and decide then. I don't think I have enough strength at the moment. Until now I have been running every other day and it seems to work well. Anyway, I will see how I feel. I feel like I want to go, but... lazynesssssss, 

Dinner

I didn't go for a run, as my walk took longer than usually. I did a really long walk, went to the store, picked up a parcel from the post box and when I finally made it home, it was already 6:30 pm. I also listened to an audiobook and time passed really fast.

Then I took a shower and it was time for dinner. For dinner I had 500 grams of curd cream with mango, pineapples, raspberries, blueberries and blackberries. I also added some breakfast cereal with coconut shreds and raisins.

It was really good. Even though I make a lot of yoghurt bowls for breakfasts, it was exactly what I craved for. :D

Then I also had a huge bowl of grapes, because I wanted more of something fresh.

I got some guilty feelings, because I looked at my watch and how many calories I burned and it was 200-300 calories less than I ate. But I tried to be over it. Because as my friend said and what I constantly remind myself of: who do I want to be thin for?

I think it is a good idea. :D Besides I know I still need to gain some weight, so these extra calories did me good. I need to eat like this every day!

The next morning I made some porridge again and surprisingly I didn't feel like not having sweet stuff. Instead I thought that I could do some more of those pancakes... :D We shall see what I will have for lunch today, do I keep eating sweets ot not. Probably not.

In the evening my dad and sister are coming to have dinner, I am making vegan cabbage stew. I have no idea how it will come out, but I hope that they will like it. It is my dad's favourite food and when he called yesterday, I told him I was going to make it and he got really excited. Of course he thinks I will make it with regular minced meat, but I am not going to say anything and see what he says, hehehe. :D

This was the result and I can let you know that he and my sister loved it. They ate and complimented me and took some more, I was so glad. It is the best compliment to me, if someone praises the food I make. :D I thought that maybe I can have it on the next day as well, as I made quite a bit, but we ate it all. My dad keeps saying that he eats too much meat, but he doesn't do anything about it. He says that he should have it maybe once a week, but still has it almost every day. But yeah, he liked the stew and said that he couldn't tell the difference and he was surprised I cooked non-vegan food.

But on the next day when I got home from work, I found a package with sausages and cheese in the fridge (he came to set up some more furnitrue, but so much about having less meat then...).

It was really easy to make this stew, I just boiled the potatoes, then put onion, broken up soya cutlets and some seasoning into the pot. Then I added cabbage, water and bullion cube and let it simmer until the cabbage was soft. I served it with vegan yoghurt instead of sour cream and it was done. I can't really say how much of everything I used, but this gives you a rough idea. :D anyway, I got thinking about why don't I usually make these kind of simple home meals? There is something in this simplicity.

I probably woldn't be able to do a challenge where I eat only savoury things for a day. Sweet stuff is so good and I naturally gravitate towards it. :D This is why there are several bags of potato chipst just sitting on my counter - I always have something sweet as a snack. So yeah, I don't think eating sweets only for a week would be difficult for me, haha. :D Anyway, this was one of my favourite challenges definitely. And it was so easy as well, I really didn't need to think a lot. Besides all the foods were prepared quickly and they were simple. I will definitely have the same stuff in the future too.

What kind of people are you, would you rather have sweets or salty stuff? There are a lot of people who strongly prefer one or the other. I am definitely more of a sweets person. Some people are normal as well and like balance in their foods. I think I NEED to have something sweet every day, or I will overeat and binge and so on.

Also I have never felt guilty because of eating sweets. It is normal food, just like savoury things. Just when I was sick, I followed more closely how MUCH I ate, not what I ate. As I have mentioned before, I have always had the habit of having something sweet after a meal. I need at least one candy or something to finish a meal. This kind of concludes a meal. :D What is why I have a lot of cookies and candies and chocolate in my drawer at work. Yesterday I didn't have any though, because pancakes were sweet enough.

If I am completely honest, then I haven't been completely honest. On some days I have skipped my lunch in order to eat more in the evening. And I have eaten more. And... I have still gained weight. :D I just had this silly habit of having very little during the lunch, now I am trying to get back on track. Have done it for 3 days now and I feel so much better. I don't feel like binging in the evenings so yeah, all these OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittend fasting things are bullshit and bring on binge. I learned it the fard way.

I actually wanted to write a post just about that, but then I got... embarrased? For doing something like this. Because I know it is not the best thing to do for me. I ALWAYS discover having three of four meals a day works the best, I have enough energy and so on. Anyway yes, I wrote down in this months' goals to eat properly and I am finally making progress. I just wanted to write this down here as a reminder to not do these kind of experiments in the future. It is not working. Normal eating is a key to normal life.

Lately I have had more moments of social eating as well and I have gotten sort of over the thing where I always wanted to eat alone and watch a series or videos or something. I eat and talk to people without a problem. I think I would still like to be alone after work and have dinner at peace, but if it doesn't happen, it is fine as well.

Anyway yes, I need to think about what to take on as a next challenge. I got this idea really randomly and it was a good one, because I had a lot of fun. :D I will think of something interesting for the future though, I am sure of it.

Yep. This is the challenge. And I was not excited for it at all, because I don't like water. I usually have my liquids as coffee or tea, lately with sirup and carbonated water. But just drinking plain water is not for me. I don't know how I will handle this. I am starthing this challenge tomorrow and we can see how I feel about it.

But before you get all panicky, I would like to announce that of course I ate as well. It wasn't a fasting day, obviously. I just changed all the drinksi into water. :D Haa, clever, aren't I? :D

Anyway usually in the mornings I have three cups of coffee and then a fourth one a bit later. On the days I am at home, I make two caffeine free ones and two real ones, but there is no caffeine free coffee at work so four normal ones it is. :D

At home I rarely drink tea thesedays, but I have quite a bit of it at work. My current favourite is Lipron with citrus. Something good in this combination. But now I picked up my tea book I got for Christmas and I am trying different ones again. I am keeping all the packages and sticking them into my tea notebook. :)

And in addition to this, I usually have A LOT of Pepsi Max or Coca Cola Zero. Lately I have tried to switch it up and have sirup with carbonated water, hoping this is a bit healtheir (though probably not...). But it is so good - orange squash with carbonated water tastes like Fanta!

Anyways yes, I am not a drinker of water AT ALL. I would rather have nothing than this. Weird thing, I know. So this is why I thought I would try this challenge. Do see how I manage. Even when I have my vitamins at the morning, I make some flavoured water or something. :D

How to substitute for coffee and tea is simple. I can just have hot water. This habit I got into when I was at the hospital in Tallinn already - I got sick of having so much tea, but I wanted to drink something warm and then hot water worked just fine. It is actually genius.

Morning

My breakfast with hot water was okay. I made my usual yoghurt bowl and I didn't really miss coffee. But then I got on the bus. And for real, I couldn't keep my eyes open at all. I don't know if I had slept badly or it was really because I didn't have coffee. Maybe both things.

Then I got to work and usually I have two cups of coffee straight away to start my morning. So now I am drinking another mug of hot water and fight with myself. I have two thoughts:

a) I will make coffee, but don't blog about it and pretend I completed my challenge

b) I will make coffee and admit that I failed the challenge.

The option of not having coffee is not there, because firstly I miss the taste and it is true that it wakes you up. Also I left some coke in the fridge yesterday evening so I am sure that being at home with it is going to be super difficult.

Lunch

It is only actually past 10 am, but I will consider this as lunch. I am drinking another cup of hot water, because it is a bit chilly here. I am sleepy, I honestly feel hangover. I don't have a headache which I was the most worried about, so that is good.

When someone makes coffee at work, it is super triggering, haha. :D I would like to just SMELL some coffee right now, but I won't be making a cup just for this. At least I ran out of plant based milk yesterday, so this is a good excuse not to have any. I find normal milk gross at the moment.

I like coffee as it is kind of... thick? Also I feel hungry ALREADY, but when I have coffee, it doesn't come that fast. Water just doesn't seem to be enough. At least it is fine when I have it hot. :D I don't know, I can't explain it. I am just NEVER thirsty. Like, for real. I think I am feeling like drinking something maybe once in every couple of months or so. And this only when I haven't had a drop of liquid all day. I don't drink coke because I am thirsty, I usually just want something sweet. :D

I tried to imagine having a day of fasting but nope, too mad. :D I just want to go home at the moment and fall back to sleep. xD

Now lunch is about commence and I just poured myself a fourth cup of hot water. I still don't feel like drinking it cold, I would rather just sip on it slowly. I will imagine it is cheap and shitty tea with no flacour. :D We all know the kinds.

Honestly I don't feel any side effects, except for the fact I am feeling a bit drowsy (both mentally and physically) and I got hungry earlier. Currently it is fine. I rather miss the taste of coffee and the process of making it and drinking it. So rest assured, I will never make such a stupid challenge again! :D Drinking water is good, but I would prefer it when I could have a choice.

Actually I have been playing with the thought of making coffee and eating a cookie. And then I could write that yeah, I tried to do this challenge, but I didn't complete it. But another part of me is like "you have already come so far, half of the day is gone, just a little bit more" and then I don't want to give up. :D Why do I have to be such a perfectionist? I could have taken it easy and for example quit caffeine for a day or something. But noooo, I picked the harder version and am drinking only water. :D

My best friend also said that this is crazy and she would never do something like this. :D I told her I will moan about it to her, but I haven't done it so far. She was the one who taught me to drink coffee when we both worked at the restaurant. I used to have it quite rarely, only when I went out for a cake or something, but not every day. :D And then at the restaurant we had proper coffee machine and more time on some days - of course I had like 5-6 lattes or cappuccinos on those days. :D

At least she hasn't written to me today to say that she would like some coffee or that she made some coffee, because it would be like putting salt on the wound!

I don't know what to expect from tonight's Expensive calories episode. I think it will be pretty stupid, but oh well. :D At least I have watched all the episodes so far and kept up to date. Also, my Facebook is constantly telling me to add the show host as a friend :'D Why. I know I write about him and the algorithm probably thinks we want to become buddies. :D

Aa, what else. There is this one bookstore that shares recommendations and I found this: "Good Reasons for Bad Feelings". This sounds really interesting.

Even though I am STILL reading the second book of "The Painted Man". I am halfway through soon and I have tried reading a little every day. Not as much as I would like, but still a little.

Working out at home is going well though! Yesterday it came up to a week when I have done my workout every day. :D My muscles aren't sore anymore, except for when I do the exercises. So I have started adding a few reps each day. But I have this stupid habit that if I make more on one day, I have to do even more on the next and so on. So soon I will be working out like two hours in a row or something. :D

Evening

It is actually just past lunch, but I will mark it down as evening. I am really interested how I am feeling tomorrow and how the first coffee after 24 hours is going to taste like. :D I feel like I will overdo it and easily have 6-8 cups, haha. :D

Anyway I think I am startind to develop a headache now. Got a slight feeling. I think it is definitely because I haven't had caffeine. I still am really craving for it and I have already walked into kitchen once to make a cup. But on the last moment I changed my mind and picked hot water instead.

Just went and got some carbonated water, because I suddenly did feel a bit thirsty? Which is really strange. Actually I even have a really nice water bottle at work, I don't know why I am not using it more. :D

Anyway when I got home and took a shower and the time hit six, I was ready to go to sleep. Honestly. I felt so tired. I also didn't do my workout. Or well, I started, but stopped halfway through, because I felt soooo tired.

I don't know if it is honestly because I didn't have any coffee or caffeine, but yeah, it was like this. I still stayed awake long enough to watch the last episode of Expensive calories.

Which was boring this time. The host bothered me a lot, especially when he said he was really disappointed in them after last night's party. And then they weighed themselves and one of them had lost 4,5 kgs in a week, very healthy, right.

NOT.

And then they showed us what had happened to them in four months. I am glad they were all doing fine and felt good. Nothing bad to say about it.

But at the same time I don't understand how one of them has the time to "walk tens of km in a day". Like, I understand that I walk around a lot, but not that much. Even I don't have that much time.

I am glad that this one girl got over her depression, but at the same time... to put = between getting rid of depression and losing weight, is a bit of an overkill. I was on the EXACT same point in my life and I thought this would solve my problems. But here I am instead. Blogging about my eating disorder recovery journey.

Actually I started to wonder if I still have an eating disorder. Maybe I should finally leave it behind me and think of myself as someone who USED to have an ED? Because well, my weight is almost at the normal range and I don't restrict myself anymore, I haven't binged in a while and I don't really feel guilty much thesedays. I can handle things pretty well, my thoughts are working and I am not constantly dreaming about food. I guess it is too early to say I am healed, but I feel like I am over it. I am tired of always speaking about my ED (except for when I am discussing it with someone who has been on the same path). I don't get these moments that flip me off completely. Like yes, I watched those old pictures when I had them printed out and I got the feeling of wanting to be back there, but then I decided against it, had proper meals and all that. I don't let things affect me as much anymore.

Recently I have changed my eating up a bit again. I used to not snack during the day and then binge at night, but now I have devided the snacks throughout again. It felt wrong.

Of course there are tough times. When I step on the scale in the morning, I still want to see the number to go down. But like... at the hospital they told me that I am probably a chronic sufferer and will never be completely fine. But I think I am breaking out of this cycle.

There are challenges for me. I don't like eating out, it is difficult to have a meal with other people and I often don't pick what I like and opt for lower calorie things. So okay, I am not well yer, but I feel that I will never go back to where I was. And it feels good. It is nice to know that people don't worry about me anymore and they don't look at me weird in a bus, thinking what is wrong with me. My mum's neighbour doesn't think I have cancer any longer. I have energy to do things and I feel like there is so much space in my head.

And the way to get hear has been FUCKING difficult. I was sure that I would never make it. I didn't even want to. I remember my anger at the hospital, and the feeling of not wanting to let go of anorexia. I remember missing my hunger pangs. Oh yes, it is still in my mind quite often, but I just don't let it overtake me again.

The change is that now I KNOW what I need to do. And... it is difficult to help others. I have been on this read myself, but my words won't ever be enough. I can tell you to do this or that, see what happens etc, but it is not useful if a person doesn't want to get better. One needs to find their own motivation, goal and path. No one can do it for them. I can give ideas for challenges and tell you what has helped me, I can tell you about theory and practice, but I can't change your thoughts, I don't have a solution or medication to make you get better. It IS constantly hard, you do cry your eyes out, you feel like there is no purpose in your life, you know what you SHOULD do, but it is so DAMN difficult. Believe me, I know. But... I hope that you will one day get there. Start with your "why".

And like... say it when you have a hard time. Talk to me. Write to me on Facebook or Instagram or somewhere else. Maybe I always don't know what to say, but you at least know I understand. Oh yes, I understand EXACTLY. And talking is really helpful. I mean, I still sometimes tell my sister that "today is difficult to eat day" and it is kind of freeing to let it out. Find someone you trust and who you can talk to. Find someone who understands. I am sure you all have someone like this in your life. And if there isn't, I am open for chats.

What I want to say in this post is that I cannot help you. But I can listen to you and be a quiet support. And if you think this is enough, let it out. :)

Conclusion

I will never do such a stupid challenge again. Honestly, I am silly thinking about this one. :D And if there is one addiction I have, coffee one is fine. It is too good to give it up. :D And I think that if there is a case I can't have coffee for a day, I will handle it, just like I did this time.

At home I didn't have any water, because I didn't want to. I knew that if I poured myself a glass, the next moment I would take my bottle of coke and finish it, haha. :D This is the kind of person I am. All or nothing.

But my plan for today (now it is the next day) is to get a biiig bottle of Pepsi Max or Pepsi Max lime. One day not having it will make today's one even better. :D

The next morning

Having coffee this morning it wasn't anything special at all. It was normal. It did do. Now I just made a second cup at work and I am enjoying it. I will write some things down here and then continue with my work. Though I don't really feel like it, because I have so many awful cases. :S I would instead like to be at home, curl up on a sofa, read a book and pet Motu. But oh well, I can do it on the weekend.

I also thought about watching a movie yesterday, but I was too sleepy. :D Aa, I take meds before bed that also make me sleepy, but usually I still manage to stay up for at least half an hour. Yesterday I had them, got into bed and literally five minutes later woke up, startled, thanking some higher power because I forgot to set an alarm. Lucky!

Also I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms. Didn't get much of a headache in the end, the weird feeling only lasted for about 20 minutes. I didn't even have to take meds. And also I don't really get side effects from drinking coffee, like I don't get anxious or shaky, my heart doesn't start to beat fast etc. Maybe I used to when I was really underweight.

I wanted to complete a week long challenge by Monday but I kind of didn't start at the right time. Oh well, I will figure something else out. Maybe another 24 hour one? But definitely something easier than this time... I think this is the most difficult challenge I have ever done. xD

I thought a lot about different challenges, because I really liked the bread one. And then I was like... what else could I do. And stopped on myself. My name. S like Signe. And this became a new idea - eating only foods that start with a letter S for 24 hours. :D

At first it felt like there wasn't enough things, but I soon came up with several. Salad, soup... and later stuff like sarvesai (croissant), smoothie, spaghetti etc. Then I made up a menu fast and planned it so I could also do it at work. :D

Breakfast

For a loooong time I have been meaning to get Sarvesai (croissant). I think everyone calls them croissants, even in Estonia. But the original name starts with an S. :D

Actually I wanted to get two, one regular and the other with blueberry filling, but my home store only had one leht. Oh well, I still got something.

I remember that last time I was at my parents' place, they had just gotten addicted to croissants and kept buying them every day. :D I should suggest them buying the frozen ones, it would be more reasonable. I thought about getting a bag of frozen ones myself, but I am a creature of habit and enjoy the things I have been having. But well, I could make an exception for one day.

I filled my croissant with cheese, as I thought it was missing something. It was good. I had coffee on the side. At first I thought that maybe I should have only the drinks that start with an S too, but I could only think about Sprite and I knew I wouldn't be able to go a day without coffee. So I had to only limit this challenge to food. :D Sorry. I could have said that I only had Sprite all day, but nah. :D Also this is called FOODS with a letter S challenge. Drinks is not food. :D Hahaha, I could have said I am only having söök (food). This starts with an S, hahaha. :D Anyway yes, this was my morning.

Lunch

For this, I had bought Soup. With curry and shiitake mushrooms, as I didn't have time to prepare it at home. Also these premade pureed soups are quite good and easy to take to work with you.

It was... fine. Well, something you make yourself is definitely better, but it was okay. Also had some cherry tomatoes on a side that I said was a salad. :D Basically it is fine.

Anyway, the lunch was really boring, but what else do you expect. At least I had big plans for dinner and I had already gotten stuff for dessert as well. I also wanted to get a sõõrik (donut), but I thought I can't possible have it all and I was right.

Dinner

I picked the scariest thing and made Spaghetti with pesto. Also added onion, garlic, some mushrooms and a little bit of zucchini. I also prepared a lot of salad.

Honestly, I think this is the best pasta I have had in my life. :D I also had some leftover parmesan cheese and I topped it off with that.

Actually I am not a great fan of spaghetti, as they are so messy to eat. But I broke them in falf before boiling them and it worked out just fine. The food was amazing and I think that my pesto fear is over now, it was just so good. I am planning on having pesto pasta every other day from now on. It was just sooo good.

Eating pasta has become a lot easier, even though when I don't make it for a while, I get scared again. But it is not something I can't overcome.

Dessert

For dessert I had a Smoothie bowl. I got some yoghurt smoothie with strawberries, banana and chia seeds. Topped it off with chocolate peanut granola, two kiwis and an apple. I thought I couldn't have the whole thing, because I was so full, but I still did. :D It was good, to be honest. But yes, I was super full at the end.

I could have made a smoothie myself easily, but I took the easier way out and got a premade one. The apple didn't go with the rest of the things, but it was still fine. I just would have preferred something softer. Or maybe frozen berries or something. I still craved for fresh stuff, despite the huge salad. All in all it was a tasty dessert.

Conclusion

It is very nice to do these kind of challenges. I really enjoy the process - from the idea to action. I really like when I have made a plan and don't have to feel anxious anymore, it really helps.

My weight had gone up half a kilo that kind of upset me... I don't know. I am trying to think that I need to reach my normal weight for my birthday, so it is good... but still, this voice in my head is so strong on some days.

On the next morning I still had proper breakfast. It was porridge, after a while. Made it with strawberries, chocolate and gingerbread seasoning. :D Good old porridge. Coffee on the side and breakfast was delish.

Now it is the next day from the challenge and I am a bit stressed. Mum is coming to Tallinn today and we are going to my sister's place, and I have a friend coming along. We are planning on getting some snacks and possibly having some wine as well.

I am just so used to being at home all the time and eating my own food and snacks. Eating with others, snacking with others etc is really difficult. At first it really threw me off, but I feel a bit better now. It is a good way to challenge myself. I need to get used to these kind of situations. There are moments like this in life (even though limited at the moment due to corona) and I can't avoid food all the time. Also, having these occasions rarely is really fine. Trying to calm my thoughts at the moment.

Yes, I admit that I planned on skipping lunch today. But now the time has come, and I really want food, so I am having it. Because if I don't, everything I have done to fight my ED would be pointless. And then I feel like if I a skip a meal one day, I need to do it again on the next day and so on.

It is just really hard to let go of the safe number. Depressing. But I need to do it, I understand this. Õõõh. Last night I really felt motivated and I made myself several promises, but it is easier said than done. Especially because I was thinking how I was TEN kilos lighter a year ago. So I have gained a lot of weight. And this comparison really sucks. I see and feel better and my look is nicer, when I compare myself to Japan pictures. But there is stil la part of me that would like to be the same. When are these thoughts going away? A lot of people have told me that they eventually will and you will accept new you, but when? When will I manage to do this? So many questions, so little answers.

My clothes now fit me, this is positive. And yesterday it was super slippery outside and walking home from work, I fell down really ungracefully. And my first thought wasn't ow or oh no. Nope. My first thought was thet yay, I have a butt to fall on. xD So if there are no positives, this is definitely one, haha. :D I feel much safer.

Actually I snacked way too much at my sister's, and when I got home, I had a lot of chocolate. Yes. I just binged, really. I felt so hungry suddenly. And I couldn't stop myself. But on the next day I tried to think that whatever was, was, I can't do anything about it now. I still feel weird, but yeah. I don't even want to talk about it more, because I am embarassed. I don't know, I would like to hide it. A real binge. But we shall move on.

I can't believe it is Friday (I am translating this post a little late, sorry guys). Time goes so fast, even though at the beginning of the week it seems to be standing still. :D My sister is having a small housewarming party today and I have made my peace with it. I had some porridge in the morning again, because mmm, porridge! It came out really well today. For the past few times it has been kind of pointless, but today I had the perfect bowl. :D I don't know what it depends on, but I feel like having porridge again and it is a good feeling. I thought I had lost my porridge-gene. Even though I still have a soy yoghurt in the fridge that I need to use up.

At the moment I am doing another five day challenge, but I don't even know if I post about it, because it is kind of... weird. And I don't know how healthy. (It is not about eating, by the way!) But maybe I will, because I feel like I HAVE to do it. Two more days left - today and tomorrow. We shall see.

Anyway hmm... despite everything, the binge and whatever, last days have been fun. Got to spend time with people and it was so nice. We talked and reminded ourselves with old times and it was fun. :D Meeting people is so rare thesedays, so it was extra nice.

On Wednesday there wasn't this Expensive calories show, because it was Estonia's independence day. :d Good, I guess. I even watched some of the TV randomly, even though I was really tired from last night and got to bed before ten. And the next day I felt like I could sleep for another five hours or so. :D

Now for a few days I have worked from home, and it makes the whole eating thing more difficult. There is just so much food around me. xD But at the same time the day after the binge it was SO WEIRD, because I didn't think about food and I didn't want to eat. It was such a nice change. And I still had three meals and snacks and all that. I can't restrict again, or it will become this endless circle.

I don't know why I am writing this all down here. Maybe it is good. I get to analyze the thing in my head more like this and in general I feel a bit more at ease after all of this is out. Also this shows that everything isn't always amazing. So I will leave it into today's post.