I thought a lot about different challenges, because I really liked the bread one. And then I was like... what else could I do. And stopped on myself. My name. S like Signe. And this became a new idea - eating only foods that start with a letter S for 24 hours. :D

At first it felt like there wasn't enough things, but I soon came up with several. Salad, soup... and later stuff like sarvesai (croissant), smoothie, spaghetti etc. Then I made up a menu fast and planned it so I could also do it at work. :D

Breakfast

For a loooong time I have been meaning to get Sarvesai (croissant). I think everyone calls them croissants, even in Estonia. But the original name starts with an S. :D

Actually I wanted to get two, one regular and the other with blueberry filling, but my home store only had one leht. Oh well, I still got something.

I remember that last time I was at my parents' place, they had just gotten addicted to croissants and kept buying them every day. :D I should suggest them buying the frozen ones, it would be more reasonable. I thought about getting a bag of frozen ones myself, but I am a creature of habit and enjoy the things I have been having. But well, I could make an exception for one day.

I filled my croissant with cheese, as I thought it was missing something. It was good. I had coffee on the side. At first I thought that maybe I should have only the drinks that start with an S too, but I could only think about Sprite and I knew I wouldn't be able to go a day without coffee. So I had to only limit this challenge to food. :D Sorry. I could have said that I only had Sprite all day, but nah. :D Also this is called FOODS with a letter S challenge. Drinks is not food. :D Hahaha, I could have said I am only having söök (food). This starts with an S, hahaha. :D Anyway yes, this was my morning.

Lunch

For this, I had bought Soup. With curry and shiitake mushrooms, as I didn't have time to prepare it at home. Also these premade pureed soups are quite good and easy to take to work with you.

It was... fine. Well, something you make yourself is definitely better, but it was okay. Also had some cherry tomatoes on a side that I said was a salad. :D Basically it is fine.

Anyway, the lunch was really boring, but what else do you expect. At least I had big plans for dinner and I had already gotten stuff for dessert as well. I also wanted to get a sõõrik (donut), but I thought I can't possible have it all and I was right.

Dinner

I picked the scariest thing and made Spaghetti with pesto. Also added onion, garlic, some mushrooms and a little bit of zucchini. I also prepared a lot of salad.

Honestly, I think this is the best pasta I have had in my life. :D I also had some leftover parmesan cheese and I topped it off with that.

Actually I am not a great fan of spaghetti, as they are so messy to eat. But I broke them in falf before boiling them and it worked out just fine. The food was amazing and I think that my pesto fear is over now, it was just so good. I am planning on having pesto pasta every other day from now on. It was just sooo good.

Eating pasta has become a lot easier, even though when I don't make it for a while, I get scared again. But it is not something I can't overcome.

Dessert

For dessert I had a Smoothie bowl. I got some yoghurt smoothie with strawberries, banana and chia seeds. Topped it off with chocolate peanut granola, two kiwis and an apple. I thought I couldn't have the whole thing, because I was so full, but I still did. :D It was good, to be honest. But yes, I was super full at the end.

I could have made a smoothie myself easily, but I took the easier way out and got a premade one. The apple didn't go with the rest of the things, but it was still fine. I just would have preferred something softer. Or maybe frozen berries or something. I still craved for fresh stuff, despite the huge salad. All in all it was a tasty dessert.

Conclusion

It is very nice to do these kind of challenges. I really enjoy the process - from the idea to action. I really like when I have made a plan and don't have to feel anxious anymore, it really helps.

My weight had gone up half a kilo that kind of upset me... I don't know. I am trying to think that I need to reach my normal weight for my birthday, so it is good... but still, this voice in my head is so strong on some days.

On the next morning I still had proper breakfast. It was porridge, after a while. Made it with strawberries, chocolate and gingerbread seasoning. :D Good old porridge. Coffee on the side and breakfast was delish.

Now it is the next day from the challenge and I am a bit stressed. Mum is coming to Tallinn today and we are going to my sister's place, and I have a friend coming along. We are planning on getting some snacks and possibly having some wine as well.

I am just so used to being at home all the time and eating my own food and snacks. Eating with others, snacking with others etc is really difficult. At first it really threw me off, but I feel a bit better now. It is a good way to challenge myself. I need to get used to these kind of situations. There are moments like this in life (even though limited at the moment due to corona) and I can't avoid food all the time. Also, having these occasions rarely is really fine. Trying to calm my thoughts at the moment.

Yes, I admit that I planned on skipping lunch today. But now the time has come, and I really want food, so I am having it. Because if I don't, everything I have done to fight my ED would be pointless. And then I feel like if I a skip a meal one day, I need to do it again on the next day and so on.

It is just really hard to let go of the safe number. Depressing. But I need to do it, I understand this. Õõõh. Last night I really felt motivated and I made myself several promises, but it is easier said than done. Especially because I was thinking how I was TEN kilos lighter a year ago. So I have gained a lot of weight. And this comparison really sucks. I see and feel better and my look is nicer, when I compare myself to Japan pictures. But there is stil la part of me that would like to be the same. When are these thoughts going away? A lot of people have told me that they eventually will and you will accept new you, but when? When will I manage to do this? So many questions, so little answers.

My clothes now fit me, this is positive. And yesterday it was super slippery outside and walking home from work, I fell down really ungracefully. And my first thought wasn't ow or oh no. Nope. My first thought was thet yay, I have a butt to fall on. xD So if there are no positives, this is definitely one, haha. :D I feel much safer.

Actually I snacked way too much at my sister's, and when I got home, I had a lot of chocolate. Yes. I just binged, really. I felt so hungry suddenly. And I couldn't stop myself. But on the next day I tried to think that whatever was, was, I can't do anything about it now. I still feel weird, but yeah. I don't even want to talk about it more, because I am embarassed. I don't know, I would like to hide it. A real binge. But we shall move on.

I can't believe it is Friday (I am translating this post a little late, sorry guys). Time goes so fast, even though at the beginning of the week it seems to be standing still. :D My sister is having a small housewarming party today and I have made my peace with it. I had some porridge in the morning again, because mmm, porridge! It came out really well today. For the past few times it has been kind of pointless, but today I had the perfect bowl. :D I don't know what it depends on, but I feel like having porridge again and it is a good feeling. I thought I had lost my porridge-gene. Even though I still have a soy yoghurt in the fridge that I need to use up.

At the moment I am doing another five day challenge, but I don't even know if I post about it, because it is kind of... weird. And I don't know how healthy. (It is not about eating, by the way!) But maybe I will, because I feel like I HAVE to do it. Two more days left - today and tomorrow. We shall see.

Anyway hmm... despite everything, the binge and whatever, last days have been fun. Got to spend time with people and it was so nice. We talked and reminded ourselves with old times and it was fun. :D Meeting people is so rare thesedays, so it was extra nice.

On Wednesday there wasn't this Expensive calories show, because it was Estonia's independence day. :d Good, I guess. I even watched some of the TV randomly, even though I was really tired from last night and got to bed before ten. And the next day I felt like I could sleep for another five hours or so. :D

Now for a few days I have worked from home, and it makes the whole eating thing more difficult. There is just so much food around me. xD But at the same time the day after the binge it was SO WEIRD, because I didn't think about food and I didn't want to eat. It was such a nice change. And I still had three meals and snacks and all that. I can't restrict again, or it will become this endless circle.

I don't know why I am writing this all down here. Maybe it is good. I get to analyze the thing in my head more like this and in general I feel a bit more at ease after all of this is out. Also this shows that everything isn't always amazing. So I will leave it into today's post.