I Won't Quote

My best friend sent me a message while I was in Tartu, saying that she would like us to start sending regular letters again. You know, the ones with snail mail. It doesn't matter that 90% of the day we are talking on Facebook Messenger and that we live in the same town - it would still be very cool to get a letter. And then we can read it in 20 years or something. :D

And now on Friday at work I thought that I could make it into a challenge. Send letters for five days. I have some penpals, or like, just friends who I usually communicate like this, send postcards etc, but I haven't really done it recently. So this is a good opportunity to do this. So five days and five letters starts now!

Thursday

I wrote a letter to my best friend. It was really long, two A4 pages and very small letters. :D Actually I wrote it for several days, because I didn't have enough time at once, but I posted it on Thursday finally. I would really like to know when it arrives.

It was really weird to write like this, my hand cramped a lot, because I am not used to it. But in the end I thought that I could have even written more. And we used to send really long letters to each other, all about what we are doing and what has happened. My letter today wasn't on this level, because it was a first one I have written in a while and it was a bit strange to write. Also I have already told her everything. :D

But anyway, it was really nice to write and I hope she will answer. :D I have a momery box for all the letters, I always keep them. :)

Friday

Today I wrote a letter to my friend in Turkey, who also visited me a few years ago. We used to talk literally every day, but now it hasn't happened much. Still, through Twitter I am up to date with what she is doing, even though I am not using Twitter much thesedays. I am trying, but I never have anything to say. :D Every day I think I will start tweeting again, but it never happens.

The most difficult thing is having a cramp in your hand, I am just not used to writing. But it is nice. At the same time I also feel that I am not very good at writing letters, I haven't done it in a while and I don't know what you are supposed to write about. :D Besides, to the people I am writing to, I often just talk to so they know what is happening with me. :D

Saturday

Today I wrote a letter to my German friend, who has visited me many times and who I have also visited. It was really nice to talk about nothing, in the end it was just super random. :D

I did think that I don't have it in me to write, because it was a day off and I had other things to attend to, but I still took some time for writing and did it. I really love getting letters myself, so I hope people who will receive my letters think the same. I think it has something so nice and personal in reading words others have written on an actual paper.

My Grandma had a pen pal from Hungary for a long time, they wrote for years and also called sometimes. I also used to be a member of Interpals and wrote with several people, it was such a nice time. And then at one point I did postcrossing, which was also really cool. You can pick how many postcards you want to send and then the same amount of people will be given your address. It is really cool that these pages are still popular right now. I think that maybe I should join one again and start sending more mail. I just got really excited over letters suddenly. :D

With one girl from Korea I met via Interpals and we sent letters for a long time. I think we both wrote like 10+ letters, but then it suddenly stopped. She didn't answer to me anymore or something. I hope she is doing well, even though I don't even remember her name anymore. :D But I have her letters somewhere at my parents' place, I can look for them and remember.

At the same time I can't deny that sending so many letters is going to be quite expensive. Within Estonia, a letter costs 1.10 €, but it is much more expensive to send a letter abroad. And even more if you want to send an actual parcel or something like that. Though sending gifts is even more exciting!

Sunday

Today I am writing to a friend from Italy. We sometimes send each other postcards and tea and snacks, so this time I also considered sending a whole parcel. She is really nice and sweet and we dream about me visiting her and her showming me pretty places. It would be amazing.

In general I have a feeling that I have so many friends in a lot of different places, I could do a trip and just spend some time with each of them, haha. :D I should look for people in the countries I don't have any connection with yet, it would be so cool!

At the same time I am thinking that I have so many more people who I would like to write to! For example one girl from USA, then some people from Finland, also I could write to my other best friend in Japan... my poor hand that has to work for this. xD

Writing so many letters like this at once is also a bit difficult, I tend to say the same things over and over again and I don't see a point. But at the same time they are all different people, which means this is all new information for them, even if I tell someone else the same stuff. :D

I won't be telling anyone that I have sent them a letter, I will wait and see if they mention it and if they arrive at all. :D Okay, I did tell my best friend though, because I am afraid she won't check her post box otherways, I check mine every day. Especially because I am waiting for some Aliexpress orders, haha. :D

But yeah, getting a letter as a surprise is so cool in my opinion. For example this Italiak girl randomly sent me a birthday gift and it was so sweet! At first I thought it was something I ordered, but then I saw the name on the parcel and I was like, omg, someone is thinking of me and writing to me?

Also this is super random but would you like to receive a letter? :D I could write something to you. I also thought about startin Patreon and see if someone would like to support me there and then as an exchange I could send you postcards and talk to you in person or something. But then I was like... who do I think I am and scrapped the idea. :D

I really like this challenge. This is one of the coolest things I have done I think. I would like to keep up with it, but maybe not in that big of a scale, haha. :D But if anyone would answer to me, I will definitely send them a letter back!

It is so cool that with people I got to know a looong time ago I still have this connection. It is somehow really adorable!

Another question - do you have penpals or would you like to have one? I remember that there used to be an Estonian children magazine where you could post an ad to look for a penpal. No one wrote to me though, even though I did send some letters. Okay, I think I found some e-mail penpals, I remember that. I had a separate e-mail for it, so I could use another name and hide my identity. At the moment I am completely different, I am like... "you wan't my address? here you go". :D But well, now I am an adult and I don't think anyone from USA will become a stalker and visit me. 

But if you are underage, you should really talk about this with your parents first and say that you would like to have a penpal and if it is okay for you to give your address to a stranger.

Monday

Today's letter is still pending, but this goes out to my Grandma. Actually I am sending her a postcard, becuase I will see her soon and she really likes to get cards, so I thought why not. I always send a postcard to her from my trips, but I haven't been away this year, so I thought I would send a travel themed card instead. :D

She always sets up the cards on her living room table and shows them off when someone is visiting. This is so cute! And I think that she would like to get a random card/letter from me. I thought about sending a card with flowers, as she really likes them, she even took a trip to flower festival in the Netherlands.

My Grandma is so dear to me and I want to make her happy somehow. So yes, I think this is a good idea. Anyway, I feel like after today I still will be sending some more letters, because I want to write to EVERYONE and I am really excited at the idea.

But talking about something else: Midsummer day is coming. And I know I will overeat a lot then and I am stressed about it. But what has to come will come anyway. I don't have my psychologist appointment for a while now as well, because she has a vacation and then I have my holidays. I have to manage stuff by myelf. Even though I am feeling a bit better at the moment and I hope it will last for some time. But I think my vacation is coming at the right time. I feel like I can't really work at all anymore.

Today I also need to write down main things about my master's thesis. I have really left it at the last moment, so I am doubtful if I get in. I am still going to try. I have an idea and main things, I just need to write it all down. Good luck to me with it.

Also I am going to my sister's after work to bake something, she has some people coming over tomorrow and she asked if I could prepare something. Of course, I like to bake and cook etc. But yeah, due to this I can't go out for a walk and this bothers me. Also tomorrow my mum is coming to Tallinn who we were supposed to go to some stores and then on Wednesday morning we are diving to Viljandi together. Again, no walking. And then this Midsummer day and all that. But maybe I need this. I wish it didn't cause me so much stress...

It is really hot. I am usually always cold, but what is going on at the moment, is too much even for me. My computer shows weather forecast and it always has a little sign saying "red alert", which is pretty accurate.

Yesterday I went to a beach with a friend around 5-6 pm and I got REALLY sunburnt, so weird. We were just sitting there for an hour, I didn't think this was possible. My hands are really ichy grom the sun, it feels pretty bad. And then in the evening in bed I was just like nope and took a really cold shower quick. At least I could fall asleep after that. But yeah, it is really difficult to handle. :D

Anyway, enjoy the nice weather, don't forget sunscreen and take a pen and paper to the beach. Write a letter to someone!

Actually I didn't even plan on doing this challenge, but then I thought that yesterday (on Sunday) I drank so much water that it was definitely at least 2 l. And then on Monday at work I also started strong, so it seemed that the five day challenge (at least) was go.

Sunday

I was in Tartu visiting my relative and it was so hot all the time and we drank a lot of... water. And also she didn't have any sodas at home that I would have liked to have. And honestly after a long period of time I felt thirsty. And for water.

When I got up in the morning I had several glasses of water, I also took a drinking bottle to the bus with me and at home I also sipped on carbonated water. And like... at one point I craved for a soda, but it... passed? Like, last time I had some Coke, it was on Thursday (I also did have a small Pepsi Max on Saturday), it kind of made me feel awful. It suddenly tasted disgusting.

When I went to a store and saw Monster energy drinks was on sale, I had already put one in the basket for myself, but at the last moment I took it back. For a period of time, about two weeks, I had an energy drink every day and I got really bad stomach cramps. Then from Thursday onwards I haven't bought them anymore. I still have had like 1,5 liters of coke on Thursday, but then I had a little break. On Friday I had some Fanta and then on Saturday this small Pepsi, but that was it.

And I felt a lot better yesterday. I didn't have this heavy feeling in my stomach. Also I had a ton of vegetables with dip and like 2 kilos of watermelon so I was full of water anyway, yet I knew that if I had some soda, I would still drink it and then feel extra awful later.

Monday

I just went to the store to get some lunch and I automatically stopped at the soft drinks. I wanted Fanta or Sprite really badly. But it didn't seem so good suddenly. Or well, it did, but I didn't feel like I absolutely needed it.

In the morning I had a glass of water with some syrup, I always do it when I take my meds, but at work I have already had 750 ml bottle of carbonated water. It is good to do that, we have a carbonated water dispenser at the office. And I have a really nice glass waterbottle at work. I got a new one from my relative and took this one to the office with me. 

I haven't really felt thirsdy today, but I have been sipping on water. And it is good. I don't know, I think I am finally over soda. And this sugar free thing. I am not saying that I will never drink sodas again, of course I will, but I will try not to have 1,5 l obttle every single day.

And even though carbonated soft drinks are sweet and kind of more filling, they actually make me more hungry. It is probably due to the fact they have a lot of sweeteners in and your organism thinks that it will get some calories. And when it doesn't, it gets confused, because it has already prepared. I think I read it from somewhere, but I am too lazy to look it up right now. You can just Google it.

Anyway yes, even though it is only my second soda free water drinking day, I am quite excited. :D I really needed this new beginning and Tartu was really good to me.

Today I have already had three coffees and I think I will make a cup of tea soon, but I don't count them into my water intake. I will set 2 l as a goal for pure water. It may be carbonated though. :D Becase like, water is water, but in black tea (that I usually have) there is coffeine and it takes water out of your body, so yeah, this is where the logic comes from. :D

I hope I will be able to have two liters today, but considering it is only one pm and I am already halfway, it doesn't seem that difficult. And if I want to have more water, I will have more water. And if I don't manage to have 2 l, I won't. I will just follow how I feel.

Last half a cup was a bit difficult to be honest, but I still managed. Later I also had another cup of tea - we had apartment complex meeting and it took a long time and I got cold sitting outside, so this was perfect to finish the day.

Tuesday

I wanted to start the morning with a glass of water, but I just don't feel thirsty when I wake up. So before I got to the water, I had already had three cups of coffee. :D But at least I am here now. At the moment it is 9:30 and I just started with my first 750 ml bottle of water. But I think I will easily manage two today, it is getting easier by the day.

Yesterday I actually really wanted to have soda. At home when I was sitting and watching TV, I thought I would kill for Fanta or something. Also I am convinced that the Coke I have been drinking also gave me energy, because I have just been really sleepy recently. I would really like an energy drink or something. But no. Maybe after this challenge I will let myself have a soda or energy drink once per week, but I don't really want this addiction to continue.

When I am drinking water, I constantly feel really bloated and full and have to go to the bathroom a lot, it is pretty annoying. xD But well, I am getting used to it, I am sure, and it will be fine. I know a lot of people who have done this kind of challenge and they have kept drinking just as much water for a year or more and they say that they will never go back to not drinking water. :D Maybe I will be the same, we shall see.

Today drinking water isn't going that well, it is already 12:30 and I have only had half of the first bottle. :D

And it was really difficult in the end. For dinner I made a huge bowl of pasta with carrots and eggplant and I had hald of liter of yoghurt with berries and cereal and I really couldn't get the water down. :D But I did have it in the end, even though I had to use the bathroom many times at night.

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Wednesday

I don't really crave for a soda, but at the same time I DO want some. I miss sweet taste. Every time I sip some water, I feel like something is missing. Also I need to start drinking regular water instead of carbonated soon, because I went to see the dentist today and I will get the invisalign things tomorrow (kind of like see through moulds that I need to wear) and during this I can only have regular water. :(

And I have to wear them 24/7, except for eating and brushing my teeth for the first three months! So it will be difficult, at least it has been a good preparation. :D It really sucks that I have a lot of coffee and tea usually and I need to take them out each time I make a cup.

Honestly, I don't really want to complain, because I am really happy with my teeth journey. The result is so worth it. And I want to keep my teeth straight. Also it was so weird at the dentist, for the moulds, they scanned my teeth with 3D pencil. It used to be that they manually take moulds, but now they just used a pen that they moved around in my mouth. It was kind of like in a futuristic mobie or something. :D But it was much more comfortable than taking the moulds. Then they also took some photos of me and had me smile etc, I felt like a true model!

It is almost 11 right now and I have had 3 sips of water. But also one glass of juice and I am on my third cup of coffee. So at least I have had some liquids.

My weight had gone up a lot today morning, and I really upset me. Even though I know I overate last night etc. Oh well. I guess I need to get used to it.

But honestly thinking back to my Tartu trip I feel really positive. Or like, yeah, yesterday was a difficult day for example, but it was nice to remember Tartu and I made myself go back there in my mind, thinking that see, normailty is possible. It did help a little. Tomorrow I also have my psychologist appointment and I feel like this will be the first meeting I won't be bawling my eyes out, haha. :D

Also it is my sixth day of not working out. Yesterday I felt SUPER guilty because of it, but I didn't go to the gym, I just didn't have the time. In the evening I did think that damn, I should have, but nah. It is not mandatory and I have this compensation from work for my gym membership so it doesn't matter if I don't go to the gym for a week or something. Actually I would like to go today, but I know I won't have the time for it. But tomorrow I think I finally will be able to go. :D It is kind of good that I literally can't go. Because at one point it did start to become obsessive once more. Exactly like yesterday for the whole day I tried to talk myself out of making pasta - it seemed so scary, because I hadn't had it for a long time. And the portion was huge, I could have just made carrot-eggplant stew with cheese, but then I thought that NO,I WANT pasta. Weird how this is so low on my fear foods table, it used to be one of the scaries things. :D At the moment the first place is shared by rice and quinoa and such things, then it is vegan meat alternatives, then breads, then pasta and noodles and on fifth place there are potatoes. But honestly, I think I am really scared of only rice and quinoa and vegan meat. :D I don't even know why (or okay, I do, I just checked some vegan meat nutritional information).

Anyway yes. I wanted to talk about drinking water, but it is just so me - I start to write about everything else, hehe. :D

Again the last half a liter was difficult. But at the same time I also had a lot of food again in the evening and I was really bloated. I surprisingly still felt thirsty so I finished the day with a glass of water. It was really weird without soda, I am always used to having a bottle after dinner and snacks. :D It is weird to sit without it, hahaha. :D

Thursday

It is last day of this challenge and let's see how it goes then. At the moment it is 10:30 am and I have taken two sips of water. I also need to leave work earlier today in order to see my psychologist, so I need to try and drink more. :D I know I won't do so well at home.

But also I would really like to go to the gym today after 7 days and I would be having water there for sure.

Recently I have this stupid habit of only drinking coffee with chocolate milk. I will try to go for normal milk again now. But it is difficult. :D Like last night at around 8 pm I made some decaf coffee with chocolate milk and caramel syrup for myself, hahaha. :D

Also my weight had really gone up today morning. I am going for the middle of my normal weight range and it is scary. On Friday after work I will meet my friend and we said we would go and have some awesome flavoured coffees and my first thought was okay, I will go and see my doctor in the middle of the day so I "don't have time to have lunch". But no, I can't do that. Especially if I want to go to the gym today as well. I think this is how normal behaviour should be.

I am kind of afraid of Midsummer day next week... but oh well, what can I do. I will try and be more reasonable for the rest of the summer then. Overeating once or twice in a week seems to be my norm. I just wish my weight stopped going up already, but if I want this, I need to start restricting, but I don't want to do this and it is all so complicated. I just...

Today I also made a mistake of reading about people with EDs online and there were a lot of pictures and it made me so emotional. I mean, I look well now, but I kind of want to go back to where I was with my body. I feel like if I was really underweight, my eating would be more justified etc. :S

Okay, today drinking water has not gone very well and I need to leave work in a bit. I will try to drink some though, because I refuse to give up. Ah, what I have also discovered after I started having a lot of water - I feel constipated. :D :D :D I don't know, why, but I feel disgusting. In reality it should be the other way around...

Friday

I managed to have enough water yesterday, because I had a lot at the gym. :D And in the evening I also downed a glass before going to bed, because I just felt thirsty. Even though I had just finished off a lot of watermelon, but well, it is me with my black hole of a stomach.

Today I am already thinking that oh, I completed the challenge, I should have a soda. :D Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I feel like I could have something to celebrate Friday.

I didn't see much of a change in my five days of doing this challenge. My skin didn't get better, my stomach is still bloated a lot and my apetite seemed even higher than it was when I had sodas.

I cried a lot at my psychologist's. :D I don't know, how this is possible. She just asks the "right" things, like when she sees that something is bothering me and is stuck in my head and I try to lie/not say something/come up with something, she doesn't stop before she gets the bottom of it. And usually it comes with crying.

Yesterday she told me that in people, there are different characters - for example a critic, angry child, vulnerable child, happy child etc. And then my vulerable child came out of me and I just cried and cried. But it felt so good later.

After this I went to see my dentist and I got the moulds. Oh my god they are so uncomfy and I thought I will never be able to sleep with them, but I managed. At the moment I got to work a bit earlier and I just made coffee, I am looking at the moulds now and I think that they are like 1. fake teeth or 2. lenses for your teeth. Anyway they are really annoying. I just rediscovered gum and now later when I meet my friend I need to take the moulds out if I want to have coffee and then later put them back and argh. But well, doing this for my teeth!

My weight isn't going down at all. I don't really want it to go. But every morning when I step on the scale I still hope that it does. Yeah, still can't let it go.

But I have walked a lot less, this is new progress.

Also, a funny story. I went to the gym yesterday, right, and did something with dumbbells (because like, there were too many people and I felt too awkward to use the machines) and then two guys were talking about training different mucles. And then one of them said that they should run up the mountain (mäkkejooksu tegema) and I don't know what came over me, I just couldn't not say anything. So I said that when he said run up a mountain (mäkkejooksu), I thought you said run into McDonalds (mäkki jooksu). Then we all laughed and thought that it would be a great motivator and maybe we should aim for a McDonalds that is far away. They seemed like my kind of people, but it was pretty #awkward, now that I think about it.

I thought about a lot of challenges to do... what would be an interesting read, what would be an actual challenge that I can stick to for 5 days. I had some ideas so I combined them all together.

At first I wanted to talk about moving and working out. Then I wanted to tell you about studying and reading. Then I wanted to mention listening to a radio or a podcast. I also wanted to do something in the kitchen. 

And then I thought about being a little productive every single day. Lately things have not been going too well and most of my time I just do nothing. To make the most of my time, I needed to make a change and DO something every single day.

I think I will try to and write down at least three things that I have done and would have usually skipped.

Sunday

Half of my fay I was kind of confused, because I couldn't figure out what I needed to do then. To be productive. In the end I came to some sort of realisation and started to put it into practice. All in all:

- I studied for 30-45 minutes

- I loved myself: went for a long walk and worked out for 15 minutes

- I cleaned and did some laundry. I still have some organizing to do at home, I need to take old furniture into the basement for example, because I have no idea about what to do with them pieces...

- I prepared some dinner that I haven't made before

- I read a book

I couldn't come up with more things at the moment, but I want to put emphasis on studying, which I haven't done in a while, and moving myself, which is also kind og meh. In the evening when I went to sleep, I felt really accomplished and it was nice.

Monday

I had so much motivation when I woke up in the morning. But at work I didn't feel like doing anything, but I looked through some stuff and planned things in advance. Though I could have done more - as always. But this weekend just went by so fast and I feel like I didn't get any rest at all. I will try and mark down as many things as I did yesterday. And do similar stuff.

Monday productivity list was as follows:

- I listend to an audiobook

- Translated a blog post into English finally

- Took an extra task at work

- Started a new law book I want to go through

- Did some exercises at home

- Made proper dinner (Japanese curry)

- Walked quite a bit after work while listening to an audiobook

Tuesday

Today morning I also felt motivated, but I almost missed my bus and couldn't listen to my audiobook in the morning. So I feel like I wasted this time I could have invested into it.

Otherways at work it has been a nice day, I have had several meetings already and I have been talking about things at work a lot. Also I have done quite a bit of work today. But yeah, I needed to get it done anyway. Also even during the moments I am taking a rest, my brain is still working on my cases, so I have some things almost solved, though I haven't written them out yet. It is good to be prepared though.

I would really love to go for a run today, but it is raining outside so it is not that inviting. I guess I will walk back home and listen to some music or my audiobook and do some exercises indoors. I found a workout video yesterday what I would like to try at home. I should clean at home also, especially because mum is coming over on the weekend, but I hope I will have some time to do it tomorrow or something. I sould go and check out my basement thingy. :D

- Participated two meetings

- Did this home workout

- Studied a little

- Listened to an audiobook

Wednesday

I feel like my productivity has gone down, I haven't done as much stuff as I would have liked. But I have made genuine effort and done things. So I guess at least I am more productive than I was last week.

- Had a meeting

- Studied for about half an hour

- Ran 3,5 km, which is the longest run I have done this year and I could have kept going, but it was quite late already and I didn't want to overtrain as we are going hiking tomorrow

- Cleaned at home, because my cat is shedding a loooot, I vacuumed everything at took the trash and empty bottles out.

Thursday

Today I won't be doing much, because we have a bog hike planned. I got up super early, but no wonder, as I went to bed quite early as well. I had to get up at 9 but opened my eyes at 7 already.

A few weeks ago I had this really stressful and depressed time and I am back there right now, I feel so disgusting and awful. Today is a bit better though. I guess it plays a role that my weight has gone up quite a bit yet again and this upset me.

Every cell in my body was against having breakfast today, because I know today brings a lot of snacking and drinking. But I made proper porridge for myself. Then there were these discussions about should I also add a banana, do I add regular amount of oats, do I add less strawberries, but I just override these thoughts and made my normal porridge. I feel better and not a guilty today, but I guess these feelings will eventually come, as I am sure I am going to overeat. I try to think that this is normal and I still need to gain some weight, but it is not helping. Everything is okay. I just need to repeat this to myself often enough.

At least I get to share these things with a friend and she understands me, this makes everything better. I have no idea if today will be any productive at all, but at least I can write down that I do something with other people, I am moving my body and I am participating in things. Will jot them down tomorrow.

All in all I do feel like I have been more productive. At first I don't want to do anything, but once I get going, it gets easier. And I can complete what I need to do.

One of the biggest changes is definitely that I am not on my phone as much anymore, I have been actually living. And I have been doing things I kind of skipped on for a while.

…

And there is not list today, because I was not productive at all. Well, I could add that I did something different at least - went to a bog. And swam in a pond! It was nice. There was a lot of eating and I calculated... well, I don't even want to write it out. Today I feel quite disgusting, but I am sure I will get over it. It happens. I have gotten over it other times, why should today be different.

My head is actually full of thoughts and there are so many ideas I want to do and write. Which is good. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what to blog about anymore, but I have a plan for next 2 posts already. I haven't written anything down yet, but I have good ideas. So should be interesting. Even though I don't know, things may change with the challenges.

I want to get over my food addiction, because I am quite sure I have it. All the time when I am awake I need to eat something. :D It is difficult like this. Sitting at home and eating. Or going out with people and eating. Everything is about food and eating.

It is also difficult to see people who are thinner than I am, like yesterday I needed to tell myself all the time that different bodies, different paths, different prople and everything is different. I guess it did help.

I really didn't want to talk about eating in this post, but I kind of got stuck here, sorry. :D Also I am sorry for being behind with translating my posts. :D 

I will try and continue with this productivity thing, I want to start making lists and completing them. It feels so good when you actually finish stuff. And it becomes easier and easier the more you do it. But at the same time you can't forget REST and doing nothing, because they are equally as important. So I took it very easy over the weekend.

Most people get too little sleep. The lack of sleep causes immune system to be weaker, you get sick more often and it also affects yout ability to work and think. Not to mention all of the other aspects of life.

There was a long period in my life where I slept maybe only 2-3 hours per night. And it wasn't as if I couldn't fall asleep - I just woke up too early and never managed to fall back asleep. I remember the times when I went to work an hour or two too early, because I only saw the minutes on the clock and thought it was about time. Then, getting to the office at 6 am, I understood something was wrong.

It was very difficult. I couldn't think clearly, it seemed like I was in a haze all of the time. I could stare at the distance and not hink about anything.

I did some research and found out that there are some people who don't need as much sleep and came to conclusion, that I was one of them.

Now this time is behind me. I am sure it is thanks to my medication, that allows me to sleep 12 hours straight. But I have a feeling it has stopped me from living. Like, even during the weekends I can't stay up later than until nine, though I would like to. I want to watch movies sometimes, read a book or study. But I am just so tired.

When I go to work, I wake up at 6:15, but I am used to this. I have no problems with getting up, I never snooze my alarm (even though I have five alarms set for every morning :D). And during the weekend I usually wake up around eight-nine, but I open my eyes even earlier. This is no surprise, as I go to bed so early.

Then on Friday I decided that this was enough. I sleep for the half of my life. And I know it is not bad and if my body needs sleep, I need to honor it, but I just wanted to do this challenge and stey up until 11 every night. And it doesn't matter if I don't do anything important, like it is fine to watch YouTube videos or just play Farm City on my phone (latest obsession) or pet the cat. Just... I feel like I need to get out of this work-home-sleep thing and give myself some more time to do nothing. Play on my phone. Like pictures on Instagram. Look up recipes.

On Friday it was quite easy to stay up. Around 7 I did a video call with my best friend, had a drink and we listened to some music plus I read some corona jokes out loud. :D It took an hour or so. Then I made some foor at around 8 and at 9 I had my dessert/snack. :D I did nothing, watched some videos (I should really post about my favourite YouTubers), read a little. And then Motu came to sleep on me and I couldn't make him go away, he was too cute, so I went to bed a little past midnight. Me!

Most people do this "my 5 am morning routine" recently, I am doing the exact opposite. :D How things have changed, haha. :D

On Saturday it was a bit more difficult to stay awake, even though I wasn't really sleepy. I went to bed around 10:30, but read a book for about an hour. I was surprised looking at the time at 11:20 whinking that I should go to sleep. I wasn't really tired, but fell asleep fast. The next morning I woke up a bit later, around nine I opened my eyes. Yes, this is "a bit later" for me. :D

On Sunday I really couldn't stay awake. Like for real, since 9 in the evening I was ready to go to bed. Also my weekend was really rough mentally and I was so done with everything. There was nothing on TV either. Finally around 10 I decided to go to bed, BUT I took my book and finished reading around 11. Then I was little on my phone and when I really couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, I fell asleep.

When I woke up in the morning, I was still pretty tired, but not sleepy. I didn't fall asleep on the bus, as has happened before.

Why else am I doing this challenge? Because if I sleep for too long, I get a headache. It is kind of like pressure headache and it usually happens on the weekends, when I have been out of it for 12 hours in a row. And I don't know, it seems like a waste of time. I could do so much.

During the weekend I didn't do any studying, but I have this planned for today. I try and go through some things at home. Time is pressing and there is a lot of material I need to go over. And then I can enjoy me-time when I stay awake for longer.

It has been a while since I watched a series or a movie, but yesterday I saw a commercial for Lucifer and remembered I started watching it. Maybe I will try and see if I can watch another episode instead of just killing time. We shall see.

I think I won't keep up with this challenge after 5 days are over and will go to sleep at a normal time for myself. But at the same time I am excited doing this one. :D Like I am a small kid and no one is making me go to bed. :D

On the fourth day I watched In Time movie on TV, even though I didn't finish it. I still went to bed at half past one, but yeah. :D On the next morning I was super sleepy. On the bus I almost fell asleep and missed my stop. And I felt like my coffee needed an extra coffee. But we managed. It was nice to be awake so late, because everything was so quiet and calm. My neighbour is renovating his bathroom and he keeps drilling. Or listens to loud music. Even though he shuts it off at a normal time, so I can't really complain. :D But yeah, in general it is weird to just sit, do nothing and watch TV.

On the last day of this challenge my best friend came to visit me and we watched tons of videos and had some drinks. It didn't matter it was only Tuesday. :D At least I ordered myself a smartwatch. But I am not going to say which one I picked yet - I get it on Thursday (it is currently Wedensday) and I want to try it out for a bit, then I will write a whole post on it. Anyway I am happy with it, even though it was a bit more expensive than I wanted to.

Anyway I had dinner a lot later than usually, around 8:30. I was super hungry and food disappeared quickly. Then I also had some grapes and chocolate candies. I thought that I didn't like chocolate with mint after all, but these candies were really good if I am honest. :D

It was difficult to stay up. Probably because I slept little last night and my body wanted to recover from it. I tried to read a book, but my eyes were closing forcably so I stopped. I don't know what time I actually fell asleep ,but it was aroun 11. Or a few minutes before that.

Anyway yes, that was Tuesday. I think I will try again today.

Today another friend of mine is coming to visit and we are going to order food. Can't wait.

In my last post I said that my depression is really strong. I had the first meeting with my new psychologist and I already cried and all. But it seems that she is really nice and I was happy. Mainly she just asked questions about me and tried to get to know me, but when she saw I was super tense, then we did some breathing exercises together. Also she is different from the other lady, we set some goals for me and it seems to work, because I love challenges, tasks and goals, they seem more reasonable when I have said them out loud.

I also saw my psychiatrist who said that oiii Signe, you won't get rid of your meds any time soon, when I told him how I have been feeling recently... :D He was really upset with me. But I guess I needed that. I just admitted to him that I want to be better already, as I don't want to disappoint them constantly. Though it is their job to make me get better. But yeah, I just feel embarrassed. :D

Anyway then my best friend came to visit and later I felt MILION times better. I thought that I wanted to be alone and spend time with myself, but I really needed to chill with her. Another thing to remember - when things are getting tough, I can look for help from friends. Now the next time I know what to do when similar things happen.

On Wednesday I had another friend coming over and we ordered some food from Burger Box. She took burger and fries and I took loaded sweet potato fries with falafels and all kinds of good stuff. It was really nice. For a long time I wondered if I wanted this or should I go for a poke bowl, but I knew that deep inside I wanted fries and falafels. My illness just told me that I want something "lighter" and "healthier". Also had some crisps and ice cream later.

It was a little bit difficult, but once we had the food, it was fine. I got super full too, I am always scared I remain hungry if I order out. Like, I don't get full from pizza at all. :D I could probably have several pizzas in a row and then also a dessert, haha.

We got to talk and discover how alike we are and how we both have some weird habits. :D

I got to sleep sometime between 10 and 11, because I was just super tired and also cold, as I walked home and it got a bit chilly in the evening. I hoped there was going to be a good movie on TV, but there wasn't any. And I wasn't in the mood to pick something from Netflix, because it always takes ma ages to make a decision. :D

I still have this habit that when I am awake, I need to snack. Like there is no life unless I am not chewing on something. I don't understand how some people can watch TV while not snacking, I just can't do it. :D Then I am thinking about how people have food at 5-6 pm, because I always eat at 7 or even later. I have never been the one to skip dinners or snacks, I always do that in the evenings. I would kind of like to get rid of this habit, but I can't. Besides evenings are the only time when feeling full is fine for me and I don't feel disgusted. I especially hate feeling full during lunchtime. But I am working on it.

Now today (on Thursday) and on Friday I have home office, which makes things super difficult, because I have so much food around me and I can't stop myself. It isn't even lunchtime yet, but I have already had some cereal, chocolate, some cookies and a few grapes. Of course I also had breakfast. But I just have so many snacks at home I am constantly snacking. With home office it also sucks I need to make myself coffee, there is no machine that would do it for me. :D My best friend said this once and now I understand her.

What can I say about this challenge all in all? I quite liked it. It was nice to stay up later and talk to people, do my own things etc. I guess I am not gonna keep it up, but maybe I can stay up until 10 or something. :D An hour added to my day.

I haven't done any studying even though it was one of my goals for this week. I hope that I can find my motivation again and do it this week, time is passing quite fast thesedays. Besides in the evenings I don't really feel tired, it is just a habit to go to bed early. I would like to go through at least half an hour of studying each night, I will try that!

Also today I am finally getting my smartwatch, can't wait. I believe this will motivate me going running again as well... then I can hopefully complete my running challenge too, as weather has gotten a lot better as well. So yeah, there are things to look forward to.

I think I have gotten over my major depressive episode now, I only think about it sometimes now. This is progress. I hope things are going better now again, because honestly I am just so DONE with feeling awful.

Also, for a moment I thought about getting up earlier and going running then. :D I have never tried this, but sometimes when I go to work I see people running and think that I want to try this too. I have tried staying up later now, time to switch up the morning routine maybe. :D Besides I want to try taking a shower in the morning... but I think I would be too worried about being late for work. Even though it makes no sense, because I usually arrive at the office an hour before anyone else.

I got a gift yesterday too, most of you are going to faint: my favourite vegan cheese! This chilli one is to die for. Honestly, I highly recommend them. I like this a lot more than normal cheese, I never feel disgusting and heavy after having it.

Ideally I would really sketch someone for a few minutes every evening as Ingrid suggested in the comments, but I feel like before doing that I need some practice. So I took five days and drew something on every single day. I am really out of practice, haha. :D Also I don't really have proper drawing equipment at home (don't ask why, but they are at work), so I just had a pencil to use, I don't even have an eraser.

Today I thought I would get some proper pencils and such, but on the weekends only food stores are open and near me there aren't any stationary stuff. Maybe I will go to a bigger store later and check it out. The other option would be drawing with a pen, I have several black ones, but I am too scared to do that. :D Maybe if I get a proper pencil and eraser I will try to cover something with a pen and see what will come of it.

Anyway yes, maybe these drawings are super boring and no one is interested. These are basically doodles. At least I am holding a pencil again, haven't done it in a long time.

I had a dream at one point. That I would take some paper, coloured pencils and draw my parents for their birthdays. I still haven't burried that thought, but I need to practice a little bit.

Several of the people I know have posted their drawings on instagram and at the beginning, well, they weren't that great. But now, like half a year after posting the first ones, they have become so good! This is really awesome to see. But this means that learning to draw is possible on some level.

I am not gifted in drawing by no means. I have just attended art classes and art school all my life up to until I was 18. I haven't always enjoyed it either, but I think it has been useful. This is a nice hobby, it is calming and quite awesome. It is cool to see something you yourself have created, even if it is just a doodle. Or a bigger piece.

I am thinking that I really want to get watercolours and make something bigger. I should pop by some stores before Estonia goes to lockdown tomorrow. Or getting some acrylics would also be wuite nice I think. 

Anyway yes, I will show you a couple of my doodles. :D I don't know, I am kind of on abstract art kick and don't want to do anything realistic. I like to draw nothingness or places, I am not a fan out nature morts.

I think I will take this drawing as a bigger challenge and try and draw portraits at one point. Just to see how I will progress, because I am sure I will. And I will take pictures of every work to see how I evolve. Maybe I should make one bigger portrait every week and take a picture of it as well? But who will I draw? Myself? There are so many possibilities, haha. :D

I think that drawing from a picture is so much easier than drawing something in front of you in real life. Person moves a little, their expression changes etc. Drawing from a picture is so much easier. But yes, I shall try this thing.

I would really like to show you the picture from the last day first, because the first ones are reaaallly pointless. But no. I will show how I progressed. Even though these pictures really cannot be compared. :D First ones are absolute doodles, but towards the end of the challenge I tried to make something beautiful as well, hehe.

But now to the pictures (sorry abot the photo quality):

Day one

This is just a really random thingy because I felt like it. The words say "who am I". I don't really like drawing on the first page of the sketchbook so I just wanted to do something fast and get over with it. :D

I still don't know who I am. I am still lost. I don't know who I want to become or what is my purpose and every time I think I have found something, things just get all fucked up.

Recently it has been so difficult to be in my head and the corona thing is not helping at all. It is not advised to meet people so I am just sitting home alone, watching TV and doing nothing. It is disgustingly depressing.

I am writing this text here on Sunday evening and everything feels so heavy on my shoulders. Which brings me to my next picture.

Day two

I feel like I am carrying a mountain 24/7. And I wish these were things I could solve. If my room was messy, my desk was cluttered, something physical needed to be changed. Nothing like this. Everything is messy inside my brain and this weight is sooooo much, I don't know. I cannot even express it properly. I am not even in the mood to cry. Like, you are sad and have to keep existing and it is just so miserable.

I have asked people how they are normally feeling. Don't they have this... constant feel of sadness? Like, whatever I am doing and with whoever, I still have a part in my brain that yells "YOU ARE SAD, YOU ARE MISERABLE, EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS" in my head. And so I am dividing my attention between real life and these thoughts.

And these thoughts are so, so strong. I feel like it is especially so in the last few days and especially when I am home alone. It seems to be growing even stronger and it realllly upsets me. And like... I don't KNOW what to do. ARGH.

Day three

Everything felt so pointless on Saturday that I set my alarm for 7 pm and went to bed. And stared at the ceiling for two hours. I was so bored. Everything was so pointless. This picture shows my mood well. I really hoped to fall asleep to get rid of everything for a couple of hours, but I am not goot at napping. And I can't fall asleep without my medication. So yeah, that was pointless as well. I called to my sister to talk a little, but she was super busy and didn't have time for me. So now I am ranting in my blog, writing out everything that is bothering me.

Day four

I still didn't have proper drawing stuff, so I really didn't want to make something bigger.

Motu is so adorable and he is a good company. He seems to intuitively know, when I am having hard time. He keeps jumping onto my lap and sleeping here or he is just close by. Whenever I feel better, he spends his time in another room or something. But not right now.At first it was kind of irritating, he was just basically stuck to me, kept sleeping on my place on the coutch etc, but I understand now that he KNOWS I need the support and he is doing the best he can. Honestly, cats are really smart!

Day five

I am really proud of this pictures, hahaaa. I got some proper pencils, eraiser and sharpner and I thought I would try and make something more elaborate. I don't know it it looks like it though, because it took me quite a little time to make it. But I feel good about it. Like yay, see, I can do it if I set my mind to it.

I really do want to get to drawing people, but honestly, I tried to make something today and it was awful. Wasting of perfectly good paper if I am honest.

And I should try properly drawing Motu. Though I am scared. I don't want to be disappointet in myself, and I know I would, like today with the portrait. I promised to myself already that for a few days now I will only draw unknown plants and don't try to make anything more difficult. But I would kind of like to be good at everything right away. :D

Today I don't feel like drawing more, even though I don't have much to do. This cat picture took me about 45 minutes and time past SO FAST and I loved it, because I was BORED.

Have done some proper reading today as well, but the book I am currently reading is SOOO thick, haha. :D I am soon 1/3 through. But it is good at least.

I don't have any idea about what to do with my time, though I don't really want Monday to come, because I don't want to work. I am having such hard time recently and just thinking about work makes my head ache.

Talking about happier things - in the summer I will probably get rid of my braces, hurrah! I asked my dentist last time I saw her and she said that she is thinking summer. Next two times are deciding. I cannot wait. :D I will become such an amazing looking personthen! I hope we can then go out again as well, because I want to show off my new clothes and smile. :D

Braces have cost me about 3000 euros up until now, but when I look at myself, I am so pleased. Even with braces I can smile now (though no one sees my smile through the mask, haha :D), but I want them gone. And omg, I will be able to wear lipstick!

I finally got where I wanted to be. I wanted to become more positive with this post. I decided that I will write about anything until this awful feeling is gone. It is not over yet, but I feel much better.

I don't really want to talk about weight this time, but the pictures I posted at the beginning are messing with my head. It is hard. Yes, very hard. I have been out of the hospital for a year and a few months? And it is still so hard I want to cry. I don't know why my brain isn't changing already and why things are not getting easier. This annoys me so much. But yeah, I will write about this more in the future.