I Won't Quote

I have thought a lot about this cheat day mentality lately and I have been thinking about eating properly for the six day and then binging out on the seventh. But then I thought that pretty much every day for me is a cheat day. :D Though lately it has been like cheat days and then one EXTREME chear day. So like, usually I eat a few hundred calories more than I burn and then on one day I eat about 1000-2000 calories more. Or even more! :D I don't know, I just can't keep up with normal eating, I always have an ice cream, a bag of chips (or two) and so one, because I am addicted to food. And I just really hate the phrase "cheat day". The same as I don't like someone calling low calorie food guilt free. Because all food is just food, it does not have morality.

I am really upset over one commercial on TV, for healthy ice cream. Like I honestly just cannot. -.- You can see it here (See reklaam siis). And I really like this ice cream. Especially the chocolate banana one, but simply because of this ad I refuse to buy it (it says things like guilt free, fat free = good for you).

I talked to someone on Tinder the other day and about how his is trying to get healthier. And I said that I don't really want to start restrixting anything, because I know where it leads to.

But well, yeah. In this post I mostly wanted to write about my huge cheat day and Eurovision, because...

Watching this has always been my guilty pleasure. And I remember how me and my sister recorded it on TV and then made up some dances to our favourite songs and sang along loudly and wrongly. :D But it has started to become popular again. Which is fun, it is cool to talk to people about it. I was so sad last year it was cancelled.

Me, my sister and her friend ordered some food from Ginger restaurant. And then we discussed like what should we get and they said that maybe we should have two naan breads and I was like... no, everyone needs to have a full one. :D So we got some cheese-garlic naan and it was super good. On some places they are not very cheesy, but it was soooo cheesy there. :D Jahlfrazie Vegan was the dish that I took, it was with tofu. Others decided on Peking chicken and some fish thingy, which I also tried. And everything was really good, I mean it was way better than something like Little India. :D And I haven't had tofu in a long time. On the picture you don't see rice on the third plate, but don't worry, I took some as well, I just wanted to take the picture fast and start eating. :D

Anyway yes, the day started well, I had porridge for breakfast and for lunch I made some omelette with cottage cheese salad and also had an apple. I really wanted to skip a meal(s), but I didn't, because I knew I would overeat if I did. Which I still did.

I mean, I was super full after the meal. It was difficult to finish the naan, but it was so good I just had to... and then my sister had a bag of tortilla chips and a bag of garlic rye bread crisps and I had them all by myself. The others were too full, but I just COULDN'T stop myself. On the moments like this I get this "all or nothing" thought and I keep eating and eating and eating. And then after the Eurovision I went home and thought that I would like to have something else, even though I was feeling sick and physically there was no room for food in my stomach.

On the next morning I wondered if I should have breakfast or not, but I did make porridge in the end. And honestly, I felt so sick and nauseous from food, but I still finished the whole bowl, because it is weird to leave food and I like the eating process. I don't know, what do I have to do to become normal?

Then I went for a walk and legit just strolled around for 4 hours. But I walked quite slow, so it wasn't too many steps. I felt guilty, but not as much as usual. Though I am already stressing about nect week and for the fact I am going to visit a friend and we are going to order food again. :D

My weight had gone up a lot after the Eurovision of course and it ruined my day, it was difficult to deal with myself. I didn't know WHAT to do... I just kept thinking about the last night. Ruminated. My psychologist is definitely proud of me for remembering this word. She said last time that ruminating means when cows are digesting food and it means that you think about what happened a lot, feel guilty and depressed and all kinds of emotions. Usually I am the one who worries about stuff in advance, we did a map where I said that 60% of the time I worry because of the future, then 30% of the time I ruminate and about 10% of the time I am able to be present. She gave me some practice on how to get better at it - but honestly, it didn't help much.

It works like this: you look around and notice 5 red (or any other colour) things and count them. Then you listen to the noises and notice 5 different sounds. There was one more thing which I can't remember at the moment. Anyway, it makes you focus on the present. But yeah, practice definitely helps. And logically it does help, because you come out of your head and see what is happening around you. It is a start to focus back on the future. It is also nice to take a few moments and just breathe calmly, try to empty your mind and walk around in your body, to see where you hold the tension and try and relax these parts of your body. I like that she teaches me stuff like this, because with my last psychologist, I just ranted for an hour and then went home just like that.

But I also wanted to write about the Eurovision songs that I liked and the first one is of course Italy (listen here: ITAALIA) who also won. :D And honestly, it was not my favourite at the beginning, but now I have listened it again and I think it is pretty good. And it is nice to have one of the original countries win.

Next Iceland (listen here:ISLAND), which was my top favourite and who I voted for. :D I wanted the proper Eurovision experience and let myself make a call. They seemed really shy and awkward, but this is what makes Eurovision into Eurovision, they had definitely gotten the memo! A show and everything, proper ESC.

Then I also really liked Lithuania (listen here: LEEDU) who had a proper corona song about how you dance alone at home and make it into a discoteque. :D It was again funny, but I still liked it. It was nice. I already remembered it from the first semi final. Also in general the first semi final was so much better than the second one. But there were a lot of good songs alltogether. Also the voting process was really cool, I liked how they added public's voices at the end, it really made it more exciting. :D

Then... at the moment I can't say I support Israel (listen here: IISRAELI) because of what is happening at the world. Also this song's title in this context sounds so bad. But at the same time I don't want to blame the singer, it is not her fauly. She is just a toy. In general I want to say that I liked this song. But I didn't vote for it and I hoped it didn't do well. But the SONG itself was pretty decent. I just needed to bring this out.

Also very different - I liked Azerbaijan's (listen here: AZERBAIJANI) sond Mata Hari. It had a good beat and it was interesting, very different. I just liked it. :D Can't really comment much on it, but I wanted to mention them.

And finally I would also like to mention Norway (listen here: NORRA), which I really enjoyed. :D And honestly, I could listen to this normally, not like Azerbaijan, Lithuania and Iceland that just fits into Eurovision. This was a good popsong.

From the semi final I remember some more songs that I liked. For example Czech Republic. Also I enjoyed Ukraine and Russia and... well, let's say 80% of the songs were nice. :D It has been a while since we had such a good Eurovision Song Contest. :D

Who were you rooting for? Did you watch and vote? Will you, next year? :D Have you, previously? For a few days now I am going to think about Eurovision a lot, before moving on with my life.

I promise there are new challenge posts coming soon as well, I have some ideas and some that I am doing right now. :D Today I wanted to make one as well, but I was just too tired, I am thinking that maybe next weekend... I will try. I need to plan it out a little more. :D But at the same time next weekend is the one I finally don't have any plans for and I can REST.

Also got a vaccination appointment as well. When they opened the registration for it, I waited for a whole day and they suggested me a time in August on the other side of Estonia. So when they added new time slots on 22nd of May, I set an alarm and woke up at 8:30 am... to finally log in at 11:30. :) Anyway, I will be getting my first jap on 1st of June! I am getting Pfizer, but I am not worried at all, I would be happy with anything, to be fair. I just want it to be done. Wanna feel a little safer and not worry about infecting others. This has been my biggest fear, I am not afraid for myself to be honest.

To conclude, I would say that this weekend flew by so fast and I would like to rest a bit more. I slept a little during the day on Sunday, because I was just super tired. And I also went to bed quite early, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. That's what happens when you get old...

I also wanted to mention that recording the audiobook is going fine, I have recorded at least one chapter every day. I also got feedback in which they said I read very well, this was nice! :) And it is exciting for me as well. :D The most difficult part is pronouncing the names and pleaces, but I think I have managed quite okay. I wonder if I could listen to what I have recorded later on? I tried, to check how the quality was, but it was terrible... :D I can't stand my voice at all.

On Saturday before going to watch Eurovision my sister's friend and I went to some stores and I actually bought CLOTHES. I got quite a few things, so I feel good. And it was nice change, while we were shopping, I didn't even think about food, clothes seemed interesting and I wasn't obsessing over going to food store. Usually this is what happens with me. I could spend hours in food stores, haha. :D 

Anyway, I will keep ruminating and see you next time.

A long time ago I found an article online which talked about doing some volunteer work and reading audiobooks to blind people.

This article was super old, but I decided to send them a message and ask if they are still looking for people, because I would love to donate some of my time. And less than 24 hours later I got an answer saying they would be really happy if I did that. It was so sweet!

So I agreed on a book, went to the library, got a microphone and started... to read. I am reading Jo Nesbo's "Thirst", because Nesbo is one of my favourite writers and people were looking forward to it. So I get to do 2 in 1 - enjoy a book myself and do something good at the same time.

I started to record on Monday evening and I discovered that I make so many mistakes. Awful. :D I thought that as I read quite a lot myself, it is easy, but it is not. At the same time I will not give up and read the whole book. Especially because I myself have started to listen to audiobooks a lot and there aren't many in Estonian.

I thought I have read "Thirst" already, but during the first page I discovered that I haven't. Anyway, I will mark down here how I am doing and I also suggest you look up similar things wherever you are from. Especially now when most of the people are sitting at home and there isn't much to do. It is a good way to pass some time.

They have a list of books they would like to be read, but if you have a book at home, you can simply read this! I think it is super cool. Also they sent me an explanation how and what to read, which program to use and so on. They were super friendly and this was such a positive experience.

I uploaded first two files and I am looking forward to feedback, is this good enough or should I change something. I think I could also record with my phone, as my computer was not working properly (but it is now okay) and I thought about using this. Luckily it is fine now and I can use the microphone.

I am really interested to know how long it takes me to record it and how long the book is. :D Most of the books I have listened to are somewhere between 7-10 hours, so I think I need to read quite a bit. At the same time "Thirst" is a long book, so maybe it will be even longer. Well, reading takes a bit longer anyway, because sometimes I mess up and have to start again. I am not professional enough to cut the wrong part out yet, I need to try the program out a little more. It kind of sucks if I mess up at the moment. But well, like everything, it needs a little practice t read. I feel like I am performing or something. :D But yeah, in general it is really cool. When I listen back on what I read, it is so weird, because I am not used to my own voice at all, haha. :D But well, I hope it changes after this experience.

I am thinking that once I have read this book, I would gladly take another one, because at the moment I have a lot of motivation to do this.

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On Tuesday evening I finished the first chapter. I kind of messed up a little, but didn't start again, so I hope they will forgive me. It is a bit difficult as well, as I am trying to pronounce all the Norwegian names and stuff, but I am not sure I am doing a good job. :D

At first I also thhought that yes, I will give characters different voices and everything, but honestly I am happy I could read at least something. It is not as easy as it seems when you are listening to an audiobook!

And to clarify, I have read this book, but I don't think I finished it, because the first chapter was kind of familiar in the end. I also managed to get the microphone to work properly finally, the prologue was not as loud as I would have liked. We shall see. I wanna go home already and keep recording. :D

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Second chapter went more smoothly, even though I started recording quite late and I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could make some food for myself. But it was nice, I like reading stuff out loud.

I remember that when me and my sister were small, we had rooms next to each other and sometimes I read a whole book to her, even though she fell asleep at the beginning already. :D I just read and read and didn't stop until it was over.

I haven't listened to a lot of audiobooks lately, but it is only because I was too lazy to charge my headphones. xD It is so simple, but I just don't remember to do it. I think I will charge them for tomorrow, even though I really wanted to listen to something today already when I was going to work.

The Hilarious Life of Depression is still quite good and I still have 8 hours more to listen. But at the same time the loan period will be over soon, so I need to listen to it more. I can borrow it again though, so it is no problem to be honest.

I think that law books should be in audio format as well, I would really like to listen to them, because I am not doing that great with studying recently. I am still trying to do at least SOMETHING every day, even though it is not working out great. I still haven't refound my motivation.

Today, on Thursday, I have a new phychologist appointment as well, they are so often thesedays. I don't really have anything to talk about to her, but we shall see what she wants to discuss.

Are you going to watch Eurovision? I saw the first semifinal and I am planning to watch the second as well. And then on Friday me, my sister and her friend are going to order food and watch the final. I can't wait, I really need some time off! But my vacation starts in ten days! Can't come fast enough.

I found a new favourite ice cream while watching the second semifinal. Like, I love coconut, but I thought this was going to be too much. But it wasn't. And honestly, it is the best ice cream I have ever had. :D The price is also cheap, so this is a big success.

Which songs did I like from the Eurovision ones? Iceland is definitely a favourite, Czech was good as well, but they didn't make it to final. Norway I liked, Israel as well, surprisingly. First semifinal was better though and it is kind of sad that Estonia didn't get to the final, I really hoped we would make it. But at the same time it was to be expecred. Anyway yes, overall there were a lot of good songs this year, nothing awful. Except for some ballads on the second semi final perhaps.

It was nice at the psychologist appointment, we did some focusing exercises, I filled a questionnaire and she taught me some tricks to be in the present, because my main issue is worrying about the future. A lot of people have this problem that they can't be in the present, they usually feel guilt about the past or worry about the future. I am the worrier, but sometimes I feel bad about what has already happened.

I got really frustrated during the session so she gave me a small ball to play with, it really helped. :D I should find one for myself as well, because I liked playing with it and it did help with being in the present, because I felt something against my fingers.

This time we didn't really talk about eating, though we mentioned it a few times. My weight has gone up properly, so I am already feeling a bit weird about ordering food tomorrow, so yeah, worrying again.

Then lately I have started to become really anxious when I am not at home. It just came to be really randomly - we had a fire safety training at work and then I started to worry that something happens at home. Like, it is sooooo awful I can't do anything. Annoying. I have never felt this kind of anxiety.

And I finally also got a birthday present! I haven't used it yet and probably won't today, but maybe on Sunday? Then on Monday I can write how I like it. :D I decided on Delimano Pro... even though I don't have much room at home so I don't know where I will put it. Or well, there is little room in the kitchen. :D At the moment it is on my corridor, inside a box still. :D

Also I have a really big addiction to coffee with chocolate soy milk, like please send some help. I can't get over, I am having my third cup already and it is 8:32 am...