I Won't Quote

I think my braces story starts when I was about 14-15. Then I discovered that my teeth were crooked and bother me when I am eating, I always had to bite in a certain way and also my gums looked terrible. All the dentists I saw kept telling me that they weren't bad enough to get free braces.

When I was still 18 and had free dental care, they still kept saying the same.

When I turned 20 and free dental care ended, all the dentists were surprised that I hadn't gotten braces. Okay. This made me really upset. I guess they know better? I don't know, I used to think I was fine, but I always went to the dentist in my hometown and the quality there wasn't the best. At least I have heard many stories that say so. Okay, what's next?

When I was around 20-21, I got the moulds taken from my teeth, but my parents didn't have enough money to help me get braces. I saved up for a really long time, years and years.

Now later I have realised that my eating disorder also kind of sprung into action due to my teeth. I could change everything about myself - my haircut, my eyes, my clothing style and... my weight. I thought that as I was too poor to get braces, maybe I can make myself more likeable when I weighed less. Then I started getting compliments and comments about that and no one cared about my teeth anymore.

People have always told me that my teeth weren't that bad, that they never noticed them etc. But it just made me sooooo unsure of myself. I had a huge block in talking to new peoplr, I never wanted to talk when someone was taking pictures, I was always the one listening not talking. I just felt disgusting. I cried so much about that. :D Like honestly, it was so difficult and hard.

Then in 2018 I thought that okay, that is enough. I will look up a little about braces. I read a blog about braces and learned about a company called Maxilla. I read a lot of reviews and finally made a plan that yes, I will get my teeth sorted out there. I sent them a mail and asked for an appointment, which would have been... 2021 summer. Nice wait.

Then around 2019 summer the called me and told me that they have a free time in autumn, as someone cancelled their appintment. Would I want that? Of course!

I spent some time at the hospitals and almost forgot about my appointment. Also it appeared that I needed to fix a lof of teeth before gettinf braces, I needed to get rid of my wisdom teeth etc. But I was ready to do it and this is how my journey started. And in 2020 February I finally got braces.

And this time has been really difficult. I had to ware some rubber bands that always got on the way or I lost them. My teeth were aching each time after seeing the doctor, not to mention the money I had to spend. But as soon as I got braces, I already got much more confident. Because finally people saw I was working on fixing my teeth! Yes, I didn't like being on the pictures with braces, because they were big and annoying, but I still started to talk to new people more and get over this block I had with communicating.

It was shocking to see how fast my teeth changed. :D At one point I did wonder why did I have to wear the braces for so long, if I could already see the result. :D But yeah, this journey was long.

And now finally I am free from braces! Every time I pass a mirror I stop and look at my teeth and smile a lot. I would like to walk with my mouth hanging open all the time. I want people to see my smile. Finally sayings like "smile!" and "you have a nice smile" don't make me upset. This seems like something positive. Like... it has been a huge change. Both mentally and physically.

My journey is not over yet, as I have to wear the invisalign things that are really annoying. Also there are wires behind my teeth that stay there and help me not lose my nice smile. I am not used to them yet, but I hope it passes soon. Actually getting used to these things happen quite fast.

I wanted to write a lot longer post and explain things more, but... I just wanted to say that I am happy with the result and it was worth it!

When someone says my teeth wasn't crooked - I couldn't even eat normally.

On Thursday I had my psychologist appointment, where I just cried. Everything was just too much and I don't want to exist. It is difficult to live like this. We did some breathing exercises together and then she made me drink water, because it was really hot and I did cry a lot.

We came to a realisation that I have trouble with making decisions. I always want to make the "right" choice. But what is it? She said that with every choice, there is something I like and something I don't. This can't be helped. It is not possible to make a right choice and everything turn out to be perfect. It just isn't.

I wondered for a long time if I should go to my relative's place in Tartu or let myself be alone. Because I wanted both. And I know that if I go, I will definitely think at least once that I wish that I was home alone, but if I don't go, I will regret it.

Anyway, my doctor said that this would be a good exercise. Like even if I get negative thoughts, I can bring myself back to reality and be grateful for what is important. I will see someone close to me, I can talk, I see some of Estonia, I get outside etc. And I need to focus on these things.

I still don't feel any emotions. Or like, if I do, they are mostly negative. I am sad a lot. Mostly because everything seems to pointless and awful and I HATE this life. My psychologist is super positive and keeps telling me that we are trying to fix this and we are on our way. We shall see. :D I have some doubts, because I have been suffering with this depression for half of my life and it HAS NOT GOTTEN BETTER. Yes, I have had some better periods, but these are not IT, I still haven't really felt anything and argh, this just makes me annoyed and upset. I would like to know what does happy mood, happiness, excitement, positive nervousness etc feel like. Instead I get all of those negative things that are not helpful to anyone and make people worry about me. And I have also understood that no one else can make me happy. It needs to come from within. And if you are not at peace withy yourself, you can't make others happy as well.

What else... I ordered some vegan bbq meat from Vegan Gourmet for midsummer day and I will pick some up from the store as well. I am going to Viljandi for midsummer, I haven't done that in years. We shall see who else is going to be there. I just feel like I need to TRY and communicate a little more with my family. And like the psychologist said - if I can't do a lot, I can try a little. I can come back to Tallinn sooner, I don't have to stay for super long time etc. I can just go for a little bit and it is fine.

And my mum also said that there aren't right coices. But that there aren't wrong choices either. Which is true, I guess. I really like sharing everything here after my appointments, because I will remember stuff better this way. :D

But yeah, in general Thursday was very hard for me. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was just super tired. But I don't know how to rest.

I just really hope now that it will be nice in Tartu and I don't have to think too much and can just enjoy life. Also, for example on Wednesday my friend wrote to me and asked if I am up for a meeting. And my first reaction was of course "no, I have planned my day". But I wasn't really booked, it was just difficult to do something without knowing the plan in advance. So I thought that hey, I just wrote to my blog that I want to do something unexpected and agreed to meeting him. And it was interestinf. Like, nice. I think. It was nice to talk and sit and just be. Something normal. So thank you.

Hi.

I had some polls in my Estonian blog, but as there aren't a lot of people to read this one, I won't bother with it here and translate other things from the post.

I wanted to say that I have recently gotten some really nice comments on my Estonian blog and it makes me soo so happy. Thank you.

What I also wanted to write is braces. There have been so many cases when something bad has happened and I am scared of eating, not a good combo.

The first time one of the braces came off my tooth and it needed to be applied again (and of course you have to pay for fixing these issues ;_;) by another doctor, because mine had a vacation. But I really have to say that the clinic I go to is amazing and I always get help super fast.

Then something that they put behind my teeth so I would bite down correctly came off. While I was having a pureed soup! I thought this was only possilble when I ate something hard. :D But my dentist said it probably came loose even earlier and it just came off then.

Went to fix this and got new wires, and theeeeen the wire came off on one end. I couldn't put it back to the tube and the piece of the wire in the end broke off. And I needed to get it fixed.

So yeah, it is a lot of trouble, having braces. I really hope everything goes smoothly from now on. I have been super careful and will continue being mindful. No hard vegetables or fruits in my diet (or it has to be chopped into really small pieces). Not to mention having hard crackers or something like this. I just don't want to go back and need to get something fixed again and spend a lot of money, especially now.

Life with braces sucks. A lot. I had my dentis appointment last week and they put something behind my first two teeth and now I also need to wear some elastic things - they will help my teeth to touch correctly on the sides. And this is soooo awful. Also I need to physically hold my jaw differently to bite properly. My jaw is under pressure and eating is entirely impossible - my teeth on the sides just don't touch. Also I have broken several elastics within the first day already. I hope I will get used to it, because I need to wear them at least until 11th of August. So all summer it will be really difficult. At first my dentist said that this step will come at the end of summer, but they did it now.

Also this cost a lot, 110 euros. :( Anyway, yeah, it is very uncomfortable. And difficult as well, especially because eating is a struggle anyway. For example after my appointment, for dinner I had sweet potato that was really soft. And I kid you now, I ate it for a full hour! Depressing. I just need to have something softer/more liquid, but who wants to do that anyway? Soft foods and smoothies and stuff is not filling for me. To be satisfied, I need to chew something. So yeah, I don't know. Maybe I will take the elastics out for mealtimes and try it like this. Maybe it is better like that. My dentist said that everyone needs to go through this but it is not helping. It is soooo so super uncomfy. And I thought it was difficult until now! At least after this period, it should get easier. I cannot wait. At the moment I think I have had braces for about 4 months...? Maybe a bit more. So quite a bit from 1,5 years she predicted (and I really hope I don't have to wear them for longer).

What I also wanted to talk about is midsummer day. In Estonia we usually celebrate it with family or friends and have a BBQ, but I spent this year alone. I felt a bit guilty for not going to my parents' place with my sister, but all in all... I really needed this time alone. I made a proper meal and also had a lot of sweet stuff. :D I was good. Even though it was difficult.

Also this was my first completely vegan midsummer day. I used Bon Soya BBQ sausages, which are in my opinion really similar to just normal sausages. And for stuffing the mushrooms, I used vegan Violife cheese slices. It tasted amazing. Also I had some peanut butter ice cream and strawberries and finished of the night with around a kilo of watermelon. :D So I had a lot of food and more.

I am thinking that maybe there is a small part of me that was afriad of going to Viljandi due to the amount of food I would have had. In Tallinn I also had a bit too much food, but I think it was less than I would have had at home. I feel a bit weird - I can't trust myself. I want to say that yes, I wanted to be alone (and I did!), but maybe there was a small part of me that thought that. Anyway, it is what it is, I can't change it now.

My sister is still at my parents' place so I have been spending more time alone. I have done well. We also have a deal with her - I am sending pictures of all of my meals and snacks. This makes me responsible and helps to avoid relapse.

For some days now my weight has been steadily going up, so whatever I am doing is working. I also saw my psychologist last week and I could tell her a lot of stuff. I still can't say it was therapy, more like a consultation with a psychologist, but I have a feeling it was helpful. I used up an entire hour and told her about everything. About braces, work, eating and so on. Today I am also going to see my psychiatrist, even though I have no idea what I am supposed to tell him. I feel like it is unnecessary, but at the same time I find I should see him every month. To see how I am doing. But I still saw the psychologist just a few days ago and I don't know if they are exchanging what I talked about or... should I just tell him the same things?

I told my psychologist a lot of the stuff I have written down here on my blog. She especially liked my rant about commitment versus motivation. I also told her about my small challenges. And we also talked a lot about my Tartu experience and how it was there. I also told her that if I ever am going to relapse, I will voluntarily go to the hospital.

As my alphabet challenge is coming to an end, I need to come up with something new. Oh, me and my friend are going to do five tibetan yoga challenge. We are starting on the first of July. I am not really sure what it is about, but there is more information regarding it here. And we are planning to stick with it for 100 days. And if we miss a day, we need to start again from the beginning. Let's see, which one of us finishes first. :D

Anyway, if anyone has any recommendations of things to try (it can be challenges or anything else really), just let me know. My door is always open. Write it in the comments, tell me on instagram or twitter, whatever you find comfortable. For example someone recommended me a milk under last post and I am going to try it! This kind of small things are really important to me.

Regarding milk - tomorrow there is an event to try Estonian made plant milks which I am going to attend, as my friend asked me to go. Seems like something really cool!

About braces

To change up the Japan content, I decided to write about eating, which has become very difficult recently again. Manily because I got braces for my lower teeth now.

Also they put a "filling" on one of my back tooth, which means there is only one spot in my mouth that I can chew with. Which means, as my dentist also said, I need to live on pureed soups, mashed potatoes and so on.

And eating is difficult as it is. This is not ideal.

I understand that you can get enough calories from soft foods, but I never feel satisfied enough. Also eating is in focus a lot and I feel like I need to get an... experience from every meal. But right now I am only eating to live, I don't really even taste food. It is sad, makes me upset and irritates me a lot and I don't know how to deal with it.

Also the braces have broken my mouth from the inside, I have several sore spots and it hurts. I thought I would bring out these non glamourous sides of getting nice teeth... and I understand that it was me who wanted it and in the end it is worth it, but at the moment I am cursing myself that I have done it now. I just... feel awful. I feel so uncomfortable.



Braces.

About eating and every day life

This weekend my mum came to Tallinn, which also brought eating out, snacking and having some wine. This made me super upset. I had a major breakdown, with crying and yelling and "why am I like this" emotions. It is so tough.

On the second evening (my mum stayed for 2 nights) her and my sister wanted to have some wine again, and snack on something not so healthy. And I went mad. And then I tried to think that in a few years I don't remember the wine I skipped, I remember the good time I had with them. And this helped a bit (I also went for a walk, walkign really calms me down), but on the next day, guilt was back and even stronger than after the first night, which I had counted for.

So... I haven't made as much progress as I hoped. These situations are still as hard as they used to be and sometimes feel even harder. Every moment that ruins my perfect day, initiate a lot of guilt and need to restrict food. For example we went to have coffee with mum on Sunday and I felt guilty over taking cappuccino - there is more milk than when I would have had just coffee with milk. I am tired of existing like this.

At the same time maybe this weekend was a... wake up call. As Japan was. It showed me that the situation is critical (my own crisis in addition to Corona) and I need to deal with it seriously. I can't afford thinking that oh this day was okay and wowow I am well. The reality is different. There may be several good days, several good weeks. And then there is one day that sucks and it ruins EVERYTHING and it ruins all progress.

Now it is new week and new beginning and despite the weekend I will try and have all the foods and snacks properly. I am playing with the idea of writing my menu down here - maybe it would help to keep me accountable, but I am not sure. Also I have thought of writing down all the calories that I consume in a day, but I am not sure it is a good idea. It may 1) make me more upset or 2) show me, maybe I am not eating enough. There are a lot of thoughts but not enough answers.

So maybe it is good that the country is in a lockdown and I need to work from home for two weeks again. My sister has to do the same and she can keep an eye on me - so that I would eat properly. Especially because due to the lockdown there is less moving around and so on.



We went to have some food at Georgian restaurant, I had eggplant stew. I will try and make the same thing at home today, as it is soft enough for me to eat. At the same time, this plant based stew was difficult to eat for me - I could see how much oil it had. It is tough to live like this. Eating out is a nightmare for me. Ugh. I don't know what to do with myself, it honestly kind of feels funny already.

I also thought I will write about things I got from Japan, but for this I need to take some photos. I guess we shall see.