I Won't Quote

NB! This post has a lot of pictures. If this is triggering to you in any way, I recommend skipping reading this!!!!!

As I have a vacation from work, my mum and sister decided to go on a little road trip as we do every year. Last year we went to Ida-Virumaa and Narva, this year we went to some islands. I thought I would blog about it, so it would be nice to look back to it. I will make a separate post about foods and eating and describing how I felt regarding it, but here I wanted to write a little about this trip. Maybe someone finds some good recommendations about what to do. :D A lot of my friends have been on islands or are going soon, Instagram stories are full of these posts. :D

Anyway, on Tuesday morning we went to port and firstly went to Muhu. Our first stop was ostrich farm, which I really recommend checking out. It had a lot of exotic animals, but ostriches were the coolest. :D Anyway, there were also zebras, kangaroos, emus, alpacas and some ponies and one rabbit.

When we were petting alpacas, there was a funny moment. Some people were there with a little dog and an alpaca really wanted to look at the dog. :D And I was posing all nicely, but covered his view. And then hi BIT MY SHOULDER. :D This was absurd and funny and startling, my mum even got a picture at the right moment. :D 

Our next stop was at handmade ice cream shop where we tried a lot of different flavours. And then we went to Muhu adventure park!

At first we had thought that we will buy tickets for the whole park, but once we were there, we decided to go on only half the tracks. And it was a good decision, as it took us around 3 hours to complete them. I randomly saw a friend there, who also took some pictures. Nice to look back at them. Anyway, even to my own surprise, I had more strength and energy than I expeced and I completed the tracks quite fast. I think this is one of my favourite adventure parks where I have been. It wasn't too difficult and everything worked well. :D

After that we drove to Saaremaa and... I don't een remember, I think we went to the hotel and did a check in. Aaaah, before that we stopped at Kaali crater. It was a bit disappointing when I was there last summer, I kind of expected something... bigger. But it was just a little pond. :D But it was nice to see my sister's reaction who really liked it there.

After the stop at the hotel, we continued to Sõrve, to see a lighthouse there and walk to the end by the seaside. It was really windy, but it was also truly beautiful. I would totally go there again if I had a chance. One of my favourite places in Saaremaa, definitely.

Then we went back to Kuressaare and got ready to go and eat out. And after this we walked around for a little, just looked at houses and then finally went back to the hotel. We were awake for some time, just planned out the next day and talked. Then we went to sleep and the next day started.

There was a ferry we had to take to Hiiumaa at 13:30, but before that we wanted to visit the castle. It appeared that there was old information on their homepage and we couldn't go inside until 11. We decided to skip this and just looked around. But there was some time left so instead on the way to the port we stopped at windmill mountain where there were tons of windmills. This was quite fun.

I would have loved to see Panga bank, but we didn't have time for it. Another reason to go back...

Anyway, then we got on a ferry to Hiiumaa.

First stop was Kõpu lighthouse, which was really scary. :D It was super windy as well. :D But I really liked it. I like high places a lot. This is why I always take people to TV tower when they visit me in Tallinn.

Our next stop was wooden copy of Eiffel tower. It was... an experience. The tower was so flimsy that we were too scared to climb to the top. And around it, oh boy. It was a mess. So many things, so many little houses, so many things to fo. It kind of felt as if we had stepped into some surreal world. I can't even describe it, it made no sense. :D But at the same time it was cool, something really different.

After this surreal stop we went to see Tahkuna lighthouse, where there was also memorial for children who died in Estonia cruise ship accident. It was super sad, but really beautiful. This is how every memorial should be!

It was really windy, but it wasn't raining at least, as the forecast had said.

Our last stop in Hiiumaa was Kaibald's desert, which I really wanted to see. My friend told me about this, and I think it was totally worth it. We walked through a forest and then ended up in real desert! It was so different and weird and made no sense again. But really cool! I would have loved to walk around there for a little longer, but we didn't have much time left.

After these small stops we went to have some dinner and then it was time to get on a ferry back to mainland. At first we felt that there was not much to do on the islands, but we realised that we could have used one more day there. We went to main tourist attractions, but there were a lot of small places we missed. And we have been thinking that it would be nice to go again. :D

So this is very different post to my regular ones, but I wanted to write it down. At the same time I didn't want to talk much about eating, because oh boy, there will be a whole post about it. But for a second I wanted to mention how crookedly I see myself. This is fucked up.

At home and later looking at the picture I was like, ew, it is disgusting. At the same time when I don't see myself, I still feel like I am 75 kgs like I used to be on my heaviest days. My mind just doesn't connect my current look with what it actually is. I just... don't understand. So in some way it is good when I get my picture taken, but at the same time I don't even want to post these pictures. Because they are awful.

I thought for a long time if I should post the pictures, but I don't want to hide anythig and I want to remind to myself that I am on my way to recovery and one of the steps is gaining weight. I shouldn't feel stressed about it, because every kilo makes me prettier.

Now in Viljandi I haven't had a chance to weigh myself, but I will most definitely do it once I am back in Tallinn. My deal with the friend is coming to close and I hope I have managed to succeed. It would be so nice. We are going to meet with some friends on Saturday and we can talk about how we are doing really. Then we need to also make a new deadline to continue with the agreement. 

Anyway, yeah, that's it for now.

A throwback picture to Japan, because I really miss it. I should re-read my Japan trip posts. :D

Anyway, I finally pulled myself together and thought of some questions to ask from my friends and family. Firstly I asked my best fried to answer. I don't know... after reading these, I feel hopeful somehow. Even though it was a bit sad at the same time.

1. Have I changed with my eating disorder?

Yes, definitely. Obviouslt physically, but there are more things that I have noticed. You are tired, upset and easily affected by small things. I can SEE how your hands are shaking before eating and how you become serious after a meal.

2. What is the most difficult thing with me?

That you don't realise, how serious this situation is. No matter how much we talk about it, you are still stuck in the beginning. Maybe a few days after our conversation you know more and take things lighter, but then your problems catch up and you are back at the beginning. Despite this I will tell you 10000 times again and again how things are. I can tell you you are not hopeless and I am always there for you.

3. When did you notice I have difficulties with eating?

A bit less than 4 years ago. When you had lost quite some weight (about 20 kgs?), but this was still healthy. You did sports, but I started to notice you skipping food things you used to have. At first I didn't pay attention to this, because eating meat and sugar (the first things you cut) are individual and I can't make you eat something simply because I eat these things. But as I have known you for a long time, this was the first sign that there is more to the problem than just being healthy as you said. Then I noticed that you have a challenge to loose as much weight as possible.

4. How do you deal with this situation?

It is difficult. Obviously I understand that it is more difficult for you, but it is also difficult for me. For years I have seen you change physically but also mentally. In my head, there is Signe as you were and then Signe as you are now. They are two completely different people. I don't think that you are worse now, or not as good. Just different. People change with time, but it is difficult to see how you are struggling with thins. I wish I could carry half of your problems for you.

5. Do you think I will become completely healed?

I have told you several times, and I think that this is something you have to learn to live with. Of course I would like you to wake up one day and not feel guilty because of food, but this is unreal. I just hope that when you have control over your behaviour, it will become easier to deal with it.


Even the fact she described changes in me, is a little motivating. I mean, I have a goal to get back to. To become this fun Signe once more, who took things lighter and who was just happier. I don't have to move on to get better - I can move back to being as I was before all this madness.

I also asked the same things from my mum and reading these answers kind of broke my heart a little. But it was good to hear all of this. As I said before - we have talked about this topic, but it all feels really... not so deep and I really had now idea how she felt about the whole thing. I just had some general knowledge. She told me I can share the answers, even though I didn't know if I should do it. But at the same time I want to show this side of the illness as well. Show how it affects people close to us. So after thinking about it quite some time I finally decided to share these answers. And of course I told her beforehand that I will do that.

1. Have I changed with my eating disorder?

Yes you have. When you were "sinking", you were constantly angry and irritated. I never knew if I said something wrong. I also couldn't make jokes, because it made you more annoyed. You didn't seem to enjoy anything and nothing brought you joy. I tried to talk about different things with you and your sister, hoping that you would be interested, but to that, you simply walked away. It seemed that something was weighing you down, but when I asked, you said you are just tired. It was every day occurrance.  You were tired, but you always had to do something. And then you were angry about doing things. It was like you were posessed.

Finally you made it to where you had to go - hospital. This anger you wen through... You were mad at the world, especially at the nurses. But they were your saviours. All these talks we had, all those cries and all these stories. You are a smart girl and you finally realised that things needed to change. We had tried telling you this for forever. And finally you managed to guide yourself to the right path. It is like you are walking on a frozen lake and the ice is still very thin. But it is gettinf thicker. You have changed into being much friendlier, happier and talkative. You don't feel bad all the time, although it is not completely gone yet. Everyone feel bad from time to time, this is life. But these mood swings are tough. You are still having troubles with eating and you don't know how to deal with it. When we talk about it and I try and explain you stuff, you seem to understand and beat your thoughts, but you need help. But you being you, you don't ask for help often. Sometimes from me, but I am not a specialist. Sometimes from a psychologist, who has some time, or from your sister or a friend. But you usually seem to think that this is your fight and you need to deal with it yourself. You are on your way to getting better though, and at one point you will be able to handle this on your own as well.


2. What is the most difficult thing with me?

It is difficult that it seems that your existing means counting calories and then some thinking about if you have burned off enough of them. Even now when you in reality need to gain weight. Always checking calories on the packaging. If I dare to mention it... you used to get angry, but you luckily forgave your mum quite fast. Now you listen to my explanation, take a deeper breath and sometimes healthy thoughts win. You are trying your best to deal with the illness thoughts. You are doing great! The most difficult is to try and guide your thoughts and make you think logically.

3. When did you notice I have difficulties with eating?

At first when you started to lose wright, I just thought you are turning into a city babe. :D Everyone are like models there, it seems to me normal. At first it was nice to see - I was proud of having such a beautiful daughter. But when we met again after 3-4 months, I thought that this has gone too far. It was beautiful to see though, as I was never good with dieting. But this started to seem too much. When it appeared that you became a vegetarian, I was really upset. You kept telling me how you can switch everything to plant based. You are very smart, but I didn't like this at all. No chicken or fish... crazy. It seemed like a catastrophy to me. I became very aware of the situation. I asked and tried to accept your answers, I kept thinking that you have always been a smart girl and you know your stuff.

But things went really badly. I don't want to think about it, my heart starts to ache and I feel like crying.

4. How do you deal with this situation?

This experience hurt me a lot, it is tough to see your child disappearing. I never wish this upon any parent. You spend your days and nights worrying if there is something to be done before an organ fails. Please, people, eat. Your body needs food to exist. Don't give up. No one needs to go through something like this, not even my worse enemy. If you are in this situation you need to fight, fight, fight. No matter if you get your child to be upset at you, you are fighting for their life.


5. Do you think I will become completely healed?

I really want to believe in it, because I know you are smart and strong. I know there are some relapses on the way, and this illness doesn't leave you alone easily, but as soon as you start to understand things, I believe you can handle it. I believe in you and I hope that once you will win. Somewhy I believe you need a partner on your side who would distract you from eating related things. (Mum what the heck does that even mean?! :D)

I also wanted to ask the same things from my sister, but she didn't feel like answering, even though I kept asking her so many times. :D Oh well. When she finally has the time for it, I will try to ask her again.


I am generally really tired today, as home office tires me much more than actually going to work. There is much less motivation and everything is just annoying, I cannot focus properly.

Today I will definitely go outside for a little walk - the weather seems amazing. It is good that there aren't many people around my home area. I would go mad in this isolation.

Anyway, this is today's post.

Sitting here at 8 am in the morning, thinking about what to write. I just enjoyed a good bowl of oatmeal and I am feeling quite okay. It is Friday.



I think I have written and mentioned how my family deals with this eating disorder situation and how they are trying to support me through it. But at the same time I haven't written in detail, how difficult my family relationships are due to it.

Definitely one thing I have noticed, is that I get annoyed really easily and am really irritated all the time. Even when my family means well, my anorexic brain makes it sound bad and I get angry. I feel really guilty about it and say sorry, but I feel like I just cannot control myself.

I am thinking about asking my sister some questions where she can talk about my eating disorder. Though she doesn't really like this idea. :D Also I am not sure what to ask... it is difficult to come up with something. Would it be interesting?

I think that she is supporting me the most; definitely thanks to the fact we live together and she is sort of forced to listen to my whining. as whining, I mean the moments where I keep ranting that I feel guulty, today is difficult, I can't do this anymore.

With family it is difficult to get together or celebrate something. I just cannot take things simply and always overeat. And then on the next day feel really shitty. These are like binge eating moments, but not exactly... I still have some control. My family keeps telling me that it is okay and I ate a normal amount, besides I don't eat like this every day. And my weight doesn't go up! But I feel the opposite.

What is not really something that supports me... well, there was a moment when I was visiting my parents and my dad made me step on a scale so he could see how much I weigh. There is still a long way to go and my weight doesn't change overnight. This kind of behaviour doesn't help me. Gaining weight is the smallest part about getting better.

I also sent some questions to my mum but she said she needs to think a little longer before answering. :D I don't know if any of you would be interested in it, but I am now curious myself. We have talked about my illness, but it still sort of like a taboo. Also talking to my friends about it is difficult as well.

What people have said, is that I am not as happy as I used to be. And I used to be more fun. I think that this is true. I also would bring out that I don't like when my day gets "messed up". When I have to eat on different time than I am used to etc. It is annoying. Thus I am not really excited about making plans or going somwehre. This is upsetting - I cannot be spontaneous any more. For example when someone offers me a piece of cake I usually say no. Even if I would like some cake. This is one of the most difficult things but something I really want to change. I just at the moment need to know everything in advance, so I have time to process it.

There was a moment when my mum was visiting and before she went home, we went to a cafe. I had only coffee, even though she also had a cake. I don't know what stopped me... well, it was fear. But this situation makes me soooo annoyed. I am sad that I didn't take anything else. But I just couldn't.

Anyway, alltogether I would say that this eating disorder has ruined my relationships with other people, which is really sad and which I wish I could change. I don't want people to tiptoe around me and avoid certain topics. I don't want them to feel guilty or uncomfortable around me. I don't want to get annoyed at them. Sometimes I realise I am being angry and can stop myself, but I don't notice it always.

Also it is difficult to get to know new people. Anorexia is just so deep in me. And it is not a normal topic to just blurt out - btw I have an eating disorder. Yet I want to address it just in case... difficult situation.

I still think that I am on my way to gettinf better and even when I am upset at my weight in the morning, I can turn it around and feel less guilty. Today's morning was a good example. I felt bad and thought that okay, I shall have one less snack and I don't eat that or this. But then I thought that no, I am not going to do that, and by now I am already feeling better. I made a decision to fight it. I am not letting this emotion control my actions.

Today I am also planning to bake some bread. And I immediately thought that okay, maybe this is not a good idea, bread will have more calories than soup would... but no, I am going to bake and I am going to enjoy it! I am looking forward to this Corona madness being over so I could go and visit home and make bread there for my parents to try as well. :D My mum says she is really jealous and would like to try some. Also my friend gave me another recipe which I will maybe make next week, if we are still forced to work from home.

What else... I would like to apologise to all of my friends and family for being so upset over randim things. :D If you happen to read it (I know my mum and sister sometimes do), then please forgive me. I will try my best to be better.

I feel like I often give promises but don't hold them up on my side. I mean it seriously this time.

I went for a walk yesterday and made a deal with myself. Or rather, a challenge - to gain weight. Until now I have acted like this is something I have to do, but I haven't made it into a challenge. But now I will take it as one. And to cheat my anorexia brain, I added that "then the challenge is to lose weight". This would be another challenge to do. But in reality I hope I don't do that and only gain.

I don't know if I managed to explain it properly, but anyway, I am trying to cheat myself. I think this will help.

Anyway, is there something I should ask my family regarding this eating disorder thing? Let me know.