Sitting here at 8 am in the morning, thinking about what to write. I just enjoyed a good bowl of oatmeal and I am feeling quite okay. It is Friday.



I think I have written and mentioned how my family deals with this eating disorder situation and how they are trying to support me through it. But at the same time I haven't written in detail, how difficult my family relationships are due to it.

Definitely one thing I have noticed, is that I get annoyed really easily and am really irritated all the time. Even when my family means well, my anorexic brain makes it sound bad and I get angry. I feel really guilty about it and say sorry, but I feel like I just cannot control myself.

I am thinking about asking my sister some questions where she can talk about my eating disorder. Though she doesn't really like this idea. :D Also I am not sure what to ask... it is difficult to come up with something. Would it be interesting?

I think that she is supporting me the most; definitely thanks to the fact we live together and she is sort of forced to listen to my whining. as whining, I mean the moments where I keep ranting that I feel guulty, today is difficult, I can't do this anymore.

With family it is difficult to get together or celebrate something. I just cannot take things simply and always overeat. And then on the next day feel really shitty. These are like binge eating moments, but not exactly... I still have some control. My family keeps telling me that it is okay and I ate a normal amount, besides I don't eat like this every day. And my weight doesn't go up! But I feel the opposite.

What is not really something that supports me... well, there was a moment when I was visiting my parents and my dad made me step on a scale so he could see how much I weigh. There is still a long way to go and my weight doesn't change overnight. This kind of behaviour doesn't help me. Gaining weight is the smallest part about getting better.

I also sent some questions to my mum but she said she needs to think a little longer before answering. :D I don't know if any of you would be interested in it, but I am now curious myself. We have talked about my illness, but it still sort of like a taboo. Also talking to my friends about it is difficult as well.

What people have said, is that I am not as happy as I used to be. And I used to be more fun. I think that this is true. I also would bring out that I don't like when my day gets "messed up". When I have to eat on different time than I am used to etc. It is annoying. Thus I am not really excited about making plans or going somwehre. This is upsetting - I cannot be spontaneous any more. For example when someone offers me a piece of cake I usually say no. Even if I would like some cake. This is one of the most difficult things but something I really want to change. I just at the moment need to know everything in advance, so I have time to process it.

There was a moment when my mum was visiting and before she went home, we went to a cafe. I had only coffee, even though she also had a cake. I don't know what stopped me... well, it was fear. But this situation makes me soooo annoyed. I am sad that I didn't take anything else. But I just couldn't.

Anyway, alltogether I would say that this eating disorder has ruined my relationships with other people, which is really sad and which I wish I could change. I don't want people to tiptoe around me and avoid certain topics. I don't want them to feel guilty or uncomfortable around me. I don't want to get annoyed at them. Sometimes I realise I am being angry and can stop myself, but I don't notice it always.

Also it is difficult to get to know new people. Anorexia is just so deep in me. And it is not a normal topic to just blurt out - btw I have an eating disorder. Yet I want to address it just in case... difficult situation.

I still think that I am on my way to gettinf better and even when I am upset at my weight in the morning, I can turn it around and feel less guilty. Today's morning was a good example. I felt bad and thought that okay, I shall have one less snack and I don't eat that or this. But then I thought that no, I am not going to do that, and by now I am already feeling better. I made a decision to fight it. I am not letting this emotion control my actions.

Today I am also planning to bake some bread. And I immediately thought that okay, maybe this is not a good idea, bread will have more calories than soup would... but no, I am going to bake and I am going to enjoy it! I am looking forward to this Corona madness being over so I could go and visit home and make bread there for my parents to try as well. :D My mum says she is really jealous and would like to try some. Also my friend gave me another recipe which I will maybe make next week, if we are still forced to work from home.

What else... I would like to apologise to all of my friends and family for being so upset over randim things. :D If you happen to read it (I know my mum and sister sometimes do), then please forgive me. I will try my best to be better.

I feel like I often give promises but don't hold them up on my side. I mean it seriously this time.

I went for a walk yesterday and made a deal with myself. Or rather, a challenge - to gain weight. Until now I have acted like this is something I have to do, but I haven't made it into a challenge. But now I will take it as one. And to cheat my anorexia brain, I added that "then the challenge is to lose weight". This would be another challenge to do. But in reality I hope I don't do that and only gain.

I don't know if I managed to explain it properly, but anyway, I am trying to cheat myself. I think this will help.

Anyway, is there something I should ask my family regarding this eating disorder thing? Let me know.