A throwback picture to Japan, because I really miss it. I should re-read my Japan trip posts. :D

Anyway, I finally pulled myself together and thought of some questions to ask from my friends and family. Firstly I asked my best fried to answer. I don't know... after reading these, I feel hopeful somehow. Even though it was a bit sad at the same time.

1. Have I changed with my eating disorder?

Yes, definitely. Obviouslt physically, but there are more things that I have noticed. You are tired, upset and easily affected by small things. I can SEE how your hands are shaking before eating and how you become serious after a meal.

2. What is the most difficult thing with me?

That you don't realise, how serious this situation is. No matter how much we talk about it, you are still stuck in the beginning. Maybe a few days after our conversation you know more and take things lighter, but then your problems catch up and you are back at the beginning. Despite this I will tell you 10000 times again and again how things are. I can tell you you are not hopeless and I am always there for you.

3. When did you notice I have difficulties with eating?

A bit less than 4 years ago. When you had lost quite some weight (about 20 kgs?), but this was still healthy. You did sports, but I started to notice you skipping food things you used to have. At first I didn't pay attention to this, because eating meat and sugar (the first things you cut) are individual and I can't make you eat something simply because I eat these things. But as I have known you for a long time, this was the first sign that there is more to the problem than just being healthy as you said. Then I noticed that you have a challenge to loose as much weight as possible.

4. How do you deal with this situation?

It is difficult. Obviously I understand that it is more difficult for you, but it is also difficult for me. For years I have seen you change physically but also mentally. In my head, there is Signe as you were and then Signe as you are now. They are two completely different people. I don't think that you are worse now, or not as good. Just different. People change with time, but it is difficult to see how you are struggling with thins. I wish I could carry half of your problems for you.

5. Do you think I will become completely healed?

I have told you several times, and I think that this is something you have to learn to live with. Of course I would like you to wake up one day and not feel guilty because of food, but this is unreal. I just hope that when you have control over your behaviour, it will become easier to deal with it.


Even the fact she described changes in me, is a little motivating. I mean, I have a goal to get back to. To become this fun Signe once more, who took things lighter and who was just happier. I don't have to move on to get better - I can move back to being as I was before all this madness.

I also asked the same things from my mum and reading these answers kind of broke my heart a little. But it was good to hear all of this. As I said before - we have talked about this topic, but it all feels really... not so deep and I really had now idea how she felt about the whole thing. I just had some general knowledge. She told me I can share the answers, even though I didn't know if I should do it. But at the same time I want to show this side of the illness as well. Show how it affects people close to us. So after thinking about it quite some time I finally decided to share these answers. And of course I told her beforehand that I will do that.

1. Have I changed with my eating disorder?

Yes you have. When you were "sinking", you were constantly angry and irritated. I never knew if I said something wrong. I also couldn't make jokes, because it made you more annoyed. You didn't seem to enjoy anything and nothing brought you joy. I tried to talk about different things with you and your sister, hoping that you would be interested, but to that, you simply walked away. It seemed that something was weighing you down, but when I asked, you said you are just tired. It was every day occurrance.  You were tired, but you always had to do something. And then you were angry about doing things. It was like you were posessed.

Finally you made it to where you had to go - hospital. This anger you wen through... You were mad at the world, especially at the nurses. But they were your saviours. All these talks we had, all those cries and all these stories. You are a smart girl and you finally realised that things needed to change. We had tried telling you this for forever. And finally you managed to guide yourself to the right path. It is like you are walking on a frozen lake and the ice is still very thin. But it is gettinf thicker. You have changed into being much friendlier, happier and talkative. You don't feel bad all the time, although it is not completely gone yet. Everyone feel bad from time to time, this is life. But these mood swings are tough. You are still having troubles with eating and you don't know how to deal with it. When we talk about it and I try and explain you stuff, you seem to understand and beat your thoughts, but you need help. But you being you, you don't ask for help often. Sometimes from me, but I am not a specialist. Sometimes from a psychologist, who has some time, or from your sister or a friend. But you usually seem to think that this is your fight and you need to deal with it yourself. You are on your way to getting better though, and at one point you will be able to handle this on your own as well.


2. What is the most difficult thing with me?

It is difficult that it seems that your existing means counting calories and then some thinking about if you have burned off enough of them. Even now when you in reality need to gain weight. Always checking calories on the packaging. If I dare to mention it... you used to get angry, but you luckily forgave your mum quite fast. Now you listen to my explanation, take a deeper breath and sometimes healthy thoughts win. You are trying your best to deal with the illness thoughts. You are doing great! The most difficult is to try and guide your thoughts and make you think logically.

3. When did you notice I have difficulties with eating?

At first when you started to lose wright, I just thought you are turning into a city babe. :D Everyone are like models there, it seems to me normal. At first it was nice to see - I was proud of having such a beautiful daughter. But when we met again after 3-4 months, I thought that this has gone too far. It was beautiful to see though, as I was never good with dieting. But this started to seem too much. When it appeared that you became a vegetarian, I was really upset. You kept telling me how you can switch everything to plant based. You are very smart, but I didn't like this at all. No chicken or fish... crazy. It seemed like a catastrophy to me. I became very aware of the situation. I asked and tried to accept your answers, I kept thinking that you have always been a smart girl and you know your stuff.

But things went really badly. I don't want to think about it, my heart starts to ache and I feel like crying.

4. How do you deal with this situation?

This experience hurt me a lot, it is tough to see your child disappearing. I never wish this upon any parent. You spend your days and nights worrying if there is something to be done before an organ fails. Please, people, eat. Your body needs food to exist. Don't give up. No one needs to go through something like this, not even my worse enemy. If you are in this situation you need to fight, fight, fight. No matter if you get your child to be upset at you, you are fighting for their life.


5. Do you think I will become completely healed?

I really want to believe in it, because I know you are smart and strong. I know there are some relapses on the way, and this illness doesn't leave you alone easily, but as soon as you start to understand things, I believe you can handle it. I believe in you and I hope that once you will win. Somewhy I believe you need a partner on your side who would distract you from eating related things. (Mum what the heck does that even mean?! :D)

I also wanted to ask the same things from my sister, but she didn't feel like answering, even though I kept asking her so many times. :D Oh well. When she finally has the time for it, I will try to ask her again.


I am generally really tired today, as home office tires me much more than actually going to work. There is much less motivation and everything is just annoying, I cannot focus properly.

Today I will definitely go outside for a little walk - the weather seems amazing. It is good that there aren't many people around my home area. I would go mad in this isolation.

Anyway, this is today's post.