I Won't Quote

You know the feeling when you want to go and have lunch outside, you go to a cafe and just take the lunch offer? Well, I don't.

Until yesterday.

I got an opportunity to go out to eat and take my friend with me, so we went to vegan cafe called SIIN (siin means "here" in english). And it was so good to just go there and not worry if the food is okay for me. Because all the daily meals are 100% vegan and they are normal, homemade food.

There are some places near my work, that offer vegetarian food. And for some odd reason it is always fried cheese, pureed soup with cheese and other kinds of stuff with cheese. It really seems that they can't come up with anything else. :D They think that ok, at least it is not meat, so it's fine. So I gave up going for a lunch out while I am working.

Yesterday I also had university entrance exam (which didn't go too well, because what the hell were these questions?), but I took a day off from work to relieve some of the stress at least. And I had exactly enough time for lunch between the exam and interview.

I have lunch - always. But in general it is quite small, so this caused me a lot of guilt. What were we offered? Oh yes - soya mince sauce with potatoes or buckwheat, fresh salad and some bread. It was EXACTLY the kind of normal lunch I aim for! I had to tell myself over and over again that normal people eat this food all the time. :D

Anyway, the food was amazing. Simple and tasty. It didn't have too much salt or too many other seasoning, it was just, well, good. Again I wondered why I don't make something similar at home more often. :D But yeah, it was nice to have a homemade meal without having to put any effort in. Just walk in and you are being served. :D

We went at around 12, the food had just gotten ready. The place itself as well was really sweet and cosy, I really liked that you could sit by the window and look out on the street. We talked to my friend about this always being our favourite spot.

It started raining so much exactly when I headed to the cafe. I dropped by a store to get myself a raincoat, as I didn't have an umbrella on me. :D Anyway, it was really nice to sit inside, look at the storm and dark skies and enjoy good food and nice compay. Ah, they also sold a lot of the products in the store from this website: paradisefoods . My bag was full of stuff at that point and I couldn't get anything unfortunately. :D But yeah, they had some stuff I have never tried before. 

They are open every day now as well, even during the weekend. And you can also order food from there via Bolt food or Wolt. I think I am going to order lunch sometimes from there, because honestly, it is such a soul food.

Then at first I thought that I was not going to have the bread, but it was so nice and fresh and soft that I had to eat it, haha. :D Perfect with this simple meal, even though I don't usually have bread with my lunches or dinners, I have bad memories from the hospital. :D But doing this now is the only thing that helps me get better.

Also every time after your meal you get a vegan chocolate candy as well, it is perfect to finish the meal, as I have always said I need at least ONE bite of something sweet. :D And this also gave my brain some energy, because I had to go back to the uni to take the interview. Also, we had cappuccino and it was amazing, I had only had one coffee that day and usually I would have had three by this time already.

Anyway I really recommend this place! And again, I really loved that I could take the lunch offer, without having to think if it is okay for me. Just went in and got food. :D Also the portion size was quite good, I liked that they also offer a small plate as well. In some places they only have one size, even though I think this has started to change slowly. But anyway, I was happy with this. :)

I think my interview at the university was a bit better than the test, but I can't say for sure. I knew that I was prepared, but the questions they asked were just awful. For example "what did this philosopher say to that lawyer" etc.... I thought they were going to ask questions I really needed to know in working at law. :D Some questions were easier as well, but I am quite unsure. But well, if I can't get in, then the world is not going to end, I can try again next year, as at least I know what to expect (if they don't change it, that is). So at the moment I am just hoping it goes well, but I am prepared for the negative answer as well. I should get the results soon (ALSO I AM BEHIND IN TRANSLATING MY POSTS, I DID GET IN!)

It was really funny to sit at the university, in the class. I graduated from Bachelor's in 2016, so it has been a long time since I was at school. I kind of do miss it, doing something. This is why I am thinking it would be nice to get into studying again - it would be something to aim for and I finally feel that I have enough energy for this.

Yesterday, when I got home, I thought about going to the gym, because today I am going to my parents' place, but I left it there and just rested at home. I did drop by a shopping center and got a new pair of jeans though. I have a lot of pants, but they all are a bit too tight and bring me negative emotions, so finally I can throw them out and wear new ones. The pants I got are really quite nice, light blue, perfect for summer.

There has been a lot of eating out recently. For example on Tuesday I went to Vabrik and also at Jahu restaurant. This does kind of make me stressed, but it is good as well, to get out of my comfort zone. For example today I don't really feel bad at all, I just remember good things from Tuesday. As I tell myself quite often: feel shit, but do it anyway, because there is not progress if you don't.

Yesterday evening I also really wanted to skip dinner, but I didn't do it. I had curd cream with strawberries, raspberries, mango and Lizi's granola my friend got me to relieve my exam stress. And it is really good, I just snack on it randomly. :D Tasty as hell! I have kind of gotten over my cereal addiction and moved on to muesli/granola.

And this bowl I made was really good. Last time I had something similar, I whinged on the blog, saying I wasted calories, haha. :D So it was nice to repeat the challenge and show myself that this was good this time. :D

And now today after work I am going to Viljandi. My grandma turned 80 in the spring, but due to corona she didn't have a party, now she is finally doing it outside. My task is to bake two really big kringels - one sweet and one savoury. I think I can do it. :D I really love cookings, especialyl for others. xD When I went to SIIN cafe I thought that oh man, I want to own a cafe as well, it would be so cool to make a menu and cook and so on. So if my lay career fails at one point, I know what I want to do. :D

Lately I have had so many "accidentally vegan" days and honestly I feel really good. :) I have a habit tracker on my bullet journal and I always mark down when I have a vegan day and in July there was a lot. Even though it is the beginning of the month only! But I haven't tried too many vegan products this month, I hope to get better at it. I just need to put my mind to this.

Where else should I go and eat in Tallinn?

What is your favourite food you would like to make in vegan version?

If you had to cook me ONE meal, what would you make? :D

This month I have tried so few vegan things. It is sad, but oh well.

I thought that I am not writing just random things here, but I want to tell something. Like, with eating, things are still difficult. When somethin is not perfect, I feel sooooo much like I am "wasting calories" and I can't handle it. Like for example last night I made something fast to eat, because I got home super late. And it was my curd cream-berries-cereal bowl. Because I have like half a kilo at once, right. Well, anywayyyy, in this berry mix there were blackcurrants and they were too sour and I was thinking that I don't like it at all and ate it super fast for that reason. And also after this I had some grapes and ice cream. And like, last night it was fine, I did feel a bit guilty about eating so fast and so late, but it was bearable.

And then today morning it started - thoughts of "I shouldn't have eaten it", I could have made something else, I could have only had snacks, I should have restricted a bit, you didn't like it anyway, you just scoffed it down, it was pointless, you didn't enjoy the process of eathing etc etc. And I am mad at myself. I thought that okay, I'll use this technic where I let myself feel bad for a bit, but whatever I do, this emotion doesn't leave me. And writing this down here is somehow reassuring. Like... at least someone else knows now. I feel like I need to justify myself. I thought I was over these kind of things, but apparently not.

Also my weight plays a role here, because it is higher than never before, but yes. I just would like to cry a bit at that, honestly. :D But I don't feel like crying, I can't push the tears out, I am just upset. Maybe this is something I need to talk to my psychologist about - how to get over this emotion.

Everything is okay. I was hungry, that is why I ate fast. Food doesn't need to be perfect. But I STILL feel like I wasted it. I guess I will feel this way today, hopefully it will pass by tomorrow. I just want to get over it, I don't know, it is so difficult to sit with these thoughts. I can't focus on anything really.

Anyway, now that this is off my chest, I can turn to the vegan products I tried last month. As I said, there are only a few, but I hope it is still interesting.

Hakitud soja tomatikastmes (Soy mince in tomato sauce)

I have never used this before, but now my parents and grandma came to visit us and it was my task to make dinner. I made some boiled potatoes and minced soy dish, I added some more tomato paste, mushrooms, onion, garlic, salt, pepper, and paprica. Everyone really enjoyed it and didn't believe it was vegan etc. :D Anyway, this was really positive surprise and I keep thinking I should make more foods like this! 10/10

Tooršokolaad guaranaga (Raw chocolate with guarana)

This I got a while ago from vegan subscription box, but honestly... I didn't like it. And usually I am a huge fan of dark chocolate. I shared it with people, with friends etc and they had it, but no one said it was good. Maybe other Stay Young chocolates are better, but this was a big disappointment. 3/10.

Naturli jäätis vaarikaga (Naturli ice cream with raspberries)

I loved that it was soft enough - it didn't need to thaw out of the freezer, I could just have it right away. But at the same time... it was nothing special. But well, I know that I don't like fruity ice creams that much. I should try their chocolate one. But this, I wouldn't get it again. 5/10.

Beyond meat burger (Beyond Meat burger)

I finally tried it at the restaurant in a burger and it was just AMAZING. It was exactly like meat, I showed it to my relative like ten times, asking if this looked vegan to her. :D It really probablt helped that it was in a burger with other things like onion jam and stuff, but I highly recommend it. Probably my favourite vegan meat alternative! 10/10.

Vegan Gourmet klassikalises marinaadis sojašašlõkk (Vegan Gourmet shaslik in classic marinade)

Eeerm about this I am really thinking about buying several kilos and freeze it. And then have it all year around, because it is just SO GOOD. It was really nicely marinated with vinegar, it had enough salt and it didn't dry out while being barbequed. It was awesome, another favourite product! 10/10. Next time I will try the spicy BBQ marinade one. I also had one other company's vegan shashlik, but there were too little people and we didn't prepare it.

Nemoloko kaerajook matcha teega (Nemoloko oat milk with matcha tea)

I have tried it once a long time ago, when I made this popular dalgona coffee, and it worked well. But just this, I didn't really like. Even though I have a weird relationship with matcha anyway, in some things I loved it, but on other occasions I don't. Anyway, I will bot be buying this again. 2/10.

Kalevi tume šokolaadi kirsi-tšilliga (Dark chocolate with cherries and chilli)

I think it is fully vegan, don't hit me when I am wrong. Anyway this I liked, though it had too little chilli, it could use some more. But I have bought it several times, because it is really good! And even though I am not a fruity chocolate fan mostly, this hits the spot. 7/10.

Before I review the vegan products, I wanted to write about... Stephanie Buttermore.  Honestly, if I could get an euro each time someone with an eating disorder talks about her, I would be super rich.

Her theory and logic is that if you go all in during your recovery, eat as much as you want, whatever you want and don't restrict, then your body reaches it's natural set point, you won't gain any more weight and it becomes stable and all that.

But is it like that? I mean, there are A LOT of dangerously overweight people in the world. Is this their set point then? They need to be morbidly obese? Like people in those my 600 lbs life show etc. Are they meant to be like this? They shouldn't be healthy?

Aslo sge breaches eating whatever you want. Like, in theory I like this idea. That I can have pizza, a bag of crisps, ice cream, sweets, chocolates, peanuts etc. But... it will bring a lot of problems. Firstly, well... you don't get enough vitamins and minerals etc. If you only have cereal, 10 bags of crisps and cheese then I don't know, it is not very balanced.

Yes, I eat quite a lot of junk food, but if you follow me on Instragam or somewhere, you probably also have noticed I eat quite a bit of vegetables and fruits and stuff.

Also honestly I do not believe she lost all that weight "naturally", because her body understood it was safe and did it automatically. And I don't think her apetite went down. :) I just don't, sorry if you do. Like... try this technic if you want to. But I just think that... it makes no sense, sorry. :D Considering her past and how she has always fooled her audience, saying oh look I eat so much and never gain any weight... and then later coming out saying sorry I really restricted to make those 10 000 calorie cheat days... I think you understand where I am going with it. :D

And no, I don't think her message is all bad. During recovering from an eating disorder (also she has never said she has or had one) you NEED to gain weight and it is OKAY to eat junk food and eat as much as you want to. But this rest of the logic about set point weight and stuff is what bothers me. And all this lying and things she has done in the past. I think it is super problematic. And I have a feeling if anyone tries this, they will end up massively overweight and think why it didn't work for them. And Buttermore can say hey, sorry, your set point is just high. She has made herself clear.

But yeah, in general I let you decide for yourself, I just saw another post about her yesterday and I flipped and wanted to get my emotions out. :D I don't know, argue with me if you want to. This is what I believe. :D

But here are all the new vegan products I tried in Estonia in May:

Oatly šokolaadi kaerajook (Oatly chocolate oatmilk)

At the moment I am really addicted to cocoa and chocolate milk coffee, so I am continuing with trying those products. :D I think Alpro used to have one with dark chocolate, but I haven't seen it anywhere recently... :( But this Oatly one was really good. I have been wanting to try it for a while already, but it has more calories than some others. Thus I have been too scared. But now I did it! And it was worth it. It was really nice and creamy and fit perfect for my coffee. It is also good to just drink by itself. Whenever I made coffee, I just sipped a little just by itself as well. :D I think I liked it more than chocolate soy milk. In general very good! 9/10.

Laky kartulikotlett metsaseentega (Laky potato burger with mushrooms)

I think this is my new favourite product by them. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to try it out. I really liked it, even more than the one with cabbage filling. They also now have vegan cabbage rolls, which is my next thing to try. Anyway, nice texture, taste and a good filling meal. 9/10.

Laky kapsarullid köögiviljadega (Laky cabbage rolls with vegetables)

I love cabbage rolls. Especially the ones my Grandma makes, these are so good. Or well, were, when I ate them. I have been to lazy to make them myself though and when I saw a post about this product in Facebook vegan group, I was in heaven. I went to the store three times in order to get them, they were always out of stock. But it was worth it! Honestly, really nice. Seasoned super well. A bit greasy, but it didn't bother me really. I am not so scared of oil any more! 8/10.

Taffeli kartulikrõpsud rosmariini, tüümiani ja roseepipraga (Taffel postato crisps with rosemary, thyme and pink pepper)

I hate thyme so much and I was really suspicious about this product. But they were in the vegan subscription box. Finally at my birthday I opened them and everyone liked them, me as well. At the same time it wasn't something I would buy myself again. But I am glad I tried them and for example I am a huge fan of rosemary! 6/10.

Bon Soya tofu kroket ürtidega (Bon Soya tocu croquet with herbs)

I had them as a side to potato salad on my birthday and I think they were quite... dry? And not very seasoned. But at the same time they were good with dip and the next day we had them with ketcup and mayo and they were good. Not the worst. :D But if I would get another ball thingies, I would pick falafels or something like that. But for this I would give 5/10, not my favourite, but still edible. :D

Marta Pagari bataadipallid (Marta Pagar sweet potato balls)

I had been wanting to try those for SOOO long, but again, calories were scary. I got them for my birthday party and I loved them though. Others also liked them and they asked what exactly are those. :D Sweet potato is still one of my favourite foods and these were super good. Would definitely get again! 9/10.

Scotti šokolaadi kaerapiim (Scotti chocolate oatmilk)

They only have it in few stores unfortunately. But I really like it, though I think soy milk with chocolate is better than this. But it was nice, creamy and went well with the coffee. Also it is nice to have as hot chocolate. I think it is better than Oatly one though, but who knows. 8/10.

Alpro banaanimaitseline sojajook (Alpro banana soy milk)

I don't know what happened to me, but I decided to have it with coffee... I was tired of all the chocolate, so I thought it was going to be a good idea. It tasted like very artifical banana, but it was just sweet in coffee. I would never buy it again, but at least I have tried it now. 4/10.

Veganic porgandi-kapsa šnitsel (Veganic carrot-cabbage burger)

I hadn't had it in a long time so it was good to try it again. I don't think I have reviewed it previously. I really wanted some vegan burgers and this was really good with mayo and ketchup. I really liked it, but it is a bit pricy. 8/10.

Marta Pagari falafelid (Marta Pagar falafels)

These were amazing. They are frozen and I think they were better than just cold ones, a bit more juicy. These are always dry and need some kind of sauce, but these were just good even without. Usually they are quite expensive though, but I grabbed them during the sale. I would give them 9/10.

Aah, this month I have tried so little vegan things. I have been stuck into buying same stuff all over again.... I guess maybe I should just write about new products I have tried? :D I don't know if it would be interesting. I really like reading/watching videos about new vegan stuff, so I don't know. :D Or maybe I should review snacks and sweets again? :D If you have any ideas, let me know. Until then I will keep up with reviewing vegan stuff.

I finally got my hands on new vegan magazine in Estonia, where they talk about eating disorders and veganism. Three people shared their stories and it was really interesting read. In general this article was very well written and higlighted that being a vegan is not only diet, it is ethical point of view, with what I agree.

I really liked the part where it said that in research done with veganism and eating disorders, they found that vegans and non-vegans are not different and if they do, then vegans are a bit healthier. In evaluating pathological actions vegans got lower scores, meaning that there are no more eating disorder sufferers who are vegands. (I am too lazy to write down the sources of the fact, but you can probably Google it as well).

I am mostly vegetarian, I think the correct term is pescetarian, because I do eat seafood. But yeah, I remember clearly when I was in Tartu at the hospital and every single person, doctor, nurse, psychologist etc wanted me to have meat. They tried to make a compromise and tell me to at least eat chicken, but I remember that I always ended up crying and said that I will discharge myself if they made me eat meat. In the end they let me have a vegetarian diet. But they still kept mentioning it every time they saw me. They said that I can't eat enough calories if I don't eat meat. But I could. I have always eaten, and still do, very volumous food. The food used to be very low calorie. I used oil free sauces, low calorie mayo, made porridge with water and so on. Now I have changed it up, I have added more fat to my meals, for example I add nuts and seeds to my porridge which I make with proper milk now. I also fry things in oil, adding butter to my bread is no problem and I often have avocados. I am still a fan of yoghurts and cottage cheese.

A choice about not eating meat, I did long before I got sick. And I haven't had any since. And as everything shows - I am gaining weight, my health is in check, so you can life meat-free very well. I think it is wrong to make people eat meat if they don't want to. It is a choice everyone should be able to make themselves. Also with this forcing thing, meal time can become realle stressful, especially in people with eating disorders. You will be scared of food etc. I think if I started eating meat at the hospital, I would have become to hate food a lot more and I would have become a lot more scared than I was. I wouldn't be able to think about food in a positive light and it would have made me really anxious as well.

Yes, there are people who use veganism as a cover up, a way not to eat something, eat less, restrict, give up food during events etc. I am not saying there aren't! But at the same time if you are keto or paleo or something, it is possible that you also restrict. Or if you are gluten free, dairy free etc, especially if you don't really have a medical condition. So saying veganism = eating disorder... this is wrong. There are a lot of people who have found food freadom and healed thanks to veganism. :)

Yes, in general your portions are bigger, you need to take some vitamins and follow nutrition recommendations, but I don't think it is right to say that veganism causes eating disorders. Veganism is more than just a diet. Some people find it difficult to understand.

Of course you should think about something called orthorexia, which brings super healthy eating and I feel like a lot of vegans are going down this road. But there are more orthorexics, for example people who always have plain chicken, rice and broccoli or something. Or an omelette made with egg whites only (I have tried it, it is disgusting). So yeah, you can't place = between these things.

I got really upset while watching this post, I didn't even know I have so much passion in me, haha :D. But yeah, I really relate to this topic.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist and psychologist, then the doctor started asking me if I am ALREADY eating meat and why not. Even though he sees my weight is going up, I look better and feel better.

At the same time meeting my psychologist it was really nice - I saw her for the first time and she admitted that she also doesn't eat meat. I felt so relieved and it was super nice - finalyl a person who will help me to deal with the problems, instead of convincing me to eat meat half of the time.

I am not saying I won't eat meat for the rest of my life. It could easily happen. Tomorrow. In ten or twenty years. I don't want to say that. But currently I don't see my way changing - I just don't feel like eating meat. When I walk past meat products in the stores and see chicken salad for ecample, it could easily say "salad with plastic pieces and mayo", because chicken just feels so wrong, like something that doesn't go into food.

I have also started making a lot more food myself thanks to giving up meat. I have made so many patties, stews, salads, soups and more. I really love it. It is relaxing and nice and interesting and it is especially awesome if I get to prepare food for someone else. And I don't feel like eating out is a problem any longer. Or ordering in. It is balance, it is normality, it is something I have been wanting to achieve for so long and now I am finally there.

I get really excited when I see a new vegan product in the market, I am ready to travel through Tallinn for it. I love trying new things, testing, making stuff that I haven't before. It is so interesting. At the same time with my healing, I have finally been able to shift my focus from food. Okay, maybe I still think about eating more than a regular person, but I am finally able to focus on other things and I am not deaming of eating all the time.

And with vegetarian or vegan foods I have totally felt this freeing emotion. If there is a vegan place and I order food, I don't get these weird guilt feelings, I just enjoy it, eat it and be done with it. And I know it is neccessary for me and I really do love it. I don't get weirly bloated or anxious.

It is easy living as a vegan or vegetarian. You sometimes just need to be prepared, for example offer making somethińg for an event etc. It always works for me and my relatives and friends are mor happy to try out my stuff. So - vegan food is really good! :)

In the article they also told about how to recognize a person with an eating disorder. And what to do. I think I have written about it earlier, but I thought of adding some things that they didn't mention:

- the person will always ask what you have eaten, what time you ate, how much you ate; they don't want to eat if you are not eating, they take seconds only if you are, they skip dessert if someone else skips it as well

- they prefer eating at a certain time in a certain place, doing certain things; for example watching tv, being in the computer, on the phone etc; and they generally don't want people to talk while they are eating - the focus has to be on food

- they never eat something just passing by, like when coming home from the store: they don't open up a chocolate or eat an ice cream, they wait until they are at home, in their safe space

- they always move after eating, going for a walk or a workout, just move around at home

There are many more things, but yes. In the article they also said that these symptoms do not occurr always and I repeat - it doesn't make you less sick if you don't have these habits. This is just what I have felt like and what others with eating disorders have told me.

Anyway, now about all the vegan products I tried in April:

Granarolo metspähklijook (Granarolo hazelnut milk)

In theory I liked it more than I did actually, but it was fine. Coffee is too... sour and it makes the milk curd a little, but not too much. Having it plain was nice, so I think it would also be good with muesli or cereal. Not my favourite, but still okay. 6/10.

Laky kartulikotlet hapukapsaga (Laky potato patty with sauerkraut)

These have always been my favourites, but they are just in one store only. Once I got them from another place to try and it was love at first taste. These are the best potato cutlets and they are so well seasoned. If I had to pick a favourite, it would definitely be this. 9/10.

Marta Pagari bataadi-suvikõrvitsa kotletid (Marta Pagar sweet potato-zucchini cutlets)

These were also really good. Hadn't tried them before. I really wanted sweet potatoes, but I was also in the mood for zucchini so this was a perfect combo. Well seasoned and nice. It was really good with ketchup and mayo, even thought they didn't even really need a sauce. Juicy and soft, I loved them. 8,5/10.

Marianne kommid (Marianne candies)

These were in the Rohebox (vegan subscription box) and I got really addicted. Honestly, one of the best candies I have had. I in general like mint and chocolate together, but not when it is very strong. For example I am not a fan of After Eight at all. But these were really goof! Honestly, on one day I had the whole bag, because I couldn't stop myself. But other than that I have had a handful several times a day. 8/10, I am not a candy person in general, but these are just so good. :D I am surprised myself.

VegePlus Emmentali juust (VegePlus Emmental cheese)

Firstly I tried this on pasta and it was sooooo good. My sister also tasted it and said it tastes like regular cheese. Then she added that there is some other flavour as well, but she couldn't say what it was and she liked it. So this was a success. :D VegePlus doesn't melt AS good, but the taste makes up for it. Maybe I would have had to keep it in the oven a bit longer, but I don't know, it just isn't as "cheesy" in look. :D It is really soft and silky, even though it is in one piece. Anyway, one of my new favourite vegan cheeses. Chilli one is even better, but this is super nice as well! 9/10.

Soja hakk-kotlet (Soya cutlet)

I broke these up and added them to cabbage stew instead of mince and it was perfect. It really made my sister and dad confused. It is very versatily product, so I think we could make something nice out of it. I will definitely be trying more soya products in the future, I always rediscover how nice they are! 10/10-

Alpro šokolaadimaitseline sojajook (Alpso soya chocolate milk)

I have had it before, but I know I haven't reviewed it. Anyway, I got it because I wanted to make coffee with it, which I did. And it was so so good! I was studying and having chocolate coffee with my work was perfect. Also I was like, yeah I can make two coffies, but I just drank the rest as it was. :D I used to buy this for my best friend's kid when he was smaller and he really liked it. 9/10. It ended up with me buying the big carton of it, because it is just so so good. I don't even care how many calories it has.

Alpro šokolaadimaitseline kookosjook (Alpro coconut chocolate milk)

I am a fan of cocnut things, so it is no surprise I got this. At a certain point I was really obsessed with making cocoa out of it! But I think the soya one is even better. Which is surprising, as I don't like just plain soya milk. :D But yeah, added this to my coffee and always took some sips on the side as well. :D 8/10.

Before I talk about today's topic, I wanted to say that I tried a poke bowl with vegan salmon, made out of carrots and... it was a huge disappointment. It was far from "salmon", the sauce wasn't my favourite and despite taking a big bowl, I didn't really get full...

My sister and her friend ordered pizza (and were super happy about it) and the whole night I regretted not having pizza as well. :D At least me and my friend made a plan to have a pizza night to get this fix of pizza that I need.

Other than that it was fun, we also tried LaMuu salted caramel ice cream and talked. This food aspect got to me really bad, because I felt like I wasted calories?! I don't know. I have a feeling that I have food addiction, I always have to snack on something, or I can't feel at peace. Today my weight... oh boy, my eyesight got all black when I checked. I will write more about it towards the end of the post...

But about vegan cheese.

I just got a huge box of vegan cheese and I thought about sharing three recipes I tried with it. :D

I won't write about them in the order I made them, because firstly I wanted to tell you about my favourite! Some time ago I bought myself a waffl maker and I have tried it a few times, but not recently. So I finally decided to make savoury waffles.

To make these, I mixed 1 dl of flour, about 3/4 dl of vegan oatmilk, a spoonful of chia seeds, half a spoon of baking powder, some sundried tomatoes and vegan cheese. I flavoured it with salt, pepper, basil and parsley.

I let it stand a little and during this time I fried some asian vegetables with some mushrooms, added salt, paprica and garlic. Then I let it sit on the frying pan while I made the waffles. Usually it comes to 4 waffles, but this time it was six, haha, but I am not complaining, as it was... AMAZING. I think it was better than sweet waffles!!!!

I topped it with sriracha-garlic sauce and vegan mayo. And honestly, I haven't had something so good in a long time. It was just perfect, I can't even explain. :D I really recommend trying making savoury waffles! I can imagine them being good with chickpea flour as well, but I still haven't bought any.

Anyway yes, niceeeeee. I am just really excited, as you can tell. :D I just finished eating and had to blog about it right away. They were also super easy to make! And it proves that you don't need to use animal products, like, at all. I even sent my mum a picture of them and she is not a fan of waffles, but she said they do look good and she would like to try them. :D She is coming to Tallinn next weekend, so maybe I will make them to her and my sister... we shall see what our plans are. I also thought about making some for my birthday? Even though I don't know, the waffles get soggy quite fast. I need to think about it more. If you have good vegan pary food ideas, let me know. Last time I made pizza, but I would like to make something different this time around. I have some ideas, but there could always be more.

Next I made oven baked pasta, which used mushrooms, bell pepper, onion and pasta. I poured some oatcream over it, to make it nice and creamy. And of course added salt and pepper plus some garlic powder, because it makes the dish. I made it all in a pot and when it was ready, I poured it into oven proof mould and shredded some cheese on top. Then let it do it's thing in the oven for 15 minutes. It didn't seem enough though, so when I served it, I added some more cheese on top. :D

Really simple, but really tasty! I used vegan Emmental cheese and it was really good. I would definitely get it again. We also tried it plain and my sister said that it tastes like normal cheese, so it was a success.

And I finally could try my oven baked pasta, but... if I am honest, I like normal pasta more. XD Like this baking in the oven didn't really add anything to it. Mayvbe it would be better with tomato based sauce? Anyway, it was nice and me and my sister watched some Brooklyn 99 after a long time, and had some cake. All in all it was a really nice evening.

Thirdly and lastly I wanted to make some mac and cheese, but it was kind of different. :D But I LOVED it.

I put some pasta and cauliflower in a pot and let it boil, seasoning it with salt. Then I poured the water out, added about 150 grams of vegan cheese, salt, pepper, garlic powder and paprica powder. Cauliflower was really soft and mushy and made a sauce with the cheese and it tasted so good.

With it, I had about 500 grams of cherry tomatoes, and perfect meal was ready. Really fast as well! :D And every time I have pasta I rediscover how much I like it. Can't wait to repeat this recipe, haha. :D Even though I would still like to try this American mac and cheese food, but I was pleased with my concoction as well.

Anyway yes, cheese is good and I highly recommend VegePlus vegan cheese. It is really tasty and honestly seems like the real thing. :D I still have one chilli one and one regular one left and I will definitely be making the waffles again.

I am sorry this post hasn't been as interesting, but I wanted to share some simpler things and I really wanted to write about this vegan cheese, as I got it as a gift from the company. :D

Next week will be really challenging, it is difficult to deal with the weight gain and I have some intense guilt, so it is kind of sucky with my ED currently. I know that there are a lot of events coming that have food and drinks, then mum comes, then there is Mother's day when we should got to Viljandi and then my birthday and so on. I want to get back into my old rhtym.

It is kind of nice, because every month I write a goal to my bullet journal to be more social, but eating disorder and weight gain really upset me.

Like, I don't have a thigh gap anymore. My feet rub together. It is really strange. Jeans are too tight. Argh, it is difficult to deal with this. And I am just at the lower end of healthy weight?! And I need to gain more to get my period back and get my hormones functioning normally?! How in the world?!

Also I eat a lot and a lot and I am still so tired all the time. My friend suggested taking bloot tests to see if I have too little of something in my blood, I will think more about it. I have seen my doctor once two years ago, so I don't really know how to contact her, haha... :D But yeah, I need to do something, because I am so low on energy.

For the next five days I am trying to do another challenge, but I don't know if it should be called that. It kind of does motivate me though, so this is good and I will write about it soon. And then I have another food related thing planned, so I am motivated about blogging at least. :D Sometimes getting my emotions out here really helps.

I got myself new headphones so I could listen to audiobooks. I started Harry Potter: A History of Magic and gosh, I have so many emotions. :D I am not fond of Rowling, but this world still means a lot to me.

I am also thinking about joining Scribd page to get more audiobooks, but I don't know... do you know any free sites for audiobooks? There is a page in Estonian library for it, but the selection is quite tiny there and I want more options. Let me know if you have any recommendations. :D Anyway, I think I will walk home today after work, so I could listen some. Though it is snowing a little and the weather is quite cold, so I am not sure.

This weekend passed super fast and usually they tend to drag. Maybe it is because I have such a hard time at work currently, I am really confused and tired and then life was like hehhehehe let's make this weekend past fast so she would have to go back to work asap.

Thanks, life.