I am done / a completely useless post

1:00:00 AM

I explained to my friend the other day that I am done. I am done with this illness. I have had these kind of moments before as well, but it hit me extra hard on this day. I am so done. I felt so motivated and told her a lot about my thoughts and I thought I will write down some things here as well.

I have been talking about my eating disorder forever and forever and I am finally too tired of it. I don't want to keep repeating how difficult it is and how many guilty feelings I have and how hard it is to eat and getting out of my routine and soooooo on. Yes, it is very difficult. I know I am at the very beginning of this journey, because well, I am. I haven't been able to break through myself. Maybe it would have been different if I stayed at the hospital for longer. Maybe I would have gotten better sooner. Maybe I would be a success story already and tell all the positive things. Maybe.

My weight has gone up compared to yesterday, and now a few hundred grams, but a whole half oa kilo. And this number scared me at first and I got these thoughts of needing to restrict again and so on. And then I was like, why. I should be happy that this has happened. I am so done with worrying over this number. I am so done. What does this number actually show? Like, I don't know. And now it is another day and the number has been the same, meaning I have really gained weight. Okay, it is bothering me, but I can't be without weighing myself either. But at least now I feel like I can handle the bigger number. I have also discovered recently that my brain is functioning better, my thoughts are not all over the place and I can focus better. At work people have told me that I seem to be more alive and happer and some of my cases have gotten positive feedback from the boss. This overweights the number on the scale. I feel more energetic.

At the same time sometimes, like yesterday, I am so tired. Somehow it seems that the more I eat, the more tired I am. I don't know if it makes sense. Maybe it is that my body is finally working on healing itself and for that it needs rest. I have heard about this from other ill people. That before things get better, there is a period of being tired and you just need to push through. I guess it may be true.

The same friend I talked to, gave me a good read here and there are some things that made me think. It is a story about someone dealing with an eating disorder and it has been devided into chapters by questions. It is a good read, if you want to know more about eating disorders.

Anyway, what works for me is that if I eat properly one day, then it is easier to do the same on the next. If I eat less, then I immediately have this "but yesterday I ate less, meaning I should eat even less today". Weird, but it has been coded into my brain so heavily.

What else... I have thought that maybe I would like to learn nutrition. Be useful, help others. But what kind of food coach would I be if I looked like this? Who would trust me? I need to look normal for people to have anu faith in me.

I want to be inspiring, couraging, successful. I want to show that getting better is possible and it can be done on your own and that things will get better as a result. I want... to share my success story. I have discussed this with many of my friends - there is no point in blogging, if nothing changes.

So yes, I hope my weight won't drop back down. And it didn't, at least not for now! This gain was bigger than I expected, but it is better to go through it right now, instead of dropping a few hundred grams and then feel better and then feel shitty again after another gain. If there is wight gain to happen, it should happen right away. I am tired of just being, stressing out, feeling guilty and soooo on. So I still had big breakfast, I picked some chocolates to take with me to work and I just think: whatever. I will live on. And if I really don't like myself as a bigger person or when I get really angry at myself or, I don't know, I get fat, I can lose some weight again. :D I have shown that I can do this. But at the same time I think losing weight would be really difficult, because I really like my snacks and meals. :D I couldn't give up rice crackers, chocolates, yoghurts, kohuke again... So I think I will keep this up. This is a good habit.

Now I am going to my parents' place for the weekend and I try to pause my eating disorder once more. I told it that well, until the end of the month I don't want to deal with you. And if you want toe be more present, then at least not until 27th when I have the next doctor's appointment. I am kind of excited to show them my progress! Finally they will believe that I can handle it and that I am taking steps towards recovery.

Made some bread to take with me. It kind of exploded a little. I used more liquid dough this time and it seems that the result is a lot better. If I taste it, I can say more, but it seems softer and fluffier.

I also decided I will bake a cake at my parents'. I picked one curd cream-apple cake. My mum said that apples are starting to be ripe and this seems like a great idea. Also, I want to bake more. Me and sister don't eat that much baked goods, but I want to try and make a lot of different things! I can bake for work at least. :D I don't think there is a person who wouldn't like some cake.

Got a lot of vegetables from my sister's friend - tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchinis, bell peppers. These zucchinis are HUGE, but I am already excited to cook with them. I looked up so many cool recipes to try. Next week I want to make zucchini-mushrooms stew, salad, zucchini burgers, zucchini-tomato bake, grilled and baked zucchini... :D I have a lot of ideas. So at one point I will post some recipes I think, it I wrote this down for future blog post ideas.

How is it going with walking? Very well. Sometimes I get these thoughts that I should walk more, especially when I don't have anything to do, but I have been stopping myself. I have used more public transport and tried not to feel guilty over it. And honestly, if you start moving less, it becomes easier. Like the first time I walked 10 000 steps instead of 20 000 I felt really shitty, but it has become easier now. And so on. And now for some days I have walked less than 10k. And I am so done with stressing over it.

Walking is nice, I really like to listen to a podcast and then walk somewhere, but I can do this when I, for example, design my bullet journal or something. I don't know, I am not really into listening to music these days (unless I drink some wine at home :D). I also did apply to be press at Tallinn Music Week though, I was a press a few years ago and it was really cool experience!

I also thought about shopping a lot and what I have discovered. I have this... general panic that I will run out of things. Even if I have a lot of something, for example mayo or ketchup or fresh veggies, I still think that I need to buy more, stock up... this is so weird. But at the same time it makes sense as my brain is in survival mode, it gets only little food and it keeps thinking that I need to make sure there is enough of everything. And then I buy like a kilo of tomatoes and they just sit in my fridge. :D Of course it is nice to have enough things, but it sometimes annoys me. For example when I plan foods for an entire week, because if I don't I am really stressed. And the next days, even when I have evetything, I STILL go to the store and stock up on something. That is why I have a lot of stock and snacks - chocolates, waffers, peanuts, chips and so on. I just buy everything, even though I don't use the tings fast. I want to break free from it.

I really like going to food stores in general. It is nice and it is cool to discover new things and enjoy food and I love that I like cooking, but yes. I think it is a bit too obsessive.

Anyway, I will definitely make a post about zucchini foods. And there are some other topics I want to write about. I have some ideas, I just need to fulfil them.

On Monday me and my sister will go to this 100% vegan cafe, which I have been wanting to visit for a while now. Exciting. The only thing is that I can't decide on what I want to have, there are so many options but at the same time they seem so calorific. :D 

Anyway, yes. This is a completely pointless, emotional post.

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