I Won't Quote

If you figure that out, let me know. It is sooo difficult to write this post, because I have no idea what I want to say. Just - I am soooo tired.

Of this corona thing. Sitting at home. Of work. Boredom. Lack of motivation. Pointlessness. Weight. Food. Thoughts. Life. Of everything.

I honestly thought that this thing would be over by now, but haahaaa yea right. I thought I am introvert enough to handle the situation, but right now I am begging you - please give me a real life person to talk to from face to face. At least it has been nice going to work, can see people occasionally. Though for the last few days I have been here alone as well...

But during the weekend I watched TWO! movies. Me! Yes, I didn't watch all of them in one go, but it was still a huge accomplishment. I will write more about them towards the end of this post.

Other than that, things have been... difficult. Weight is going up, this is scary. I have reached a new first number. Now only 4 more kilos to go and I am at the normal weight range. Sounds unreal.

Yesterday I went through some pictures, because I wanted to get some printed out in order to put them into my scrap book, and... I don't know, I felt two things at once. On one end, I felt sad, because I really looked horrible. It was weird to watch the pictures. But comparing myself then and now, I feel fat. Yep.

But like... who am I thin for anyway? What is the use of being underweight? I still don't get my period, which is a huge sign that my health is not okay, I would like to get them back, thank you. :D Yep, I WANT to! :D I have even dreamed about them starting again. xD Okay, this is probably too much information, but whatever. Considering what I have written here, this is definitely the worst thing, haha.

My best friend was offended over the fact that I don't mention her a lot, so here is a shoutout. She was actually the one who made me want to go to the office and pay more attention to how I look. Maybe tomorrow I even PUT MASCARA ON! :D I don't feel like doing other make up, because it is pointless when you are wearing a mask, but I think it would be a nice boost. To feel better. I now understand people who do make up simply for themselves. I have always thought it is something you do for others, but it is not like that at all.

On Saturday I went for a walk with a friend and her daughter and it was so nice. Could finally talk to another adult, it was amazing. What I also discovered was the fact that I didn't think about food at all. In general recently I have thought about it less. Well, sometimes I still get an odd thought about what to have for lunch or dinner and oh I should eat something, but I am not constantly thinking about food. Like I managed to pay attention to the movies I watched and didn't need to eat something at the same time. Also I have paid more attention to if I am actually hungry vs I just want something to snack on. Most of the time I just want something, but I am physically full. I just like the act of eating? Maybe it makes no sense, but yeah. Anyway, I like eating so much that I won't fall back into my ED. I could never give up food again. :D Anyway, I feel like I am close to becoming just Signe, instead of a Signe with an eating disorder. :)

Haven't seen my sister in a while, because she is super busy, but I would like to see her. I am still thinking about ordering takeaway, but I want to do it with someone. We shall see if I am successful. Like there is another pizza place near me I would like to try, and they have several vegan options. And I think it is important to support food places during this time when everything is closed.

Maybe tomorrow I will try and watch another movie. There is Fat Front in Huum TV, which people have recommended to me. Also, I will look forward to your suggestions.

I really wanted to do another 24 h challenge before posting today, but I didn't manage to. No good ideas. I should really look up some inspiration and do something by Friday, as this is the main thing with my blog. Challenges. I will try and come up with something today. Oh, I got a thought but... I need to think more about it. :D I need something that can be done during the day as well.

I did think about trying some Tiktok hacks, for example this feta pasta or something, but I don't knooow. I don't really have any idea about Tiktok. Also yesterday I wanted to make baked oatmeal, but my pan is too big for it. I shall see if I can come up with something and if not, there is the final episode of Expensive calories coming out on Wednesday. :D I can always review that.

Planted some things! This picture is about a week old, currently they are two times as big. So exciting. I need to come up with a way to put them onto balcony though. But the window sills there are too narrow, so post of the pots don't fit... Also at the moment it is still too cold to put them there anyway. I will come up with something for sure.

This is something similar to Romaine, seems exciting. I also planted some red leaf beetroot, which I thought will not start growing, but now it has! Now I just need to remember to water them occasionally.

I wish the snow melted already, it is so muddy outside and it is making me depressed. It was such a nice weather a few weeks ago, I want it back!

I have worked out at home properly, though my exercises last only about 20-25 minutes still. But currently I believe it is enough. My muscles aren't sore anymore, or maybe just a little. I have added some exercises as well. For example if I used to do 10 squars, then now I am doing 15 and so on. It feels nice. And it seems to be working.

Anyway, here are the two movies I watched:

First one was Holidate, original by Netflix. And it was really nice and chill to watch. I didn't even feel like starting a movie, I just saw what was out there and it seemed interesting. So I played it. It was nice to forget about life for a couple of hours and just mindlessly watch this. :D I also thought that myabe I would need a holidate as well, haha :D. Anyway, yes, I recommend it. 7,5/10.

I also finally watched To All The Boys Always and Forever meaning the third film in the series. And it was sooo cute. :D I don't like the part in movies where everything goes to shit, but this was easier than I expected. :D Even though I did write to my best friend saying that I can't continue watching without knowing what is going to happen. :D I really wanted to skip to the end. But I didn't do it. 8/10, really nice young people movie and it made me miss high school.

Rice appears and disappears in my list of fear foods. On some days I am scared of it, on some days I am not. It depends on a day and what I have had on that day. At one point it remained in my list of fear foods... For example I have made some stew and had it with rice. And then on some days I have just had the stew by itself. And then automatically I get this thought that "oh, I didn't add rice, I shouldn't add it next time either".  This happens a lot with eating disorders - if you make food one way then next time it is difficult to change this behavior. All the time you are comparing food and making up these stupid rules.

But I like rice, and a lot. All kinds of sushis and curries with rice and vegetables are probably one of my favourite foods. So finally I decided to make some Japanese curry and with this, rice is a must.



Luckily I have a sister who keeps repeating that it is okay and I am allowed to eat. :D  Funny that I need a permission from someone else to eat something. Logically I understand that I can eat and be and do what I want, but it feels good if someone confirms it. I think this is really stupid, but it is what it is. At the same time I feel like there is less of it now than it used to be; even though I still get overwhelmed with guilt, I get over it faster. I can fight with these emotions better myself now. And I think this is a big plus.

What is also weird, is the fact that currently rice is not in my fear foods list, but I can't have it several days in a row. Not even because I would get bored of it, I just feel like... I had it and now I am supposed to eat something else. :D Maybe I SHOULD have rice indeed for the several days in a row to get over it? God, I have used the word "rice" so many times writing this post that it doesn't even seem like a word anymore.

Anyway, it is super easy to make Japanese curry. You just pick whatever you like (for example chicken and veggies), cut them up, fry them up a little, add some water and curry cubes. I used only vegetables of course - carrots, potatoes and onions. This is also very good. Most of the taste you get from the curry cubes. I am glad I stocked up on curry in Japan. :D



To have with the curry, I made some sushi rice and it was a perfect dinner. One of the best Japanese curries that I have made - most of the time it has been too bland, but this time I used 2 cubes instead of one, even though I accidentally saw the calories for one... Anyway, my sister really liked the food too, so soon we shall make it again. I need to buy some vegetables but other than that I have everything ready at home.

It is quite fast to make this food, it only took about 20 minutes and it was ready.

Also I have been meaning to ask - is it okay that I post so often? Or should I start doing it again only on Mondays and Fridays? :D At the moment I have things to write about, but soon I am running out of ideas I am afraid. I have been writing more to fight the boredom of social isolation. I have started a couple of challenges, but making them takes a little more time.

I am afraid we have to remain at home for a long period. I am sad for my sister, she is a math teacher and it is quite difficult to teach this subject via e-mails and online...

I would gladly go back to the office. I feel like I am more productive there and can focus more. It is not like at home where I get distracted a lot, where I don't have a proper chair and desk... I just keep thinking of the most random things.

We shall see what will happen.

This topic has been covered by milion and one bloggers, but I wanted to be popular too and discuss the options a little. Options that aren't dying of boredom, that is. I will try to make a list of the things and check it out myself whenever I don't know what to do any more.

• reading

I have a ton of books at home that I haven't even touched, but at the moment I am using Estonia's e-library, which is really cool. I am currently reading "Bad Wolf" by Nele Neuhaus and I absolutely love this criminal story.

But if you don't like reading online on your phone or computer, you can still go and visit a library (I think these still work). Also you can order online from some of the bookstores in Estonia.

If you are not interested in books, you are more than welcome to read magazines. For Estonian, I recommend vegan magazine, which is also available FOR FREE online. There are a lot more magazines that you will probably like, too!

Which I don't recommend to do, is reading news. Yes, of course you should keep an eye on what is happening, but don't spend a day constantly scrolling news. I find it cuses stress and being really upset.

What have you been reading recently, do you have any recommendations?

• Cooking

Having a home office it gives me an opportunity to cook fresh meals for lunch, which I really like.



Also in addition I decided to make kimchi and I also baked bread. I have also planned out meals for the next week and I have bought everything I need. For example last night we made some Japanese curry and today we are making buckwheat. Then tomorrow we will make kimchi fried rice, where we also add a fried egg on top. Then on Thursday I am making groud and potato mash with onion and on Friday we will make sweet potato boats filled with chilli.

I really like having these kind of proper plans, it makes me feel more normal and I don't have to think about what to make.

I also saw Estonian bread company posting how to make a started for bread on Facebook and I thought that maybe this can be my next project.

When was the last time you made something new? Do you have any recipe recommendations? And when was the last time you baked something? I really feel like baking. :D

• watching youtube

I find that I cannot focus enough to watch a movie or series (even though this is also something you can do in isolation). I really like watching just youtube. I usually watch different vlogs and DIYs etc, it is a good way to distract yourself from the crisis situation.

You watch youtube sometimes? What do you like to watch? I need some new channels to watch! :D

• learning a language

I haven't done much of it, but in Japan I promised that I will try and remember Japanese. I used to take classes in it for a year in university. I understand some bits, but not enough to have a conversation.

In English it is good to learn it via Duolingo. I have studied Norwegian on there, and I managed to learn quite a bit. I really like that they teach you every day things, not like... poems, like we had to learn in Russian classes at school.

There are a lot more pages where you can do some studying, but I highly recommend this. It is simple, cute and easy. Besides there are a lot of different languages to pick from.

Which language would you like to study? Have you ever learned a language by yourself? I find that studying it in a group is much easier, but this will do.

• cleaning

I know, I know. Who cleans voluntarily? But it feels so good after! We have one room flat and most of my day I spend in the kitchen that is kind of like my office. And after work I am in the bedroom. I really like keeping the kitchen clean, it helps me to focus better and it is nice to make dinner when there aren't like dirty dishes in the sink or something.

I really should look over my clothes and sort them a bit. As this isolation seems to still be going on for a while, I think I will do it at one point. :D I always start to clean when I don't want to do anything else. Anyone else? :D

• going for a walk

Most of the time you should stay home! And not go to shopping centers or other public places. I still think some walking is a nice thing to do. Especially if you can go to a place where there aren't many people around.

I have been going out on some days and only met people with dogs or small kids. There aren't too many people around here, so I feel quite safe. I don't even go to foodstores and try to make one trip a week to there.

• journaling

Or writing this blog. :D I think this is a really nice thing to do with your time. Just start writing. Besides you can later look back to this and think that wow, 2020 was crazy with the isolation and the situation in the world.  You can even tell it to your grandchildren...

I also have a scrapbook that I occasionally fill with stickers and photos and it is really nice and relaxing thing to do. Currently I am adding reciepts from Japan into it. :D Maybe I will take some pictures of it at one point and post here too.

Have you ever had a journal or diary? Or a blog? If you are reading blogs, feel free to also recommend me some!

• solving puzzles

Here you can add a lot of things. For example playing some games or solving jigsaws or sudokus. I have a wave of sudoku obsession at the moment. And then at one point I get bored of them and don't solve them for months. :D But currently I am into them. I even bought 3 different sudoku books, thinking I may get bored of one. :D

There are also word puzzles you can solve, but these I don't really like. But if you do, it is a good way to even learn something.

Which one do you prefer? Sudokus or puzzles?

I could write down milion other things. For example watching series and movies, writing a letter, online shopping, drawing, making art, watching TV, playing table games, writing your original story, singing, practicing an instrument, having a video chat with friends, doing yoga, working out at home, listening to a podcast or audio book... and so on and so on.