I Won't Quote

We also have those. People have their own worries and joy and they deal with them as well as they can. Some people have more troubles, some less. Just a few days ago I wrote down physical troubles connected to anorexia, now I wanted to write about mental troubles as well.

I want to highlight that I am seeing change in those already, and the ones in my list are the ones that I have personally dealt with. It is logical that no one lives the same life as I do, so maybe some other people don't have similar troubles. Maybe something is the same, but not all of it.

1. Depression

I have taken antidepressants since I finished high school, at first my family doctor prescribed them and then later my psychiatrist. I hope to get rid of the meds in the future, but at the moment I am really depending on them.

Also dealing with depression is connected to anorexia. All psychologists who I have seen have said that we cannot deal with the mental troubles before my weight has gone up, because my brain just doesn't have enough energy to deal wirh it. I understand that, because at the periods where I have been higher weight, there are kind of more room in my head to think. So I guess the doctors actually know what they are talking about. :D

2. Thinking is slow

I myself wouldn't have noticed it, but others have brought that out. For example my fried said that I always seem to repeat myself, as if I don't pay attention to what I have been saying. And I forget things people tell me.

Since this I have thought a bit over it and came to a realisation that this is true, my thinking is slow and it is difficult to think in general. For example I miss the point in meetings at work and also it is difficult to solve sudokus, even though I was really good at it.

This is again connected to the fact that all of the energy in my body is being used to keeping me alive and there is no energy left for thinking. And yeah, after having food or a snack thinking seems to go better.

3. Constantly thinking about food

In some aspects it is not all bad. Yes, I have been thinking that I live from one meal to other, after breakfast I start to think of lunch and so on. But I also check out a lot of recipes and read food related articles.

It is not that bad though, because I have found so many new things to cook and try. But I think overall I think about food too much and I have noticed that when I am comfortably full, I feel better and don't think about it as much. I especially noticed it in Japan - I didn't think of food and I had more space in my head for other things. I could focus better and do stuff that I actually enjoyed.

But I still believe this is not all bad. I like cookind and I think it is relaxing and also one quality trait!

4. I am easily irritated

Or generally feeling really moody. It is literally being "hangry" - angry and hungry at the same time.

I know that I may snap at people, like my sister. Why is the flat so messy, why hasn't she done the dishes and so on. But when I have had some food, I can think logically and say these things calmly and better.

5. Mu mood depends on my weight

This is absurd. But it is stille a factor. Whenever my weight has gone up - even if by 100 grams - my mood is awful. When it goes down or remains the same, I am fine.

For example today I gained 400 grams compared to yesterday and my first thought was that now I have to restrict my eating, even though I already planned everything... but no, I am not going to do that. I decided to stick with the plan today and face these stupid thoughts. We shall see what happens. Probably NOTHING will happen. Food is just food and I need to gain weight so this is a good thing!

If my weight also goes up tomorrow, I will still feel shit, but it is necessary. As I mentioned before, now this is easier to deal with. At the hospital I would have thought about it for the rest of the day, but now I am just thinking about it for a little while and then probably forget it. For real, I usually forget my weight during the day. :D

6. Compulsive moving

I don't know if it should go here or is it a physical trouble. But it is trouble nevertheless. I am addicted to moving around. I can't just sit down and do nothing. And I don't know if this is my eating disorder, depression or something else.

Walking is like a meditation for me, it helps me calm down when things are rough and it leaves me some room to think. But at the same time I know that on some days I go out just because I need to move and burn calories.

At the hospital this was one of the most difficult things to deal with - I was not allowed to go outside, or if I was, I had to be in a wheelchair. It was difficult to get used to this routine for TWO MONTHS. I was not allowed to move at all.

I am really looking forward to being able to run again... and for running itself, not for burning calories. I know this time will come. Sooner or later it will.



I met our local cat when walking around. He has a collar and his name is apparently Cookie.

I don't know if I left some things unmentioned, I bet I will remember when I have already posted. :D We shall see. If I forgot something, I can always make a new post.

I am obsessed with weighing myself. For a long time, my mood has depended on it. Also my breakfast has depended on it (for example if I let myself add some peanut putter to my morning porridge, or is full banana okay - maybe only half is allowed). And it is still like this; so I don't know - should I step on the scale or not then?!

At the hospital they tried to weigh me so I wouldn't see (I usually still managed to peek) and it was more difficult but also easier. When I didn't see. I still wondered what the number was, but at the same time it did not make me happy or sad - I wasn't dependent on the number any longer.

I saw my doctor on Thursday. He was not at all happy with me and said he will check when eating disorder facility in another town, Tartu, has a free spot. Because he feels that I cannot handle it by myself. I also feel like this, to be completely honest. All food related stuff has gotten a lot worse since I got back from the hospital.

But at the same time I am going to change my job, so I cannot just give away a few weeks of my life. Again. This is literally once in a lifetime opportunity and I look forward to it. I told my doctor to please, please give me one more chance, one more week to change my weight 180 degrees and make it rise at least a bit. Until now it has not happened. I will see him again this week, so maybe I will figure some stuff out then. They cannot force me to go to hospital, but he says that is is already an "existential question", meaning  "come on, Signe, your life is on the line".

This brings me to scale. To weigh myself or not? For the first time for a couple of days I have been thinking that maybe I shouldn't. But the time is passing fast (seeing my doctor again soon), and this sort of makes it necessary. Because if I don't, I automatically assume I eat too much and then keep eating less and less....

My psychologist at the hospital advised 2 times per week, for example on Monday and Thursday. Which made sense. But at the same time I am still too nervous and cannot handle this.

I want to run already. So much. Tried to tell my sister to let me, because I said that then I will of course eat more, but she did not agree. I guess I understand it myself that... It can't really go like this. Because I need to eat MORE already now, if I spend even more energy, I need to eat even more and it would be difficult. But I would mentally feel better. If I could move. I know I would have more apetite. I would be ok with gaining weight then.

And now I don't understand if this is my own idea or this is my eating disorder that tries to talk. Argh. I wish I had a psychologist already, but at  the moment they are not setting this up for me, because as I weight so little, it makes no sense. My brain has no energy to heal me from depression.

If anyone can, would you read how many times I have used the words "scale" and "weight" in this post? They don't even seem normal words anymore.

Unknowing something kills me. And this post is pointless. I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts. For some reason I haven't found much information about eating disorders in Estonian. I did read one book at the hospital, but it was translated from Finnish.

Well, there is this one Estonian book where a girl writes about her experience at Tartu eating disorder treatment facility, which I also read already. But other than that there seems to be nothing.

I am annoyed.

Actually I am mos annoyed at myself.

How I feel when I am eating?

Good, because food is delicious and I like it?

Good, because I am a rather good cook?

Normal, it is just a simple part of life?

Normal, I don't really think about it?

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Eating for me is almost sacred experience. It is as if I was afraid of food. It feels as if I have to justify every bite, both to myself and others. It is as if I do not have a permission to eat. There is so much guilt that comes with eating and it is torturing me. Torturing so much.

Lets just say you have agreet to go to a cinema with your friend, and then later just out to a bar. You haven't seen each other in a while and this plan has been brewing for some time already. And finally it is that day! Then something happens at home. Your washing machine breaks and floods the flat. You have a really good reason why you can't go out that day. Or... well, lets say you get a stomack bug and spend your day hugging the toilet bowl. You can't move an inch from your position.

Now imagine what you are feeling when your friend says, trying not to sound too disappointed, that it is okay and there is nothing you can do, it is just life. You can meet another time. It is fine.

But is it? Guilt is brewing. You find yourself thinking why now, why this time. Why not a week later? May the stomach bug come worse, but not right now! Let the wasking machine literally blow up! You feel guilty.

This is how I feel every single time I put something in my mouth. Breakfast porridge? I eat it LITTERALLY every day, but god forbid there is a spoonful of it more than normally - guilt appears! Soup for lunch AND yoghurt? Guilt. Oi oi, is the yoghurt necessary? All of the store brang yoghurts have so much sugar in them. And all the sweeteners are bad as well. I think I should do a sugar detox. OH and someone brought candy to work? One candy? It means at least 10 minutes of walking fast. Did you know that one candy has around 50 freaking calories?

For dinner you add some mayo or ketchup? Are you mad? Guilt. It is so unhealthy. Instead you could have couple of more grapes later.

Guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. Just guilt.

Today I had a bag of BelVita cookies. 4 cookies. Were they tasty? Heck yes. I also had coffee with coconut milk with them - amazing. But did I see them like this, were they just cookies? No. 56 calories per one. 224 in whole 4. I ate all four. It means at least 12k steps, if you walk slowly. Around 10k if faster. And even then it won't really be -224 calories. Guilt.

I wish I got rido of it somehow, but instead I am here, writing it down. Sometimes writing like this helps. Writing without much thought. But the worst part? The sickest, weirdest, freakiest part? I understand how sick, weird and freaky it is. Abnormal. Food is food. Energy is energy. These cookies won't kill me. I could enjoy them, especially now when I need to gain weight.

But no. I am drowning in this guilt and cannot get rid of it. Maybe tomorrow it will be better and I will make more sense of everything. But here it is, just some thoughts of anorexic.

Please don't want or get anorexia. It is not nice.

At one point art therapy was too little, so I started to make some sketches on my own. This portrays the thing where I am doing my tea challenge, and it is one of my favourite pictures. I also recognize myself on this picture, as I felt like drained and used teabag a lot of the time.


I wouldn't maybe say I cried all the time in my mind; I would rather say that my thoughts were cloudy and dark.


This is how I felt most of the time. Later it came to my attention that my blood had too little iron, which causes shortness of breath, which I had. So depression + lack of iron = panic. I think others may recognize themselves here as well, for example one of the caretakers who always seemed super positive, said she saw herself on the picture.


I feel like I now slept to make up for all these nights I only got a few hours. And I still felt tired a lot. But for depression, sleep is just as necessary as cup of sweet tea or some lighter sedative. I still find it difficult to draw faces, I wish I was better.... I know I used to be better at it, but at the moment I don't have enough patience for it as well.


Also another just a daily picture. I think that as much as I slept I also cried. Especially at nights. And it was not a rare occasion where my roommate tried to calm me down, because I was straight up hysterical. Rain-focused drawings were very "in", and I think the one on the right shows well how depression also brings worrying and paranoia etc. And then you feel that instead of protecting yourself, you are generating worries.


Head in clouds. I feel like this was somewhat a better day. Listen to your heart as you listen to music. Catching the stars and living with your head in clouds. I wish these days were more regular visitors. I don't know if I actually was in better mood, but maybe... Somewhy I love the clouds picture. Clouds are there, but it is not raining yet.


For this I dunno what to say. Maybe "I tried to use only lines and I cannot draw hands" or "I felt trapped and only pulling my hair helped, and it was weird. It felt like there was white nothingness around me and nothing helps me to feel things thank this - t least there is physical pain and you know you exist." Take it or leave it.


I wanna be cool and deap person and say that this picture shows eating disorder well. I didn't actually think that I am affected by media, but to think about it... TV and magazines are FULL of diets. After christmas - diet. New year - diet. Summer is comind - diet. Diet, DIEt, DIET. But okay, It is just a sketch.


This picture does not even have a story. I just were sketching some plants in order to figure out new look for my bullet journal and also wanted to draw something related to tea (because the first tea picture is my favourite), but I wasn't really into drawing people. So there is this weird... table there :'D.


Stripes and friends, sketch-me and sketch-friend. I dunno, it just felt like a cool style to try. My journal, where I just wrote rants down and drew in also got this picture, because I really liked it. You don't always have to have some big and important topic for drawings.

With music, I got this weird sense that I couldn't "just" enjoy it. I was really stuck in writing reviews and always started to analyse stuff. But you can listen to music just for listening. So you can draw just for the act of drawing, too.


If anyone would like to know how I felt at the hospital around 99% of the time. Here you go: portrait of Signe.


Sometimes I wish I could silence my mind. Sometimes I wish I could silence myself in order not to complain or rant at others. Sometimes I wish I could manage my emotions, I wish the outside world was quiet.


Cats were in and one of the caretakers was complaining at the lack of colourful pictures (the same who got the hospitalized cloud picture). I made something colourful, then. For Motu!


I made picture of Van Gogh in art therapy (next post about art will be art therapy one) and as my second huge favourite is Gustav Klimt, I wanted to make his Tree of Life, in some way. It is literally a silly sketch, I don't even know why I decided to add it here. Maybe to show how not always stuff works out? Maybe.


Example of me when the doctor or psychologist or nurse asked, how I am feeling. I did not know. I don't even know now. This is the most difficult thing you can ask from someone suffering from depression. I don't want to immediately complain, it would be polite to say "fine", but at the same time you are at the hospital, where you HAVE to say what is baf. So all of this is one huge confusing I don't know.


I still cannot draw any faces, but... Anyway, I guess this just shows an emotion I had, where it was a bit difficult to cope with stuff. Again.


Okay, so here is a face. But it is not regular. I had some thing with different coloured parts like this, so... For example the previous cat picture was similarly made. Now, to think about it, one could say that every colour is different feeling and the stripes are a way to try and fit them inside the boundaries, but it did not work out. It is what it is, it is something.


This is a real "work of art", with an actual thought but into it. Mulgi area of Estonia was looking for logo, so I took a wolf-like creature and bridge motives. After making this I read the terms and conditions and you were supposed to make the thing in photoshop and make example documents and all that. Impossible for me, as I have no computer art skill. But I liked having a topic.


Again this emptiness that is and does not leave and just goes through me and which you can't see but what you would like to show. It is difficult to show that I am ill, when I don't have anything to physically show. I wish... somehow... Maybe write it onto my forehead? Or make a shirt? I bet Awstuffi has a good idea for it.


And the first sketch I made at home!

So... until next time then, I guess?

My psychologist told me that I should make a schedule for my day, using about 30 minute long blocks. Due to some days being really slow and boring. Anyway, I thought I will make a post about this to show what my "regular" or "normal" day at the mental hospital looked like.

I picked just a random Thursday (which list I actually made and wrote down to my bullet journal). Also it is the day where I did not get ECT , as this is done under general anaesthesia and you are not supposed to eat or drink anything beforehand and for us, it was usuallt between 9 and 11.


Example of my activities.

07:00 - 08:00 waking up, brushing my teeth and getting dressed, washing my face and making my bed
08:00 - 08:30 breakfast and medicine
09:00 - 09:15 smoking break, or for me, walking around in the yard
09:20 - 10:00 filling my bullet journal and reading "Self-compassion", a book my psychiatrist lent me
10:00 - 10:30 coffee (I had to have decaf) time and youtube or just social media time
10:30 - 11:00 colourin book
11:00 - 11:30 just internet time, looking for jobs (I have to say there were lot of times where I just didn't do anything and even played Candy Crush)
11:30 - 12:00 listening to the music
12:00 - 12:30 lunch
12:30 - 13:15 reading "The Nightmare" by Lars Kepler (criminal book)
13:15 - 13:30 walk-break
13:30 - 14:00 reading "Anorexia Workbook", borrowed by my psychologist
14:00 - 14:30 looking for some fun ideas on pinterest
14:30 - 16:00 art therapy
16:00 - 16:30 drawing something by myself, working on bullet journal
16:30 - 17:00 dinner
17:00 - 18:30 sister visits, we go for a little walk outside and store
18:30 - 19:00 shower
19:00 - 19:45 drinking tea, talking to others, fill my tea-journa
19:45 - 20:00 snack time (it is a bit sad that I have added "at least try to communicate others here)
20:00 - 20:30 daily recap for myself
20:30 - 21:00 getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth
21:00 medication time and going to sleep after that

As you are able to see here... it was rather difficult to come up with stuff sometimes. Still I did feel very safe and good there. Everything was just flowing in it's own rhythm, no sudden changes or unplanned events.

Thursday was also the day where doctors visited their patients with their personal nurses. It was time to get feedback from them, it was time to complain to them.

On other days we had a little more to do, for example we did something similar to guided meditation (relaxing exercises with breathing technics) and listening to the music together. Sometimes there were also small concerts or such (I never attended those). But yeah, you can see they did try to make some events for us.

Why last 3 weeks were especially difficult for me, was because they cut my right to go out during breaks or even with other people, because I was not gaining enough weight.

• What have you lost to anorexia/bulimia that most saddens you? - I haven't tried new foods, new restaurants; I haven't taken "all" from hanging out with friends, because ED thoughts are so strong and make me worry. I have missed out on my own life, missed making memories.
• Do you think it is fair that anorexic/bulimic lifestyles make people so lonely, friendless and isolated? - If course it is not fair, but yes, I agree it makes people lonely, friendless and isolated. I can barely handle my own company, not to mention having people deal with me - this worries me daily.
• In what ways has anorexia/bulimia affected your relationship with yourself by telling yourself that you are not worthy? - The thing is that I feel like I am on control when I lose weight. I feel like "ha, see that? I am so strong, I did that, I dropped some more weight". And failing in doing so I feel bad and not worthy. This is seriously fucked up?!
• Who in your life have you lost because anorexic/bulimic rules demand so much of your time? Do you think this is fair? - I wouldn't say I have permanently lost someone. Well, maybe one of my best friends, but her goodbye to me dealt with other stuff as well, for example me being too depressed. Also, according to her, we "grew apart" so she didn't put it on my ED, though considering the last time we saw each other, it may have played a part.
• If anorexia/bulimia is your “friend” then why does it talk so badly about you? - It is not a friend, it is... as weird as it sounds, kind of like a hobby?
• Would a good friend do this to you? - I feel like.... okay, this is going to sound super weird, but like she is taking care of me, saying "but if you lose some weight or donõt eat, later you can have all the cake, ALL the candy, so that is worth it, right?" The thing is, this "later" never comes.
• How is it that anorexia/bulimia tricks people with promises of safety while it silently takes them away from everyone who loves and supports them? - It is literally the aspect of control. You think you are in control and having control is powerful feeling. Actually it is the other way around - you are being controlled.
• At which time of the day are you most anorexic/bulimic free? - In the evening. You restrict all day (even though in my case I do eat three times a day) or do not eat that much, so in the evening you are finally "allowed" food.
• How were you able to find this freedom? - By restricting throughout the day. Or working out, or even just walking. Having super low calorie meals.
• When you string together your victorious moments away from anorexia/bulimia, what effect does it have on the anorexia/bulimia? - It gets stronger. Leaving hospital has made my ED so much more worse, as I did gain a little weight. I feel bad, as if ED is a parent and I am a kid that did something wrong.
• What rules of anorexia/bulimia did you eventually have to break in order get your life back? - Eat more. Eat proper meals. Not freak out about eating out. Enjoying life. Saying yes when someone offers you something.

Something that really helped me was drawing and art. It became a huge part of my days, even though I am not super good at it and these pictures are made rushed and without much thought. It helped me to pass the time.

I got a set of small papers from art therapist, pencil, eraser and pencil sharpner. I myself had colourful pens and I decided to use the red - I created red period in my own art.

Meaning (almost) on every picture there is something red: the ones withput have a different story to them. So okay, let me tell you about these pictures.

I would like to get some feedback as well, but it seems that no one is interested in commenting and to be honest I am not surprised. It is a weird topic and even getting anyone to read it, surprises me.



This is my favourite picture, because this shows exactly how I felt at the hospital in the beginning. A big shadow, some presence. It was my eating disorder, not depression I think. The thing is that my body is so malnourished and does not have enough strength to function and ged rid of depression. My body's BMI is too low. I weighted 43 kg when I got to the hospital (I am 170 cm tall), so the BMI was 14,84. Anorexics are considered people from 17,5, which would mean I have to have body mass of 50 kg. Only then psychotherapy would help me. That is also why they didn't start with ECT right away. I needed to live a little better. Yep, they even considered sending me to intensive care unit.



Here I think I wanted to show how a number has completely taken over my life. Because even right now I do not want to change. It is like measuring tape around my head and I can't get rid o it. Or... I don't want to get rid of it? I have, by now, lived like this for years and I don't have any strength to get rid of it. To fight with myself.

Oh yeah it would be so nice to eat like a whole 100g chocolate per day. Be happy for every extra bite. Drink nutri-drinks. I think I could do it. Not care. But I am scared. I am scared of the change, because I only know myself as I am right now. This post does not make any sense any more, but I am just writing down whatever comes to my mind now.



The story behind this picture is eather pretty. It shows how I want to help others. I wanted to help others whe whole time I was at the hospital. I wanted to make others feel better. I felt stronger when someone else was sadder. I was a shoulder to cry on. I was watering pot, when someone needed strength to bloom.



This shows accidentally what I was (am?). At the hospital I was often given an extra apple or banana, thus the picture was born after lunch one day.

In Norwegian, the apple’s core is called “epleskrott”. “Skrott” also translates “carcass”, but Norwegians usually uses the term for a body that is still alive but very tired from exceeding strains and hardships that should be utterly destroying the human body and mind and soul - one friendly soul wrote this to me on Twitter as a response.



I wanted to make something colourful for a change, but at the same time to express that I was lost. Still am though.



Sleep helped me feel better. Finally, for the first time in a year I managed to rest fully. Sleep was my cure. My rest.



My mum said that my eating disorder is like a demon on my shoulder. I translated it into picture like this. She was happy over it. Me too, to be honest.



I felt as if I was the most wasteful person. I wasted space, overall. The second day at the hospital... I kept crying. I felt like everyone else had it worse, they suffered more, they were in worse situation and I thought I did not belong there.

I have to say that all the people I cried for, meant very much to me at the end. I am glad we are already planning some meetups. Finally we can share our hardships between us, because we know what we have gone through.



Oh how I wish I could just put my brain into washing machine, wash out the stupid ideas and keep living. Oh how I wish.

Anyway, here are some pictures from after the red period:



These gentleman with cat-hair and dog-hair found their way to my doctor's wall, as she said she collects stuff like this when she was visiting me in my room and spotted the picture on the window.

After this it was easy to give one more thing away:



This travelled home with one of the guardians who always looked through my pictures when she was checking the rooms. She always gave me reviews, honest reviews. As an exchange, she brought me a small statue of an angel that is now taking care of me. :)

I will write about works I made in art therapy as well as some other pictures that were reviewed by the mentioned guardian. If anyone is interested.

It is actually easier and nicer to write stuff down between the pictures. Even when my writing and picture do not have any connection. Somehow they are mine and show my feelings better than words. Somehow they are enqually important as stuff that I write down. And they remind me of people, situations, feelings.

Anyway, talk to you soon. Maybe I will post more pictures, maybe not. Maybe I will write about my eating disorder behaviours and triggers. Maybe I don't.

Today it was the fifth time for ECT, meaning next on Wednesday will be the last one. And I do feel better, people tell me I even look better. The bad part is that I still haven't gained more than 1 kg since I came to stay at the hospital. And if by the end of this month there is no weight gained, I will be sent to Tartu, where they have specialized facility for eating disorder treatment. Fuck.



One really sweet girl, Hannele, drew my portrait in art therapy. :) She is fourth person to draw me no reason. I wish I was talented enough to make something for her as well.

Oh, about this - I have been drawing, painting etc quite a bit and I will surely make a post about my art as well. People surprisingly seem to like it.

Apparently I went to see Captain Marvel with Silja and her friend. But... I don't remember it at all. Just... nada. I have no idea what this movie was about, I only remember there was a cat as character, and I don't even remember if it was explained why it had the role or...

We also apparently had pizza. I wish I would remember, because Kaja Pizza is really good...

But well, I was really happy today when I told the ECT doctor that "Well, yay, I get to see the movie again then!" The memory and amnesia topic is quite fascinating.

Today I elt how the numbness flew from my arm to rest o my body and I passed out. We got the treatment done quite fast, but still only had an hour between breakfast and lunch, meaning I felt really full and very guilty.

Also they left cannula into my hand, and it is annoying and bit painful. At least it will be my last treatment on Wednesday!! I don't hate it but it is rather uncomfortable.

My doctor mentioned that this is really popular treatment in USA, amongst famous people, but it is super expensive. So I am quite lucky to get it done for free. And I know it helps, I have seen it help and it has already showed a lot of positive things for me. I believe things wil get even better and I am glad that there are no side efects besides temporary memory loss.

About what has changed in me is also that my sense of humor is somewhat back and I have energy to talk to people again. It is a huge change, because I used to escape whenever there was anyone in the room that showed signs of wanting to communicate with me.

Again - if you have any questions, I'll gladly answer!

I was the first one this time as well. It is still weird when they attach the metal plates to my forehead and behind my left ear. But honestly - it is doing something and helping somehow. They explained a little more - the electric impulse balances sides of the brain and thanks to this is helps with depression (as well as with other mental problems). This time I felt the weird numbness in my hand again when they put me under anesthesia, but also it seems like each time it takes me longer to fall asleep. Just by few seconds, but still.

Also, despite the procedure lasting maximum 20 minutes, I feel as if I slept for hours.

About my memory - this time I remembered everything, almost. I just couldn't remind myself the day or date. The other girl getting ECT freaked out and got really panicky - she had no idea why or where she was, she didn't even remember being at psychatric hospital and kept asking why she was there.

For me, this was third time and currently they want to do it 6 times. So next one is on Friday and then again on Monday and Wednesday. Unless they decide I need more than six sessions; I believe maximum they do is 10 times.

I hope that for me 6 is enough. Maybe I can also stay at home and only come in for the procedure. I would gladly pay for taxi, if no one can take me to hospital; I just really want to go home and get to my own things!

Today I don't have this strange empty and light feeling as I did last time. I don't know if it is better or worse. I mean, I am just regular me, maybe I only have little more space for my thoughts somehow - for example I am not thinking too much about food or other worrying things.

Only side efect today was headache, but luckily I got a painkiller and some food soon enough. They even took my cannula out today, which will be put back on Friday. I learned quite an interesting thing - without using, cannula can be in your vein for 72 hours only. Random, but interesting.

I will try and write out my eating disorder story as well, then. It seemed like some of you are interested. Maybe I can also add my food diary, could be interesting (and shocking for people not from Estonia, as Estonian hospital food is well.. really what you cannot imagine, I think).

If anyone has any other questions about Estonian psychiatric hospital, feel free to ask. I would love to write about anything related to it. You can contact me via e-mail (signe.kerge@gmail.com), Facebook (Signe Kerge) or just write a comment under this post.

I am honestly amazed due to the fact people seem to be actually interested in reading about my treatment and stuff, But I think this is good as well - I decided on my dentist thanks to some girl blogging about her braces experience and it could be that one day this helps someone else as well. It is interesting and growing practice and more people should be aware of it. And I am glad to be here and have this done to me; the doctor here is known all around the world and I believe I am in good hands.

Talk to you soon!