I have been at the hospital for a long time already. I have gained some weight by now as well and tomorrow I am going home; there are several plans of action too.

For example I have an agreement with my sister that in case my weight drops 3 Mondays in a row, she can take the lead and call my doctor who will probably organize my transfer to Tartu eating disorder facility.

I do not want this.

But at the same time I feel like I do not want to get better. Well, not exactly don't want to, but... I feel like there is a buffer for my weight right now, meaning that if I wanted to, I could eat anything and everything and as much as I physically can. I haven't done it, but it makes me feel safer.

Also this is physical portrate of my mental health - if I remain skinny, it is easier to see that even after spending all this time here, I am not 100% okay. It is dificult to understand depression. You can't see it, sometimes you don't even expect it. People can also hide it well. Besides all that, everyone have their own thoughts and ideas that take up most of the space in their thoughts as well as everyone knows worse times.

So yeah, looking tiny is kind of like safety net in some ways I cannot put better.

I feel like I want to live a bit more now than I used to. Thanks to ECT for sure. But yeah, just a bit, because there are still so many things that I would gladly ignore and not deal with. It is... sad.

And it is tough to fight with yourself. Like right now I have this battle with myself about this shitty 2 in 1 coffee. I want it, but I know it has 485 kcalories per 100 grams, and it is 14 grams and it adds up quite a lot. It is more calories than in hot chocolate which I have ignored, thinking 380 kcal per 100g is too much. See? This is the rubbish my head is filled with.

I can't go to store before 4 and I would really like this drink now though...

I don't think I need anyone to visit me today, as I will get out tomorrow. It scares me. I really did feel safe here.

They don't want me to go back to work immediately, but I feel as if I should. It has been a loooong time I haven't worked. I feel so awfully guilty. I don't even deserve food, that coffee drink or... anything. I am so angry with mysel. So angry. Again.

I am scared of going back, but I will start with the 2 in 1 coffee. I already gained some weight and hate myself for this as well, so I am trying not to care about calories in the coffee drink.

I am sorry. I repeat myself so many times.