I Won't Quote

I have a feeling that all of the internet is full of videos and posts about "my morning routine", "my perfect day", "how to be THAT girl" etc. Usually they start with waking up at 5-6-7, then I worked out, then I had breakfast, meditated, did my make up, worked, took a bath, journaled, wrote down stuff I am grateful for, did my skin care routine and went back to bed.

I wondered what would my perfect day be like and I think my Saturday was quite like it.

Actually I also wanted to mention that the day is not bad, if something doesn't go well in the morning. Like Friday for me was awful. I was so tired and annoyed and work was also super tough. I thought that I really didn't want to do anything or go anywhere, but I had already promised to my sister and her friend that I will go to Maritime Days with them, so this is where I headed after work. I didn't know where exactly we were supposed to meet, so it took me quite a while to find them.

Then I thought that there is another catastrophe - the only thing I get to eat is fries with salad, if that. I quite like fries to be honest, but I also wanted something else and something more exciting. We looked around for food and found a place named Kausik, where I took salmon bowl with rice and other kind of good stuff. And it was really tasty! Even though I felt really guilty after having it. I ate dinner earlier than normally; I wanted my OWN food; there was A LOT of sauce (which was amazing, of course); I wanted to snack on something later, because I knew I would get hungry; I ate too fast etc etc. It kept going around around in my head, I just would have liked to blow my head off.

On some days, things are really simple. Like the last few times I have eaten out. At Chakra, Jahu and Ancho etc. I haven't felt like I shouldn't and I haven't had much guilt, but now this bowl of healthy food tjust upset me?! I just don't understand my brain.

Then we had mojitos, I took the one with kiwi! It was also very good. Then around 8, a band from Italy performed Queen's songs, which was awesome. 1,5 hours passed super fast and by the time we headed home, my mood had gone from 1 to 8. It was fun. You gotta live. Even though there were still some ED thoughts it my head, which is why I can't say my mood was 10.

Saturday for me started quite late, I got out of bed at 10. Then I made some breakfast and a huge mug of coffee with chocolate milk and sat in front of my computer/laptop to enjoy my evening. No waking up at 7, no meditating or journaling, but it was exactly what I needed.

Around 12 I went to the gym. I really wasn't in the mood to go. Even when I was at the dressing room, I thought that I didn't want to go and wanted to go back home. But then I found some motivation and started doing my normal stuff and I worked out for 1,5 hours? I think something like this. And I felt really good and motivated and had a lot of energy (probably because I had eaten properly the previous day and also snacked on something at home still!).

After this I went to my sister's place, because she literally lives 2 minutes away and she had some things to give to me. So I got checked out another thing for my perfect day - meeting a friend or a relative.

I went back home, took a shower and had some lunch. I wondered what to do with the rest of my day, and decided to go to some stores. Besides it was super hot in the flat and even in the news they suggested people to go to stores, haha. :D So that's what I did. When I walked to the shopping center, I literally talked to my mum for an hour. She was at the beach and said she was boted anyway, so we took this chance to catch up. I would have liked to be with her at the seaside, she even stayed the night in a tent. I don't remember the last time I did that. Anyway, we have this habit of calling each other on Saturdays and talk about everything. It is really nice ritual, but sometimes we don't really have anything to talk about too. :D So this is why we talked about what and how much Motu eats, for example. XD 

Anyway, I went to some stores, but didn't find anything too good. I got new pair of running shoes though, so that is at least something. Then I got some food bits and headed back home. Being motivated from my day, and kind of wanting to live on the trend of a perfect day, I read a book. Then I cooked, watched TV, ate a lot of snacks and enjoyed my evening. I went to bed quite rearly, because... I don't even know. I didn't really have anything to do, I was sleepy as well. Usually when I go to work by bus, I often fall asleep for a few seconds, so I guess I needed some rest. :D 

It was simple and nice day, perfect for me. It was unusual in a sense that I went to the gym in the morning. Or okay, during lunch. But usually I go after 5pm, this on the weekends as well. But it was really pleasant, there weren't many people present and I didn't have to wait to use the equipment. At home the shower was also much needed, because it was so frigging hot on that day. :D

Anyway, things that I have seen in perfect day videos or posts:

• waking up early
• workouts
• breakfast
• meditation
• journaling
• doing make up
• time with friends
• having lunch in a cafe
• watching a movie/reading/other hobbies
• dinner
• skin care routine
• bath
• watching a TV show
• going to sleep

And what belongs into my perfect day:

• sleeping in for a change
• breakfast
• workouts
• shower
• lunch
• time with friends (I really miss my best friend, I haven't seen her in a while)
• walking/shopping/reading/other hobbies
• dinner
• going to bed early

Nothing too exciting. Just a regular day. And thinking about this I think that... every day can be perfect. I don't have to follow all of the things written down here, but if I manage at least some, it will bring me closer to a nice day.

Oeh, I have a feeling that this post is really pointless. I don't know, when I thought about writing this, I was like oh, it is such a good idea, but now... I don't even know. Anyway, in general I want to say that no one's life is perfect and I don't think people do these things every day. Of course I picked a day off as well, otherways I would have put work in there as well. Only people who are full time influencers have time to do those things. :D I know that what people show in blogs/vlogs/instagram etc is just a small part of life, but sometimes it still makes me feel bad. Like why don't I work harder and why am I so pointless? :D But yeah, I don't think people's days are like this all the time, it doesn't matter what they try to show. :D 

Actually it would be cool to follow someone famous' morning routine or something, but all the videos I have watched... everyone start their morning at like 3 am and thank you, but no. :D I like getting up early, but this is not reasonable. Even these 5 am morning routines sound so fake. :D

What would you have in your perfect day?

Now when I am thinking about it, I would add some more things in. Like I have a dream of eating out 3 times a day. Sit in a cafe in the morning, have a coffee and cinnamon roll, then for lunch have a vegan daily offer and then in the evening going to a restaurant with someone. This would be perfect, but expensive. When I feel better money-wise, I shall do this challenge, though.

I am starting to write this post right now, on Monday morning, so it won't be that long I think.

Me, being pleased with my clothes.

Anyway, I thought I would write a little about how I deal with working out. And it is going well! I usually go to the gym like 2 times per week, mostly on the weekends, because on weekdays I get home quite late. I have gone a few times during the week as well, but then I have worked from home so going there takes no time at all. But in general it is good that I don't feel like I have to go every single day. I just take it easy, go when I want to and feel like it. I don't force myself to go at all.

Usually I jog a little and then use the equipment. Me! I have gotten used to using quite a few machines already, but there are still some I haven't checked out. I have my own certain routine of things I always do. I don't haby any muscles to show yet, but I don't work out that much. But at the same time after a workout I often get slightly sore muscles and I really like this feeling. :D And also it has never been too painful, just nice. And I think this is healthy.

In addition to using the equipment, I also do something with dumbbells and recently I have also started to pay attention to my abs. Even though I should probably do more for them, as I am so weak at my core. :D It will progress as time goes by, I am sure. Usually I stay at the gym for an hour or a little more.

On the weekend I used the running machine and jogged a little. Can't really call it proper running, as I am so slow, but it is at least something. Like last time I did FOUR AND A HALF km. I was super proud, as it has been a long time since I ran that much. I like running on the machine more, because it helps me to keep the pace. Outside I always start too fast and then get tired really soon. Also there aren't any crossroads and stuff at the gym. Or other people. There aren't many people who just run at the gym, mostly people walk. Most of the people still use the machines or dumbbells.

I am thinking that I should make a plan and write down how much weight I use on which machine etc, because it gets difficult to remember it all. And I would like to follow my progress more closely.

Something more general now as well... went to the beach on Friday and after that went to have food at Chakra, an Indian place. It was really nice, I highly recommend this place. On the beach there were quite a few people which was also a good change. :)

Then on Saturday I didn't really do anything, I was mainly at home... tried to study a bit, but wasn't successful. But I know I HAVE to do it as soon as possible, because I applied to uni on Friday and soon the exam takes place. I need to get at leasy 70 points, it is possible to get 50 from the test and 50 from the interview. I hope I am going to ace the interview, so I don't have to worry too much. I have hope. But even if I get 70 points, only first 30 will get a spot. :D And there are about 80 people registered...

Then in the evening I went to the gym and was there for a little less than an hour, because I simply was too tired. And it had a lot of people, considering it was Saturday, usually there aren't that many. Everyone are hungover from last night or out partying again usually, as weather is also super nice at the moment. Then I went home, ate a lot of course and then headed to bed. I had stayed up quite late on Friday so I was really sleepy.

On Sunday I had a proper rest, went to some stores. But I couldn't be bothered to try clothes on so I just went back home. Though one pair of pants is still in my mind, I think I have to go back at one point. I want mum jeans, because these are super popular at the moment and I love people wearing them. But I have tried them, and I don't like them on me. But I won't stop until I find a pair.

Then yesterday evening I also sorted through my clothes, even though I didn't manage to do it with everything. I was left with quite a bit I want to give away or sell. Also these are not only super small things, I have all the sizes. :D I feel kind of sad at the idea of throwing them away. I think in the end I will still bring them to the collection point and that will be done. I am just kind of sad that some of the things I haven't even worn.

I also thought about selling them at a second hand store, but I don't know how well it would go. Are there people actually buying stuff from there? Usually there are so few people in these kind of stores so I don't know. Also if any one my friends would like some new clothes - please drop by and see if you'd like something. :D I have pants, dresses, sweaters, jackets, blouses, a lot of things! Me and my friends used to do something like this: we went to someone's place with all the things we wanted to give away and then swich them. :D I would gladly do something like this again.

I am not really excited for the new week, because there is soooo much at work I need to do. One of my bosses has a holiday for a month and before this I really need to figure some things out. I try to take it easy and not stress too much. I also started to write a proper diary and I did write there that I worry way too much over stuff. Also I have another conflict - I always think and say I want to be more spontaneous, but I like knowing proper plans. It is kind of difficult to find the in-between...

But coming back to the gym, I think that yes, I need to plan out my workouts better. Like on what day I will do what etc. I really would need someone's help for that though, I am such a newbie. :D Of course I could learn stuff from YouTube, I am sure there is a lot of content (I even looked up how to use some of the equipment). But having someone with an experience would be beneficial.

With eating, things are going okay, but I feel like I still have some fearfoods, which I should take head on. :/ Because like... every day I keep thinking that I eat the same kind of stuff. I need to make something else. But I am so used to this. But then I keep thinking that there is so much other good food, I need to try it all... but I never get around to it.

Like at the moment it is difficult to eat rice, noodles (it used to be that pasta was no go and noodles were okay, now it is the opposite :D), beans and lentils (I don't even know, why, it used to be okay), some fruit (like mango, banana - even though I add banana to my porridge evert day), some vegetables (like avocado) etc. Yesterday I did make noodles with eggs and veggies for dinner and it was amazing. I don't know why I am scared. It just is like that. Also at the moment it is summer and I only want to eat fresh stuff. Ugh, this is just so irritating.

Anyway, here are some general plans for this week:

1. Finish some critical things at work.

2. Think and plan gym workouts.

3. Try and run more, both indoors and outdoors.

4. Study, study, study.

5. Try to be more spontaneous.

6. Eat different foods.

7. Spend more time in the sun.

8. Read more books.

9. Stress less.

10. Think of a GOOD challenge and execute it.

Here you go, ten things, I can be happy now. :D I will now try to get int work, as last week was a bit half-arsed. It is difficult to get back into rhytm.

First challenge appeared already before Midsummer Day. I had just had lunch when my sister said that there are many kringel pastries, salad and other kinds of food left from her small gathering with coworkers and that me and mum can come there and eat. My mum came to Tallinn to take us back home by car, because Midsummer has always been the time you spend with your family. We are going to my Grandma's, have a BBQ, just chill and talk.

Anyway, I was full, but I KNEW I WANTED those things I prepared for my sister. I made cheese pastry and nutella pastry and some filled eggs. I knew I couldn't stop myself when these things were in front of me, it didn't matter how hard I tried. And is it wrong to have food because I want to?!

These were just super good.

Everything always goes back to weight and the fact that as of right now I don't need to gain any. These eating moments, overeating etc is much easier to justify when I was underweight. Then it didn't matter if I gained a few kilos or not, because I needed that. But today it isn't like so anymore. Also I know that tomorrow, on Midsummer's Eve, I will eat soooo much. I know that I can't stop myself yet again.

I have been thinking about restricting in advance, skipping a few meals or not having dinner, but I haven't done that. I really wish I did, because then my eating would be okay. But I have been doing good, trying to be normal.

Today I also haven't been able to walk around, walking is still an obsession for me. But knowing I CAN'T walk today is also kind of freeing, because finally I don't have to count the steps. But it would at least calm my nerves... at the moment I am just really anxious.

Actually I have also been working from home today, but if I didn't have to do it, I would have taken a long walk already. Even though lately I just can't be bothered. I have done other things with my time and I have learned I also like doing other stuff. Reading books, writing letters, watching series and movies, listening to music, journaling and scrapbooking, being with friends and relatives and so on. I can't even really believe I used to spend 4-5 hours a day just walking around.

At the moment yes, I am still doing it, but not voluntarily. It is an obsession and need. It also doesn't help that people post on Instagram about how much they have walked... I feel like it automatically becomes and competition and I can't be "worse" than them. Argh, it is just so frustrating!

At least I have better relationship with the gym, I don't have to go there every damn day. I just go a few times per week. And I don't use the equipment that shows how many calories you have burned. I do weigh training with different machines, I try out dumbbell exercises and yesterday I also did some abs. And I have gotten over this "must burn calories" thinking, I do stuff that I like and what make me feel good. I have also been thinking about getting back into running, but the weather is just TOO hot at the moment. Honestly, this is too much even for me. :D I have also been thinking about taking my sleeping bag to 24/7 opened store and go sleep there. xD I wonder how the workers would react to this...

Anyway yes, at my sister's, I still tried everything I had made and then we drove to Viljandi. Me and my mum also picked up some Vegan Gourmet vegan shaslik and it literally took us an hour to drive from my place to the pick up location, there was so much traffic. But it was worth it. :D

I felt really super upset when we went to Viljandi and mostly I felt again that I don't want to exist, I just would like to fall asleep and not wake up. I couldn't calm down somehow and whatever I did, my mood didn't improve. In the end I took my meds and headed to bed, because I just didn't know what else to do.

The next day was hundred times better. In the morning we all had some breakfast, then we just chilled outside before it got too hot. We had some watermelon, strawberries, blueberries etc, we just snacked the whole day. Then I also went for a little walk, went to the place my other Grandma lived when she was alive and it was so nostalgic. I took a huge detour home and picked some field flowers for my Grandma, who'se place we went for a BBQ. :D

I got some rain, but it stopped quite soon and it was hot yet again, so I dried off fast. I vurned my shoulders and back a little, because I wore the upper part of my bikini and it was 12 pm. Today my shoulders really hurt, I came to work with backpack and I really didn't want to wear it. :D

Then around 5 we went to my Grandma's place and my dad started the BBQ. We had some meat shaslik, then fish one and this soya one I ordered. I also wanted to try the fish one really bad.

And…

It was amazing. :D I also have another vegan meat from a company, but there was only 6 of us so there was no point in barbequing it all. We left it for another time when I came to Viljandi. Anyway, the fish one was good as well and was eaten first.

Anyway, I tried this vegan shashlik and it was so real! It tasted like meat, the texture was like meat etc. It was perfectly marinated and it wasn't dry at all. Others also tried it and they liked it, but I pretty much had the whole 1 kg bag by myself. xD Me and dad kind of competed though, because he also really enjoyed it. Anyway yes, I will definitely order some more, because... I am really buzzing for it. :D

We sat outside for a long time and in the end I even got to wear a hoodie, soooooo nice. Because the weather has been really hot here. We also had cheese, grapes, watermelon, pastries, ice cream etc. But...

II ate a lot. But not so much that I would have felt overly bloated. Maybe it helped that I had vegan meat, it is kind of lighter? Anyway, I didn't really feel disgusting and I didn't even have guilt feelings the next morning. I had my normal breakfast. Okay, I had a few too many drinks, so I felt a bit hungover, but nothing too bad. :D

But when I woke up I was really anxious. Exactly like I was in Tartu. My heart was pounding, head was spinning, hands were shaking and I just felt suuuuper panicky. I didn't know what to do. I went to my dad and asked him to sit with me, but it ended up to be a lecture. It wasn't very nice. At least soon my mum woke up and I cried a little, then I was better. xD I don't know, these panic attacks are really bad. I feel weird the whole day.

To my surprise, I didn't take the earliest bus or train back to Tallinn, I stayed in Viljandi a bit longer. We were just chilling, I didn't even go for a walk, even though I really felt like I should have gone. It is bothering me a lot.

When I got back to Tallinn, I went to the nearest store! I thought that well, I have time, maybe I should walk a little more, but I was just so tired and then I only got in about 2000 steps. And I really didn't care. What a weird feeling...

And today morning my weight was up by two kilos from before going to Viljandi. But... I didn't care. Like, I wasn't bothered AT ALL. It is I think the first time where I just don't care, usually I still get some pangs of emotion related to it. But not this morning. And I really didn't worry about food and eating in Viljandi. I felt that things can be, well, normal.

This year my birthday was on Thursdau, which meant that on Wednesday evening I had to bake a lot. I am starting this post on Wednesday, by the way.

Anyway, I had a plan of going home and then preparing for the next day. I made this cheese stritzel. I always make it with melted cheese and grated cheese and everyone have always loved it.

I hope that it will go fine this time as well, because I haven't used the gas oven to make it previously... I think I just need to check it more often or something. Hopefully I can do it. I also thought about going to my sister's place to prepare them and I still need to make a cake as well and it would have taken so much time. I will stay at home and try and make the things. I would really like to do some STUDYING as well, as I have neglected it recently.

For the cake, I am making one with curd cream and cream cheese. I have made it many times previously and everyone have always loved this as well. :) I hope my oven is fine with it. I got some new coconut flavoured cookies as the base and instead of blueberries I will make it with strawberries.

Yesterday at the store... it was a struggle, I needed to get so many things. :D

Unbelievable, I am getting a year older. Honestly I don't feel like I have changed at all since I was like 16, everything seems the same. :D I don't know, I wouldn't say I have also accomplished anything, even though I have almost gotten rid of my eating disorder, so maybe...

I just randomly remembered I started listening to The Hilarious World of Depression and it is really good. At least the part I have gotten through at the moment. I can recognize myself and some friends there. :D

Aa, to come back to the ED. Next step would be getting rid of my depression, but I have no idea when and if it is ever going to happen. Because it just, really sucks, haha. :D

I got really upset with my psychologist the other day. We talked about eating, as always. And then she said that she doesn't really restict, but she makes healthy choices, eats ice cream once per half a year and she said junk food is bad, you need to be healthy and make right decisions with food. And that you shouldn't even buy junk food. Like, thank youuuuu :)))))))))))). It really affected me negatively.

Other than that she is really nice, she can calm me down and ask right questions, but this really made me upset. I have, for years, forbidden things to myself and now someone comes out and says it is right, you shouldn't eat these things, you need to be healthy and mindful and watch your portions. Not what I would have liked to hear. Oh well. She also suggested having a food journal, but I can already imagine her going into the shock and her saying I should be healthier. Even when I said I eat 80-90% of the time well, it is not good enough. :D

No, I don't think she meant anything bad and I just saw her for the second time ever, I suppose she doesn't really know what would cause me to relapse and what I can take from her words. I just... I wish she hadn't said some things. Especially when I was already upset and cried there, right?! :D 

Today I can think about it more clearly, but after my appointment I called to my sister and ranted a lot, because I was so done with it.

Today I also had a dentist appointment and it was confirmed that on the 8th of June I will get rid of the braces! And then on 14th they will make the invisalign thingies I have to keep in my mouth. So exciting, gonna be pretty for summer! And it is almost like a birthday present for myself. :)

Anyway, I will write later or tomorrow about how my baking came out. :D

-

Okay, so, birthday morning started with chocolate oatmeal, strawberries and a cup of coffee. Yesterday I was in such a hurry with baking, at least I think I managed with the oven. Cake looks good and stritzels got baked, so I can be happy. We shall see how the taste is, but I hope others will like it.

I got to work earlier today, earlier than usually. Now my best friend has called me and sang to me, also sister has called and sang and there are other birthday wishes as well. So sweet. I don't really feel like it is my birthday, but it helped a little. :) And it is so nice that a lot of people have just sent me a message instead of posting on my FB feed. It is much more personal and cute.

Then I thought that before the workday finishes I will have stritzel and cake, I can skip lunch. But I decided not to do it. I already went by the store and got several things for lunch, so I am being good. :D It is really big for me.

Ah, and after work I decided to celebrate my birthday by going shopping with my best friend and sister. And then my best friend bought me SHOES. And they are exactly like the ones I have been eyeing up. I am so lucky! Can't believe it. :D

Aren't they cute? I think they are!

Then I have also made a little challenge. One of my friends sent me a message on Instagram saying that I should be kind to myself and say nice things to myself. I haven't really done it in front of a mirror, but it is still a start.

Anyway, I set up some kind of mantras for myself that I repeat while I am walking to the bus stop in the morning. One of them is "something good will happen to me today" and there are two more that I am not going to write down here. And I repeat them until I believe them. It kind of makes me feel more positive.

And another thing that I do is that I will tell nice things about myself to myself. I start with "I am" and then add a positive word, like "proper", "friendly" etc. There are a lot of choices. I have some things I always say, but I also try to come up with something new from time to time.

I don't know if it is really helping though, because I have done it for a small amount of time, but it does make me feel a bit more positive. I think I will try telling myself nice things in the mirror at one point as well, but at the moment it seems a bit too cringe. Even though I live alone and don't have to worry about anyone except for my cat listening, haha. :D Have you tried something similar? It seems really popular practice.

Tomorrow I will have a small birthday party (we are really careful and everyone who have a small doubt regarding corona in their head are staying home) and I can't wait. Yesterday this thought stressed me out, but now I am over it and I can think normally and I can't wait to see them all.

Oh, I got a good idea about going to a bookstore after work, because I want a card game to help people get to know each other. :D I think it would be interesting.

I also got bookstore giftcard from work and I think I will buy a cookbook. I have really started using the library a lot more recently and honestly having books is cool, but I want more space at my home. So I am not going to buy all the books I would like to read.

With reading, I have a really cool project going on that I will write more about in a future post. And I also thought I will get my air fryer finally, there are so many things I want to try and make, I am really excited!

Also I thought about making a new post about the social media accounts that I follow, because I have discovered a lot of new ones. And maybe I will combine it with my favourite YouTubers, because I am in the middle of making it for a while now.

Anyway, I will enjoy my Friday with chocolate Oatly oatmilk and coffee and thinking about being 28. So old?

When my friend came over and we had the pizza night, we talked about not having anything to do and to waste time, we go out for walks. Like... I used to have hobbies. Where have they gone?

For example I used to watch a lot of films and even anime. At the moment I am not doing this at all, because I feel like I can't focus for that long. It is much easier to watch Youtube videos, becuse in general they are not that long and when I don't like something, I can pick another one. So yeah, I am not really a fan of watching TV. Yesterday I took a look around in Netflix and I thought that oh, maybe I should watch this or that, but then I checked how long it is and decided that I don't have enough energy for that. And I didn't want it to play on the background either, because it would be such a waste. Only thing I have sort of managed to watch is My Kitchen Rules, but this also annoys me, because they always repeat the episodes and I have seen them already. :D

Then... I used to attend a choir practice. But I don't think starting to sing at home randomly would be a nice thing to do (even though in the last place I lived, there was a girl who was an opera singer and I could hear her practicing all the time). But yeah, that is a no from me.

I have never been a dancer and honestly even thinking about it makes me embarrassed. I have turned on some music more loudly and done some steps, but as soon as I do it, I pause the music and sit back down. This is not for me!

What else? I used to read a lot. I read one a day or was awake half of the night in order to read. But at the moment I don't have enough patience, attention and I am just not feeling like it. It just seems so boring. And like... a waste of time, even though it isn't. Because is watching Youtube better?! Also I should contact the magazine I ordered as I have not received my January one. I just saw that they took money from my account but I still haven't gotten it. But yeah, considering me, I wouldn't even read it.

In addition to these things, a big role in my life has sport. I used to love (and still do) running and all kinds of group workouts, but this is not possible at the moment. It is slippery and cold outside and I don't have proper gear to run.

Also, I would like to, I don't know, learn languages or something. But all kinds of group things are paused due to corona. It is depressing. Today I came to the office simply to get out of the house, because I feel I will go mad at home.

Anyway, considering all this, I go for walks a lot. Like yesterday I walked to the one shopping center THREE times. Firstly in the morning to buy some decorations for home (which I think is really pretty, hahaa :D).

Then later I thought I will make kimchi-tofu-mushroom soup as I just came across a recipe and I decided to go and buy some kimchi. And all of the kimchi was gone. I was really upsed because I really wanted that soup. Oh well.

And then in the evening I was like... I should go to the store and get some soya yoghurt. Even though I still have half a tub of coconut yoghurt and I planned to have porridge for breakfast anyway. But I STILL went outside and walked to the store, I just couldn't keep still and I was sooooo bored.

When I get home it was still quite some time until dinner, there was nothing on the TV and I was bored of the computer. So I finally picked up my scrapbook and started one for 2021! It was kind of nice to work on it, but as I don't have printed out pictures, I couldn't really do much. I should look at the photos I have taken and send them to be printed out.

It was kind of calming. I had a weird feeling all day and a bit of anxiety, so it was nice to have some time for myself. I had some tea on the side and just wrote stuff down. It was really nice. But at the same time I still felt like "ugh I don't feel like doing it". I pushed it aside, but it still was on my mind. :S I don't know if scrapbooking is called a hobby, but it is a nice activity that I do on my free time so I guess? I don't know.

We will see what I do next. I guess I should take this list of things and try all the activities, maybe I like somethign again. Is this what depression is, just laying on bed or on a sofa and stare at the ceiling? Honestly, I would even pick an obsession right now, like Korean music used to be. Because I am just... so... bored.

But it was nice that on Saturday a couple of friends and a relative came over. They brought me so many things. ;_; A lot of vegan products, but also something interesting, for example NATO parcel CAN OF BREAD?! This was weird, haha. :D But well, I can say that I am ready for a zombie apocalypse.

Also, what else - blogging is a hobby as well. Yep, this is probably the only thing I have done constantly and feel like doing. :D

Bullet journaling is also kind of the same. You make some pretty decorations and can do habit tracking and mood tracking and so on. It is interesting to see. I try and do something every day, but on some days I still skip. 

Mmmmmm I am thinking what else I did at the hospital. I solved sudokus! And drew! And... solved puzzles, coloured... but in general I just wasted time. I don't know, this walking around makes me feel good. The act of moving. It soothes my nerves and lets me think, like usually I make plans about blogposts or something. Anyway, all in all I want to say that if you want to go for a walk, tell me and let's do it together. :D I always need to have a goal when I go for a walk, especially when I am alone. And usually it is a store. Because I just can't walk around aimlessly. With someone it is fine, but I almost always go for a walk alone.

Yes, I don't keep my walking at the minimum any more, because I have gained quite a bit of weight. And I can allow myself to use some energy. To feel good. And I eat so much, I never walk off all the calories I consume. So yeah, thins are progressing... somehow.

Today I have my psychologist appointment and I am scared of it. And not because I have lost weight, the opposite. I have gained TOO MUCH from the last visit. Like a lot. Several kilos. :S When will things be alright?

At the moment my main problems are: disinterest, boredom, need to move, short attention span, depression, eating too much.

Like I felt SO hungry on one night. I had had all my meals and snacks and then I still kept eating and eating and in the end I went to sleep crying. At 8 pm. Because I thought I will never stop. This really scared me. Later I understood that it was because I was restricting a bit during the week. This is a dead sycle.

So I thought I will take at least one picture every day and write a little about them. I have gotten used to posting pictures to my Instagram stories, but it has been a while since I just took random photos. I wanted to change that. At least I think I didn't post any of these to my stores (maybe with 1-2 exceptions).

Walked home from the store on one evening and it was so nice. The weather was great too, really autumn-like - dry and crispy... leaves have also changed colours and it is getting dark quite early now. It was idyllic and nice and I thought that yes, perfect photo oportunity. I really like walking around and it is quite sad when it is raining and I can't do that.

At the same time I think walking will become less when I move, because I will start living further away from the city center and I have to use more public transport. But oh well. At least near my new home there is some nature so I can just go outside and walk around there. Besides, who even walks around during autumn and winter, at least in Estonia? Anyway, all that is relating to the move and stuff feels so unreal and I am still waiting on some confirmations, but I hope to get them today. Good luck to me! Please hope for the best.

Regards the autumn evenings I have started burning cangles again - on this picture there is one with spices. And I drink a lot more tea now. Partly thanks to the fact that I am not having Coke anymore (today is already... 7th day) and partly due to the fact that weather has become colder and this just makes me have more hot drinks. And I got National Geographic subscription now. I have been reading it quite a bit. In this months' number there is a long article about sex industry and kids in it and it is really interesting. In general, I really like this magazine. In each number you find something to read about. And when you don't feel like reading a book, this is a good thing to check out.

Have been going to many yoga classes. I have come to realise I like both classes - yogaFUNC and vinyasa yoga. I have gotten used to the fact that they are different, but have similar elements. yogaFUNC is usually on Saturday mornings, which is perfect for me, and vinyasa yoga on Thursday evenings after work. I get to attend these classes only in every second week though, because we have meetings at work that sometimes take too long.

Anyway, my muscles don't get sore anymore and I think I am more flexible now. I can't comment on my balance though. :D What I also discovered is that usually when I went to sleep, my legs cramped up a lot and it was really awful. Now that I have done yoga, this never happens anymore! Such a good thing!! And even if I don't feel like doing yoga every time I always feel so much better after the class.

I finally put all of my different teas together that people have sent me and I usually let my sister or myself pick one with eyes closed. Some have been positive surprises, while some have been let downs. Anyway, here are the teas from UK, Germany, Finland and even Estonia. If you want to make my tea collection bigger, please contact me on Twitter - I accept everything and I can send you something as well!

This is probably one of my favourites I have ever had. I wish I found it in Estonia. I should look it up, I think I have seen Cupper teas in some stores. I will Google later and see if I can find a store that has them. Anyway, I would totally give it 9,5/10. I had it at work and it made my day a lot better.

Another picture of my feet because... I didn't have anything else to take a photo of and I needed to take one. :D Actually now that the weather is a bit colder, I can finally wear my new autumn boots. When it is raining, I am still wearing rubber boots, but these boots are really nice. I remember exactly that I bought them on 13th of March, a dey before the corona crisis was called out in Estonia. :D And the bag is also bought on the same day. Me and my mum went shopping because she was in Tallinn and we were supposed to go to see an opera, but it was cancelled due to corona. Soon it is again 13th and Friday (in November), I hope that Estonia won't have another lockdown this time. But who knows. I also wanted to ask what do you think about wearing a mask? It is not mandatory here and a lot of people are against it, which I don't really understand... but do you have anything to say about it? I have shared here that I do wear a mask and support it, but it would be nice to hear your opinions.

I went to my friend's place yesterday, as my bread starter died (it went mouldy, I don't know what happened) and I got a new one from her. Today I already started the pre-dough and I will bake in the evening! So thanks to my friend from saving me once again. My starter had a name Motivation (and Motivation died). Now this one has a new name: Nom. So we shall see how Nom goes.

Anyway, I was waiting for a bus and this old unique bus came! I was staring at it in disbelief and almost missed it, because I couldn't believe my eyes that in 2020 in Tallinn this antique thing is driving around! It didn't even have the validator things for my card. :D Anyway, I wasn't the only person taking pictures with my mouth open. The bus driver was also really cool, he was so happy and nice. :D I wish all public transport drivers were like this. But actually I think most of them are. Like for example I take a particular tram to work in the mornings and once there was another one in front of it. The tram driver was like "why don't you take the previous one" and I said that I don't want to get to work too early and he really laughed about it. :D It was adorable. Also bus drivers in other countries are always nice as well, for example I remember asking help from them in Norway when there were roadworks.

And to finish this post - a picture of me. I think my face has become a bit better, it doesn't look like a skull any more. And this is a huge plus in my eyes. I am finally taking selfies again too, I used to avoid it a lot.

How is it with eating? Well, good. But I have this extreeemeee hunger now, I don't know. Like, I could be full up and feel disgusting, but I am still hungry and want more and more food. I feel like I can never stop eating. I have been honouring this hunger and had some more, but it is so so super scary.

I have faced my fear foods as well - like yesterday me and my sister had frozen 3 cheese pizza with cheesy crust. And it was a lot scarier than takeaway pizza. Maybe because I knew the calories now... but it was so good. We also had some beer and finished the day off with Alpro vegan ice cream, which was amazing. And I didn't skip meals or snacks during the day. So I am good.

Today I have my psychologist appointment, I can finally tell her about the progress I have made. My weight has also gone up, so that is good. I always feel proud when she is happy for me. :D As if I succeeded in something. And at the moment this is enough.

Anyway, new week, new challenges, new things. I haven't really picked out a challenge to do, but I should think about something. I could do something. I have some ideas, but they take more planning than I have done right now.

I am so glad I am feeling like blogging again. I feel like the last few posts have been really nice and they haven't been as if I forced myself. So yeah, another positive thing. I still feel disappointed when I have not gained weight, but get annoyed with myself if I have. Annoying. :D

Okay, before finishing this post, I wanted to say thank you to people who have read and commented my posts. These comments make my days so much better. And believe me if I tell you that I read them over and over and over again. They make me sooooo happy. But yeah - talk to you soon!

Hi.

I had some polls in my Estonian blog, but as there aren't a lot of people to read this one, I won't bother with it here and translate other things from the post.

I wanted to say that I have recently gotten some really nice comments on my Estonian blog and it makes me soo so happy. Thank you.

What I also wanted to write is braces. There have been so many cases when something bad has happened and I am scared of eating, not a good combo.

The first time one of the braces came off my tooth and it needed to be applied again (and of course you have to pay for fixing these issues ;_;) by another doctor, because mine had a vacation. But I really have to say that the clinic I go to is amazing and I always get help super fast.

Then something that they put behind my teeth so I would bite down correctly came off. While I was having a pureed soup! I thought this was only possilble when I ate something hard. :D But my dentist said it probably came loose even earlier and it just came off then.

Went to fix this and got new wires, and theeeeen the wire came off on one end. I couldn't put it back to the tube and the piece of the wire in the end broke off. And I needed to get it fixed.

So yeah, it is a lot of trouble, having braces. I really hope everything goes smoothly from now on. I have been super careful and will continue being mindful. No hard vegetables or fruits in my diet (or it has to be chopped into really small pieces). Not to mention having hard crackers or something like this. I just don't want to go back and need to get something fixed again and spend a lot of money, especially now.

NB! This post has a lot of pictures. If this is triggering to you in any way, I recommend skipping reading this!!!!!

As I have a vacation from work, my mum and sister decided to go on a little road trip as we do every year. Last year we went to Ida-Virumaa and Narva, this year we went to some islands. I thought I would blog about it, so it would be nice to look back to it. I will make a separate post about foods and eating and describing how I felt regarding it, but here I wanted to write a little about this trip. Maybe someone finds some good recommendations about what to do. :D A lot of my friends have been on islands or are going soon, Instagram stories are full of these posts. :D

Anyway, on Tuesday morning we went to port and firstly went to Muhu. Our first stop was ostrich farm, which I really recommend checking out. It had a lot of exotic animals, but ostriches were the coolest. :D Anyway, there were also zebras, kangaroos, emus, alpacas and some ponies and one rabbit.

When we were petting alpacas, there was a funny moment. Some people were there with a little dog and an alpaca really wanted to look at the dog. :D And I was posing all nicely, but covered his view. And then hi BIT MY SHOULDER. :D This was absurd and funny and startling, my mum even got a picture at the right moment. :D 

Our next stop was at handmade ice cream shop where we tried a lot of different flavours. And then we went to Muhu adventure park!

At first we had thought that we will buy tickets for the whole park, but once we were there, we decided to go on only half the tracks. And it was a good decision, as it took us around 3 hours to complete them. I randomly saw a friend there, who also took some pictures. Nice to look back at them. Anyway, even to my own surprise, I had more strength and energy than I expeced and I completed the tracks quite fast. I think this is one of my favourite adventure parks where I have been. It wasn't too difficult and everything worked well. :D

After that we drove to Saaremaa and... I don't een remember, I think we went to the hotel and did a check in. Aaaah, before that we stopped at Kaali crater. It was a bit disappointing when I was there last summer, I kind of expected something... bigger. But it was just a little pond. :D But it was nice to see my sister's reaction who really liked it there.

After the stop at the hotel, we continued to Sõrve, to see a lighthouse there and walk to the end by the seaside. It was really windy, but it was also truly beautiful. I would totally go there again if I had a chance. One of my favourite places in Saaremaa, definitely.

Then we went back to Kuressaare and got ready to go and eat out. And after this we walked around for a little, just looked at houses and then finally went back to the hotel. We were awake for some time, just planned out the next day and talked. Then we went to sleep and the next day started.

There was a ferry we had to take to Hiiumaa at 13:30, but before that we wanted to visit the castle. It appeared that there was old information on their homepage and we couldn't go inside until 11. We decided to skip this and just looked around. But there was some time left so instead on the way to the port we stopped at windmill mountain where there were tons of windmills. This was quite fun.

I would have loved to see Panga bank, but we didn't have time for it. Another reason to go back...

Anyway, then we got on a ferry to Hiiumaa.

First stop was Kõpu lighthouse, which was really scary. :D It was super windy as well. :D But I really liked it. I like high places a lot. This is why I always take people to TV tower when they visit me in Tallinn.

Our next stop was wooden copy of Eiffel tower. It was... an experience. The tower was so flimsy that we were too scared to climb to the top. And around it, oh boy. It was a mess. So many things, so many little houses, so many things to fo. It kind of felt as if we had stepped into some surreal world. I can't even describe it, it made no sense. :D But at the same time it was cool, something really different.

After this surreal stop we went to see Tahkuna lighthouse, where there was also memorial for children who died in Estonia cruise ship accident. It was super sad, but really beautiful. This is how every memorial should be!

It was really windy, but it wasn't raining at least, as the forecast had said.

Our last stop in Hiiumaa was Kaibald's desert, which I really wanted to see. My friend told me about this, and I think it was totally worth it. We walked through a forest and then ended up in real desert! It was so different and weird and made no sense again. But really cool! I would have loved to walk around there for a little longer, but we didn't have much time left.

After these small stops we went to have some dinner and then it was time to get on a ferry back to mainland. At first we felt that there was not much to do on the islands, but we realised that we could have used one more day there. We went to main tourist attractions, but there were a lot of small places we missed. And we have been thinking that it would be nice to go again. :D

So this is very different post to my regular ones, but I wanted to write it down. At the same time I didn't want to talk much about eating, because oh boy, there will be a whole post about it. But for a second I wanted to mention how crookedly I see myself. This is fucked up.

At home and later looking at the picture I was like, ew, it is disgusting. At the same time when I don't see myself, I still feel like I am 75 kgs like I used to be on my heaviest days. My mind just doesn't connect my current look with what it actually is. I just... don't understand. So in some way it is good when I get my picture taken, but at the same time I don't even want to post these pictures. Because they are awful.

I thought for a long time if I should post the pictures, but I don't want to hide anythig and I want to remind to myself that I am on my way to recovery and one of the steps is gaining weight. I shouldn't feel stressed about it, because every kilo makes me prettier.

Now in Viljandi I haven't had a chance to weigh myself, but I will most definitely do it once I am back in Tallinn. My deal with the friend is coming to close and I hope I have managed to succeed. It would be so nice. We are going to meet with some friends on Saturday and we can talk about how we are doing really. Then we need to also make a new deadline to continue with the agreement. 

Anyway, yeah, that's it for now.