I Won't Quote

Me and Getter were talking about how blogs are sometimes like therapy. You can write down everything. And then I was like, I have no ideas for a new blog post... and thus I decided to just rant about stuff. I have a feeling that I have so much to do but yet I am bored. A weird situation. On some days while working I just wonder why time passes to slow, while at the next second it is already evening and time to go to bed. And then it is Friday and weekend and another work week ahead of me. It is truly spring already and soon it is April... how is it possible that time goes by so fast?

But yeah, this week I didn't manage to do any short challenges, even though I had some ideas and motivation. But yeah, it was not the right time to do anything, because I spent some time with people. And people > challenges. And well, I have studied quite a bit. I have done that less today, I need to get back on track. But I am tired so I gave myself a small break. I bet I have time later this week, and then I can cover all that I needed to do this weekend.

On one day I saw a huge progress. I was sitting at home and watching some TV, as My Kitchen Rules was on. And then... I shut it off and studied for 45 mnutes. I know, I know, I can't believe it myself, haha. :D But this shows how motivated I am.

Then on Wedensday my sister and best friend came over and I made some (vegan) pizza. It was really good and we had a whole thing between the three of us. I wrote on Instagram that it is so difficult for me to eat in social situations, because I have regulated it so much. Like, I always have food at 7 pm, I always watch some videos while it to distract myself and so on. And well, you can't really do it when you are with someone. So we had pizza earlier, talked and just chilled. And it was surprisingly nice.

On Saturday me and my best friend will have a movie night and just spend some time together. I feel a little bit stressed, even though I know it will be fun and I will get over it. I just have this habit of worrying ahead in time... maybe these are the first steps to overcome them. We shall see how it goes. I will try, as usual, to think clearly and not make it into a bigger thing than it is. I hope I will be fine and won't overeat. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed. I think later I will write that I either hate myself or I will be laughing, saying it was amazing. It is a normal part of life. I am just waiting for it to sink in.

I have been at the home office for past two days and I feel like I am going crazy. Next week I will definitely go back to the office. But I am currently waiting for a parcel, but I don't know when exactly it will be delivered. I hope it comes soon (it still hasn't -.-).

Yesterday I made a personal cookie cake. With Selga new coconut biscuits, curd cream, blackcurrant jam and kiwi. And it was really good. I can't believe I am saying this, but... maybe it was a bit too coconutty, hahahhaa. :D But I haven't had this cake in a long time and I have been craving for it. So I finally made it. For dinner I had poke bowl with shrips and quinoa and I kept thinking that this is too much, then I got a panic attack and had to call mu sister and ugh. It was a difficult today, to sum it up. Last few days have just been really difficult. I think it is also partly because of the home office again, but this eating thing is tough. I haven't had any guilt recenrly, but now for a few days it has been unbearable.

I wish I could just wake up and be normal. Also I looked into the meds I take and then I read that one of them is used to cure anorexia and it makes you eat more and gain weight. And then of course I started to imagine it is doing exactly this. I am thinking that yep, that is the reason I am hungry all the time etc. I know it is placebo, as I didn't have these thoughts before knowing this fact.

Then on Wednesday there wasn't anything interesting to watch on the TV, because the Expensive calories show was finished. Sad, can't liveblog any longer. Need to find something else to watch.

But what else...

Ah, I tried this new Fanta Zero and it tasted AMAZING. Like the real thing. I hoped that I would hate it, as I have a bit too much sodas, but nope. :D It was really good.

At the same time this green Fanta (apple, I believe?) I didn't really like, though I still drank it. And then there is this new vanilla-orange coke, that legit tasted like ice cream. :D Unreal. It was okay, but I wouldn't get it again to be honest. :D It didn't suit as a drink. Others I would have again. But I will still love Pepsi Max the most. I like it's bubbles more than in Coke, hahaha... very specific, I know. :D

Finally managed to write my thoughts out here. I started reading this "Good reasons for bad feelings" and it is really interesting! (Maybe I should go an study psychology instead?! :D) And I think I will make a separate post about this book in the future. I already started writing down some stuff for myself. But I don't know how long it takes me to finish it.

Today I am going to my sister's, she has a friend over and we want to just chat a little. I know that I would much rather sit at home and do nothing, live in my own rythm and do what I usually do, but I also want to push myself. Which is good, as I need to get over this. I think it will be nice, but at the same time I have this weird anxiety.

I have never had social anxiety ot panic about being outside in public places, but a few days ago I had this really weird emotion. I was walking home from the store and some people were walking near me and then suddenly I got realllly panicky thinking they will attack me. Of course that didn't happen. Then there was a man waiting for a bus and I suddenly thought that what if they have a gun???? It was so weird. I can't even explain it well. I just felt in panic and almost ran home.

But I haven't had any more of these moments now. Sometimes I get this "I hope everything is fina at home" feeling and then I hurry back, but in general I am not worried about social situations. I don't know.

This post seems so pointless, but I just wanted to write my emotions out. :)

Aah, then I also ordered Rohebox (Green box) which is a surprise parcel with vegan goodies. :D I asked someone in advance about what it has this time and then I ordered it. I am really pleased with it. I got cheese from it that I put on the pizza. It was really nice just on it's own as well, though my best friend said it tasted like bread and she said that she doesn't know what kind of cheese I eat when this tastes normal to me. Hahahhaa, it has been a long while since I had normal cheese, to be fair. :D

Anyway it had a lot of interesting things, for example also a set of growing some greens. Three days ago I started it and it has already grown so much, that's crazy! Also it had some new vegan puddings that I have already finished and I have also decided on when I make the brownies. Oranges went on the second day (and they were really good!). Other stuff is waiting for it's turn. But considering my tempo, it will be over soon. :D

I will set a goal for myself to get another challenge done, I need to do something, I miss it. Even though I do a lot of studying as a challenge, reasing, and work out at home. But yeah, enough about my venting now, I have calmed down a lot.

I am so freaking upset that my weight has gone up so much. And then I decided to restrict a bit and for a few days ate less and omg, I lost 100 grams and then I couldn't do it anymore and started to eat normally again and at the moment I don't care about my weight but in 5 minutes I do and feel shit again. And then yesterday at work someone randomly asked me if I have gained weight and I just... YES I HAVE but who asks things like this?! I would never think about going up to someone and asking if they have gained weight. Aaaargh. Phew, finally got it out at least.

As it is new year and everything is closed in Tallinn, I decided to work out a little at home. I made this really basic list of exercises and I started with doing 10 pushups, 10 ab exercises, 10 squats and 10 seconds of blank. And like, not only one type of ab exercises, several. I just can't really show them in the blog here, haha. :D And then every day I add one. Like on the second of January I did 11 of everything etc. I don't know how long until I stop adding them, but we will see.

On the second day when my muscles hurt (!!! I couldn't believe it, I have to be super weak) I got kind of scared as sore muscles is a symptom of corona. :D Then I quickly tried if I can smell something and taste food before I remembered that oh yeah, I exercised.

Currently I have done it for... three days. xD What a dicipline, right! I am not expecting any big changes, but I just think that moving my body a little is a good thing.

I have tried doing some yoga as well, but I just am too unmotivated to follow along a YouTube video. :S This sucks. I wish I was in a yoga class, where there aren't any distractions and where I don't have other option than to follow along. At home, there have been many times where I have started a video, but in 5 minutes I pause it and turn it off, because I don't feel like it. So yeah, I don't really have much motivation, haha.

In general the motivation aspect kind of sucks, I don't see it increasing. I thought that maybe it helps if I go back to the office, but currently it has been the same. But it is the first official workday this year (I am writing this on 4th of January) and I don't know how things will go. I don't really feel this "new year new me" thing.

I got some really nice comments on my post complaining about having nothing to do. Regards this I think that I really need to pick up some hobbies again. But I am too lazyyyyyy. How can a person be this lazy?! Or I don't know. It is always easier to say that ah I will do it later, ah I will do it tomorrow etc. And then tomorrow never comes. It was the same with my eating disorder at first, I always thought about tomorrow. Finally I am here though. :D We shall see, maybe at one point I do end up picking up some hobbies again. A person can dream.

Haha, I started this post as a fitness influencer, but now it has become just some whining on my part. :D I will try to be better. Anyway with fitness, I will try to follow these exercises at least for a month. Then this is kind of an accomplishment, as it was with the stretching routine I did.

Right now it is sixth day and some other muscles have become sore now. :D I added some exercises, so that's why. Also recently I haven't really been walking outside, but I want to move. It is also nice to make a list of exercises on yoru own, because then you can mix them up etc.

It is kind of funny that my cat is super confused when I get down on all fours and start doing the pushups. He always comes and stares at me and sometimes lays down UNDER me. I don't know, he must like a roof made out of a person, haha. :D

Yesterday I was like, I am too lazy to do it, but then I remembered it is only 5th day and I am not about to give up. :D But regarding this - maybe I have reached my limit. But at the same time I want to reach at least 30 (currently it is 15). Then this would be of some use.

Anyway yes, moving yourself a little seems to be a good thing. And what is also nice - I don't have to do everything at once. Like on one day I warmed up some food in the microwave and during this time I added some exercises, right there in the kitchen. You have to be clever! :D

Ideally I would keep this habit up all year. It doesn't take much time, it is healthy and nice. And then every month I could see my progress. Like do the exercises get easier or do I see or feel a difference. This very mild sore muscle pain is actually nice as well! But I don't want to get obsessed with these exercises. I don't want to think that it is a catastrophe when I don't do them on one day. But I will try to last at least for January.

What I also wanted to write about is that me and my friend had a pizza night. And it was sooooo difficult. Weight played a huge role in it, because the number was a lot bigger on that day. And then I thought about skipping lunch or not having breakfast etc. But I made this yoghurt bowl thingy for breakfast and had some proper food during lunch. And I also had snacks. And after the pizza I had some sweets as well. So yeah, I kind of got over it. But on the next morning the weight was up even more and it is really bothering me. For some time I was okay with it, but this comment my coworker made is still on my mind and I just feel very negative in general.

But! Of course we ordered from this Mega Good Pizza place. Mexican pizza and Thai pizza, on which we changed sundried tomatoes into vöner (vegan kebab). I have never ordered from a place as much than I have from there. Also the pizzas tasted amazing. Honestly. I will never stop hyping them up. And then me and my friend thought that we should have a pizza night every month or something. And get pizzas from new places.

In general the night was really cool. We got to talk about things that connect us, have some pizza and drink Pepsi Max lime of course. Perfect combination. After that we went to walk around for a bit, also stopped at the store. I wanted to get Biscoff, but it wasn't in stock. At least I got those gingerbread butter cookies I am yet to ry.

Anyway, regarding the pizzas, I have ordered them many times with my other friend. And even if he says that he hasn't eaten all day, he never finishes one. I don't understand. Because honestly, as soon as I finish, I feel like I could have another one and also top it off with a kilo of ice cream. I just crave everything all the time. Also on yesterday evening I felt full, but I still wanted to have something. I just like the act of eating. Then I watched some TV and ate. A lot.

Oeh, I don't know. When will things normalize for me?

I have been thinking what I would like my first evening in my OWN FLAT to be. It has been in my mind for years and I have hoped that this time comes. And it did. It is now.

Actually right now (on Sunday evening) it is not my first evening here, but kind of is. Yesterday my parents were in Tallinn and just left around 9pm, because we had so much to do. But now, coming back to today.

I would like to have pizza. The proper takeaway one. And have some sparkling wine. Talk to someone, sit on the floor on the carpet and just be, listen to the music (for example right now Christmas songs are playing) and endoy the peace that comes with YOUR OWN HOME.

And this is what my roday is like. I am waiting for a mate and I have sparkling wine in the fridge. I have ordered two vegan pizzas and... I am smiling. I just discovered this. :D I have been super stressed out about  the pizza all day and I even wrote to my friend, asking if we are really going to order it (they said that if it is too difficult, we don't have to) but... as we can see, we are doing it. :D And I am smiling and looking at my small Christmas tree and at my big TV and I am thinking I am going to lit a candle soon.

Basically yesterday and moving day was SUPER difficult. My parents were supposed to come by 9 am and we had to take stuff downstares by this time already (moving from fifth floor to fifth floor is NOT FUN BTW). And then we had half of the bags and boxes downstairs, when my mum wrote that something is broken in the car. And that we cancel the moving. They were literally 30 kms away from Tallinn. My heart dropped and I felt like crying. We started to carry all the stuff back upstairs. And I thought that okay, I will take some things and still go to the new place, because I didn't want to waste the whole day. I looked at the bus times and got my things together and was about to go when my mum wrote, saying the car was fixed and they are coming. We just had to take the stuff downstairs AGAIN. I couldn't believe it!!!

With this, I would also like to say a big thank you to my friends who IMMEDIATELY contacted me and offered help. I cried a little and sent you some hearts. I felt a lot better.

Anyway, we still had to carry all the stuff. And it really felt like it will never be done. There were so many bags and boxes and I just have too much stuff! My home cleaning challenge was a big fat fail. :D In the end I just threw everything into bags and boxes. Honestly, moving is not as pretty and glamorous as movies make it out to seem! It's a trick!

We finally managed to get most of the things downstairs when my parents arrived. My dad started to load up the car and me, sister and mum carried rest of the things down as well. It took a loooong time.

Then we rested for a bit, made some coffee and headed to my new flat! I was really anxious, thinking that maybe my parents' don't like my new place, but they were really happy with my decision. It felt so good! As soon as we managed to get stuff upstairs (now it is Monday and my muscles are so sore. :D) we moved on and went to some furniture stores, because I had a goal to get a sofa. But it seemed to be impossible.

We went to several places, in one I already picked stuff out, but then something happened and we didn't get the things. Then we went to have some lunch and I had wrap with vegan kebab and it was AMAZING, honestly! Then after this we went to IKEA for a moment and then headed to Rug. And there I found the love of my life!

We picked a sofa out and at first it seemed that the corner is on the wrong side, but it could be changed! We had to drive to pick it up from the warehouse and they were already closed but someone was still there and waited for us, yay! :D It felt soooo good. Also got a TV and vacuum cleaner. Then we went back to my place, my parents started to carry the sofa upstairs and me and my sister went to buy food and other things.

We finally had some dinner, my parents set the sofa up and I did some unpacking. And then finally I spent my evening in the flat alone and just enjoyed being there, silence... I turned the TV on thought and it felt not so lonely. It was so nice.

And then it was Sunday. During the day I went to some stores with my best friend, got some things for the flat and stuff. Then I went home, went to see another flat with my sister and we are finally back to my pizza night challenge.

It was nice. Fantastic. Exactly how I imagined it to be. :D I got my pizza, I got my prosecco, I got my company. The TV was playing, we sort of watched it. Just enjoyed being. Went to see all the rooms several times. :D It was just so nice, sitting and talking. And then my friend was like, hey, can we see all the rooms one more time. It felt so nice. Like, someone is just as excited for me as I am?!

Anyway yes. Now on Monday morning while writing this I am thinking that all the calories were worth the perfect evening. And I don't know, I think I explained here how this flat seemed too good for me? Well, I am just genuinelt happy now!

I still need the new TV stand, I want a shelf and table. My dad is probably coming on Friday and then we can organize these things. :)

Also I will start with the new challenge. From the first of January I am trying to become full vegan, but starting from my move, I have decided not to buy any animal products at all. But if I go out or someone offers me something, I will still have milk and eggs. I will just generally try not to have them though. :D We shall see how it goes. Like yesterday it was 100% vegan day and I didn't feel like missing out at all, it was really cool.

So these are the recent stories from my. I am so excited. My weight had gone up, but I almost forgot it right away to be honest. :D

But anyway, time to have some fresh pastries and coffee at work!

The fact that I haven't written about challenges in a while does not mean that I am not challenging myself. I have, so much. Every day is a challenge for me and this in a literal sense of the word.

For example it was a challenge for me when I made salad for myself and my sister and I picked a fish that had 30 calories more than the other one. During these kind of moments I need to write or tell it to someone. So I sent my sister a message, saying that you know what I did? I picked an ingredient with more calories. And then she replied with well done and that it has to be like this and it helped me.

For example it was a challenge for me when my coworker offered me a candy and I accepted it in addition to my regular snacks and meals. It was a really nice chocolate truffle and I am glad I had it, but when I was about to do this, I was really stressed. I felt guilty. But it was good and I enjoyed it.

For example for ime it was a challenge to finally add shredded coconut to my porridge. This pack had been in my cupboard for like two weeks, and I FINALLY used them. And it was so good. Amazing. I don't know why I was so scared. The taste is much more important than the fear. :D

For example it was difficult for me when I wanted to make pizza at home. I thought about this the whole day, considering other options. Something with no dough, something that had less calories but would still be tasty... and then I tried to convince myself that it is okay and I need to gain weight and I need to have more calorific things. And it was really difficult. Until the moment I actually started cooking. I motivated myself with the fact that I already had the ingredients and I needed to use them, I can't waste them, I have spent money on them. This seems to help me in general - when I buy something, I KNOW I need to have it as well.

For example it has been really difficult when I haven't walked enough. If I walk less than ten thousand steps. Immediately I get guilty emotions and I feel really shit in general. I keep thinking that I need to go for a walk, need to do something, need to act. It doesn't even matter if I have walked more the previous day and it should average out to be 10k. Nope. Every day I need to pass 10k steps. But... I have not done it on purpose.I have walked less and less. Even on this pizza day I walked less. And not like a few steps less, but a few thousand steps less. And after this it became easier. The next day I already thought that it doesn't matter if I don't reach the goal. It doesn't matter how much I walk. The fact that I walk 7000 steps instead of 10 000 doesn't make me gain crazy amount of weight.! This doesn't work like this, even though my eating disorder tells me it does.

For example it has been a challenge when on some mornings - like today - my weight is up by a kilo. But this is weird too. When I last gained 300 grams I felt a lot shittier than gaining 1 kg. :D I mean, this won't all stick, but I was surprised at myself. I was just like "okay then".

I had this difficult period and I couldn't handle things well for a while. And now I have finally found this "I don't care"-Signe again, who is happy to exist.

For example sometimes it is a challenge to take cafe latte in a cafe with someone. I have written about this before - there is milk and lots of it and I should just pick normal coffee with little milk! Sometimes, during my darkest times, I have thought about having black coffee, but I just can't handle it. Milk coffee and me - we belong together.

For example it is a challenge when my sister eats less than me. Today is a good example - I went to the store for her and got her chicken salad or something. And randomly my eyes went to the nutrition label and I saw immediately that it was less than my lunch. And then I got these thoughts that I shouldn't have more than her. What the heck - I can't eat more than others?! If someone has a spoonful of rice, will I start to count the rice grains, because no, I can't have more than them? This is stupid.

For example it is a challenge for me when I go out to eat with someone and the other person leaves some food. I immediately think that they must "save calories", even though this is the last thing in their mind probably? They just doesn't want more, they are full, they don't find it tasty enough - these are more normal reasons for it. I am the one who thinks that they must save calories. And then the next thought is that I should probably leave some too, because god forbid I have some more. And at the same time I keep thinking that "how can they leave this food behind, aren't they hungry?" Because I almost always want to have everything and more.

For example it is a challenge for me to have a drink with my food that is not water or tea. For example having a cocktail, juice, milk or something like that. It seems so unnecessary, even thought it may be good...

Anyway yeah, my days are filled with challenges. Every moment that is related to food is a challenge. And even during the moments I am not eating, I am still thinking about food. I keep thinking about rules and I keep feeling "fat" or I just keep talking down to myself, saying I am greedy and have too much food. Or there is just this regular guilt.

It is quite difficult to exist like this. :D