The fact that I haven't written about challenges in a while does not mean that I am not challenging myself. I have, so much. Every day is a challenge for me and this in a literal sense of the word.

For example it was a challenge for me when I made salad for myself and my sister and I picked a fish that had 30 calories more than the other one. During these kind of moments I need to write or tell it to someone. So I sent my sister a message, saying that you know what I did? I picked an ingredient with more calories. And then she replied with well done and that it has to be like this and it helped me.

For example it was a challenge for me when my coworker offered me a candy and I accepted it in addition to my regular snacks and meals. It was a really nice chocolate truffle and I am glad I had it, but when I was about to do this, I was really stressed. I felt guilty. But it was good and I enjoyed it.

For example for ime it was a challenge to finally add shredded coconut to my porridge. This pack had been in my cupboard for like two weeks, and I FINALLY used them. And it was so good. Amazing. I don't know why I was so scared. The taste is much more important than the fear. :D

For example it was difficult for me when I wanted to make pizza at home. I thought about this the whole day, considering other options. Something with no dough, something that had less calories but would still be tasty... and then I tried to convince myself that it is okay and I need to gain weight and I need to have more calorific things. And it was really difficult. Until the moment I actually started cooking. I motivated myself with the fact that I already had the ingredients and I needed to use them, I can't waste them, I have spent money on them. This seems to help me in general - when I buy something, I KNOW I need to have it as well.

For example it has been really difficult when I haven't walked enough. If I walk less than ten thousand steps. Immediately I get guilty emotions and I feel really shit in general. I keep thinking that I need to go for a walk, need to do something, need to act. It doesn't even matter if I have walked more the previous day and it should average out to be 10k. Nope. Every day I need to pass 10k steps. But... I have not done it on purpose.I have walked less and less. Even on this pizza day I walked less. And not like a few steps less, but a few thousand steps less. And after this it became easier. The next day I already thought that it doesn't matter if I don't reach the goal. It doesn't matter how much I walk. The fact that I walk 7000 steps instead of 10 000 doesn't make me gain crazy amount of weight.! This doesn't work like this, even though my eating disorder tells me it does.

For example it has been a challenge when on some mornings - like today - my weight is up by a kilo. But this is weird too. When I last gained 300 grams I felt a lot shittier than gaining 1 kg. :D I mean, this won't all stick, but I was surprised at myself. I was just like "okay then".

I had this difficult period and I couldn't handle things well for a while. And now I have finally found this "I don't care"-Signe again, who is happy to exist.

For example sometimes it is a challenge to take cafe latte in a cafe with someone. I have written about this before - there is milk and lots of it and I should just pick normal coffee with little milk! Sometimes, during my darkest times, I have thought about having black coffee, but I just can't handle it. Milk coffee and me - we belong together.

For example it is a challenge when my sister eats less than me. Today is a good example - I went to the store for her and got her chicken salad or something. And randomly my eyes went to the nutrition label and I saw immediately that it was less than my lunch. And then I got these thoughts that I shouldn't have more than her. What the heck - I can't eat more than others?! If someone has a spoonful of rice, will I start to count the rice grains, because no, I can't have more than them? This is stupid.

For example it is a challenge for me when I go out to eat with someone and the other person leaves some food. I immediately think that they must "save calories", even though this is the last thing in their mind probably? They just doesn't want more, they are full, they don't find it tasty enough - these are more normal reasons for it. I am the one who thinks that they must save calories. And then the next thought is that I should probably leave some too, because god forbid I have some more. And at the same time I keep thinking that "how can they leave this food behind, aren't they hungry?" Because I almost always want to have everything and more.

For example it is a challenge for me to have a drink with my food that is not water or tea. For example having a cocktail, juice, milk or something like that. It seems so unnecessary, even thought it may be good...

Anyway yeah, my days are filled with challenges. Every moment that is related to food is a challenge. And even during the moments I am not eating, I am still thinking about food. I keep thinking about rules and I keep feeling "fat" or I just keep talking down to myself, saying I am greedy and have too much food. Or there is just this regular guilt.

It is quite difficult to exist like this. :D