I Won't Quote

Again I don't have any idea what to write about, but I thought I will jot down something about my last few days. Like for example on Saturday my parents and grandma came over, because the latter really wanted to see our own homes.

At first I had MAX stress over them coming, because I am just tired. I have a vacation and I just want to be and not talk to anyone and I keep worrying ahead. But it was actually kind of nice. Luckily they didn't stay for too long either, because it takes a wile to drive back to Viljandi and I could enjoy my evening, which consisted of me going to the store. :D At least I could walk a bit.

At first we met up at my sister's place, I started cooking in the morning of course. Actually I woke up at 6 am already, even without an alarm and then at half past eight I went to the gym. :D I knew that there weren't going to be many people and I thought I can try out all the machines. I did, at the moment my arms and back are a bit sore, but it feels nice. I am so proud of myself that I finally started using the weights and stuff, it was really fun. And made me feel really good.

And then around 8:30 I left the gym and went home to cook. At sister's place, I prepared some chacutterie boards for snacking and I also made dinner, because we were supposed to come and have it at my place.

Everyone wew like WOW, when they saw what I had prepared and all the things were eaten (mostly thanks to me). :D It was nice to chat and just sit around. I have a lot of moments where I am really stressed in advance and when the even happens, everything is different and normal. Of course I overate a little, but I knew that would happen as well.

Only picture I took during the eating. Soy mince with tomato sauce and all the other good things.

Then at one point I came home and prepared the salad, before others came over. We looked through my flat and I got such nice cups from my grandma! She said that as I drink a lot of tea, she thought about giving me mugs. :D And I also got some money, as I really need to get a new oven. I have already picked out the one I want. :) I really am looking forward to being able to properly bake, my gas oven just burns the food. At the moment I can use my air fryer when I need to make something, so I am not in that much hurry, but still, I would like to get a proper oven as well. Especially because I am planning to live in this flat for a long time. And I can't wait to bake bread again too, not to mention make cakes sometimes. For work or when someone is coming over.

On Sunday I wanted to go to the gym at 8 in the morning and I had my alarm set, but I just left it at that. I had one cocktail too much last night and I was so tired and felt awful, so I just stayed in bed for 4 more hours, doing nothing.

And I thought that... these days after overeating are actually nice. Because I finally don't feel hungry when I wake up and I could not have any food for the whole day. Of course I had breakfast, lunch and dinner still, because I knew I had to eat, but I wasn't constantly thinking about food for a change. It usually is on my mind constantly and it is really annoying. I don't even know if I like food, I just like the process of eating. It is part of my day. I usually always watch something and just eat. I don't know, will I ever get rid of this addiction? Don't normal people want to snack ALL the fucking time?

I talked to a friend about having a food addiction. There are people who like food and then there are us - to quote - freaks. This is so true. :D At the moment I have found myself some other things to do and people to hang out with, so my focus has changed a bit. But I still think about wanting to be at home for 90% of the time when I am with someone. This is not okay. I feel really bad about it, but I can't... help it.

And now, coming back to food - I just went to the store and discovered a new sugar free lemonade. It tastes like the old classic, I had to get it. :D It was really good (I also got some vegan ice cream).

I haven't really done anything with my vacation, I have met a few friends and that's about it. I really enjoyed Friday, because I had zero things I needed to do, so I was my own boss. I didn't feel the pressure of being somewhere or doing something. I don't like watching the clock and thinking oh now I have to go somewhere or whatever. I always keep thinking about "oh I need to get going in two hours". And then one etc. I feel like it ruins my whole day.

I am weird like this - every time when I have to meet someone, I tell people they should warn me 3-5 working days in advance, so I could mentally prepare myself. But when the time comes, I still don't want to do anything. Also I prefer doing things in the mornings, I feel like I am getting rid of the responsibility and I can plan rest of the day myself.

And all in all, I would actually like if people were like "let's do something right now". Then I don't have to feel this "I have to get going soon" emotion, which is really tiring for me. I don't know, I just can't find the middle path, I don't know what to do. I used to think I wanted to be more spontaneous, but then at the next moment I am against it again. Maybe it could be a good new challenge? Where I don't plan anything and just go with the flow. But at the same time I can't tell my friends that hey, I am having this challenge today, please ask me out or something. That would be planning. :D Õõõh. My life is not interesting as well so there aren't many things happening.

At the moment when I am writing this post, it is Sunday evening and I am going to the cinema soon. I want to go, but at the same time I am thinking of I want to stay hoooome. Like, I don't know. :D And it is also true that when I am making plans, I am excited, but I don't want to go through with them. Annoying as fuck.

For tomorrow I have a plan, for Tuesday as well (I am getting rid of my braces!), for Wednesday as well, for Thursday and Friday and Saturday as well... It is actually tiring. :D I think that I need to cancel something, because I feel like I need my own time as well. :D But I am always afraid that if I say I can't go somewhere, the person or people don't ask me to come the next time. Because they think I will cancel again. Psychologist keeps telling me that it is fine, but I think it is still a problem, because I want to cancel things EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then I just suffer, to make other happy. And I understand I need to force myself sometimes, because otherways I couldn't get anything done. But likeeeeeee. Do I need to move into the mountains, take a sheep and two chickens and then hike all day? It actually does sound like a dream. :D

This is why I kind of liked corona time and lockdown, because I didn't have any responsibilities. I could just say "I don't dare at the moment" and everyone accepted it, haha. But I know this kind of thing sucks. I just, yeah, feel really depressed recently. Even though I know all the things that are coming up are actually nice. In theory. Often it is also the opposite - I don't want to do something, then I still follow up on it and instead of having fun I just suffer. I would like to be someone who likes hanging out with others, walk around and do things, I want not to stress over everything. I can't wait to see my psychologist, because I have a feeling I need to talk about this with her. Like what do I need to do?

I feel like crying writing this. Like honestly. I feel so uncomfortable and disgusting and heavy, I just want to go to bed and not think about anything. Maybe it is depression that is telling this. My dad also surprised me yet again: you have a depression because you don't get enough vitamin D. Not like I take it every day. And spend so much time in the sun. Or eat foods with vitamin D, right...

Anyway yes, I don't know. I am trying and trying to write my thoughts down here, but it is not too successful. Only things that offer me something are going to the gym, walking around and eating, but like, I can't keep living like this. :D Even though I would do only these things. And sometimes blog.

I kind of think I would like to do some free work for smeone. Share something in my blog. Try out some products. Write music reviews. But at the same time I can see these posts are not doing that well. Food related posts are doing the best. :D But if I write about music, I get so few clicks and I would like to share more what you would like to see.

I should take on another long challenge like I did with the tea. For example cheeses. I could write about 100 different cheese. Or... sodas, energy drinks. Or something like that. Porridge. Are there 100 different types of porridge? Maybe I should try it. :D At the moment I have three different porridges at home, so if you would like to read about porridge, let me know. Even though it would really take a long time, because it takes a while to get through a bag. Even if I have it every morning. Or maybe I could write about cereal? My latest obsession...

I would like to be a cat. Motu is sleeping here next to me and he doesn't have any worries. Good dry food, he is getting canned food two times a day, he has water and sometimes gets cat milk as well... he is happy to play with tapestry, if he wants to work out, he just runs around a little, climbs on the wall, he has a soft cat bed, there are a lot of blankets everywhere... amazing, isn't it? Why can't I be a cat?

Or a dog! I am afraid of dogs, but just think how nice they have it. They can go for walks for hours, people take pictures of them, passer bys say that they look super cute and there is no laziness or such. Anyway, I will talk about this to my doctor when I next see her.

Went to see Cruella at the cinem, it was quite good. I haven't been to the cinema in over two years. It was nice for a change. Now I am going to the cinema again. I will see if I add anything here later or not. Or tomorrow morning. It depends on how tired I am, because I would like to sleep now already...

And like, I don't know. I don't want to tell how I felt at the cinema yesterdy. Because it sucked. Movie was good, but I suck. I just cannot. I want to vanish, because then I wouldn't have to cancel plans or just be. At the moment I feel like I want to throw my router out from the window, break my phone and just be alone until the end of my vacation.

I didn't really even think about doing this challenge, because I am more of a sweets person. But then I was wondering what I could do for one day and decided to try this challenge after all. Besides, if I am completely honest, I grew tired of my morning porridge for a change. :D I think starting from the next day I will be back at it, but I still gave it a shot. Besides, I love a good challenge.

Breakfast

I thought about it for a long time. I Googled so many recipes, but finally I was like... I can just make something simple. So I made some scrambled eggs with mushrooms and cheese. And I got SUPER full. I made the scramble with four eggs, because I didn't really have anything on the side and I wanted to be well fed. It was good. :D Also interesting that when I have my sweet porridge in the mornings, I am always like, okay, this is done, when is it lunch again. :D But at the moment I am just really full.

Had some pickles on the side. Because sometimes I get these cravings for pickles or sauerkraut or something like this and I had this in the fridge luckily this time.

Of course I had it with a lot of ketchup and mayo, because withput these things it is not possible to have eggs. :D Unless you use eggs to top your sandwiches, but even then I often add mayo.

Anyway, it was super strange. During eating I thought that I wish I had made porridge, but at the same time it was still nice as well. My vacation also just started and I slept in a little, it was nice to make something more interesting for breakfast. I thought about many things, like savoury pastries and bagels and everything, but I didn't want to spend THAT much time on making breakfast.

We shall see how long I stay full, but I have a feeling it will be quite a bit. :D

And then at one point I started getting ideas about missing lunch, because I was still full and I had a lot of snacks planned and my weight was higher this morning, but at the same time I wondered why. What was the point? I need to eat anyway and I need to gain some more weight and get my period back.

It was surprising that when I stepped on the scale and saw a bigger number, I thought that who even cares. It is just a number. So sometimes there are days like this and I feel like these are coming to me more and more and it is amazing.

Now I should do something useful, for example go for a walk, but at the moment I feel kind of... tired. I am full and I am wondering that maybe I will instead have another coffee and postpone going for a walk... but I would like to get some steps in, because later I am going to get my vaccine and I want to have my lunch at peace. And I can't be without walking at the same time.

Today would be a good day to start some step challenge, as I am writing this post on the first of June. But at the same time I can't be bothered. I don't want this walking to become an obsession again, I have been trying to get rid of this habit. Like, I guess I still walk more than a normal person, but at least I don't feel like I NEED to hit a step goal every frigging day. I am doing another challenge at the minute as well though that has something to do with steps, haha. :D But we shall see when I finish it, as it doesn't really have an end date.

It is weird to be at home while others are working. I just checked the time and thought that it is in the middle of our meeting and I am sitting at home, having coffee and just chilling. Me and my best friend usually send each other outfit pictures and when she sent me one this morning, I was like... why is she going to work on Saturday, hahaha. :D

On Wednesday she is coming to my place, we are ordering some food and something. Yesterday it was really tough day mentally, even though it went well at work etc. I managed to write a lot of analytical text and my boss was really pleased, it was nice.

I should actually do some more studying, because time is flying by and soon I need to apply to the uni... should look up when it is exactly.

Talking more about food, I think today will be perfect day of eating. Enough protein, fats and carbs. I haven't counted the calories, but it seems to be a day where I have enough of all macros, though the snack ruins it a little. :D

I have been thinking about posting more about what I eat in a day? Would it be helpful or would it make you compare yourself to me and make you feel guilty? I have both emotions when I see posts like this - sometimes it is good to see what others are having and you get some good ideas, but if someone eats very little, I immediately think that oh no, I am having too much of something. I will think about it more. Or I don't know, I should make similar challenge as today's again. But now I don't know what is next, spicy foods? :D Why not... though I am afraid my taste buds would be like Signe what the fuck are you doing, haha. :D

I finally managed to translate some posts to my English blog, even though I am still very much behind. But I have more readers in my Estonian blog. Though there are some people who read this as well and they say I write well, though I have my doubts... I don't really have any plans for my post, I just write down whatever I am thinking about. So this is why my style is really jumpy, from one topic to other. :D

There is another challenge I would like to do - 24 hours without social media. It sometimes makes me really stressed and anxious. Especially when I open my FB messenger and there are several new messages from several people. I don't want to be rude and not answer, but sometimes it is just too much and I don't want to deal with it. I just don't want to communicate. I feel like recently there have been so many social events and I am tired, I need some SPACE. Both in my life and in my head. So maybe today I will ignore people more. But well, maybe I should have warned them in advance, haha. :D But as my psychologist said, it is fine not to answer or read the message right away.

It really bothers me when I am listening to the music and walking and someone writes to me - I get annoyed at the notification. And then I feel like I need to answer etc. Annoying.

But okay, I managed to write down everything about breakfast, let's wait for lunch now. Even though I am still really full.

Lunch

For lunch I made tomato-basil soup and on the side I had rye bread with herbed butter. Of course my first thought was to skip the bread, but then I was like - soup alone is so sad. So I had it as well. I had a piece of seeded rye bread left, I toasted it and it was really good.

Actually by the time I had food, I wasn't even hungry yet, like, at all. But I still thought that it is the right time to eat.

I had an energy drink as well. My friend got me addicted and now a day doesn't pass when I don't have it. This sucks, especially because my Coke and Pepsi addiction is also very real still. But I only had one coffee on this day, so it was fine considering.

I would have liked posting this all to Instagram during the day, but I held myself back, because I didn't want to give clue what challenge I am doing. :D But yeah, when I added up all the calories I ate, it was a lot over what I spent.

Dinner

For dinner I made mayo salad with salmon and ginger. I really love pickled ginger, I could literally have it with any food. Pizza with ginger? Why not. Even to my breakfast porridge I usually add grounded ginger, because I just love it so much.

I remember that once a long time ago my aunt gave me ginger in sugar coating and I thought it was the most disgusting thing ever - oh how times have changed. :D

Anyway dinner was very good and each time I make this salad I feel like a rich person. :D Salmon is not cheap at all. I also had a lot of salad, I usually buy a bag with 120-150 grams of leaves, add a whole container of cherry tomatoes, whole bell pepper and whole cucumber. Then I mix it all with mayo, add some seasonings and top it with salmon and ginger. This is probably one of my favourite meals and it is super fast and easy to make. And I think it is delicious. I love all kinds of salads in general.

As a snack, or, well, dessert, I had a bag of Estrella cheese flavoured crisps. The proper ones. I am always reminded by my childhood when I have them, we ALWAYS ate them with the family while watching a movie or when I played school with my sister. But this time the whole bag was mine and you bet I finished everything. :D I can't open a thing and then not have it all. I thought about making a combination of different crisps, like a plate of three or something, but it was just a thought.

I also had a whole big bottle of Fanta Zero, because I really wanted it and it was on sale. So I had a very yellow snack. :D

At first, when I told my sister about this challenge idea, she recommended me to have savoury drinks as well - savoury mineral water etc. She even looked up savoury cocktails like Bloody Mary, which I, in fact, have never tried. :D I would kind of like to try it, even though I hate tomato juice. But I would like to try everything once. :D

I had a lot of guilty emotions, because I didn't have an appetite, I was just so full. And then on the next day when I stepped on the scale, I had gained a whole kilo. Only now when I am writing this I am thinking that it was probably because of salt - it makes you retain water.

In general this was quite a fard challenge for me, because I really wanted watermelon or grapes, but if I do a challenge, I won't back off. So I finished the challenge without cheating.

Now today is Wednesday and my best friend is coming over. I am really stressed over food. I have been eating well - two meals and some snacks, but I KNOW tonight is going to be bad. At first I had a plan of making falafels in the air fryer, and fries, but I wanted another challenge and we decided to have a pizza from a place called VIBEZ that is super close to my flat. And we will have a few drinks too.

I don't know yet what I am going to take, there are so many things I want. But at the same time I am not even hungry, so I don't want anything at all. I had lunch a bit too late, but I wanted to walk around a little to calm myself down from the higher weight I saw this morning.

Also yesterday I got my first vaccination, Pfizer. I booked the first time I could and I had to go to the other side of Tallinn for it. But it was nice. :D Doctors and nurses and everyone were super sweet and adorable.

So, here are our pizzas. I got herbivore pizza and my best friend had ch-ch-cheese pizza. Both were really good, and we were lucky, as we liked out own ones the best.

It is weird to be on a vacation and blog, I keep forgetting I need to post. But now it is done. :D

Tomorrow my parents and grandma are coming to Tallinn to have a housewarming party with us. I am going to make food and all this. I am a bit stressed over it. Lately I have very hard time mentally. And today is the first day when I don't have any plans. But it is so freeing. I don't have to do anything or meet anyone or go anywhere. I would like to have more days like this during my vacation, but oh well, tomorrow is already "ruined". I am gain at the spot that my psychologist calls worrying ahead, but what can I do. I really about 80% of the time worry about the future. And then 15% I think about the past and then there is only 5% left for the present...

Before I review the vegan products, I wanted to write about... Stephanie Buttermore.  Honestly, if I could get an euro each time someone with an eating disorder talks about her, I would be super rich.

Her theory and logic is that if you go all in during your recovery, eat as much as you want, whatever you want and don't restrict, then your body reaches it's natural set point, you won't gain any more weight and it becomes stable and all that.

But is it like that? I mean, there are A LOT of dangerously overweight people in the world. Is this their set point then? They need to be morbidly obese? Like people in those my 600 lbs life show etc. Are they meant to be like this? They shouldn't be healthy?

Aslo sge breaches eating whatever you want. Like, in theory I like this idea. That I can have pizza, a bag of crisps, ice cream, sweets, chocolates, peanuts etc. But... it will bring a lot of problems. Firstly, well... you don't get enough vitamins and minerals etc. If you only have cereal, 10 bags of crisps and cheese then I don't know, it is not very balanced.

Yes, I eat quite a lot of junk food, but if you follow me on Instragam or somewhere, you probably also have noticed I eat quite a bit of vegetables and fruits and stuff.

Also honestly I do not believe she lost all that weight "naturally", because her body understood it was safe and did it automatically. And I don't think her apetite went down. :) I just don't, sorry if you do. Like... try this technic if you want to. But I just think that... it makes no sense, sorry. :D Considering her past and how she has always fooled her audience, saying oh look I eat so much and never gain any weight... and then later coming out saying sorry I really restricted to make those 10 000 calorie cheat days... I think you understand where I am going with it. :D

And no, I don't think her message is all bad. During recovering from an eating disorder (also she has never said she has or had one) you NEED to gain weight and it is OKAY to eat junk food and eat as much as you want to. But this rest of the logic about set point weight and stuff is what bothers me. And all this lying and things she has done in the past. I think it is super problematic. And I have a feeling if anyone tries this, they will end up massively overweight and think why it didn't work for them. And Buttermore can say hey, sorry, your set point is just high. She has made herself clear.

But yeah, in general I let you decide for yourself, I just saw another post about her yesterday and I flipped and wanted to get my emotions out. :D I don't know, argue with me if you want to. This is what I believe. :D

But here are all the new vegan products I tried in Estonia in May:

Oatly šokolaadi kaerajook (Oatly chocolate oatmilk)

At the moment I am really addicted to cocoa and chocolate milk coffee, so I am continuing with trying those products. :D I think Alpro used to have one with dark chocolate, but I haven't seen it anywhere recently... :( But this Oatly one was really good. I have been wanting to try it for a while already, but it has more calories than some others. Thus I have been too scared. But now I did it! And it was worth it. It was really nice and creamy and fit perfect for my coffee. It is also good to just drink by itself. Whenever I made coffee, I just sipped a little just by itself as well. :D I think I liked it more than chocolate soy milk. In general very good! 9/10.

Laky kartulikotlett metsaseentega (Laky potato burger with mushrooms)

I think this is my new favourite product by them. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to try it out. I really liked it, even more than the one with cabbage filling. They also now have vegan cabbage rolls, which is my next thing to try. Anyway, nice texture, taste and a good filling meal. 9/10.

Laky kapsarullid köögiviljadega (Laky cabbage rolls with vegetables)

I love cabbage rolls. Especially the ones my Grandma makes, these are so good. Or well, were, when I ate them. I have been to lazy to make them myself though and when I saw a post about this product in Facebook vegan group, I was in heaven. I went to the store three times in order to get them, they were always out of stock. But it was worth it! Honestly, really nice. Seasoned super well. A bit greasy, but it didn't bother me really. I am not so scared of oil any more! 8/10.

Taffeli kartulikrõpsud rosmariini, tüümiani ja roseepipraga (Taffel postato crisps with rosemary, thyme and pink pepper)

I hate thyme so much and I was really suspicious about this product. But they were in the vegan subscription box. Finally at my birthday I opened them and everyone liked them, me as well. At the same time it wasn't something I would buy myself again. But I am glad I tried them and for example I am a huge fan of rosemary! 6/10.

Bon Soya tofu kroket ürtidega (Bon Soya tocu croquet with herbs)

I had them as a side to potato salad on my birthday and I think they were quite... dry? And not very seasoned. But at the same time they were good with dip and the next day we had them with ketcup and mayo and they were good. Not the worst. :D But if I would get another ball thingies, I would pick falafels or something like that. But for this I would give 5/10, not my favourite, but still edible. :D

Marta Pagari bataadipallid (Marta Pagar sweet potato balls)

I had been wanting to try those for SOOO long, but again, calories were scary. I got them for my birthday party and I loved them though. Others also liked them and they asked what exactly are those. :D Sweet potato is still one of my favourite foods and these were super good. Would definitely get again! 9/10.

Scotti šokolaadi kaerapiim (Scotti chocolate oatmilk)

They only have it in few stores unfortunately. But I really like it, though I think soy milk with chocolate is better than this. But it was nice, creamy and went well with the coffee. Also it is nice to have as hot chocolate. I think it is better than Oatly one though, but who knows. 8/10.

Alpro banaanimaitseline sojajook (Alpro banana soy milk)

I don't know what happened to me, but I decided to have it with coffee... I was tired of all the chocolate, so I thought it was going to be a good idea. It tasted like very artifical banana, but it was just sweet in coffee. I would never buy it again, but at least I have tried it now. 4/10.

Veganic porgandi-kapsa šnitsel (Veganic carrot-cabbage burger)

I hadn't had it in a long time so it was good to try it again. I don't think I have reviewed it previously. I really wanted some vegan burgers and this was really good with mayo and ketchup. I really liked it, but it is a bit pricy. 8/10.

Marta Pagari falafelid (Marta Pagar falafels)

These were amazing. They are frozen and I think they were better than just cold ones, a bit more juicy. These are always dry and need some kind of sauce, but these were just good even without. Usually they are quite expensive though, but I grabbed them during the sale. I would give them 9/10.

I have tried out my air fryer a couple of times by now, but I haven't really made anything elaborate. Even though I would like to try something out. What holds me back is motivation and the fact that I am again kind of stuck with the same meals, meals that are safe. Like I haven't made pasta in a long time, rice is a big fear etc. I don't know, I have these fears again. It is always easier to have salad with salmon or eat a lot of vegetables.

For real, at one point I thought I need to do this alphabet challenge again, because... things are tough. My weight has gone up (yesterday at the psychologist's appointment it was really tough, as she said that I am at the normal weight and should stay there. I guess she meant that I can't let it go down again, but of course to me it sounded like you are normal enough, no more weight gain allowed) and I keep thinking about it. I have reached another goal... It is so sick that even though my goal was to gain weight, I feel like I failed and I need to start doing better. Does it ever end? When can I start living normally and not think about food and calories that much? Does it ever go away? At the moment I feel like it won't. There are some moments when I am eating and thinking that "well, this is food", but there are a few of them. I still can't eat out of the ordinary. Also I still can't eat more than others. So I like to spend time with people who eat as much as I do. xD 

What have I made with my air fryer? For example I got some frozen falafels and heated them up. (I checked their calories just now and I have become upset, because it says less on the package :S.) Anyway, these came out really well. When I have made them in the oven or on the pan, they get all mushy and weird. But in the air fryer they came out to be crispy on the outside and soft on the inside.

Then I also tried making some sweet potato. I took a faw one, cut it in the cubes and threw them in. And omg, they came out perfectly roasted. Just right! I really like it, it is so easy to make them.

I would also like to try and make bagels, I have found several really simple recipes for them, but I feel like there isn't an occasion where I should make them. Because I always have porridge for breakfast and I don't know, not in the mood for bread for lunches and for dinner it seems too small. But maybe I will try them out at some point.

Do you have an air fryer? What have you made with it?

As I just wrote a letter to my eating disorder, I thought I want to write to people that have helped me.

So thank you, if you are reading this blog, sometimes comment on it and think along. My heart wants to jump out of my chest, when I read these words. Every time I get butterflies, when someone leaves a comment. Or if you write to me on Instagram. Honestly, I love you. I don't really have many emotions due to the medication I am on, but on these moments I really do feel something and it is amazing. I never expect anyone to write, so when someone does, this emotion is so real.

Thank you to my best friend who has never pushed anything on me, who has just let me be. Even at the times things were the most difficult, she just asked how I am doing. It is the best thing, no one was able to "make" me better, I had to get here myself. Thank you for letting me do my stupid routines and rituals, thank you that you haven't made all of our get togethers about food and thank you for always listening to me and telling my I am doing good, thank you for saying nice things when I complain about having overeaten. Thank you for being so normal and not letting me disappear into my head. Thank you for asking if something or the other is okay, thank you for just keeping me company and making me think for myself. Thank you for sending me stupid tiktok videos, thank you for sending me pictures and letting me know that living normally is possible. Thank you for showing me I don't need to walk 20 000 steps every single weekend, thank you for helping me learn how to rest. Thank you for not talking only about me but also sharing your own struggles. Thank you for letting me help you as well. Thank you for always supporting my choices, even if you haven't agreed to them. :D Thank you for telling me later that I was sick and fucked up, thank you for always being honest. :D I am unable to express myself better, but I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to my other best friend, because even though you are far away, I can feel your support. Yes, maybe we don't talk that often, but some of my favourite memories include you. :D I remember well when you told me that it is okay to say no and you don't need to explain. Thank you for showing me I can do things just for myself. Thank you for always being there for me, even though you are far, thank you for listening, thinking and talking. Thank you for showing us Japan and making everything be perfect. :D Honestly, talking to you is like breathing fresh air, it is freeing and powerful and nice and amazing.

Thank you to my friend who I can talk about everything, share some pointless new products, talk about whatever. Thank you for writing to me from the hospital, that you supported me coming there and thank you for telling me things that help me keep going. Your classic - who am I being thin for, is worth more than words can describe. :D Thank you for always going for walks with me, listening to me when I have hard time and thank you for always having eating competition with me and thank you for making plans to walk 100 000 steps with me. :D Thank you for being so beautiful and inspiring. God, this is cheesy, but just... it is true. :D

Thank you to my friend who came to visit me in Tartu, even though you live in Tallinn and was there for just a moment. Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you to always agreeing going to cafes with me, thank you for listening and even though we don't talk every day, you are always ready to do this. :D Thank you for making a slide show of your life when we haven't seen for a long time, thank you for the road trip to Viljandi and going to the nature with me, taking pictures and so on. You are worth so much and I hope that when we are both in our 80s, we still go to a bog for a hike. :D

Thank you to my friend who sent me tons of books to the hospital and to who I can rant about my work, thank you for being so careful and brave. Thank you for hosting a PERFECT Harry Potter themed party and thank you for being a physical person with me (inside law joke). :D Thank you for asking if we all are gonna get four leaf clover tattoo in order to remind us about friends. :D

Thank you to my friends who have small kids, but who always find time for me as well, who compliment me, who share their small wins and losses. I would like to remind you that I am always ready to accept kids' pictures and gosh they are so cute! :D Thank you for being good mothers, good friends and good company.

Thank you to my sister who never gets tired of telling me "honey, it is okay", when I complain about eating something that wasn't as delicious and I feel like I wasted calories. Thank you for, even though you are super busy, still sometimes calling, asking me out for a coffee and sharing something nice with me. Thank you for watching stupid series with me, listening to me venting and never get tired of telling me what you had for lunch or dinner. :D

Thank you to my niece who visited me in Tartu a lot, thank you for sharing my excitement of books and who you are such a good company and who you do such fun thins. :D I will never get tired of listening to the stories about your hikes in the forrest, what you ordered from Aliexpress. Thank you for sharing your work stories and being so positive about it. :D You are really inspiring and you make me think and I am so glad we started to talk and see each other again. :D I missed you.

Thank you to my online friends, who I can talk to all the time, who you share your Instagram stories and who I can always write to. :D Lately I haven't talked to many of you, but I know you guys are there, when I need to rant, complain, or share something good. :D

And thank you to everyone else who know what is happening to me, but who you are my little cheerleaders all the time. Thank you for helping me with moving, thank you for wishing me happy birthday, thank you for spending time with me at the psychiatric hospital, thank you for asking me how I am doing and thank you for reading about it, learning about it and Googling about it. :D

Thank you to each and every one of you who I didn't bring out specifically, because every good word, every look, every message is teep in my heart and I think about it a lot. :D Even if we don't talk anymore, thank you. :D Thank you to old friends who have found me, who write to me unexpectedly, but whose messages mean a lot.

So all in all, I am someone who takes everything into heart. I can think days about someone's messages and then I share them with my friends, like omg, xxx wrote to me and said this and that. :D I never keep anything to myself, because sometimes I worry that people turn away from me.

Yesterday at the phychologist I talked about how some people have just gotten rid of me very suddenly and this is why I have a fear of abandonment and I never say no to people and events. This is a serious problem. There is so much fear in me about being left alone, even though life has shown there is ALWAYS someone. :D

Dear lord, this post is SO random. But honestly, challenges are going to return soon, I just really haven't had much time. :D For next one I have a proper plan so I hope I will manage to do this, but if not, you can read about me complaining about binge eating again, so I am saying sorry just in case.

I have thought a lot about this cheat day mentality lately and I have been thinking about eating properly for the six day and then binging out on the seventh. But then I thought that pretty much every day for me is a cheat day. :D Though lately it has been like cheat days and then one EXTREME chear day. So like, usually I eat a few hundred calories more than I burn and then on one day I eat about 1000-2000 calories more. Or even more! :D I don't know, I just can't keep up with normal eating, I always have an ice cream, a bag of chips (or two) and so one, because I am addicted to food. And I just really hate the phrase "cheat day". The same as I don't like someone calling low calorie food guilt free. Because all food is just food, it does not have morality.

I am really upset over one commercial on TV, for healthy ice cream. Like I honestly just cannot. -.- You can see it here (See reklaam siis). And I really like this ice cream. Especially the chocolate banana one, but simply because of this ad I refuse to buy it (it says things like guilt free, fat free = good for you).

I talked to someone on Tinder the other day and about how his is trying to get healthier. And I said that I don't really want to start restrixting anything, because I know where it leads to.

But well, yeah. In this post I mostly wanted to write about my huge cheat day and Eurovision, because...

Watching this has always been my guilty pleasure. And I remember how me and my sister recorded it on TV and then made up some dances to our favourite songs and sang along loudly and wrongly. :D But it has started to become popular again. Which is fun, it is cool to talk to people about it. I was so sad last year it was cancelled.

Me, my sister and her friend ordered some food from Ginger restaurant. And then we discussed like what should we get and they said that maybe we should have two naan breads and I was like... no, everyone needs to have a full one. :D So we got some cheese-garlic naan and it was super good. On some places they are not very cheesy, but it was soooo cheesy there. :D Jahlfrazie Vegan was the dish that I took, it was with tofu. Others decided on Peking chicken and some fish thingy, which I also tried. And everything was really good, I mean it was way better than something like Little India. :D And I haven't had tofu in a long time. On the picture you don't see rice on the third plate, but don't worry, I took some as well, I just wanted to take the picture fast and start eating. :D

Anyway yes, the day started well, I had porridge for breakfast and for lunch I made some omelette with cottage cheese salad and also had an apple. I really wanted to skip a meal(s), but I didn't, because I knew I would overeat if I did. Which I still did.

I mean, I was super full after the meal. It was difficult to finish the naan, but it was so good I just had to... and then my sister had a bag of tortilla chips and a bag of garlic rye bread crisps and I had them all by myself. The others were too full, but I just COULDN'T stop myself. On the moments like this I get this "all or nothing" thought and I keep eating and eating and eating. And then after the Eurovision I went home and thought that I would like to have something else, even though I was feeling sick and physically there was no room for food in my stomach.

On the next morning I wondered if I should have breakfast or not, but I did make porridge in the end. And honestly, I felt so sick and nauseous from food, but I still finished the whole bowl, because it is weird to leave food and I like the eating process. I don't know, what do I have to do to become normal?

Then I went for a walk and legit just strolled around for 4 hours. But I walked quite slow, so it wasn't too many steps. I felt guilty, but not as much as usual. Though I am already stressing about nect week and for the fact I am going to visit a friend and we are going to order food again. :D

My weight had gone up a lot after the Eurovision of course and it ruined my day, it was difficult to deal with myself. I didn't know WHAT to do... I just kept thinking about the last night. Ruminated. My psychologist is definitely proud of me for remembering this word. She said last time that ruminating means when cows are digesting food and it means that you think about what happened a lot, feel guilty and depressed and all kinds of emotions. Usually I am the one who worries about stuff in advance, we did a map where I said that 60% of the time I worry because of the future, then 30% of the time I ruminate and about 10% of the time I am able to be present. She gave me some practice on how to get better at it - but honestly, it didn't help much.

It works like this: you look around and notice 5 red (or any other colour) things and count them. Then you listen to the noises and notice 5 different sounds. There was one more thing which I can't remember at the moment. Anyway, it makes you focus on the present. But yeah, practice definitely helps. And logically it does help, because you come out of your head and see what is happening around you. It is a start to focus back on the future. It is also nice to take a few moments and just breathe calmly, try to empty your mind and walk around in your body, to see where you hold the tension and try and relax these parts of your body. I like that she teaches me stuff like this, because with my last psychologist, I just ranted for an hour and then went home just like that.

But I also wanted to write about the Eurovision songs that I liked and the first one is of course Italy (listen here: ITAALIA) who also won. :D And honestly, it was not my favourite at the beginning, but now I have listened it again and I think it is pretty good. And it is nice to have one of the original countries win.

Next Iceland (listen here:ISLAND), which was my top favourite and who I voted for. :D I wanted the proper Eurovision experience and let myself make a call. They seemed really shy and awkward, but this is what makes Eurovision into Eurovision, they had definitely gotten the memo! A show and everything, proper ESC.

Then I also really liked Lithuania (listen here: LEEDU) who had a proper corona song about how you dance alone at home and make it into a discoteque. :D It was again funny, but I still liked it. It was nice. I already remembered it from the first semi final. Also in general the first semi final was so much better than the second one. But there were a lot of good songs alltogether. Also the voting process was really cool, I liked how they added public's voices at the end, it really made it more exciting. :D

Then... at the moment I can't say I support Israel (listen here: IISRAELI) because of what is happening at the world. Also this song's title in this context sounds so bad. But at the same time I don't want to blame the singer, it is not her fauly. She is just a toy. In general I want to say that I liked this song. But I didn't vote for it and I hoped it didn't do well. But the SONG itself was pretty decent. I just needed to bring this out.

Also very different - I liked Azerbaijan's (listen here: AZERBAIJANI) sond Mata Hari. It had a good beat and it was interesting, very different. I just liked it. :D Can't really comment much on it, but I wanted to mention them.

And finally I would also like to mention Norway (listen here: NORRA), which I really enjoyed. :D And honestly, I could listen to this normally, not like Azerbaijan, Lithuania and Iceland that just fits into Eurovision. This was a good popsong.

From the semi final I remember some more songs that I liked. For example Czech Republic. Also I enjoyed Ukraine and Russia and... well, let's say 80% of the songs were nice. :D It has been a while since we had such a good Eurovision Song Contest. :D

Who were you rooting for? Did you watch and vote? Will you, next year? :D Have you, previously? For a few days now I am going to think about Eurovision a lot, before moving on with my life.

I promise there are new challenge posts coming soon as well, I have some ideas and some that I am doing right now. :D Today I wanted to make one as well, but I was just too tired, I am thinking that maybe next weekend... I will try. I need to plan it out a little more. :D But at the same time next weekend is the one I finally don't have any plans for and I can REST.

Also got a vaccination appointment as well. When they opened the registration for it, I waited for a whole day and they suggested me a time in August on the other side of Estonia. So when they added new time slots on 22nd of May, I set an alarm and woke up at 8:30 am... to finally log in at 11:30. :) Anyway, I will be getting my first jap on 1st of June! I am getting Pfizer, but I am not worried at all, I would be happy with anything, to be fair. I just want it to be done. Wanna feel a little safer and not worry about infecting others. This has been my biggest fear, I am not afraid for myself to be honest.

To conclude, I would say that this weekend flew by so fast and I would like to rest a bit more. I slept a little during the day on Sunday, because I was just super tired. And I also went to bed quite early, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. That's what happens when you get old...

I also wanted to mention that recording the audiobook is going fine, I have recorded at least one chapter every day. I also got feedback in which they said I read very well, this was nice! :) And it is exciting for me as well. :D The most difficult part is pronouncing the names and pleaces, but I think I have managed quite okay. I wonder if I could listen to what I have recorded later on? I tried, to check how the quality was, but it was terrible... :D I can't stand my voice at all.

On Saturday before going to watch Eurovision my sister's friend and I went to some stores and I actually bought CLOTHES. I got quite a few things, so I feel good. And it was nice change, while we were shopping, I didn't even think about food, clothes seemed interesting and I wasn't obsessing over going to food store. Usually this is what happens with me. I could spend hours in food stores, haha. :D 

Anyway, I will keep ruminating and see you next time.