Well  I do not remember making this picture at all, but this was indeed made by me and art therapy teacher packed it to take with me at home. I am sure that at one point I will actually make a post about all the art pieces I created at the hostpital. The art therapy classes were highlights of the days and made me not go totally mad.

I have been at home for less than 24 hours when writing this. I don't understand my feelings, emotions. Because... it is so difficult. Very difficult. I was away for two months and one week; next week will also stil be "away", because I need to see several doctors and run some errands. Need to see my psychiatrist. Have him weigh me.

My weight.... currently the agreement is that my sister will weigh me on Mondays and in case I lose weight, I need to add some amount of calories (like nutridrink/smoothie/peanuts etc). If third and fourth week are still going downhill, she has the right to contact my doctor who will assign me a place in Tartu, at eating disorder facility. We would like to avoid this, thank you very much.

I was saved from it by my last weight in at the hospital. They let me go home, I am still unsure it is right place for me here currently but we will see. I feel very empty inside and I feel like I am not ready to take all this control. At the hospital it felt safer and more comfortable. Everything was at one place, I had to just follow the daily plan; I got to ask for sedatives if I got too upset and so on. Even though they did prescribe it for me to take at home as well, in addition to something that aids with sleep and another thing that is just general "mood-booster".

I guess on Thursday when I see the doctor, it will become clear if I will get more ECT treatment done. Some patients do it like this - go every month to get their brains electricuted.

It did seem to help me. I mean, I have more emotions; I don't feel as empty as I used to. And I also feel a bit lighter in my head. I have had thoughts about actually wanting to do something and maybe life is worth more than just existing from one food time to other. Also, I even am ok with communicating with others. This is new. Maybe I will get to know more new people soon, who knows?

With our group at the hospital we want to meet up soon. We shall see when and if it will work out. Would be nice - we have all gone through the ame thing and we can complain to each other well, and maybe even find happy things to cheer on together.

We will see how things will go. What's next. I wish I could say that I have seen the bottom of this depression and eating disorder and will now climb through everything, but the truth is that it is not exaclty like that. Not at all. I am much less confident than I would like to. And I do not want progress with my eating disorder. I mean, I think I want to get better, but this "want" is not strong enough. Not as strong as it should.

I don't want to gain weight, even when it is for my health. I don't want to walk less. I don't want to not work out. I don't want to. So many contradicting emotions in my head.

What I want is to thank you. You who still handle me, take care of me, and let me rant to you.