I thought that I should probably write down some things related to ECT and recovery, as it has been intense.

So what I did was cried a bit and took my antidepressants and also half of sedative that I was prescribed got these moments. Well, for emergency situations, but today's panic was so awful that it can be considered emergency, no lie.

I felt so strange. I didn't know how else to explain it to my sister than "ECT-weirdness". I contacted a girl who also got the treatment and she assured me, saying we are not going mad and things will get better or more normal soon. We shared music and virtual support. That's why I have added Sondre Lerche's Sentimentalist video here. Also I am glad that I am going to see my psychiatrist on Thursday and can talk to him about the ECT-weirdness too. He was really interested in the treatment and told me about it already a year ago.

Also, if until now I just did not remember going to the cinema and having pizza, then now I just discovered some random souvenirst from my kitchen. I did not know where they came from and why. Silja, dear sister, stared at me as if I had escaped the mental ward and then said that hellooo, these are the things Linda sent you and Gerda.

Well... I believe that ECT side efect is short term memory loss; I have first hand proof regarding. It is a bit scary, but hey, I can check the whole bag of gifts again as if it was the first time I saw them!

I have gotten so many presents, actually. Sade sent me world's greatest coffee, Ingrid gave me a mug, Hannele drew me a picture that was also wrapped and given to me by art therapist. Also there are some friendships that I consider gifts - I am going to meet my mental ward first division crazies on Tuesday and we get to share our ups and downs.

I don't even know.... these 2+ months at the hospital brought me many connections, warmth and securty that I am missing at home. But they also put responsibilities on me. It is difficult.

I don't have to give bullshit here and say that yeah I will work with mysel and I will eat enough, I will recover from my eating disorder and in September I will run another marathon. Ideally it would be like this but real life is different.

I am afraid this will be really tough road, there is going to be a lot of fighting with my head, mind, heart. I don't even want to get better, I don't think. Or well, I want to get better, but I do not want to change. Change is what I am scared of and it is hard to let this fear go. It is like an example, like an excuse. See, I am sick!! You can see that there is physically something wrong as well as mentally. At the same time it is an excuse - I could eat all I wanted. Because if my weight is closer to what it should, then I can't have as much stuff. Can't. I'll become fat.

I need someone to know this and someone who can listen to all of my rants. I feel like I have become such a huge weight for my friends and family (haha, using weight in this sentence...) and I don't know who to talk to, where to find this person. I know that I want to support others from my new friends' group at the hospital. I hope I can do at least this.

Also something else interesting - I started journaling. In addition to having my bullet journal. It is more like a diary, with drawings, letters to or about myself. Many of the girls at the hospital did this. I want to fill this diary with happy things, yet honest things. Bullet journal is like "public version", this would be just for my eyes. Maybe I will share a littel here though; I haven't had a diary for ages and it seems fun. We always met at the dining room at the hospital, an hour before evening snack, to work on those.

What I will share here, is art that I made in art therapy. I will take some pictures today and post it here. I have written down a lot about my eating disorder, about short-term-anesthesia - I feel like I have shared deepest things here already. No reason not to share something now. And besides - it doesn't even matter. I mean... who cares?! Why would I hide my thoughts? I shouldn't. I am not thinking about things that would hurt someone, would be weird etc....? No. I am just sharing whatever is in my head.

Also, everything is written in my Estonian blog too, check the link above!