I have decided to have all these posts available to read without password. Because for example for me, it would have been really beneficial to read someone's experience regarding the treatment.

Today there was 4th session. It is annoying that people are asked to go and get the treatment in living queue - it is impossible to predict what time it takes place. Usually I have been the first one from our department, but this time there was another girl in front of me. It helped me to finally realise how fast it all is done. Under 10 minutes for sure and in 20 you have already woken up.

Last time one girl freaked out and had a panic attack, because side efect of ECT is temporary memory loss / amnesia and she did not remember she was even at the hospital. It was scary. At least there are not cases where memories have not come back eventually.

Today I felt how medicine was injected into my hand and it was really scary to feel my hand and rest of the body to get all numb. Currently I don't remember waking up, but next moment I was in the waiting room, battling panick attack myself. I have been here for such a long time already, and I don't know how long I still have left. It seems that I am really sick person.

The worst part is that I feel guilty for missing work, more than anything. And right now my eating disorder is not the biggest issue, I feel like everything in me is drowning in depression.

I feel a bit better now, even though it took me a while to calm down and I managed to cause a commotion. I have to mention that people in this hospital are really amazing though and I have felt very secure and safe here.

We got back to our building and had breakfast, despite also getting lunch in an hour. My eating disorder is screaming and yelling from the top of it's lungs. I am writing about anorexia as well, it is up in my Estonian blog already.

Anyway, it seems that I will probably get two more times of ECT next week and then I can think about going home. Weirdly, writing the blog has helped me to make peace with being here. Well, except the panic attach I managed to have.

This weekend I can be home on both days from 10 to 19, to see how this will go. I hope everything will be smooth and okay. I feel that I am ready to go home, I would gladly even come to get the treatment from home, I'd have ni problem paying for taxi.

I could fill the papers and discharge myselg, but nurses say that I have come so far already and they seriously care and want to make me eel better before that. I guess this is better than coming back later.

Anyway, I am sure I am one of the most difficult clients here...