I Won't Quote

I wondered what kind of challenge I would like to do and then decided I am a snacker. I prefer snacks to regular meals, maybe it is still because I don't like feeling too full. So it seemed like a nice idea to snack the whole day and see if I get hull, how my energy is and all that. Also lately I have discovered that even though I have a lot of snacks at home, I still have the same safe things all the time.

Preparing for today, I wrote down and calculated the calories. Mainly to be sure I eat enough - more in than out. Because with snacking, it is easy to overeat or restrict just in case. And I also didn't want to pick only unhealthy stuff, like potato chips. I tried to find balance.

Morning

I wanted to almost write "breakfast", but it would be wrong. :D Instead I will just try and make the day into morning, afternoon and evening.

Anyway, I started my Monday with a nicccceeee chocolate donut. I have been thinking about it a lot and I have walked past it so many times, I have been too scared of having it. But on one evening me and my sister had a cake and donut and it was so good, so I really needed to try this finally.

And it was really good. I put it in the microwave for 30 seconds as well, to make the chocolate go all melty and nice.

With it, I had a big apple, which was a bit too sour for me, but it was a good change. I had some coffee on the side and I got quite full, even though I expected to be still starving. But nope. I guess the apple did help. :D

At around 11 I had this chocolate with rice crispies, because I wanted something with coffee and I had this laying round. At the same time it wasn't very good, but I only noticed later that it was sugar free, so this was probably the reason. I don't like sugar free sweets, they have a weird aftertaste. But well, it was still something.

Other than that I really like rice crisp chocolates, there is this one I really loved and it is huge and can be found here. I hoped this small one would be just as nice, but it wasn't. But no biggie.

Up until now my day has not been very healthy... :D But I promise that dinner will kind of make up for it.

Afternoon

I have been wanthing to try this cereal for a while now, I have picked it up several times but always put it back. Cereal is never breakfast for me, because it doesn't make me feel fuöö at all. Also the portion size that is recommended is THIRTY GRAMS. Does anyone actually eat so little?! It is barely a few crisps. :D I took like three times the amount to get something at least, hehe. 

And they were very nice. I tried them with milk and also plain, but I liked them both ways. Even though if I am completely honest, I like normal Ciniminis more. Anyway thanks to having a proper amount I got quite full.

After a sweet snack I needed to have something more sweet. I decided to try this new kiwi-booseberry pudding with chia seeds. It was quite nice, got a taste of kiwi, but it had a pieces of this milky product, as if it wasn't properly mixed together. Hahaa. :D I wouldn't get it again, but I would still like to try the vanilla version of it. I had some more coffee and also some tea, which I haven't had in a while. The closer it gets to summer, the less tea I drink. Coffee is just my regular drink of choice, and whenever I want something warm to drink, I just make this. :D

Evening

This was the idea behind my challenge, as I have sometimes made this snack plate for myself after dinner, and had veggies with dip or huumus. At the moment I am so done with hummus, as I had it every other day and then last week I had an event where I ate a lot of hummus. :D So now I craved some dip.

Before "dinner" I also had some plums that at really nice currently. Sweet and soft and nice and would probably fir well into a cake. :D I haven't baked something in a while, should do it again... like I haven't made bread in a long time, but I don't really have bread often, so it would be pointless to make it. Also I still have some arguments with my gas oven, so yeah. :D

So my snack plate was cherry tomatoes, cucumber and bell pepper. :D Don't need anything else. Sometimes I have a bit of cheese or something, but this is what it mostly consists of. And today's dip was some Estonian style dip with pickles and garlic, which was nice, but I actually like tzadziki one more. Or cheese and garlic dip.

Anyway after this I was really very full, because vegetables really do fill you up, as they take up a lot of space in your stomack. But I still wanted to try this barberry candy flavoured ice cream cone, because I used to LOVE barberry candies and I love barberry tea from Greenfield. And I wasn't disappointed, it did taste like childhood. Could have been bigger though, heheh.

I am not a fan of ice creams in cones, because the waffle is never crunchy enough, but it was still good. :D This company has a lot of new flavours that have just come out and I would really like to try them all.

In general today was nice, but to be honest, I missed normal meals. And during the period between afternoon and evening I was super tired and sleepy, I could have easily slept a few hours. I don't know if it is because of it, because I feel kinda weird in general. Snacks are nice, but they are nice when you are having them as snacks, not snacking the whole day. :D So I will gladly get back to my regular rhytm and eat three times a day + have snacks, this is the best for me.

But I am still glad I did this challenge, because I have been wanting to do this for a LONG time. Just to take a day and snack as much as I want to, I really didn't hold back. Which is also nice is that I get to have cereal as lunch for several days in a row, as I am doing home office, haha. :D 

Before I get to reviewing vegan products I tried in January, I wanted to write a little about progress that has been going on for me. Or I am not sure if this can be called progress. But I will write it down anyway.

On Saturday I went to my sister's place (and I also started with rice challenge) and we ate and drank a bit. Anyway, I could have easily filmed it, make it into YouTube calorie challenge, get some views and become rich. Okay, maybe I am overdoing it a little, but not by much.

Anyway on the next day I felt so shitty and angry at myself. How did I do that again? Binging. Then I still had breakfast and motivated myself to go and visit my friend, we walked around for a bit with her baby and it was super nice. And then I got over this anger for the most part. I was like, okay, it happened and I can't do anything about it. And instead of resticting myself or making myself move around, I went to the store, got some food for lunch and also dinner and I took the bus home. There I took a shower, did a face mask and hair mask and was gentle to myself, friendly and supportive.

Like, it felt so weird. Usually I am always angry the whole day, make myself walk 25k steps and skip lunches for several days in a row. So yeah, this self-soothing was like... nice.

I really hope that something like this won't happen again, but I managed it. I felt shit, but I accepted it, because there really wasn't anything else to do.

I wanted to add something about my previous post. My 200 grams of weight gain was definitely not due to having pasta. It could have been water weight or something. And I didn't write it down to scare someone, my goal was to show that no, you don't gain weight even if you eat pasta daily. I hoped you would understand, but considering some comments I got, it was an issue.

Now here are all the vegan products I tried in January:

Mister Free'd tortillakrõpsud juustuga (Mister Free'd tortilla chips with vegan cheese)

I got these from Selver and they sat on my cupboard for a while, as I ws too scared of having them. I knew I would have the whole bag once it was opened. And I did. It tasted AMAZING. Normal tortilla chips are always too bland for my liking, unless you are having chilli ones. But these were seriously good. Like for real, when I finished the bag, I still craved for more. These were better than normal potato chips that are also my obsession currently. So I highly recommend them! There are also beetroot and spinach tortillas from the same company that I am yet to try. Anyway, this gets 9,5/10. Really good!

Vegeplus gouda juust (Vegeplus Gouda cheese)

I had it without anything, then on a slice of bread and also on pizza. And I really liked it. It wasn't as good on its own than Violife's pizza zhreds, but it still was okay. On bread with tomatoes and cucumber it was really good and it really suited on pizza as well. I wasn't as melty as Violife, but everyone liked it. It is definitely something I would get again and I would like to try other flavours as well, because there was a ton. 7/10 for sure.

Valsoia trühvlijäätis (Valsoia truffle ice cream)

This was really good! Sweet and nice. I didn't feel like eating vegan ice cream at all, so I think this is good. Anyway, I really liked it. Not one of my favourite ice creams ever but I am not complaining. This company also has tiramisu flavoured one that I am yet to try. But for this I would give 7/10.

Alpro mandli-soolakaramellijäätis (Alpro almond-salted caramel ice cream)

Well this was simply fantastic. I think it is one of my favourite ice creams I have ever had! On the second place there is LaMuu brownie one. I really liked the almond pieces and salted caramel sauce... there was plenty of it! Anyway, I recommend it. Also it wasn't too expensive, considering it was vegan ice cream. 9/10.

Cocodeli joogojogurt mustikaga (Cocodeli drinking yoghurt with blueberries)

I couldn't find it online, but I tried it anyway, as my friend got it for me for my housewarming party. And it was good. A bit too liquidy, but it tasted amazing anyway! I could taste some coconut, which I really liked. I am not a big fan of drinking yoghurts, but this was 7/10.

Cocodeli mustikajogurt (Cocodeli blueberry yoghurt)

This was a lot thicker and I had it with a slice of banana bread. It was such a good combo! I got kind of scared looking at the calories, as there was loads, even more than non-vegan yoghurts usually have. But well, the taste was good and I enjoyed it, definitely one of the best yoghurt alternatives. 7,5/10.

Tere köögikreem (Tere cooking cream)

I made pasta with it and was kind of scared of it tasting slightly sweet as their oatmilk is. This is cooking cream made of oats, btw. So I tried it before adding to my pasta. And it was just like normal cream. :D Anyway, it went well with the pasta and I will surely use it again. Really no different from non-vegan stuff. 8,5/10.

Köömnetega tofu (Tofu with cumin seeds)

I normally use bland tofu or one with dill, but I wanted to try this. I made tofu scramble with it, which came out really well. I couldn't really taste the cumin seeds which was a bit unfortunate. It was like other tofus I have tried, can't say anything bad about it. 7/10, would recommend!

Marta Pagari peedihummus (Marta Pagar beetroot hummus)

First mouthful was really good, but in the end I didn't really like it that much. I prefer their other flavours, but I think their regular one is still the best. But I ate it and if someone offered it, I would have it again. This was just one thing I really wanted to try. It was slightly sweet. I had it with just veggies and it was really nice to be honest. But not my favourite. 6/10.

Kellogg's müsli kookose ja india pähklitega (Kellogg's muesli with coconut and cashews)

For real, it took me 20 minutes on the muesli section to decide on it. And on the next day I had it for breakfast and I was kind of "meh" about it. But it is possible that it was because I added a lot of frozen berries and couldn't taste the muesli much. On the next day I tried it again and warmed the berries up beforehand. Also added more muesli than on the previous day. And I REALLY liked it. I just had it plain as well and it was extra good like this. Anyway, I love it. :D Coconut was what actually helped me to make the decision. I love coconut flavoured things and coconut shavings so much. I highly recommend. And it is a good challenge, as I am terrified of granola and muesli. 9/10.

Pastakaste tofuga (Pasta sauce with tofu)

I have had this tomato pasta sauce with soy mince before, but not this one. And I think this one is better. It fit well with pasta, onion, garlic and carrots. I also topped the whole dish off with some nutritional yeast and spinach. It was very good all together. :D I would buy it again if it was on sale. Very convenient. It was a bit sour so I added a little sugar as well. But I loved it! 7/10.

Marta Pagari hummus apelsini ja porgandiga (Marta Pagar hummus with orange and carrot)

Honestly I thought this was going to be disgusting and sweet and I was really sceptical over it, right. And then I tried it as a snack with cucumber and bell pepper and it was the BEST hummus I have ever had! This is my absolute favourite and I am going to always buy only this. :D I don't know how it is possible that the one I thought would be my least favourite was the best. Anyway, 10/10, there is no more to think.

Kookosjogurt mango ja passioniga (Cocodeli yoghurt with mango and passionfruit)

About these Cocodeli yoghurts I can say that their texture is really weird. :D Like when I pour it on a bowl, it does BLOP and just throws itself against the bowl. :D But it tasted good, it was nice and creamy and it didn't have a weird taste like Alpro coconut one has. I think this was my favourite out of Cocodeli things, so I would give it 8/10. I still prefer plain soya yoghurt, but if there is none of that, this will do. I had it with fruits, muesli and berries and I really loved the combo!

Violife cheddar võileivamääre (Violife cheddar spread)

This literally tasted like Cheetos cheese puffs! Like, for real, 100%. And I won't even deny having some spoonfuls plain, I really craved for something savoury and it really hit the spot. :D I didn't like it on bread as much, but I made pasta with it and it went so well. 8/10, would buy again.

Green Story köögiviljapasta baklažaani ja kikerhernestega (Green Story vegetable spread with eggplant and chickpeas)

I have seen it in most stores. The taste was really good, but it was a bit plain in pasta. I hoped it would have stronger flavour, kind of like pesto or something. But I think it would go well with toast. Or as a dip, as it was similar to hummus (this also makes sense, as it has chickpeas in it). I would give it 6/10, I would definitely used it again. The price was a bit high I think.

Prisma (Rainbow) sojajogurt (Prisma (Rainbow) soya yoghurt)

I thought I would try this store's own product to see if it is less tasty than Alpro one. And I think it is pretty much the same. It feels a bit stronger maybe, but it is not bad. I made yoghurt bowl with banana, berries and muesli again and it went well together. I have been thinking of trying this in savoury dishes as well, but haven't had a chance yet. Anyway, I really liked it - texture was good and price was good as well. 9/10.

Rimi enda hummus (Rimi store's own hummus)

I still thought I would try some more hummus and picked this out. It tasted really good and ingredients were nice and there wasn't too many unnecessary things. But nothing beats the orange and carrot hummus still. :D But well, I liked this as well, price was also good. 7,5/10.

My mini goals was to be more flexible with picking dinners, eat a dessert after lunch and not check calories on items when I am having a snack.

Monday

It was really difficult, as my weight had gone up and these moments hurt me a lot. I felt really bloated and uncomfortable.

I already thought that I won't be having dessert after all, because my snacks have become bigger anyway, but I still did it. We have a new coworker and he brought everyone cake pops. It was my first time trying one. I thought that this is a new thing and I really want to try it. I don't want to be the person who always opts out.

And for lunch snack I had creme brule flavourited cottage cheese. I KNOW it has more calories than my regular snacks, but I managed to get over myself and not look the calories up. To be exact. In the morning I also had Eat Natural bar, but on that I checked the calories as well - I just couldn't not to. But yeah, at least with one snack (and also with dessert) I managed.

Tomorrow is my coworker's birthday and he said that during the morning meeting he will bring us some food. Getting this information made me really anxious already, but I try and take it as it comes. I'll just have this as a dessert. Good thing. I am not going to skip it like past me would!

Tuesday

So today was my coworker's birthday and he brought us savoury carrot pie and apple-raisin pie. I had several pieces of them both! Savoury and sweet. In addition to this I had a proper lunch and then also ate a full tub of curd cream, flavoured with cinnamon and cranberries. And I didn't check the calories on it! It was difficult, but I had gotten used to this idea. I don't know about tomorrow, but I am trying to keep this dessert habit up.

Wednesday

Today was really difficult. I had my morning snack and then I already thought about what to have as a dessert. And then my coworker brought kringels, because it is going to be his last day tomorrow. And then I thought about having something smaller as a dessert and a piece of sweet pastry later, as a snack, but I did the opposite and had the pastry as a dessert. :D How many times can I say dessert in this post?! Anyway, I didn't know it's calories as well. It was with orange cream and it was really good!

Anyway yeah, this was a lot more difficult than on the previous day, because it was a huge surprise. Also I had bigger meal as a lunch than I usually do, so in my head, my eating disorder voice banged pots and pans together and yelled that I shouldn't do it. I don't know, I thought that when I have done something for 2 days already, it becomes easier (like with the bigger snacks. At first it felt it was "too much" but some days later it was normal already), but it hasn't happened so far. Today is the third day only though. I will try and keep it up tomorrow and on Friday, because well, I made a promise to myself.

Yesterday I also had my psychologist appointment and according to weigh in at the hospital I have only gained 100 grams in a month. So this is quite little and they want to see more progress. I don't know, my scale at home shows different things. :D Anyway, yeah. My psychologist wasn't too happy, but at the same time she didn't have much bad things to say, as I brought out a lot of positives and stuff I am really excited about and I also talked about how I can see myself being in the better place than I was at the beginning of the year. I think I mentioned I read over my old posts and I couldn't believe how negative and annoying I was? Anyway yes, with this Signe, the difference is real.

Oeh, I don't know what came over me, but I had some chocolate pudding and then I took a piece of cheese kringel, that my coworker also brought. My stomach was really full and I felt nauseous, but I don't know if I just imagined it? This disgusting feeling of it being a binge and a fear that maybe I will become a bulimic. Disgusting!

Thursday

By today morning I had calmed down a little, but I still had some extreme guilt. Especially considering that last night I didn't miss my fruits or dinner. And this morning I made fear food porridge, meaning I added chai spice with a lot of calories into my porridge. It was good, but really difficult, I keep thinking if it was a right decision. In general I have a lot of thoughts about was it the right thing. And that maybe I should have picked something else.

I hope I will do well with my dessert and lunch. There are some pastries left from yesterday, and I already decided having them again. So today I am at least ready for them... but I don't know, I just feel really weird since yesterday.

Anyhow, I managed to get over my fear and in addition to snacks I had some more of the sweet kringel. It was really good, I kind of want more. But at the same time I know I will have proper dinner and I am full. So here I have this dilemma of "am I hungry" or do I just crave it. Of course I would like to honor my cravings, but at the same time I also know I would feel physically really uncomfortable, if I did. I can't stop the thoughts. Annoying. So yeah, in general having a dessert today was easier, but I think it was thanks to being prepared. Not knowing what is to come, I wouldn't have been able to do it...

Friday

Today I am determined to eat the dessert after lunch, even though my weight had gone up by 900 grams. I just don't understannnnd. I should probably calculate the weekly average, but I don't want to do that so I am just stressed instead. But I am trying to get over it. Feel shit, but do it anyway. Today I have a plan and I feel quite okay - I have made the decision in my head.

What else... I have been doing quite well with not checking the calories. In many cases, it has been impossible to calculate them. And today I got some yoghurt dessert with toffee and caramel and... I don't remember how many calories it has! :D Like, for the first time I am forgetting this thing! :D Seems like fighting with myself for a week has proven to be useful. I just need to not check the calories when I am about to have it. But maybe I can do this!

And today is finally Friday. This week has been ESPECIALLY tiring. I haven't had a day where I have just gone home after work and done nothing. I kind of need a day like this. But at the same time I really like doing things and being social - I have seen so many friends. My November goal also was to do more things with people, in order to discover what I like and kind of get the focus to shift from food and depression. I have been doing well.

Also I FINALLY decided I will do the secret challenge thingy next week. I will start on Monday and write about it on Friday. :D At the moment I don't have any more short-term goals... I guess I will just keep it up with having desserts and not checking the calories. I won't set any more new goals at the moment.

I get to move to my own flat in 8 days... somehow it feels longer than a month. :D It is getting closer, but it still seems sooo far. I ordered a bunch of things that are starting to arrive soon. Can't wait. :D On the weekend I hope I can pop by some furniture store and check out some more sofas. I need to make a decision, because my parents are coming soon and this is the only chance to get the furniture. But I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I went to the stores with them. So weird - my OWN home and I can pick stuff that I like. Seems so unreal. :D That this is it now. It is not temporary. It is final. Or at least at the moment I am thinking that it will last for quite some time. Aah, how exciting!

I have a serious problem about hoarding things. Well, not the general stuff. No books, notebooks, just trash or clothes etc. I keep collecting food items.

For example I get really stressed when I don't have food items for the next day in my fridge. Even though I will probably go to store on the particular day, I still feel like I need to be stocked up. And then I buy the struff for several nights, but still go to a store "just in case" on those days and think if I need something else. But at the same time, I can NOT go, still thinking that I should though.

It is the same with all the snacks; I have a drawer FULL of them and every time I go to store, I keep thinking that I want something new and then I just pile up things :S. It really upsets me - why can't I just have the things I already own? Why do I need to buy something ELSE? This is just... I feel like I need to do it and I cannot resist.

I have tried to empty out the drawer, but now I have another 100 things there again. And then I don't even feel like having them, I want something else entirely - like some pastry, muesly, cereal or something like this.

In reality, collecting things is really common with people who have an eating disorder. It is connected to your brain which is constantly thinking that there is not enough food and it needs to be stocked up. So a lot of people with anorexia like to walk around in food stores, to be near food at least.

At least I have moved on from just looking at the items in stores. I actually buy them now and sometimes even have them. :D It used to be that I went to the food store, picked up something, looked at it's ingredients and nutrition info and then put it back and walked away. So there is some progress at least. :D Ugh, writing this down I can see how fucked up it is. And I never related this to an eating disorder in the past.

Hoarding has a lot to do with people who also have an OCD, and it is really common with people suffering from and ED. So to think about it like this, it makes perfect sense. But it is not that EVERY person with an eating disorder collects things. It is just one symptom and may not be relevant to you.

This being prepared thing is also annoying, because I am not flexible at all. For example I cannot decided that oh, today I want to get a takeaway - I have things to make food with so I need to use them. So I cannot be spontaneous. There is a really good article about it here.

With other things I don't feel the need to hoard at least. Sorting out stuff for my future flat, I have been thinking that I am so done with having the things and I wish I could just throw everything away. :D To start fresh! At the moment I have managed to throw many things away, I have kept some REALLY nostalgic stuff though. Like postcards and letters I have gotten - I could never throw them away. People have taken some time in their day and written to me, boughed a postcard and this is sooo sweet and soo important to me.

My sister on the other hand is really opposite. She doesn't care about food items, but collects other kind of stuff. :D I think I used to be more like her. I bought a lot of things, my favourite were books from second hand stores, magazins, clothes, sometimes even make up (even though I do my makeup like maybe once a month :D) and so on. I never had only one thing I collected. I remember in elementary school though I used to collect stickers, but they didn't at least take up much room. :D Put them all into a book and then exchange the good stickers with others. God, this is so nostalgic to think about. :D

But yeah, this hoearding thing is a big topic for me. But I wanted to write this down, maybe it is a wake up for me and if I make the promise to eat all the stuff here, I am more likely to actually do it. I think I will post more on Instagram stories and maybe have some polls, because I can never decide what to have. :D

I also wanted to brush upon the fact that my medication subscription was over and for 5 days I didn't have my meds. I felt really good for the first 3 days, even though I was suddenly really emotional. For no reason I had tears in my eyes or I started giggling at random stuff.

Then came insomnia. I have had some insomnia episodes (I slept MAX 2-3 hours per night) and being in the same kind of situation again was awful. On the next few days I felt as if I was seriously hangover. My hands were shaking, I couldn't focus, my head was spinning, I felt nauseous and my heart was beating a lot... at one point I told my coworker that I feel so shitty I think I need to go home. 

But then I got my meds, I picked them up during my lunch and believe it or not, but 1.5-2 hours after taking them I felt like human again. All the side efects just went away. And I finally felt like living again. Of course I am a bit sad to lose the emotions again, but yeah... I think maybe I will discuss with my doctor if the dose can be slowly lowered? At the moment I am taking a substential amount. And some of the emotions were really... nice.

Anyway, do you collect something? Preparing to the end of the world as I seem to do?

Started my Monday very bravely with peanut butter bar and some chocolate. A really small one, but it was in my drawer, waiting to be eaten. So I added it to my first snack. It is difficult to have several things as a snack. 

It was a very peanutty day, as my second snack was Snickers. Which is also a Very Scary Thing. Because Snickers has so many calories and others can have it but not me. So I had it myself. It was also in my drawer for the longest time, it was about time to eat it. But it brought a lot of guilt. For some time I thought I should miss my lunch, but I didn't. Now I have to just deal with these feelings, I hope it goes well.. but at the moment I am not feeling too great. But I discovered that I kind of got over Snickers. Yes, it was good, but I didn't stop at the store to stare at the Snickers bar, thinking I want it. It was much sweeter than I remembered but I kind of got rid of the craving. It became so simple and normal. I thought this would never happen.

Within the next days I want to try and have a pastry. It is difficult with those. I can have normal bread-ryebread-stuff, especially when it is self-made or baked. But having a pastry from the store it is just "nooo no no don't have it". So this is what I should do.

So on Tuesday I went to the store and got a poppy seed roll from Rimi. It was so difficult. I remember that when I was at the hospital, I had to write down my meals for when I am not there anymore. Just like, to make a plan. And then on some point I said that I would take a pastry from the store as a snack and then one of the nurses said that no, this is not enough. Then I mentioned it would be from a store called Rimi to what another nurse said "okay, then this is fine, Rimi stuff has a lot of calories". From this time, this block in my head has been there. Weird, how such a small thing has been stuck in my head for over a year now.

I am convinced I imagined it was really buttery. But it made eating it very difficult. Of course I decided to look up the calories as well and this was sick. There is no reason to feel bad about it, I know. But it was good. Before having it, I heated it up in the microwave and it was really nice and warm and fresh tasting. But with this, I didn't have this emotion of I am now done with pastries, I still crave them. And keep thinking I want to try some more. But at the Rimi there weren't any other I would have liked to try. There are a lot more in another store, but I am bothered because they don't have calories anywhere. If I knew, I would knew and I would feel more secure. I need to know. This is the control factor of the illness.

Anyway, in addition to this I had my regular snack as well, which was really overcoming this fear. And in addition I had even more candy that I brought to work myself. I later regretted it, but I did it and didn't gain hundred kilos the next morning, which I thought would definitely happen.

Wednesday challenge was Belvita cookies. I have a story with them. Last time I had them, I was in Romania and they had a huge selection (my favourites are not in Estonia :(), but from then I have thought about wanting them. In general cookies seem to be my recent obsession.

On the next day, my weight had gone up 700 grams and it kind of threw me off. Not for long though, I mean I still had proper breakfast and I didn't skip snacks or lunch, but it was still quite difficult to handle. I know it isn't logical that I gained this amount in 24 hours and that it sticks, but I still keep thinking about how is it that much etc. If it went up little by little, it would be easier. But I don't know, I guess it had to go like this. We shall see. I kind of also want the weight to STAY up, until I get used to it. I don't want it to go down either. Weird. Difficulties with understanding myself. :D

For my Thursday snack I had a whole 400 grams of yoghurt. I picked peanut-bread one. I remember when I was still living with my parents and having this was so easy. Then someone came up with this "yoghurts have so much extra sugar in them and it is not healthy". I mean, it is true, but... However, when I went to the store, I reallty wanted exactly this. So I decided to pick it up and have the whole thing at once. Also I remember I have bought some yoghurt and always been really precise like "I can only have exactly half of it" and this is really stressful. And then I have felt guilty if I have had a little more than a half. Constant battle with myself.

Anyway, having this went well. I ate it too fast. Sometimes I feel like my stomach is a completely balck bit and I will never be full. Also with the yoghurt, now I feel like I want to have all the flavours and all at once. I should probably give in and do exactly this. Then it will become another normal snack. I want to get there.

And for Friday aka today I have nuts and chocolate bar. Because nuts are still really scary. And then I thought that I should challenge exactly this. I think it is okay. Besides, after work I am going to see some flats with my sister and I need this energy. I don't know what time we will be back at home.

Relating to this challenge, I am planning to go forward with it. Pick things for snacks that I have been too scared of having. Because yes, it is scary, but it is also really nice. It is good to allow yourself have stuff you have been too scaref of having for such a long time. I keep looking aroung in the stores and thinking that "I will try this and that and that" and it feels really good.

I am kind of annoyed with having three meals and three snacks though. Like, I live for these moments. I don't know if I am ever able to have just three meals and be done. I don't know any healthy person who has so many snacks and this scares me. It is like, right now it is recovery time and I can do this, but in the future I have to start restricting again. It is such a weird and bothering thing. I don't know, I just feel scared of the future.

I have thought about setting some short-term goals again, because it is cool to do them and it really helps me. If I don't write a challenge down and only think about it, my actions and thoughts don't really match up. Writing things down and sharing them kind of makes me be more accountable. Like this week has been with the Very Scary Snacks. If I hadn't set this thing up, I would have broken down and not done it. This would have meant that my eating disorder won. This kept me right.

So the goals for the next week are:

1. Have snacks that are literally between 200-300 calories (and not maximum 200 as I have done previously).
2. Adding chai spice to my porridge. I have been wanting to do this for a while but I have been too scared.
3. Be more flexible with meal times and not stick to the clock. I really want to listen to myself and have food when I am actually hungry, not to think that okay, it is 11 am now, I can now have a sanck.

I think three is enough. I will start with them today (like with number one goal). And then let's go from there. Today me and my sister are planning to have a beer maybe and some blue cheese (this used to be really ewwww for me, but now I love it :D) and just not think. Watch something, not making the meal to be the best thing about the night.

In addition to this all I wrote down all the food items I have been having this week. And if I put in today's plan, then I have 51! Yay, managed it. :D This is such a cool thing to do, it is really diverse food I have been having, eh?

How my cleaning challenge is going? Not too great. I haven't really stuck to it, I have to confess. I have made SOME progress and thrown away a lot of stuff, but I really haven't been following the list at all. :D I will try to keep up with it and do more on the weekend though. Yesterday I did pack up some books and stuff. At first I thought I will send stuff to my parents', but why would they have to keep things, if they are mine? But in general a lot of my decluttering goes like "okay, I am cleaning this area" and then I put all the stuff to another cupboard and think that "yep, this is for another day" :D :D. I think I am realllly clever.

Anyway yeah, I am really glad today is Friday. Ideally, I would like to go to some furniture stores on the weekend and see some sofas in real life. I have a long list of things I want to get. :D I should start actually buying the stuff at some point, because only 29 days to go!

To finish this post, I wish you all a good morning and I hope you will find something positive in today. For me, it was nice to see a driver rise their hand after I waved and thanked them to let me cross the road. Also it was really foggy and spooky outside, it looked cool - like in a horror movie. My cat was adorable today, really wanted some attention and cuddles. My weight hadn't gone down, maybe I can do this life insurance thing soon (they don't let to do it if you are too much underweight). My porridge was really great. And coffee at work is really good. And I have plans for the weekend, it has been a while. Ah, and there was a boy in the tram who had made himself into a lego man and another one with horns and all white clothing. Halloween is upon us, though it is not much celebrated in Estonia. And... so many great things and it is only 8:17?!