I discussed this topic in the comments of my Estonian blog and I feel like I want to write more about it. I feel like I am stuck in my comfort zone, safe zone. My weight goes up and down within two kilograms range, but doesn't go higher or stay lower. So I am stuck. And even within this it is difficult when on one day it is higher than the other. Anyway, my point is that I eat normally, snack a lot and so on, but I am too scared of taking the step forward and add something to my menu to make the weight stay up.

Even getting to this point was difficult and I wouldn't say I am used to my current weight. It is still strange to see my weight in the mornings. I would like to jump on my scale and destroy if, but I can't do it. I have been telling you that when I don't weigh myself, I will start restricting "just in case". And then my weight will go down and so on. But now I need to gather up my courage and take the step and eat more. At least I haven't lost any weight, that's good, right? But it is not enough, I am not in the normal weight range yet.

This week I have my psychologist appointment as well and they will weight me and give some faadback. I think the number is bigger than last time, so they will be happy about it. But me, am I happy? I don't know. My eating disorder is. It whispers into my ear every morning that look how well you are doing, you are not losing weight and we are perfectly happy where we are right now! People don't worry about you any more, you are not sick any more, you don't have to eat as much. What if we snacked a little less? And so on and so on. And honestly it is difficult to fight these thoughts. And then there are the moments when people say that they haven't eaten yet during the day, or have restricted, or have been eating something very light and this really makes me flip. I don't know what is up with having to be the one who eats the least etc. :D I don't know, why should I be ashamed of having a big appetite? I need to gain weight. And the current situation shows me that even if I keep eating like this, my weight won't always keep going up.

It was a mystery to me when I read about people (or watched videos) who needed to keep incrasing their intake in order to gain weight. I thought that this would never happen to me, that when I start eating normaly, my weight will keep going up. But... as I can see, this is not the case.

Today, the moment I am writing this post, it is only Tuesday and the number on the scale was bigger than I am used to. This scared me a lot. Especially because today it is Shrove Tuesday and we need to eat the semla buns with whipped cream. But I didn't let it affect me too much, I still had my regular breakfast and lived my life. Let this bun be the extra for today. Every day I need to have something extra. But I will manage. Let's see if getting out of this comfort zone is as difficult as it seems. I guess when the number DOES go up, I will eventually get used to it. Yeah, maybe it is not one day thing, maybe it takes me a week or even more, but I will get used to it. People get used to abything. Like at one time we had this motivation training at work and the person said that if you buy a new car, the happiness lasts for about 6 months. So you will even get used to good things. :D I am sure that soon these numbers that make me upset at the moment don't affect me at all any longer.

I am so surprised that the posts I write here are so positive and motivational. I am ready to GO! Every day there will be something extra! I will have a proper lunch dessert! I will add more muesli and banana to my morning yoghurt bowl! (Actually I did this today, I added a whole other banana, because they were very black already and I have been craving for bananas.) This blogging thing is good, it makes me get hyped for stuff. When I have voiced stuff, written it down, it is easier to go through with it. Try it out. Tell you friend or relative or... doctor, that I would like to do this and this and for that I need to be like this. Your friend keeps you accountable. You have made a promise to them, even if you don't word it like that. It is easier to break promises to yourself. When more people know about something, you need to keep your word. And sometimes pushing yourself like this has to be done.

And I don't mean that if you want to become a writer for example you tell your best friend that well, today you will write down a chapter or something. :D It can be a small thing. For example... you know, today I will drink a whole cup of juice instead of half. Today I will add 10 grams more oats to my porridge. Today I add a spoonful of milk to my coffee. I am bringing out examples with eating, but there are others as well. For example today I will finish this shitty case at work. Today I will do 10 squats. Today I will write two lines in a poem. Whatever! Just let somone know that you are planning to do this and see, how you are feeling then. You don't want to let others down. And finally you will get used to giving promises to yourself and motivating yourself. Honestly! And then you don't need this reassurance from the outside. Like I used to have with photographing my food. I also used to ask others what they have eaten, as if to make sure others eat. But what if they don't eat at the same time as you or something? There is nothing wrong with that. :D

Anyway yes, these kind of thoughts in my head today. I have been stuck here for a couple of weeks already, so I just need to push myself. I will deal with the concecuences when they come.

On Friday we have a work thing, which comes with coffee break, pastries and catered 3 course lunch. This causes me some stress and I really want to restrict ahead, but I don't. I can't allow this. Every day is different and sometimes things happen. What if I didn't know whis was coming? Would I be upset and throw a fit? Nope. These are the things I need to get over.

Today morning when I came to work I thought about different steps in my life. And I thought how I have ruined relationships and life due to this illenss. How I went for a trip with friends and the ONLY thing I thought about was what I ate and how I can restrict more. And I became sad. So sad. This could have been the highlight of my summer, I met so many new people and I had a chance to do something amazing. But instead I thought about food. I worried over food. Cried. And went to sleep at 9 pm when others were just having fun. And I ruined others' mood as well. And it was the same the next day. And then I got home and I relieved because I managed to avoid food. And it is so sad to think about it. I couldn't enjoy life even for a minute, how? Why did I let this illness come so far? Why didn't I fight back earlier? I don't know, today is a weird day. I get a lot of these thoughts. Never again. Never. Again.

Aaaand right when I am telling you my weight is stuck, it jumps. It is higher than the highest. Stress level is through the roof and all morning I have thinking about how I need to restrict. Also I saw a video of myself today morning. And I looked so fat. Like, exactly when I was the biggest Signe. My face was too round. My shirt held weirdly and made me round. And I got so disgusted with myself. I felt so angry and I felt like I "let myself go". I still feel disgusted and it was several hours ago now. And still, I ate proper lunch and even added some extra pieces of chocolate, because it was in my drawer and I wanted something sweet. But this feeling, this anger towards myself, this disgusting video... it really affected me. Argh. Where is this motivation I felt yesterday? :'D Everything is bothering me a lot at the moment.

Uhh, so I saw my psychologist today and it was one of the worst meetings. I admitted things that I have been hiding, so that was good. But still. It was really not nice to cry for an hour, haha. :D But well, I feel better now.

Yesterday it was again this Expensive calories show, my favourite topic. It made me upset. They killed a fish and I know it was there to provide a shock effect, but it was still disgusting. Right in front of the vegan girl, because of course, needed more drama. I felt sick. Also they filmed the bloody knife and I don't know what else. And they were asked to take and kill a rooster as well.

Other than that, this episode was one of the better ones. They talked about movement and heathy fresh food. But at the same time I don't know, after a fasting day and before a hike they were given light smoothie and soup, that was mostly cabbage, carrots and potatoes... not very nutritious. I was also bothered by the show's host again, when he was like "when was the last time you ate something like this?" Like, the fact that they are in the show and there are snacks in the fridge (also, why was there Greek yoghurt, is it that bad?) does not mean that they only eat crap 24/7. :D Err, people do it normal things as well. I don't really agree with this demonizing food, tell what you want.

And then there was this therapeut who said only a few sentences, but still needed to read them from her laptop. :D Like, is it so difficult to remember a couple of sentences or is this topic so strange for you that you can't figure it out without slides? It left a very, erm, unprofessional feeling to be honest. If it is about mental health, mental journey, I would like the guide to know about the topic and tell me about it without notes. I don't know, maybe I am weird.

But in general I can't really complain much about this topic. If the level of the show was this all the time, I wouldn't be as critical as I am right now. Yeah, can't really say anything else about it. Now I am weirdly curious to know what's next. :D They really try to make it exciting, don't they. Anyway it was generally a weird episode. And when one of the participants had a snack, I was like fuck yea, well done. You managed to get over this feeling that it is bad, you wanted it an you ate it. That's fine! Well done! I believe most of the viewers were in show and though "oh no, another 200 euros gone, what a weak person that she can't follow the tules". I am not a fan of this show, if you couldn't tell. :D

I have calmed down a little about tomorrow's event. I got reassured I am getting vegan menu, that is nice. There have been some events where I have had to pick out potatoes that do not touch the meat or something. At least I can enjoy my lunch with others this time. Nice!

I finally also started grains challenge and I think it is more difficult than all the others have been, hehe. Maybe it is because there are so many options. If it was just pasta, then it would be just pasta. Easy. With pasta - I did a huge thing the other day! I went to the store and picked out random PESTO. Now finally I will make pasta with it. It is about time! :D I have been craving pesto pasta for the longest time. :D

Then for the next saturday I have another 24 h challenge idea, we will see. :D I hope that I will stick to the plan as it seems quite cool. Can't really complete any more 5 day ones this month, even though I have one in my mind - trying new recipes. I have done this once before and it was really cool. But at the same time there are new foods in the current one as well, so there's that.

I finished my first book of the year! "Painted man" was really good. I already got the second book from the library. Read the first few pages and it seems to be just as good. It is really nice to get into another world and escape from the real one. At one point reading books seemed so pointless, like a waste of time or something. But it is not true, it is something for the mind. Besides, watching YouTube is not better, and I do this every day. :D

I discussed with my psychologist about what else there is to fill the time. I just feel so lonely and trapped recently and boredom is like a parasite stuck in my head. And then I mentioned that it would be nice to go to school or ANYTHING. And she said I could take some online courses or something. And then I thought that a long time ago I took a class from edX.org, so I looked the page up, registered and am thinking about what class to take. It seemed like a good idea to take some nutrition one, they had quite a few offers.

Like, it really sucks that I have calories and things stuck in my brain. But I thought that maybe I can get some use out of it. I think learning about nutrition may show me what to eat more, what to have less and how the whole process even works. It seems like a good idea. Besides, they have a lot of different courses available so if I don't want to do this in the end, I can pick something else as well. No problem. Have you ever participated online courses? Or would you like to? It would be interesting to hear.

Another thing I could bring back into my life would be using duolingo.com again. I used to study some Norwegian and it was really nice. They have a good system and everything is repeated enough, at least I really liked it. And why don't I make it into a challenge and pick another language, they have a good selection. I am not sure how deep it is and how much I would learn, but it would seem like a good use of my time. Better than just watching TV or walking around in town (which I do quite often, especially on the weekends).

I haven't gotten over walking, but I am not really putting any effort into stoping it either. I like to move and I am not working out other than that. I keep thinking that I want to start with yoga again, but I just can't find enough motivation. Does anyone want to give me a personal class or something? :D I feel like this would be the only chance to do it. Even when I am bored and I don't want to read, I have done everything I still... don't have any motivation. This annoys me.

I felt quite bad yesterday, but writing this out has kind of lifted my mood. I feel like I found myself again and I have gotten over my problems. We will see what tomorrow brings. I just try to keep my stress at the minimum and take things as they come. Can't really do anything else.