One of my friends shared a picture with me, which made me want to write about my routine. Here there are things that one should do in order to get over an eating disorder. They do make a lot of sense, but...

She asked if these things come easy to me and I was like, sure. But then I went through them and understood that I can't do any. Maybe only having things that I really don't like. I have been thinking that if I didn't eat it, I wouldn't even know if I liked it or not, so it is a good thing. Because then I know.

I have a very rigid ritual with eating. I have certain actions I always do, a certain place, certain times etc. Eating is fully regulated.

To be honest, it used to be even more difficult, because I always ate same things. Every morning I had porridge that was made in the same way, the only change was that sometimes I used raspberries instead of strawberries. Other than that it was EXACTLY the same. Same amount of oats, same amount of milk, same amount of cocoa powder and so on. I was very strict.

Now at least I can have some change with them, like sometimes I have my yoghurt bowl, sometimes porridge. Haven't made anything different recently, but I think I will have some pancakes soon. I made a bunch and froze them, I can pop them in the microwave and they are good to go. This is my small challenge in order to get rid of the rules, though I always have thoughts of "I won't get full enough" etc. (Hehe, the next day I did have pancakes with my mum's apple jam. It was really good and I didn't feel like I should have had something else, so yay for that!)

I have a very rigid routine with dinners. It is always at seven. I sit in the livingroom and watch something while eating. Recently I have also eaten even later, because I feel like it is pointless to be up when you are not consuming food. Thus I go to bed quite early. When I have finished my food and snacks, it is time for bed. I have been trying to keep myself up for longer recently and I have managed. Like yesterday I went to bed after ten and the next day half past eleven!

Then... I have set times for eating the snacks. And I follow them religiously, because if I don't, I feel very anxious. And sometimes if someone wants to go and eat something out, and it is too early, it stresses me. I always think that what if I get hungry again before bed? So it is easier to just stay at home and live in my own rhytm. That is why I don't want to do anything spontaneous, which annoys me. At one point it was better, when I had a friend coming over often and we ordered a takeout a lot, or went out for a lunch, but now that my weight has steadily gone up I feel like I can't do that anymore. I still haven't gotten rid of this feeling that I am not allowed something.

And it has become more difficult to have snacks during the day. Like I have set in stone that I have all of them in the evening, so for example I have a bag of crisps and ice cream. But having one candy during the day is a big no-no. This annots me. However, for the last few days I have had a candy or something after the meal to get rid of this fear and it seems to work. And even though I post a lot of junk food in my Instagram stories, you should know I don't eat this stuff every night. And I don't post everything. My dinner is very vegetable-heavy usually and a lot of the times I have fruits as snacks. Or soya yoghurt with muesli, cottage cheese etc. And I sometimes ADD some unhealthier stuff to it. But in general I try to balance the two. I don't want junk food to become scary again and I have taken steps in order to just enjoy it. And it works well.

So yeah, it seems like things are good and it looks like it is soooo easy for me. But the reality is different. Life is realllly rigidly set in stone for me and even though I wish I was over it, I can't. And now we are in a lockdown here, so things are even tougher.

I am at least happy that I have my own office so I can come in to work. For about a week I worked from home and I almost started to hate my flat. And I couldn't let that happen. So I decided to come to the office more often. Most of my co-workers work from home anyway, so I don't see much people. For example today I am all alone and we have two floors.

But it feels so nice to at least get out once during the day. Honestly, I thought I was going to go insane at home. Also I constantly ate there, because I had a lot of food around me. At the office I have a proper lunchtime and I eat a proper meal, I just snacked a lot at home. This is also kind of a routine, but it is good for me I think. It is a big thing for me to have proper lunches. And I have lunches even during the weekends, though I really used to skip them. But I don't do this shit anymore.

With dinners... it is as it is. At one point I thought that at least once a week (or until I have money xD) I will order food from somewhere. But I live quite far from the town center and a lot of places don't deliver there. Sucks! Also another thing is that I really enjoy cooking, it is relaxing and nice activity for me. :D So I don't really want to order out. But at the same time I want to try new things and places... I don't know what to do. Maybe I will set another goal and have takeaway once a month? This could be fun. I can try new things but at the same time I can cook at home. I am thinking of doing this for real. Also I can get out of this "I will only make food myself because then I know what goes into it"-mindset. But now I have to decide on what day I should order out and from where. I need to look up places that deliver to me. I wonder if my sister would like to come around and have some food with me as well. I could practice eating with someone, because I rarely do it.

I have never been one to focus on food while eating. They tried to do that in Tartu, but as soon as I got out of the hospital, I started eating when watching a video or TV again. I really like eating and only focusing on it, but I think watching something just adds to it. Making two good things into one. Yes, I don't maybe realise when I am full, but I always consider the calories in the meal and make sure I eat everything. In general I am good at estimating how much food I want, it is bever too little. I get quite full, but evenings is the only time when this is not bothering me.

At the moment, while I am writing this post, it is only Wednesday. Today my weight was huge. I haven't seen this number in like four years. And it was scary. Really scary. I got so irritated with myself and went streight to look at myself on the mirror. Where is this fat? And I don't know if I just had a good body image day or something, but... everything looked normal. I was 600 grams heavier than the day before, but there wasn't any rolls on my body. I looked at myself and I was like, yeah, I have gained some weight, but it wasn't overnight. It has been a process.

Also from yesterday I started working out a little (even though at first I couldn't do more than 15 minutes :D. Even though I didn't do anything too tough) and maybe this made me feel better about myself? There is something in exercise. I try to do some body weight stuff mostly, like squats, lounges, push ups, some abs etc. I have set myself up 19 different exercises that I go through several times. At the moment I only managed two rounds, but ideally I would do 4. And it seems to be working, because on the next day I felt some soreness in my muscles and I really like this feeling! I better have abs by tonight...

I am still hoping to start running again soon, but the weather is not on my side currently. Today it is extra cold, I almost froze to death while coming to work. Related to this, it seems I can't really go for a walk today, because it is simply too cold.

I am gettin some pieces of furniture today. I ordered a wall panel with a mirror and a little cupboard for shoes. They look awesome. My dad promised to come to town at one point, I hope he does it soon. I really want my home to be perfect already. But the new furniture matches with my livingroom perfectly, so this is good. :D

Theeen at one point I cleaned my closets. This was a journy! Finally I hung everything up and it looks so nice. I can easily pick what I want to weat. Also I am keeping it clean and putting stuff back straight away, I don't throw it on the bed as I used to do in the old flat. :D I didn't know I had so many proper BLOUSES. No one really sees me at work, but I have still made some effort with how I look and it really makes me feel good. And more motivated to do things.

Also yesterday it was the time to watch Expensive calories show again and I had a lot of thoughts I shared in my Instagram stories. But to say something, I think... the host ant "nutrition professional" is like Voldemort. :D Honestly, my blood pressure skyrockets whenever I see him on the screen or hear his voice. Okay, this episode wasn't THAT bad, but still, his mindset of ONLY eating healthy foods really gets to me.

The episode itself was, well, interesting. I thought that the participants really behaved a lot like people suffering from EDs. They were discussing at the restaurant about what they would like to have, but then thought about the calories and health stuff and picked something else. Something I have done myself a lot.

Also I think that maybe it would have been more useful to actually teach them stuff and maybe mention that Cesar salad dressing may have a lot more calories than a portion of fries? They have not been taught how to make better choices, they have only given them low calorie foods and weird mental therapy. They have not been taught (or at least it hasn't been shown) the difference between food groups, they haven't given meal plans, they haven't tried to make their own choices. They have just given food in a very regulated way. Of course things may happen when they are let our of this controlled environment!

About the next episode I read that they will wight them, to see, who has lost the most weight. I would like to know how they pick a "winner". They are all so different and for some, weight loss is easier than for others. Is the winner who has taken the least amount of food from the fridge with snacks? Anyway, I have a lot of questions.

Anyway yeah, this was a bit more interesting episode than past ones. It was nice to see them going around, not fasting at home.

I still like all the participants in the show, I think very highly of them and I really hope they are doing well currently. :)

Anyway, I don't know. I need to break the routine. But how? I can't come up with anything to be honest. It may be an obsession and eating disordered behavour, but I don't really hate it. I would only like to be a little more spontaneous, if anything. I really am thinking about ordering food online, it would be a nice weekend treat. I already asked my sister if she would like to come over on Friday or Saturday, but she is always really busy. It is difficult to be a teacher during this lockdown.

I also thought that maybe I will try and watch more movies. I don't really remember when was the last time I did that, to be honest. Probably when me and my firend watched Potter movies? Anyway, my goal would be to watch one movie a week. There are so many in Netflix and I also joined another app to see, if there is something more interesting there.

Would reviews of movies (for example once every month) be interesting read? I did that at the hospital and it was nice to write about them. Also maybe someone discovers something new to watch. Also please recommend me movies! Without any ideas it is difficult to pick one. I can say that I don't like horror stuff and I am not a fan of sad ones, but I like romantic comedies and action, both.

I also am thinking about doing a recipe challenge, trying new stuff for a week. For this I would also need your help. If you have something you like or you think I may like, please tell me the recipe or link it. I don't eat meat or meat products, but I am fine with milk-eggs-fish. But I prefer fully vegan things. It would be really interesting to hear recommendations, because I can't really pick anything myself. :D This would definitely help me out a lot and maybe I would discover a new favourite for myself!

I really hope that now before Monday I manage to complete a 24 h challenge, but I can't say for sure. I have some ideas, but we will see. I am placing my bets on doing a longer challenge (I am doing one for 30 days currently, it has nothing to do with food) and I think I will try and write some reviews. Time goes by soooo fast, it is already past half of March almost, what is going on?!

Anyway yes, I am focusing on the 30 day challenge, working out at home, breaking routines and looking for new recipes. Also I am trying to come up with new challenges and... enjoying life. Because, believe me, life is to be enjoyed. :)