I Won't Quote

This month I have tried so few vegan things. It is sad, but oh well.

I thought that I am not writing just random things here, but I want to tell something. Like, with eating, things are still difficult. When somethin is not perfect, I feel sooooo much like I am "wasting calories" and I can't handle it. Like for example last night I made something fast to eat, because I got home super late. And it was my curd cream-berries-cereal bowl. Because I have like half a kilo at once, right. Well, anywayyyy, in this berry mix there were blackcurrants and they were too sour and I was thinking that I don't like it at all and ate it super fast for that reason. And also after this I had some grapes and ice cream. And like, last night it was fine, I did feel a bit guilty about eating so fast and so late, but it was bearable.

And then today morning it started - thoughts of "I shouldn't have eaten it", I could have made something else, I could have only had snacks, I should have restricted a bit, you didn't like it anyway, you just scoffed it down, it was pointless, you didn't enjoy the process of eathing etc etc. And I am mad at myself. I thought that okay, I'll use this technic where I let myself feel bad for a bit, but whatever I do, this emotion doesn't leave me. And writing this down here is somehow reassuring. Like... at least someone else knows now. I feel like I need to justify myself. I thought I was over these kind of things, but apparently not.

Also my weight plays a role here, because it is higher than never before, but yes. I just would like to cry a bit at that, honestly. :D But I don't feel like crying, I can't push the tears out, I am just upset. Maybe this is something I need to talk to my psychologist about - how to get over this emotion.

Everything is okay. I was hungry, that is why I ate fast. Food doesn't need to be perfect. But I STILL feel like I wasted it. I guess I will feel this way today, hopefully it will pass by tomorrow. I just want to get over it, I don't know, it is so difficult to sit with these thoughts. I can't focus on anything really.

Anyway, now that this is off my chest, I can turn to the vegan products I tried last month. As I said, there are only a few, but I hope it is still interesting.

Hakitud soja tomatikastmes (Soy mince in tomato sauce)

I have never used this before, but now my parents and grandma came to visit us and it was my task to make dinner. I made some boiled potatoes and minced soy dish, I added some more tomato paste, mushrooms, onion, garlic, salt, pepper, and paprica. Everyone really enjoyed it and didn't believe it was vegan etc. :D Anyway, this was really positive surprise and I keep thinking I should make more foods like this! 10/10

Tooršokolaad guaranaga (Raw chocolate with guarana)

This I got a while ago from vegan subscription box, but honestly... I didn't like it. And usually I am a huge fan of dark chocolate. I shared it with people, with friends etc and they had it, but no one said it was good. Maybe other Stay Young chocolates are better, but this was a big disappointment. 3/10.

Naturli jäätis vaarikaga (Naturli ice cream with raspberries)

I loved that it was soft enough - it didn't need to thaw out of the freezer, I could just have it right away. But at the same time... it was nothing special. But well, I know that I don't like fruity ice creams that much. I should try their chocolate one. But this, I wouldn't get it again. 5/10.

Beyond meat burger (Beyond Meat burger)

I finally tried it at the restaurant in a burger and it was just AMAZING. It was exactly like meat, I showed it to my relative like ten times, asking if this looked vegan to her. :D It really probablt helped that it was in a burger with other things like onion jam and stuff, but I highly recommend it. Probably my favourite vegan meat alternative! 10/10.

• 

• 

Vegan Gourmet klassikalises marinaadis sojašašlõkk (Vegan Gourmet shaslik in classic marinade)

Eeerm about this I am really thinking about buying several kilos and freeze it. And then have it all year around, because it is just SO GOOD. It was really nicely marinated with vinegar, it had enough salt and it didn't dry out while being barbequed. It was awesome, another favourite product! 10/10. Next time I will try the spicy BBQ marinade one. I also had one other company's vegan shashlik, but there were too little people and we didn't prepare it.

Nemoloko kaerajook matcha teega (Nemoloko oat milk with matcha tea)

I have tried it once a long time ago, when I made this popular dalgona coffee, and it worked well. But just this, I didn't really like. Even though I have a weird relationship with matcha anyway, in some things I loved it, but on other occasions I don't. Anyway, I will bot be buying this again. 2/10.

Kalevi tume šokolaadi kirsi-tšilliga (Dark chocolate with cherries and chilli)

I think it is fully vegan, don't hit me when I am wrong. Anyway this I liked, though it had too little chilli, it could use some more. But I have bought it several times, because it is really good! And even though I am not a fruity chocolate fan mostly, this hits the spot. 7/10.

On Wednesday, I watched this new TV show, where people who want to lose weight are put in the house with a lot of snacks and drinks in the fridge. Every time they eat from there, money is taken off their prize.

Of course previous to this I went to have vegan burgers with my friend and of courise I ate the whole pint of ice cream while watching it. 

I will briefly write about the restaurant too - the burger was amazing. But it didn't really fill me up, so at home I had another dinner. We both picked burger with shredded sweet potato and I highly recommend it. This is their comany's main dish. I would like to try one with Beyond meat as well, though, but you can have them somewhere else too.

Workers were also really nice! Food got prepared super fast, though they had a lot of take away orders too.

It was a bit sad that it didn't have a proper seating area. But it was still nice, we chatted and ate and talked about old times. What else! My firend got me some Biscoff spread which I have been wanting to try for forever and a lot of vegan YouTubers have it all the time! :D I cannot wait to try it on porridge, but I also did check the calories and oh wow it is high. but oh well, I want to try it both in porridge and also just on toast. Maybe I can still do it this month and post about it.

Anyway, after this meetup I went to the store, got some ice cream and then came home. I just took a shower and chilled a bit and then watched this new show.

Before writing down my thoughts, I wanted to say that I don't have anything against people participating there. They all seem really nice and cool and they have their own reasons. BUT I still have some comments which I wanted to share. If you are up to it, feel free to comment as well.

And I am basing this text on my own experience with an eating disorder. So I am not completely objective. But I do think this is something people need to talk about. There are times when I see articles about eating disorders in media and I already hope the people will realise how important this topic is, but then the next day there are 98755 new diet articles so it is of no help. :D Like, I know so many people who have had or have an eating disorder and they sometimes don't even know it. Only later they understand that ohhhhhh I think I have a problem. But if people talked about it more, then I think it would be understood better and people may get help when they actually need it and get well (sooner).

I talked a lot about Tartu with a new friend. And then I thought that even though after Tartu I had a relapse, it was still needed to get better. Without this, I would probably be dead? :D I know it sounds awful and morbid, but this is the truth.

Anyway, about this show.

Firstly, some of those people weight less than I did before my illness. And then about one girl the host says something like "she is about to lose the battle with obesity". I thought this girl looked FINE AS HECK. And then I was like... I guess I was morbidly obese then. Yep, this is what my head told me. I guess I did need to lose weight etc! But honestly, you can't tell this thing about a girl who has normal weight?! Like, what kind of show is this? All the viewers may be (accidentally) triggered like this.

Secondly, why do they keep calling those people "heroes"? Just call them, well, people. :D Is the fact that they go to this kind of show to lose weight something that makes them heroes? Like, of course, well done and all, but I was really bothered by the use of this word. It didn't make sense in this context.

Thirdly, I feel so bad for the vegan-girl! Like, they made salad and chicken in sauce (also the host was really rude, he was SUPER surprised when the people provided stuff for a salad. Like what the heck, people are not that dumb. :'D) and she just had some dry salad leaves with cucumber and tomatoes? This thing should be more personal, I don't know. It was weird that no one paid attention to it and she wasn't offered an alternative. My opinion on the show got even lower.

Next, I still find that a lot of those people would get more help from therapy. I think that even more than ruining their relationship with food, they are not getting to the root of the things. I can hope that future episodes are better, but I still feel like they are not actually dealing with the main problems.

Finally, it was crap. But obviously I will keep watching, because I have this sick interest in it. And as I mentioned at the beginning, the participants seem nice and they would be interesting to talk to. I can't say anything bad about them. It just... annoys me that this show can affect viewers in bad ways.

What do you think? Do you agree with me? :D I think that they should make a show of Tartu hospital, that would be fun. As I mentioned previously, we always ate three meals and three snacks. Same things. And people who were overweight LOST WEIGHT. So you don't need to diet, go to a weight loss show. And for snacks we always had half the chocolate bar, yoghurt, cakes, tarts, candies etc. So you don't need to only eat apples, really. Human body is quite smart and if you give it enough energy, things will balance out, you will see. I do think it is true that there is a set point where your body is happy to be.

Honestly, I am very subjective and wrote this all based on myself. I don't want to critizise anyone and I really don't have any issues with the people on the show. Just... a thing for thought. Hope we are clear.

Next week I have my psychologis appointment, I will tell her about this show, as it is on my mind. Interesting how many people actually watch it. My sister recommended me not to do it, but as I mentioned, I was too curious. :D

I am thinking of doing some shorter challenges soon. I have a lot of ideas that I haven't yet executed. But my working out challenge is coming to an end and also the one where I take pictures of my breakfasts. Then I also want to start some new longer ones, I am thinking of marking down my dinners. Recently I have tried some new foods and for example today I am going to make PASTA. Even though I had pasta on Saturday. I just wanted to, so. And I need to repeat the challenges, or they will forever remain scary. :D

Me and my friend thought about going to have pasta next time we meet up. Even though it is easy for her, as she is used to having it. But I don't know, I would gladly go to Vapiano pasta and pizza place. I have only been there once in my life. :D But at the moment I am checking their menu and pizzas also sound reallllyyy good.

I want to go eat out in many places in general. It would be expensive, but I want to try! List of all the restaurants and cafes I want to visit grows longer every day. :D I should make a plan to eat out every other week. Or if it is too much, in every 2 or 3 weeks.

I am looking forward to February a little. Not because I want to have non-vegan foods, but I have so many snacks I need to eat up. I haven't gotten anything non-vegan myself, and have focused more on buring (accidentally) vegan products. But I want to try the snacks. I don't like to waste food. So yeah, in that sense I am looking forward to finishing Veganuary. Even though I also haven't set a rule to myself that I CAN'T have anything non-vegan. I just see what I feel like and at the moment this feels good.

In my bullet journal I am tracking when I have overeating moments, but recently they haven't come up as much anymore. Well, I guess the last time was the second week of January. But now recently things have been fairly normal. But I still feel like it is a problem - I eat a lot and I feel full, but I still WANT something. I like eating. As I like the ACT of eating. It is difficult not to eat when I am watching something etc. :D 

I think I also reached the maximum in my workouts. I started with ten rounds and added one every day. Yesterday I got up to 30 and that is enough. Although this workout only takes like ten minutes, so I don't know if you can even call it a workout. Well, moving your body. But I am too lazy to do several rounds or something, but this means I don't see or feel any progress. Or maybe a little - pushups have become much easier. But in general there isn't any muscle growth or something.

I got for walks a lot. This year I have passed 10 000 steps every day. But my focus from the I need to walk has shifted and I genuinelt enjoy walking, enjoying the weather and thinking about blog posts etc. It is super nice when I can walk with someone. Last week me and my friend walked from my home to town center, it took us one and a half hours, hehe. :D But it was nice! It was snowing and everything was so clean and bright.

On some days I find myself thinking that I need to move more, but not a lot. And even if I don't reach the 10k steps, I don't really worry about it. On some days I walk more, on some days I walk less. It is normal.

This post is so random. But I don't even care really. I like talking to myself like this. As always, before posting I read it over, fix the typos and see if I have made my point clear. But it is still written on an emotion most of the times. Don't be too critical. Or discuss stuff calmly.

Anyway, yes, I will start some new challenges and I hope there will be more interesting posts coming soon. See you next time!

I thought that I would mention what I ordered from iHerb last time. I have ordered from there a few times, and been really happy. Most people seem to order food supplements, vitamins and so on, but I have only gotten food related things. :D

As I am now brave enough to add stuff to my porridge, then firstly I picked this peanut butter and cocoa powder. I tried it the next day and it was really good. I even tried a bit dry with my sister and we really liked it. Like, liked it a lot. My preferred method of having this product is in porridge, but I can imagine that it would also be good when added to yoghurt or something. Or milk. :D It would be peanut buttery hot chocolate and it sounds perfect.

Next I also got regular peanut butter powder. I also have this in my porridge or when I make a sauce out of this, soy sauce and garlic. This is genius combination and I can't wait to make a bowl with it, as I mentioned in my previous post. I also wanted to add that the taste is quite mild, so I add more than the recommended serving size.

Thirdly, and for the last thing this time, I ordered almond butter powder. This didn't have as many good reviews than the other things, but I wanted to try it out. Today morning I made porridge with marzipan flavour drops and this powder and I think it was genius. You also should use a lot more than recommended, because this is even milder tasting.

Once earlier I also got vanilla peanut butter powder, which I highly recommend. Again, really good when added to porridge. :D Anyway. I hope that at one point I will get to adding real peanut butter, but this is enough for now. I mean, even adding this is sometimes really difficult. But I am on my way to getting better! And I promise I will get to real cruncy peanut butter soon.

The other thing that I am too scared of adding, but really want to, is shredded coconut. I didn't have a problem with those for a long time, until I accidentally saw the calories it has. Within a day this was out of my diet. But now I got some frozen mango cubes and what would be a better tropical combo than mango, porridge and coconut?! I also have coconut flavour drops, but it is not it! Everyone who love coconut will probably agree.

Yesterday I went to the store and did get some coconut flakes. So next week I shall try and add them. I think I will manage, even though it will probably be difficult. Sometimes I get the thought that damn, it is nothing, this is just food, just a minor add-in, but the next moment I am like NOPE.

There are a lot more things in iHerb that I would like to try. For example there are many teas, coffees and seasonings that sound really interesting. I also got some pumpkin spice from there once, until I mixed my own later. It was convenient to order it, but making it yourself is much cheaper. I should bring out autumn spices for my porridges. :D Also I want to take pictures of my breakfasts to show how amazing they can be. :D Although they are not really picture-worthy sometimes. Also one thing I have been wanting to try but haven't yet, is rice porridge with matcha. My friend sent me some matcha and I also have some matcha latte sticks and I have used it in the porridge and I really liked it.

Anyways... everything is not positive. So I will write about my panic now.

We have this 2 day work thing, now this week. And until now it was okay, though I was a little stressed. I mean, I can't control what I am eating or drinking and so on. And then the panic came. It was completely random when my hands and LEGS started to shake and I couldn't breathe normally suddenly.

I was in the store at this time and it did not make the situation any more bearable. Yeah, I completely broke down. And I THINK it was all connected to food. The situation ended with me calling my sister and crying, unable to think or do anything. I don't understand what triggered this panic though - everything was okay and then suddenly this panic attack.

I haven't felt panic in a long time. Or emotions in general. Last time I saw my doctor it was actually nice to cry, but after it or before it I hadn't even really cried. I didn't feel sadness, anxiety, panic or anything. I just felt... numb. I mean, I felt guilty about eating sometimes, but it wasn't this physical thing, reaction. It was a mental fight inside my head. So this panic today came as a huge surprise.

But there was something nice that happened as well. I was at my friend's place and we were just sitting, watching TikToks, because sometimes we send them to each other, but there are some we hadn't shared. And I laughed!

Maybe it sounds weird to you, but for me... I laughed! I mean, I do laugh at jokes and make a good face, but there isn't this physical reaction of wanting to laugh. It is just this "polite laughter", when everyone around me laugh. But at that point I really felt that I WANTED to laugh. I needed to. Because the thing was generally funny. This kind of like tickles me. :D I know it sounds strange and you probably don't understand, but this was shocking to me. I thought about it all day and felt nice and warm inside. :D

I want to really tell my eating disorder that it has been paused again. I want to not worry over the work trip. Or not to worry about eating there, at least. I want to be in the moment, take in what I want, drink what I feel like and not think about the calories or how much others eat.

But there has been a bit of a relapse going on. I have so much more GUILT, it is really difficult to deal with it. I haven't felt this "I don't care" for a while and everything... has become so complicated. I feel like I am back at the beginning. I haven't skipped meals or snacks, but they have become smaller, snacks have been halved and so on. Now for a few days I have been really good again and back at the food and snack game, but the mental fight is harder amd I am unable to catch my breath. Even when thinking about something else, the next moment I am back to square one with the guilt and I feel really hysterical.

It is difficult like this. I knew that these low points were coming, it can't all be smooth sailing. The healing doesn't happen overnight. It is not like you wake up in the morning ang you are well. I just didn't expect this... being so sudden.

Now it is Monday morning and I am feeling a bit calmer. At least I don't have this physical panic any more. I rememeber last year during summer I felt this panic so much, it was like 3-4 days of panic attack in a row. At least I am not in that position right now anymore.

But yes. I wanted to share that everything is now good and sometimes I am not motivated and I have a lot of negative thoughts. I think this outing will be fine and I am not really worried anymore, I only hate this guilt I know that is coming after it. This after-guilt is a lot stronger and more annoying. But I don't know, I guess I just need to think that I will get back to my of rhythm and everything will go well. I will try to focus on something else and see what happens.

Have you ever ordered from iHerb? Is there anything interesting that caught your eye?

I explained to my friend the other day that I am done. I am done with this illness. I have had these kind of moments before as well, but it hit me extra hard on this day. I am so done. I felt so motivated and told her a lot about my thoughts and I thought I will write down some things here as well.

I have been talking about my eating disorder forever and forever and I am finally too tired of it. I don't want to keep repeating how difficult it is and how many guilty feelings I have and how hard it is to eat and getting out of my routine and soooooo on. Yes, it is very difficult. I know I am at the very beginning of this journey, because well, I am. I haven't been able to break through myself. Maybe it would have been different if I stayed at the hospital for longer. Maybe I would have gotten better sooner. Maybe I would be a success story already and tell all the positive things. Maybe.

My weight has gone up compared to yesterday, and now a few hundred grams, but a whole half oa kilo. And this number scared me at first and I got these thoughts of needing to restrict again and so on. And then I was like, why. I should be happy that this has happened. I am so done with worrying over this number. I am so done. What does this number actually show? Like, I don't know. And now it is another day and the number has been the same, meaning I have really gained weight. Okay, it is bothering me, but I can't be without weighing myself either. But at least now I feel like I can handle the bigger number. I have also discovered recently that my brain is functioning better, my thoughts are not all over the place and I can focus better. At work people have told me that I seem to be more alive and happer and some of my cases have gotten positive feedback from the boss. This overweights the number on the scale. I feel more energetic.

At the same time sometimes, like yesterday, I am so tired. Somehow it seems that the more I eat, the more tired I am. I don't know if it makes sense. Maybe it is that my body is finally working on healing itself and for that it needs rest. I have heard about this from other ill people. That before things get better, there is a period of being tired and you just need to push through. I guess it may be true.

The same friend I talked to, gave me a good read here and there are some things that made me think. It is a story about someone dealing with an eating disorder and it has been devided into chapters by questions. It is a good read, if you want to know more about eating disorders.

Anyway, what works for me is that if I eat properly one day, then it is easier to do the same on the next. If I eat less, then I immediately have this "but yesterday I ate less, meaning I should eat even less today". Weird, but it has been coded into my brain so heavily.

What else... I have thought that maybe I would like to learn nutrition. Be useful, help others. But what kind of food coach would I be if I looked like this? Who would trust me? I need to look normal for people to have anu faith in me.

I want to be inspiring, couraging, successful. I want to show that getting better is possible and it can be done on your own and that things will get better as a result. I want... to share my success story. I have discussed this with many of my friends - there is no point in blogging, if nothing changes.

So yes, I hope my weight won't drop back down. And it didn't, at least not for now! This gain was bigger than I expected, but it is better to go through it right now, instead of dropping a few hundred grams and then feel better and then feel shitty again after another gain. If there is wight gain to happen, it should happen right away. I am tired of just being, stressing out, feeling guilty and soooo on. So I still had big breakfast, I picked some chocolates to take with me to work and I just think: whatever. I will live on. And if I really don't like myself as a bigger person or when I get really angry at myself or, I don't know, I get fat, I can lose some weight again. :D I have shown that I can do this. But at the same time I think losing weight would be really difficult, because I really like my snacks and meals. :D I couldn't give up rice crackers, chocolates, yoghurts, kohuke again... So I think I will keep this up. This is a good habit.

Now I am going to my parents' place for the weekend and I try to pause my eating disorder once more. I told it that well, until the end of the month I don't want to deal with you. And if you want toe be more present, then at least not until 27th when I have the next doctor's appointment. I am kind of excited to show them my progress! Finally they will believe that I can handle it and that I am taking steps towards recovery.

Made some bread to take with me. It kind of exploded a little. I used more liquid dough this time and it seems that the result is a lot better. If I taste it, I can say more, but it seems softer and fluffier.

I also decided I will bake a cake at my parents'. I picked one curd cream-apple cake. My mum said that apples are starting to be ripe and this seems like a great idea. Also, I want to bake more. Me and sister don't eat that much baked goods, but I want to try and make a lot of different things! I can bake for work at least. :D I don't think there is a person who wouldn't like some cake.

Got a lot of vegetables from my sister's friend - tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchinis, bell peppers. These zucchinis are HUGE, but I am already excited to cook with them. I looked up so many cool recipes to try. Next week I want to make zucchini-mushrooms stew, salad, zucchini burgers, zucchini-tomato bake, grilled and baked zucchini... :D I have a lot of ideas. So at one point I will post some recipes I think, it I wrote this down for future blog post ideas.

How is it going with walking? Very well. Sometimes I get these thoughts that I should walk more, especially when I don't have anything to do, but I have been stopping myself. I have used more public transport and tried not to feel guilty over it. And honestly, if you start moving less, it becomes easier. Like the first time I walked 10 000 steps instead of 20 000 I felt really shitty, but it has become easier now. And so on. And now for some days I have walked less than 10k. And I am so done with stressing over it.

Walking is nice, I really like to listen to a podcast and then walk somewhere, but I can do this when I, for example, design my bullet journal or something. I don't know, I am not really into listening to music these days (unless I drink some wine at home :D). I also did apply to be press at Tallinn Music Week though, I was a press a few years ago and it was really cool experience!

I also thought about shopping a lot and what I have discovered. I have this... general panic that I will run out of things. Even if I have a lot of something, for example mayo or ketchup or fresh veggies, I still think that I need to buy more, stock up... this is so weird. But at the same time it makes sense as my brain is in survival mode, it gets only little food and it keeps thinking that I need to make sure there is enough of everything. And then I buy like a kilo of tomatoes and they just sit in my fridge. :D Of course it is nice to have enough things, but it sometimes annoys me. For example when I plan foods for an entire week, because if I don't I am really stressed. And the next days, even when I have evetything, I STILL go to the store and stock up on something. That is why I have a lot of stock and snacks - chocolates, waffers, peanuts, chips and so on. I just buy everything, even though I don't use the tings fast. I want to break free from it.

I really like going to food stores in general. It is nice and it is cool to discover new things and enjoy food and I love that I like cooking, but yes. I think it is a bit too obsessive.

Anyway, I will definitely make a post about zucchini foods. And there are some other topics I want to write about. I have some ideas, I just need to fulfil them.

On Monday me and my sister will go to this 100% vegan cafe, which I have been wanting to visit for a while now. Exciting. The only thing is that I can't decide on what I want to have, there are so many options but at the same time they seem so calorific. :D 

Anyway, yes. This is a completely pointless, emotional post.

I thought for a long time if I want to post about this, but finally I decided that yes, I want to.

I had to take some extra chocolate with my vanilla pudding. And more chocolate pieces than usually. So I was unwrapping it and saw that there is a new element on the chocolate. They have noted down that to burn calories you get from ONCE PIECE (and I usually have to take 8 pieces at once) you have to take 408 steps. Like... seriously?

Is there nothing else you could have written on the chocolate? For example that it tastes good and that it is dark chocolate, yet creamy, that every other Estonian recommends this? Literally ANYTHING else?

Because yes, chocolate is supposed to make you feel guilty. Because that is important. So that we, people affected so badly from the diet culture, would know how many steps we have to take to burn calories you get from once piece. This is healthy. This is positive.

This is awful. It is just DISGUSTING. Not to mention I cried a lot, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I is difficult as it is. It is also difficult for many people who are suffering in silence. A lot of people don't even know they have an eating disorder.

So... why? I wish I knew who and why decided that this detail was important enough to write on chocolate packaging. Why would you ruin something good?

Yep, maybe someone who loves chocolate doesn't even notice it. Children also do not pay attention. People who do, are the ones suffering and this is not okay. I feel sad.

Is this normal, what do you think?